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Need some help regarding my neice

Old 02-20-2012, 07:37 PM
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Need some help regarding my neice

Hey everyone! I usually post in the substance abuse forum, as I am a recovering opiate addict, but today I need some help with an addicted neice. She is my neice through marriage. She is 23 years old, and I'm not even sure what all she is addicted to now. Previously, her DOC was meth. A little background on her: very traumatic childhood- her biological father was a huge addict/dealer, and when she did the rebellious teenager thing, she moved in with him. Her mother got a call one night from the FBI telling her where my neice was, and to go pick her up because her father had essentially "pimped" her out in exchange for drugs and they were about to raid the house she was at. She tried every drug known to man throughout high school, and finally got herself sent to another state to live with her grandparents. She continued to do drugs there, got pregnant, and moved back with her mother. At the end of her pregnancy, she stayed with me, and I felt she was on the right track (drug free...essentially talking a good game). After the baby was born, she started right back up with the drugs. Her mother ended up with temp. custody of the baby after learning she was doing A LOT of meth. She and her boyfriend drugged the baby to sleep so they could go out and party. Fast forward a few months- she and her boyfriend are still abusing meth, and get into a huge fight. She breaks his nose, and takes off with his car. She gets arrested and goes to jail for 1 1/2 years. She was just released around Thanksgiving. It seemed like she was serious in her effort to regain custody and stay clean. She paroled to her mother's house, and spent every minute with her daughter. Well, not even 2 months later, she got kicked out for refusing to go to the sober living/recovery program she promised her mother she would attend upon her release. She has since began using who knows what drugs, dating a "rapper" who takes nude pics of her and puts them on facebook, and is stripping. Her family has given up. They refuse to talk to her. I, on the other hand, have this deep feeling of maybe I can get through to her. I spoke to my husband about talking to her, and he flipped out. He doesn't think it will help, and tells me not to wate my time. When I try to push the fact that everyone has their low, and you never know who/when someone will get through to an addict, he tells me (not very nicely) to drop it- he's not discussing it anymore. He says, "this is my family member, and I'm asking you to just leave it alone". We've been married 12 years- I thought they were my family too. Anyway, sorry for the long story, but I am really struggling with this. I need some advice, please. Thank you all for taking the time to read/respond.
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Old 02-20-2012, 08:49 PM
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Originally Posted by tmaddict View Post

I, on the other hand, have this deep feeling of maybe I can get through to her. I need some advice, please. Thank you all for taking the time to read/respond.
She's had a tragic life and I understand how you want to try and make a difference. Know that some of this is your own ego. From my own experience, there was absolutely nothing I could say or do that could cause my daughter to stop. I was not that powerful. None of us are.
Recovery is 100% an inside job.

Having said this, it is the sort of thing that each of us has to learn from our own experiences. If you want to deal with the potential backlash from your husband, give it your best shot. Salvation Army operates a solid recovery program for those who are highly motivated to embrace recovery.

If you feel the need to do more, consider making a direct donation to the Salvation Army and know you can make a difference for those willing to help themselver.
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Old 02-21-2012, 06:35 AM
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Even though, everyone says to drop it and leave her alone, i think talking to her "once more" will put YOU at ease. As a loved one, you want to help her and try to do something and when it doesn't work you feel helpless but in this case it seems you still have that little bit of hope. Dont get too emotionally involved when you do speak to her, because if nothing changes it will hurt you even more, but then you know you did everything you can!! Thats just my personality, I try EVERYTHING, and if in the end it doesn't work, i say i tried my best.

best of luck
take care of yourself
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Old 02-21-2012, 10:57 AM
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With my AS, "Letting go and letting God" was very, very hard for me. Outtolunch is right, a lot of it was my own ego. I see that now, but I didn't previously. I'm at the place now where I realize that (I see God as my HP) God must be allowing my AS to suffer right now, and through suffering he will hopefully grow and learn and obtain wisdom. This is something I cannot "tell" him or hand to him, although I tried in vain for too many years. I've accepted as best I can that my AS may very well die, from an overdose, suicide, or who knows, before he ever decides to get clean, but I also know that all people in this life eventually die anyway. I don't think yor niece will benefit by the value of your experience, she has to suffer through her own experiences to get to wherever she needs to be. If you believe in whatever sort of HP, or God, I think praying for her is the absolute best thing you can do for her. JMO.
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Old 02-21-2012, 01:45 PM
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Thanks everyone- great advice all around! I know I can't save her, she has to do that herself. I just wanted to let her know that I would help her if and when she wanted to get her life together. I don't want to fight with my husband, but I keep thinking- if it were my son, and not my neice, would I give up? Absolutely not! Not yet, anyway. I'm sure there comes a time when you have done all you can. It seems I have some thinking and praying to do! Many thanks for the replies- you guys are amazing!!!
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Old 02-21-2012, 02:04 PM
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Looking back, as early as this past week, regarding my AS, I didn’t know when to give up. I did everything and it was never enough; Never enough for me, never enough for him. I always thought there was something else I could do. I am coming to understand that there is nothing more I can do. It sounds like your niece as been through hell and back and still doesn’t want to change. I think you have a wonderful heart, but that you should let it rest. If all that has happened to her hasn’t worked, you talking to her will not work as well. I think it is good that she knows that you love her and care, and that if she needs healthy support you will be there. But, I speak from experience that there is no “last talk” no “final effort” or last “good deed” that ever really set my mind at ease once and for all or changed anything once and for all, with the exception of when I let go
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Old 02-21-2012, 04:00 PM
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Thanks December- you're right! I am going to let it go and pray she comes around one day. It is up to her. Thank you again for your reply.
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