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seeking advice in love with a person in recovery seeking advice in love with a.....

Old 02-21-2012, 05:37 PM
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seeking advice in love with a person in recovery seeking advice in love with a.....

I myself am not in recovery, but I am in love with someone that is, and she has been clean for 7 years, and she has completely turned her life around. Problem is this, some days she is very quiet and distant, doesn't want to be touched, etc. In fact she's down right mean and inconsiderate at times, and she gets angry at herself for treating me this way. Every other aspect of our life is great, I don't judge her, I love her without conditions, but it seems now she wants a break in order to "fix herself." What if anything does that indicate? We truly love each other and have been together for 3 years.
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Old 02-21-2012, 06:28 PM
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Sounds like she wants a break. Believe her.


When you say you are not in recovery, what do you mean?
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Old 02-21-2012, 06:41 PM
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Ken12, when your partner says they want a break, space, w/e, that's what they mean. It the relationship is meant to be, then it will be, a little later on.
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Old 02-21-2012, 06:50 PM
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If your asking if these symptoms indicate she is relapsing with her drug; or thinking about it; only she can answer that - and truthfully At this point she might not know if she is headed down that road - but she senses she needs a change now; maybe just to focus on herself.... Or could be another personal issue. If you've been together 3 years, I'd think she would be willing to discuss her feelings with you at least to some degree. Have you tried that?
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Old 02-21-2012, 07:36 PM
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Originally Posted by KelleyF View Post
Ken12

If your asking if these symptoms indicate she is relapsing with her drug; or thinking about it; only she can answer that - and truthfully At this point she might not know if she is headed down that road - but she senses she needs a change now; maybe just to focus on herself.... Or could be another personal issue. If you've been together 3 years, I'd think she would be willing to discuss her feelings with you at least to some degree. Have you tried that?

Yes, and she kept going back to saying that she has to fix herself, and that its not anything that I've done.
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Old 02-21-2012, 07:40 PM
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Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
Sounds like she wants a break. Believe her.


When you say you are not in recovery, what do you mean?
Just indicating that I'm not a recovering addict. And I don't understand alot of processes.
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Old 02-21-2012, 08:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Ken12 View Post
Yes, and she kept going back to saying that she has to fix herself, and that its not anything that I've done.
I can tell you that if my BF did that to me, I would be just as perplexed.
But really what can you do but honor the request and give her the time and space she is asking for? Possibly more will reveal itself in time; but I know that's not much comfort now.

Its incredibly thoughtful of you to seek out this forum in regards to concerns over her recovery. Others will come along and share their thoughts.

I guess if I was in your place, I'd try to honor her request, and force myself to turn my attention to myself for a while; work on any issues you might have, use the time apart to evaluate the relationship, spend some of that free time catching up on things you enjoy.

Wishing you both the best
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Old 02-22-2012, 11:33 AM
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Originally Posted by KelleyF View Post
I can tell you that if my BF did that to me, I would be just as perplexed.
But really what can you do but honor the request and give her the time and space she is asking for? Possibly more will reveal itself in time; but I know that's not much comfort now.

Its incredibly thoughtful of you to seek out this forum in regards to concerns over her recovery. Others will come along and share their thoughts.

I guess if I was in your place, I'd try to honor her request, and force myself to turn my attention to myself for a while; work on any issues you might have, use the time apart to evaluate the relationship, spend some of that free time catching up on things you enjoy.

Wishing you both the best
Kelley
thank you Kelley, I am doing just that but it so hard not to text her, call her or go see her. I can't stop thinking about her and praying that she is ok.
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Old 02-22-2012, 12:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Ken12 View Post
thank you Kelley, I am doing just that but it so hard not to text her, call her or go see her. I can't stop thinking about her and praying that she is ok.
I know, sometimes love just hurts. Plain and simple

Did she go completely no contact?

You know was wondering; since you said she was a recovering addict (7 yrs)
Did you go into the relationship worrying about the possibility that she might relapse? ( and I'm not saying her actions have Anything/ to do with relapse; most likely they don't) - but I was just curious about how that played in your mind when you found out; and throughout your relationship

My BF had barely been clean for 2 months when I met him.
It's been almost a year now for us; and he has relapsed once.
But going into the relationship - I had never been around drugs or addiction, so I didn't really give it much thought; crazy I know .
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Old 02-22-2012, 01:05 PM
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I broke up with a girlfriend once because I felt the exact same way. I'm not saying she will do this to you, but I felt like I wasn't being fair to her as she just wanted to be close to me and be around me and I was so worn out and tired that I would push her away and be distant/quiet. I didn't want to be around her when I was like that. I lived in my head and being the introvert I am, it takes energy for me to be around people, energy that I didn't have. I broke up with her because I thought she needed to be with someone else that would feed her need to be close because I just couldn't do it...and it wasn't fair to her. It really was a "me" problem, whether she chose to believe that or not. Someone told me that you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else...I think that's true. I wasn't (still not) at a point of loving myself and I knew it. There is some major healing to be done, perhaps she has some to do too. Is she in therapy at all? I know that's helped me.

I hope this post doesn't scare you, there is no guarantee of what's to come, but if you give her space and as much time as she needs, things could turn out alright. Just depends on if you want to wait.

Edit: I guess I should clarify, I have been on both sides of the fence with addiction. I am addict, but my father was also an addict.
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Old 02-22-2012, 01:40 PM
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Originally Posted by KelleyF View Post
I know, sometimes love just hurts. Plain and simple

Did she go completely no contact?

You know was wondering; since you said she was a recovering addict (7 yrs)
Did you go into the relationship worrying about the possibility that she might relapse? ( and I'm not saying her actions have Anything/ to do with relapse; most likely they don't) - but I was just curious about how that played in your mind when you found out; and throughout your relationship

My BF had barely been clean for 2 months when I met him.
It's been almost a year now for us; and he has relapsed once.
But going into the relationship - I had never been around drugs or addiction, so I didn't really give it much thought; crazy I know .

I gave it alot of thought when I first met her and she told me everything I admit I backed off, but after a coupla weeks I called her again and we started facebooking and I asked her out. When I got to know her I could tell that she was clean and wanted to stay that way, she is a counselor and I knew she was serious about it. I never let it bother me again, and I know she hasn't relapsed again.

We have talked since and she has come over to visit and told me she loves me hugged and kissed me when she left, was being herself again, she even came over the next morning and I cooked her breakfast. She texted me more time in those two days than she had in awhile. She had to come over and get her daughters backpack and she was cold again, left with a half kiss and half hug and the dreaded pat on the back, but later that night she sent me text telling me shes thinking about me. I sent one back telling her I love her and I pray things work out between us, and I haven't heard from her since, that was Monday night.
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Old 02-22-2012, 01:45 PM
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Originally Posted by SpeedyJason View Post
I broke up with a girlfriend once because I felt the exact same way. I'm not saying she will do this to you, but I felt like I wasn't being fair to her as she just wanted to be close to me and be around me and I was so worn out and tired that I would push her away and be distant/quiet. I didn't want to be around her when I was like that. I lived in my head and being the introvert I am, it takes energy for me to be around people, energy that I didn't have. I broke up with her because I thought she needed to be with someone else that would feed her need to be close because I just couldn't do it...and it wasn't fair to her. It really was a "me" problem, whether she chose to believe that or not. Someone told me that you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else...I think that's true. I wasn't (still not) at a point of loving myself and I knew it. There is some major healing to be done, perhaps she has some to do too. Is she in therapy at all? I know that's helped me.

I hope this post doesn't scare you, there is no guarantee of what's to come, but if you give her space and as much time as she needs, things could turn out alright. Just depends on if you want to wait.

Edit: I guess I should clarify, I have been on both sides of the fence with addiction. I am addict, but my father was also an addict.
No shes not in any therapy, but she goes to meetings twice a week, and she is a drug and alcohol counselor.

What you just posted is some of what she told me. I just don't get how one minute shes all happy and the next all down. She does work hard and used to have job with a long commute everyday but shes gotten another job now where she doesnt have to drive so much, one that she always wanted.

Btw except for the last coupla months she was never that way with me before.
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Old 02-22-2012, 02:08 PM
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Thanks Ken. I was just wondering about that because sometimes loved ones of recovering addicts can become sort of obsessive with worrying about a relapse. Doing stuff that can also really get on the nerves of the person recovering. I.E snooping, double checking thing they say/do

There are some stickies at top of forum page; deal with sone of that.

But - it doesn't sound like you have fell victim to that type of behavior - so good for you! And good for her!

Its a good sign that your still in contact I think.
Just try to stay strong and have faith.
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Old 02-22-2012, 03:26 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
I just don't get how one minute shes all happy and the next all down.

bipolar? drugs? emotionally immature?

doesn't really matter, cuz the end result is all the same, getting yanked around like a yo yo. and who needs that????
True.
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Old 02-22-2012, 03:56 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
i think sometimes we forget that we still call the shots on how WE ALLOW people to treat us. and if they ain't playing nice, we can go find another sandbox.
I love it !

Girl = Sandbox

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Old 02-23-2012, 09:38 AM
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anvil has good points. Sometimes it's a good thing to take a giant step back and just observe from a distance for a while, and see what unfolds.
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