Boyfriend is an enabler?

Old 02-21-2012, 09:59 PM
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Boyfriend is an enabler?

I am looking for some support this evening after having made a very difficult decision. I "know" I have done the right thing for myself but am open to your thoughts and experiences.

My BF of almost 4 years has an AS (22) who is an addict. He completed a one year rehab program a year ago and after refusing to stay in a SLE came home to live with his father. Boundries and rules were set ..... but they were quickly relaxed and the AS never completely worked to maintain his sobriety. He quit using his drugs of choice but continued to drink. He went to a private therapist but didn't want to attend meetings, get a Sponsor or work on his sobriety. Fast forward almost a year and he has relapsed and is back to sleeping away his days, walking around in a daze and not participating. He also is a master manipulator and makes my BF feel responsible and sorry for him.

Stepping back I need to mention that my AS (also 22) became addicted to meth over the last year. I stepped in and gave him a choice - go to a 30 day program, get sober and work to maintain sobriety or he was on his own. After an intense day he agreed to the rehab option. It has been a tough road for him but he successfully completed the program and is now living on his own, back in school, attending meetings, meeting with a counselor with a Dependency specialty, has a sponsor to work the steps with and is proudly collecting chips. I am very proud of his hard work and let him know that frequently - I also remind him he has my 100% support in his efforts to maintain his sobriety but keep him clear that anything less will result in his being on his own. He knows I love him and knows because of that my boundries are firm. He also reminds me he is staying sober for himself - he has things he wants to accomplish and using won't allow him to do what he wants.

Ok...sorry so long. Here is my issue. I can't find a way to be comfortable with my BFs choice of what I see as enabling his son. I am so uncomfortable being in the same house with him and his AS. I feel that I am supporting something there that I wouldn't tolerate. I have increasingly felt that in some way I am also enabling his situation on top of being triggered horribly about my own son's situation when there as well. I have tried to steer clear of giving advice but when asked when my BF is frustrated, sad and angry about his son have encouraged him to go to Al Anon meetings to get some help. I also share with him how I am feeling and what I have found works for me. You can just imagine the tension and I feel like I am walking on eggshells to avoid comparison's with my AS. Yesterday I just finally told him I need a break from it all and that I think the escalating stress in our relationship isn't healthy for either of us.

I don't know.....any advice or words of wisdom out there. I just don't feel like there is anything I can do other than step back and let my BF and his AS work this out alone. One thing I do know......time for me to seriously start working a program and find a sponsor. I am pretty good about not enabling....but really really need some extra support from people who understand.

Thank you in advance......this forum has provided me a great deal of strength.......much wisdom here.
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Old 02-22-2012, 05:37 AM
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Boy, your second paragraph is my life. Thought it was one of my earlier posts! Had to check your name to be sure as even our names, cangel2 and kmangel, are similar. Amazing.

My dream is to have the type of son your son is. I'm happy for you that he is doing so well in working his recovery diligently.

My husband's and my story is so very similar to your boyfriend's enabling his son, but we are in the process of setting up boundaries. Just talking to my husband about what was happening was not changing anything. I couldn't get my thoughts across to him without his thinking I was attacking him. I was always the more strict parent of our sons when they were growing up, my husband more permissive, and when our sons grew up that pattern continued. I have been unhappy many times with what my husband thought was acceptable for him to do (rescuing our boys). However, when the person you are rescuing is also an addict (though unbeknownst to both of us for a few years) then enabling is even more destructive. A couple weeks ago I found the book "Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children" by Allison Bottke. I've been reading one chapter a day from the book each morning with my husband and he seems to finally be beginning to see what we have been doing all along to enable our sons. I at last feel that we are starting to be on the same page and not so much at odds with each other.
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Old 02-22-2012, 09:55 AM
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I appreciate how being in a home where active addiction is allowed/enabled would be a trigger for me. Meeting on neutral ground and/or taking a break makes sense to me.

I admire your strength to avoid trying to control your friend's situation.
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Old 02-22-2012, 10:31 AM
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Thank you for the feedback!

Kmangel - it is funny our names are so similar. I appreciate your book recommendation. I actually came across your posts about the book after I posted and quickly went to order it from Amazon.

I am very grateful that my son was ready to work a program; that was certainly not a given when he entered rehab. At that time I just wanted him to be someplace safe and somewhere he would be given the tools to begin his recovery. I had to let go of the result after that. At this point I am encourage by and proud of his efforts but I do not kid myself that this will be an easy road. I still have to manage all of the fear and enabling impulses I have - how can you not when you love them so much. I truly believe that when the addict has a reason and desire to recover they will - my role I feel is to provide support for those efforts to the extent that is necessary. The trick is trusting them.......wish there was a quick fix for that! but figure time will heal.

I admire how you and your husband have worked things out and are using the book to "get on the same page". This must be a tremendous relief to you and provide you with much better support. Being married and living together probably made working through this more a requirement for the two of you than my situation with my BF. Bit of a drawback in my situation on one hand and also gives me away to distance myself on the other.

I will read the book and then pass it along to him. Probably the best I can do at this point.

I wish you all the best with your son!!
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Old 02-25-2012, 08:49 AM
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Wow...we are in the same boat. It's tough because we're just the "significant others" and they're not our kids...the bio-parents become so defensive of their children's behaviors if we try to point them out. My bf has broken up with me in the past because I wouldn't live in denial along with him when it came to his kid's addictions.

All you can do is take care of yourself, protect yourself, and continue to encourage your own son down the positive path he has chosen.

It's hard...I know. The whole stepfamily dynamic is hard enough on it's own...throw in drug addiction and it's a nightmare.
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Old 02-25-2012, 08:34 PM
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Dustygirl,

I am sorry you are going through something similar but am glad to know I am not alone.

I appreciate that I need to focus on taking care of myself but as you know it is painful when the person you are closest to chooses their denial over all that is positive in a relationship.

It seems to me that the emotional upheaval of the last few months just refuses to leave me be. The one space I had felt comfortable in was the one with my bf.......and now all this. (ok.....end of my self-pity )

Was there anything you and your bf found to be helpful for the two of you? Even though I am taking a break there will come a time when I know we will try to talk this through together. Too soon now......but open to tips about what others have done that worked.

Thanks again for the feedback!
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Old 02-26-2012, 06:19 AM
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I know...it's very painful. Unfortunately (as you've learned) there's nothing you can do to point out the obvious that their kid is still using. Whenever I did this, my bf would become furious and tell me that my "best bet" was to totally stay out of it. In other words, he was threatening me that if I didn't shut up about his kids he'd break up with me. Well...living in denial is not in my nature. There's nothing you can do to make them see what's going on, they will ultimately resent you. My favorite saying regarding this is "No one is blinder than he who will not see". The only thing you can do is step back, and let your bf find out on his own. Eventually his son will do something to him that is hurtful enough that he will finally wake up. My bf did eventually realize that he'd thrown out the best thing in his life so he could enable people who were addicts and would screw him over in a heartbeat for anything they could. When/if that happens, just tread gently with your bf and let him own the problem. Ultimately it's HIS kid...and when push comes to shove he'll be very quick to remind you of that. Remember...in a step family situation (even though you're not married to your bf I still consider this a step situation) and when drug addicts are involved, the first rule is that you must protect yourself. Many times, our "partner" won't because they're blinded by the chance that their loved one has "changed".

I have no tips for dealing with the pain of it all. Like I said, just focus on yourself even when you and your bf do begin to talk about all of this. I found a hobby that I love dearly and when I find myself getting stressed out, that's what I think about. I was seeing a counselor a little over a year ago. My bf came in for one session and wouldn't go back. I really wish that he'd go to counseling either on his own or with me. My counselor said he was totally clueless when it came to drug addiction. He also has codependency issues with his children. But...I can't make him go...I can go on my own to help keep ME focused on what I need to do...but that's all I can do.
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Old 02-26-2012, 12:03 PM
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Very wise words and I appreciate your sharing them with me.

I think I will print this out and read often - you are right on the mark.

Today I am starting in on a project at home that will give me something to focus on for the next few days that is positive and just for me. That coupled with being busy at work should help.

Of course I also have an appointment with my therapist next week too which should give me a place to receive some support. Funny thing.....my bf sees a therapist every week religiously; based on what I know she is on to the situation and calls him on his actions repeatedly. Just goes to highlight he is not ready to hear it yet........I am very clear that it is not my role to try to get him to see what he is not ready to. I never tell him what I think about his son aside from supporting him in his attempts to set boundries and in his attempts to do positive things for himself.

I just reached a point where I can't do that any more without triggering horrible fears and doubts about how I need to conduct myself to support myself and my son. Sigh.........best to let it all go for the time being and let life take its course. A crash/crisis is a sure thing; I just need to protect my recovery at this time.

Thank you again! I really appreciate your sharing.
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