EnglishGarden

"The Selfish Brain" was published some years ago but it has good passages on codependency worth sharing:

"Addicts are characteristically self-centered and irresponsible. They also often appear to be outgoing and self-confident. Codependents, in contrast, commonly appear to be self-deprecating and sometimes even shy. They typically try extremely hard to do the right thing and to please others.

This behavior of codependent people contrasts with the outward behavior of active addicts, who often recklessly disregard the feelings of others. Codependents are typically unusually concerned with how they appear to others. They highly value their good reputations for hard work and selflessness. Nevertheless, they are locked into a malignant synergy with the addict........

Codependent people have a hard time thinking of themselves without thinking of their addicts. Their lives and their self-concepts, to a large extent, are defined by their relationships with their addicts.........

The codependents are in a trap from which they cannot escape. The harder codependents struggle to free themselves by trying to control the behavior of an addicted person, the more deeply they are enslaved by the family disease."

"First the codependent works to control the addict with love, and when this fails, with bribery and manipulation, and finally with anger, resentment, and ultimately a punishing withdrawal of affection........

The addict feels victimized by this progressively extreme behavior of the codependent. He feels that the codependent is trying to control him and does not understand or respect him. He feels he is being hounded by a mean individual who has become a parole officer bent on shaping him to meet the codependent person's own excessive needs. The addict uses the anger and resentment he feels as one more good reason to use alcohol and other drugs."

"The most powerful antidote is for both the addict and the codependent to disengage, to let go of the other, and to focus honestly and openly on their own unique and personal needs. Paradoxically, the way toward real closeness for families dominated by addiction lies through the neglected door to independence for all of the trapped, pathologically entangled parties."

"It is rarely, if ever, possible for codependent people to manage their feelings and their lives unless they go to meetings to understand the disease concept of addiction and to find support and specific techniques to get well by becoming themselves. Alone, the addict and the codependent are helplessly in the grip of the disease of addiction. Releasing each other, they can begin the long, wonderful road to recovery."

Ilovemysonjj

Perfect timing for this post! My RAS just got out of his rehab and is searching for sober living. I am a codie mess worrying that he will relaps and worrying he will find a place, etc.
I thank you for this helpful and eye opening statement. I did speak to my son yesterday and when I asked him why he wasn't calling me for the last few months, he stated his counselor had advised him to go no contact since we are so enmeshed in this exact scenario. :O

Wing

exactly! Thanks for sharing.
I'm letting go now... but I don't know how to deal with my anger recent days. I feel really really angry that I had wasted my time on him, and for the damage he has done on me.

I know it's really bad... but there are some moment, I wish him get really sick physically and hit the very bottom.