full circle
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full circle
Back again… my son was in recovery from shooting oxy.. he got in the methadone clinic and was doing ok… but now he is on the methadone plus crack and booze. He was doing well, had a job , a place, and now it has all gone to hell( 2 car wreaks, spent college money on crack) He has moved back in with me and my BF of 5 years. My BF will not tolerate the drug addicted son anymore. I fear I am going to lose the love of my life… my BF, because I cannot let my son be on the street and toss him out. I am going to have to take care of my drug addicted son forever….. My son lived with us before and stole form us and was horrid , so I understand how my BF feels…………….. life is a mess. Any happiness that I had in life if over.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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Hi December, please know, you have a choice here... I don't know how old your son is, but if he is older than 18, he is an adult. Do you really want to lose your opportunity for happiness to someone who is unwilling to change? Please read the sticky notes up top. You are NOT UNIQUE, as I learned when I did the same thing when figuring out how I would react to my son. If you let him tay, nothing will change, stealing and lying are the norm with addicts. Even if you love your son, it doesn't change how they treat those enablers around them. read my other posts and other mothers here, you will see your life in front of your eyes. I actually laugh and can be happy now, even if I truly miss my son, I do NOT miss what his addicted self did to our family.
Best,
Teresa
Best,
Teresa
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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You know December.....
It is possible to love an addict to death.
When someone pointed out to me how I was loving my daughter to death with my codependent-ness.....I realized that I had to get past my discomfort and really let her go and hit bottom.
It's been 17 years and many bottoms.....and she's still doing her thing, but she's not doing it in my house.
It is possible to love an addict to death.
When someone pointed out to me how I was loving my daughter to death with my codependent-ness.....I realized that I had to get past my discomfort and really let her go and hit bottom.
It's been 17 years and many bottoms.....and she's still doing her thing, but she's not doing it in my house.
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The best happiness I had in my life in the past 7 years was that my son(son 25 addiicted 7 years to oxy) was in recovery over the this past last few months...maybe I am strange, but.. when he is ok I am ok. and now he is NOT ok again. I am a mother.. My life is my kid. I cannot seem to help it.
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ok....and it will..
believe me..
..correction....it has now been 18 years for me. Nothing I did...ever made a difference.
If you are pinning all of your happiness on the well being of one other person.....that is codependency in all it's glory.
I didn't buy into it...until around year 14 I think....then I was just so damn miserable that most would say I was suicidal. It didn't plan it...but I sure thought about it....
ALOT.
Then I had a thought....maybe there is something I haven't tried that I should....and that was to deal with my issues instead of engulfing myself in hers.
believe me..
..correction....it has now been 18 years for me. Nothing I did...ever made a difference.
If you are pinning all of your happiness on the well being of one other person.....that is codependency in all it's glory.
I didn't buy into it...until around year 14 I think....then I was just so damn miserable that most would say I was suicidal. It didn't plan it...but I sure thought about it....
ALOT.
Then I had a thought....maybe there is something I haven't tried that I should....and that was to deal with my issues instead of engulfing myself in hers.
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yes, but i don't have issues.. I am a professional. I have a good job as an IT admin, and am working for my masters so I can teach. I own property and am Ok in life. I know what you say seems to hit me in my heart, but I fear I am going to leave my BF and get a place with my son and take care of him the rest of my life and be alone. This is not the first time I have done this(left friends that could not tolerate my son )I know this probably sounds lame to you... but I do not know what else to do
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Well, I wil take your advice, but i have to do what is in my heart.. and trust myself. i know you guys speak form experience, and I do not take what you say lightly. with that being said, I have to follow my own path, and my own heart in this matter. wish me luck 
take care. I feel that my love for my son will prevale over this evil.
take care. I feel that my love for my son will prevale over this evil.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 151
I as most here will say, Wish you luck.
I too thought my Love would "cure" my son of his addiction. My bottomless pit of enabling money which was enough to pay for a 4 year degree, My worring till there was nothing left in me, again My Love. In the end it was not enough nor could it ever be.
He had to help himself. He had to care for himself. He had to make the choice. Not me, not anyone could do this for him.
One time when my son was 18 and I was treating him like a 10 year old and doing everything for him, Someone said to me "who will take care of him if you die?". It sounded so stupid to me at the time, makes all the sense in the world to me today.
I too thought my Love would "cure" my son of his addiction. My bottomless pit of enabling money which was enough to pay for a 4 year degree, My worring till there was nothing left in me, again My Love. In the end it was not enough nor could it ever be.
He had to help himself. He had to care for himself. He had to make the choice. Not me, not anyone could do this for him.
One time when my son was 18 and I was treating him like a 10 year old and doing everything for him, Someone said to me "who will take care of him if you die?". It sounded so stupid to me at the time, makes all the sense in the world to me today.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Louisiana
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Hi December,
From one Mom to another...I wish you lots of luck. I too, have struggled with this for 10 yrs, going on 11. I cringed when I thought that all the hard work and sacrifices I made for my adult children were for naught...and it made me dig in deeper! We would all rise above this insanity and I would lead the way!
My situation today...I have 3 of my adult children (33, 29, 27) all living with me. No one has jobs, their credit ruined and have no direction in life. One has 2 college degrees and the other is missing two semesters for a degree. My daughter is raising her 6 yr old. I am 57 yrs old and the only one that works. I am in the process of selling my home because I can't do a "out in the streets" X 3. This is where my "sanity" has taken me.
I am not telling you to do this or that. I just wanted to impart what I have learned through the process of trying to save them. I am slowly learning that they have to save themselves because if I die today, they would have to do it anyway. No one will come behind me and take care of them. I realize I am have/am doing them a great injustice by allowing them to live at home to continue their existence, because that's all it is. It's not a life for them by any means. I'm beginning to see that the greatest love a Mother can give is to set them free and let them learn. I keep thinking, if they were toddlers again, would I keep them from going to school because they may get hurt? I am also realizing that it is MY pain that has kept me hanging on to an impossible situation.
I will pray for you and your son in your struggles and ask for the same,
Hope
From one Mom to another...I wish you lots of luck. I too, have struggled with this for 10 yrs, going on 11. I cringed when I thought that all the hard work and sacrifices I made for my adult children were for naught...and it made me dig in deeper! We would all rise above this insanity and I would lead the way!
My situation today...I have 3 of my adult children (33, 29, 27) all living with me. No one has jobs, their credit ruined and have no direction in life. One has 2 college degrees and the other is missing two semesters for a degree. My daughter is raising her 6 yr old. I am 57 yrs old and the only one that works. I am in the process of selling my home because I can't do a "out in the streets" X 3. This is where my "sanity" has taken me.
I am not telling you to do this or that. I just wanted to impart what I have learned through the process of trying to save them. I am slowly learning that they have to save themselves because if I die today, they would have to do it anyway. No one will come behind me and take care of them. I realize I am have/am doing them a great injustice by allowing them to live at home to continue their existence, because that's all it is. It's not a life for them by any means. I'm beginning to see that the greatest love a Mother can give is to set them free and let them learn. I keep thinking, if they were toddlers again, would I keep them from going to school because they may get hurt? I am also realizing that it is MY pain that has kept me hanging on to an impossible situation.
I will pray for you and your son in your struggles and ask for the same,
Hope
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Location: Chicago area
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Originally Posted by December2011 
I feel that my love for my son will prevale over this evil.
That your love for him will snap him out of addiction is a hopeful fantasy- your ego and poppycock. Not a single one of us would be here if all it took was love. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
Having said all this, I can relate to where you are coming from. I resembled your remarks. I believed my situation was different and that I was going to beat my daughter's addiction. I was relentless. I put myself in harms way too many times and nearly bankrupted myself financially, emotionally and physically.
When I look back, all it did was empower her addiction. She had no reason to consider alternatives because I cushioned the consequences. When I look back, I realize I was sicker than she was.
Accepting that I was powerless over her and addiction was the most humbling experience of my life.
There is a good reason why the responsible adult is told to put their oxygen mask on before tending to their children.
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Originally Posted by December2011
Well, I wil take your advice, but i have to do what is in my heart.. and trust myself. i know you guys speak form experience, and I do not take what you say lightly. with that being said, I have to follow my own path, and my own heart in this matter. wish me luck take care. I feel that my love for my son will prevale over this evil.
take care. I feel that my love for my son will prevale over this evil.I choose life. You are free to choose whatever you like.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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Hi December2011: I've gotten chastised and had my post removed another time on a thread topic similar to this, so this time I'm going to be very careful in my words. My intent here is not to chastise you.
December, you've started this thread already having made the decision to take your son in and take care of him. You've been on this site long enough (since September 2011) to know that what you want to do is not what anyone here would advise is wise or the best course of action for your son.
So what is it that you want from us? Were you hoping someone would agree with you? Is there some sliver of doubt in your heart that your plans are wrong and so you are hoping someone can talk you down from this bridge? It's as if you have come to a financial planner hoping that he/she will tell you it's perfectly fine to stuff your money in a mattress in a home with no locks or smoke detectors.
Have you made these plans on the advice of another group of people? Career-wise you did not give where you are without establishing lines of communications with other people, so I know you are an intelligent woman who knows the value of having a good support group around you. So I'm thinking that your idea of taking care of your son the way you expressed above is coming from some outside source of wisdom.
So, again, December2011, what is it we here on this site can do for you? What kind of help are you looking for that we can give you?
December, you've started this thread already having made the decision to take your son in and take care of him. You've been on this site long enough (since September 2011) to know that what you want to do is not what anyone here would advise is wise or the best course of action for your son.
So what is it that you want from us? Were you hoping someone would agree with you? Is there some sliver of doubt in your heart that your plans are wrong and so you are hoping someone can talk you down from this bridge? It's as if you have come to a financial planner hoping that he/she will tell you it's perfectly fine to stuff your money in a mattress in a home with no locks or smoke detectors.
Have you made these plans on the advice of another group of people? Career-wise you did not give where you are without establishing lines of communications with other people, so I know you are an intelligent woman who knows the value of having a good support group around you. So I'm thinking that your idea of taking care of your son the way you expressed above is coming from some outside source of wisdom.
So, again, December2011, what is it we here on this site can do for you? What kind of help are you looking for that we can give you?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 213
Hi december,
I know its hard i too have an as , hes 21 hes has decided to leave my house and go into a half way house honestly if it were me that had to kick him out it would have taken a while, im glad he made the decision and wish him the best , he will be leaving some time next week, i dont hold out any kind of hope really its his life i hope he finds his way because honestly i can put up with alot but to see myself down the road enabling and taking care of him because he chooses to be a drug addict i could not , are there possibly other altenatives that you havent looked at ??, dont give up on him so easily in that i mean let him find his own way, dont cripple him . best of luck ....
I know its hard i too have an as , hes 21 hes has decided to leave my house and go into a half way house honestly if it were me that had to kick him out it would have taken a while, im glad he made the decision and wish him the best , he will be leaving some time next week, i dont hold out any kind of hope really its his life i hope he finds his way because honestly i can put up with alot but to see myself down the road enabling and taking care of him because he chooses to be a drug addict i could not , are there possibly other altenatives that you havent looked at ??, dont give up on him so easily in that i mean let him find his own way, dont cripple him . best of luck ....
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Boston, Ma
Posts: 184
Saying you don't believe in co-dependency is like saying you don't believe in addiction itself. Which it sounds like you also believe if you think your son can just stop because you love him.
You can believe that your love will save him. You can also believe that the sun is going to stay over China for good and not come up for us tomorrow morning. But the chances of either of those things happening are the same. and the reason why we know that are the same.
I'm so sorry for the heartbreak. I'm sure these people and their help will still be here if you decided you've had enough.
praying for you.
You can believe that your love will save him. You can also believe that the sun is going to stay over China for good and not come up for us tomorrow morning. But the chances of either of those things happening are the same. and the reason why we know that are the same.
I'm so sorry for the heartbreak. I'm sure these people and their help will still be here if you decided you've had enough.
praying for you.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 151
I have tried writing this a few times in a few ways and never really knew where to put it. The tone of the posts here make me feel this is the place.
When I joined here I was searching the net for info to help me with my son's addiction. I ended up fast finding out I was looking and needing help for myself. My son has his own issues and began working on them( I am proud of him). The best way of putting it was I thought everyone here and at the family lectures and meetings at the rehab hosptial were mean, uncaring, how could I not let my son's issues set my happiness/unhappiess??? What did everyone mean by telling me I could not Love this away, I could not take care of him? What was wrong was everyone were they COLD and BITTER?????
I wanted many times to ask such questions, but kept quiet and kept moving forward. I am glad I did. I soon realized my son was not "special, different, better then" all those addicts. He was an addict. We as a family were not better then anyone else's family. Every walk of life can be affected by this. I now see how I litterally almost Loved him to Death. I even bought him another car just a month before the Overdose. My name was Enabler.
It is hard to understand and accept the 3 Cs when we as Mom's always tried to kiss away the boo boos. We all have a pivital point where the light goes off, till then not much can change us. So I can understand where December is coming from and how far she has to go yet. I hope she continues to read,post and grow. I am thankful for this board and what I have learned here.
When I joined here I was searching the net for info to help me with my son's addiction. I ended up fast finding out I was looking and needing help for myself. My son has his own issues and began working on them( I am proud of him). The best way of putting it was I thought everyone here and at the family lectures and meetings at the rehab hosptial were mean, uncaring, how could I not let my son's issues set my happiness/unhappiess??? What did everyone mean by telling me I could not Love this away, I could not take care of him? What was wrong was everyone were they COLD and BITTER?????
I wanted many times to ask such questions, but kept quiet and kept moving forward. I am glad I did. I soon realized my son was not "special, different, better then" all those addicts. He was an addict. We as a family were not better then anyone else's family. Every walk of life can be affected by this. I now see how I litterally almost Loved him to Death. I even bought him another car just a month before the Overdose. My name was Enabler.
It is hard to understand and accept the 3 Cs when we as Mom's always tried to kiss away the boo boos. We all have a pivital point where the light goes off, till then not much can change us. So I can understand where December is coming from and how far she has to go yet. I hope she continues to read,post and grow. I am thankful for this board and what I have learned here.
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