barriefield

I don't even know where to start with this one. My sister is currently in a treatment program for her addiction issues, but she continues to act in what appears to me (and only me it seems at times) suspicious behaviour.

A little bit of our history.

She has never admitted openly to my knowledge the sort of addiction she is battling. We live in a small town, where everyone knows everyone and their business. So when my sister was "in deep", there was always someone in my ear confessing where they had seen her and who they had seen her with.

I was in denial for the most part. Her boyfriend smoke(d)(s) up a lot so when people would tell me they seen her at a dealers place, I assumed it was him or him and her getting weed. She was in debt, lost her job, he didn't work, she would get on welfare, his family would move in, their creditors and lawyers (he got busted for selling "weed" he says)

But also, when we would ask, she would say things like they were getting weed for him (or his sister). She was borrowing money from anyone and everyone. My Mother was paying for her kids' food and her new baby's formula & diapers, lending her money to help with her bills, buy smokers or pay for gas. Basically going into debt as well helping her out.

We thought, no more money. So my sister would cry and instead of giving her money, we bought all that stuff instead. I was growing increasingly frustrated because when my Sister would get money, it was gone in days, and she wasn't paying her bills or debts. So I started to question where she was spending all her money? She would always have excuses. Plus, the talk about seeing her at certain places was still going on. Then one day she asks me to babysit the baby while her & him go to the doctors. They tell me they would be gone for hours, but return within the hour. He walks in reeking of weed with bloodshot eyes, I am sitting on the floor with the baby and my sister comes to sit down with us. Her eyes look so dark, her pupils are huge, her eyes look so glassy, and her speech is strange. I couldn't quite place it, but she didn't sound like my sister. So there, I wasn't no longer in denial. I remember standing there as they started to drive away with my hand on the phone ready to call the police, and tell them that there were two people under the influence of something driving down the road with an infant. But all I kept thinking about was her older kids, what would happen to them. Sure I wouldn't mind it if her loser boyfriend got caught, and put a scare into her, but what if the worst happens and the kids end up in foster care and she ends up in jail, and all these horrible worst case scenarios are in my head... so I don't call.

I tell my Mother about what happened, thinking that maybe this would open her eyes up about the situation now too. It does for a bit. Then, it seemed like the less likely any of us were willing to give money to my sister, the more time she spent isolating herself from them. So she basically isolated herself from our family. She was only talking to people who were still giving her money, my Mother included. I can only assume this, but I think this hurt my Mother's feelings. My sister was going to HER sister for money now. Her boyfriend's family, HIS mother was the grandma the baby was growing up seeing all the time.

So I had a new sort of superficial relationship with her now. We still had a super relationship with her older kids. They didn't like their Mom's boyfriend, and since he was always at home (he still had no job) they would always beg to spend time at my parent's house. No one was going to my sister's house. I didn't feel welcome there, and his family had basically taken it over. They were eating all the groceries my Mom would buy the kids, and not giving nothing back in return. When THEY would get money they would take off and they wouldn't be seen until all that money was gone.

But all the nonsense didn't stop, no matter how little her kids had. No matter how poor my Mother now was. I was growing more and more frustrated. I sought out advice from other family members and local addiction centres. I would ask my mother if my sister was seeing someone about her problem yet. Soon my mother would start to hide her relationship with my sister from us. Hiding the fact that she was giving her money, paying her bills, buying things for her.

Then the real killer. My mother started ignoring my concerns. I would see my mom counting up all the change in her purse and instead of confronting her, I would ask my other sister to ask her what she was gonna do with that money.

My mother knew that I must have been the one to say something to my other sister because the next thing I hear is her telling my Dad that I want the baby to starve and that I am going around telling people my Mom is buying drugs for my sister. Previous to this moment I have put up with this sort of dismissing behaviour and had it out with her at that very moment. I was trying to talk, but halfway through was sobbing uncontrollably. A shocking sight I'm sure for my parents because that is not me. I'm not a crier and am generally in control of my emotions. The complete opposite of my sister, who would cry constantly to both my parents, especially these days. I basically laid it all out. All the confessions that people tell me about my sister and even shout out that a "drug dealer" even warned me not to give my sister money. I didn't know what to expect from my Mother, but she seemed to dismiss all my concerns about wanting to get my sister better and giving her money isn't helping and she's gonna end up in jail or dead... to ask... which drug dealer. She wanted to know who. She wanted to know the names of all these people that were saying these things. Right then, I guess I had an epiphany of sorts. Because in my head I thought, you don't want to know who for yourself, you want to know who, so you can tell her (my sister). Tell her, so you can hear her deny it and then you can believe it.

I was so hurt. I just wanted to scream. How was I the bad guy? Why the heck would my own Mother make ME the bad guy? I felt like I was going crazy. I just wanted to run away to some other city, be as far away as possible from these crazy people. Those two deserved each other, a taker, and a giver. So I stormed out of their house crying, went home and basically cried myself to sleep.

After a day of ignoring me completely. (My mother wouldn't say a single word to me or even look me in the eye). My other sister would have words with my Mother after hearing about what happened, about me merely expressing my concern and fear about our sister. She says to my Mother that she should apologize for being so hurtful, but I laugh with her when she confesses that bit, because my Mother doesn't apologize. She is more of a 'I have to have the last word' and 'if I think I am right, then I am right' mentality.

So a month or so passes after that big ordeal, my Mother seems to be less and less reluctant to simply hand over money to my sister now, and we are on relatively good terms. My sister and I have the same casual relationship though. Then one day, something horrible happens. I don't really want to get in to it because it involves my sister's kids. So this horrible thing happens and we are contacted by the other side of the kid's family. My sister's ex-inlaws. One of them confides that my Sister told them that she is on Methadone. Now having watched a few episodes of "Interventions" and reading some of the addictions literature I have a vague idea about what sort of drug my sister was using. My Mother at first seems a little bit hurt by this. My Sister has confessed to other people and not her about her addiction. My other sister was a bit more in your face with the 'I Told You So's, but my Mother would only say she was waiting for my sister to come to her to make that confession. After this my Mother seems a bit more liberal with the information my sister tells her. At some point my Sister admits that she has an addiction.

It does concern me a little when my Sister tells my Mother that she don't know why people don't trust her or are making a big deal about it because it's not like she was doing anything "serious". When my Mother tells me this, I give a little "well Methadone isn't really something they'll just hand out for nothing".

So things for the next few weeks seems to go back to relatively normal status. My sister is back in school, all the kids are doing great, bugging for money has slowed down a bit. Most of her boyfriend's family has made their move out of her house a permanent situation. His stepdad remains behind because he doesn't have anywhere else to go, and he sort of contributes financially because of his pension check.

Then we hear this big exciting news that said Stepdad is to inherit a bit of money. It's all my Sister can talk about it. When he gets his money he said he will help pay back the money we owe, we will be able to buy groceries and they make all these plans with what to do with this money. I am a little irked by her planning, because she sounds exactly like her boyfriend's mother and sister and how they would use his stepdad for his pension check. The very thing she said she was trying to "protect" the stepdad from.

Anyways, so they have all these plans for this money, so they wait. They start saying things like, I will pay you back because Stepdad is getting his big inheritance money. Then she starts missing school. Then she asks for rides to the clinic to get her "medicine", but won't go because she's too tired. Then it's randomly going to the clinic. I have no idea how methadone treatments work, but I was under the impression that it was something that is suppose to take daily and at the same time? I can see the look in my Mother's eyes when I ask her. She thinks I am raining on the parade. I'm sure there are times when she just wants me to shut up (LOL), but I can't help with the questions. So I go along with it. As long as she is still going right?

Recently now, I ended up early on a Saturday at my parents because Other Sister is taking us out to breakfast. And when I get there my parents are sitting at the table, my Mom with a serious look on her face. Then a phone call. I sit down and can't help but overhear. Someone is in jail, they left a message on my parent's phone, the message my Mother gets says they are "here", but the person on the phone says they were "there". I look at my Dad, I don't even have to ask who it is. My sister spent the night in jail. He says she left a message saying she was "here", but really she was "there" and in jail. But apparently she is out now. My Mother looks like she doesn't know what to say. So I ask where she was picked up and when? (At this point we don't know what for). We don't even know the right facts because the message Sister left at my parents was "wrong". We eventually meet up with the family member my Mother was talking to. My Sister told her everything that happened and all her charges, etc. A few minutes after telling us, that family member gets text telling my Sister not to tell my Mother... a bit too late for that. I only say too late for that. It's not like no one is gonna hear about this.

I do question the family member about what my Sister said she was doing that late at night, by herself, in the next town over. She tells us what my Sister says. My Mother is texting her at the same time and asks her. Sister says something different to my Mother. She doesn't know we are all together. I merely sigh disapprovingly. I feel so done with the situation. We quietly go on with that day. I know that my Sister will be even more reliant on my Mother without a car. And I know that money is going to be an issue again, and now legal stuff? So, while I didn't make some big proclamation shouting that I am done dealing and being concerned with what happens to my sister at this point, I think my Mother knew with my silence.

Secretly I think she's glad, she won't have anyone badgering her all the time about what she's doing for my sister "this time". Cut to earlier in the week, my parents and I are enjoying ourselves at a hockey game, I guess my Sister was texting my Dad for help or that she wanted to see him right away. But he isn't like my Mother, while my Mother continued all that "helping out", he doesn't, when she texts he doesn't go running. So, he tells my Mother to go see her because she wants to see you etc. Now I don't know why, but we took off from that arena so fast, I think my Mother thought something must have been wrong by the speed we were going at.

We get there, by this point it's around 10PM. Sister comes out of the house and when my Mom asks what's wrong, she says she needs a ride... to get a book? A book for my niece. Ten o'clock at night. I guess that sort of seems logical that you would need to get it right away for school tomorrow right? So we take off. We end up at the shadiest looking place in the world! A junky trailer with the windows boarded up and three cars running in the driveway. In my head I am thinking 'are you serious?!'. If we are, where I think we are, Sister has some majorly brazen fracking balls. Sister hops out real fast, walks over to one of the cars in the driveway, hops in eventually. I am thinking about telling my Mom to just go. Let's leave her here. All I am thinking is, I hope no one sees ME here, I hope if this is a dealers house it isn't getting raided while I'm here. That would probably run me & my Mother's reputation/lives.

Sister hops back out of the car within a few minutes and is walking back to the vehicle, she doesn't have any book with her. I casually, but quite angrily say, "well where's her book?". My Mother doesn't say anything. When my Sister hops in the car she asks my Sister where the book is. My Sister says something along the lines of "oh they just left to drop the book off". She attempts chitchat, but I am so pissed all I can respond with are snappy comebacks. She asks me why I am sitting in the back. I answer, I don't want to be seen at a drug dealer's house. She stops the chitchat with me and chatters with my Mother instead. We drop her off. I am still mad. The next evening, I basically let lose again. Mostly snapping about what would have happened to YOU if that was a dealer's house we were just at.

Blah blah blah, was apparently all my Mother heard. My Sister maturely contacts me on Facebook and basically says I know you're talking about me I hear everything you say about me, what people are telling you about me, if you want to believe them then you won't see me anymore. At first I find it a bit dramatic and comical. She hasn't exactly been visiting so much that people would notice her absence. But she did the same thing my Mother would do, that's I have to last word then block me so I can't respond. Not really hurt by this, when she wasn't getting along with our other sister she did very mature things like that as well.

What did hurt me was my Mother... who once again RAN to my Sister and told her everything I said. Like literally TWO mins after I talk with my Mother, she leaves to pick up my nephew at my Sister's house, and I get the messages. So here we are, I know I can't trust my Mother with anything now. I feel like she's choosing sides, or making things black & white. You either trust & believe my Sister, or you are part of the Others and I will tell on you. I confessed to my Dad and our other Sister about my Mother and her eagerness to out all the naysayers. So now what? If I'm worried I can't say anything to my Mother?

I wish I knew what was going on with those two, and how or why my Sister has such a big hold on my Mother.

washbe2

Life around an addict is truly crazy. As a mom, I know moms are the last ones to want to believe this could possibly be true about their child. It's even more difficult when young children are involved.

I don't have an answer for you. I don't even have one for myself...except that you can't fix it. If you're new to this, you may need to hear "You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it." I feel concern for the children surrounded by this though.

If you and your mother could find a naranon meeting or something similar, it would probably help. The first time I went to one, I went to find an answer on how to "fix" my son. Instead, I heard I couldn't fix him and all of their stories were so like mine...pawn shops, bounced checks, debt, shady places, etc.

Just read all you can, stay with this site, and take care of yourself. You will find people here who truly care and are supportive. We understand your frustration and your pain.
Pray there is relief for you and yours very soon.

outtolunch

Your sister's actions betray her words. Your sister is addicted to an opiate, heroin or pills. She may or may not be in a Methodone Maintenance Program. If she is, she likely has branched out to other substances. It really does not matter. Addiction is addiction.

Trust your gut about your sister's children. Addicts are not competent to parent. Seriously consider calling CPS to investigate and then step back.

You have no more control over your mother's behavior and choices than you do over your sister. Please give serious consideration to acting upon your feelings and be done with the situation and the never ending drama which is highly addictive unto itself for all parties.

There is a tendency in all of us to focus too much time and attention on other people's problems and neglect taking care of ourselves in the process. You may want to determine if there are any Alanon meetings in your area for an opportunity to learn more about managing your reactions to a family situation beyond your control.

Chino

Your mom is acting like that because she overly identifies with your sister, to the point of having lost herself. Whatever happens to your sister, she internalizes it just as if it's happening to her. Even worse, when your sister hits her bottom and she will, your mom may not hit her own personal bottom.

It's often said that codies are just as sick as those they enable, if not sicker, and it's true. Please do what you can for those kids that does not involve enabling your sister. Read the ACOA forum here for an eye opener on how children are devastatingly affected by their addict parents. Get yourself to a 12 step meeting and learn how to deal with your addicted loved ones. Your mom is addicted, too

barriefield

Thanks for all the kind & supportive words. I truly appreciate it. It has been a real eye-opener these past few days on this site. I have been reading post after post and everything sounds so familiar and gosh am I ever grateful to have stumbled across this site.

My Sister is already under CPS's watchful eye because of what had happened with one of her kids. I trust that they will be keeping an eye on the situation with her kids for the time-being. I am thankful to the person who did call though, even if it got my sister suspicious with us because she was sure it was one of us (me, my mom, and other sister).

I think that was a bit of a wakeup call for my Sister. Because it meant that her & her BF couldn't just "talk" or cry their way out of trouble and their situation. That with CPS the kids would come first, no matter how hard the consequences on my Sister.

Oxys addictions are pretty bad in my town, so I think that this is what she is/was taking. Like I mentioned, Sister seems to think that what she was taking isn't that "serious", as if popping those pills wasn't like shooting up or snorting powder. Our community health care system no longer pays or prescribes these pills, and I read in the news that OxyContins (and it's generic brand) are being banned/destroyed by the end of March. So I am happy to hear that. It probably won't be helping those that are currently addicted, but here's hoping that it prevents new people from experimenting and becoming addicted.

I am doing my best to take care of myself. Looking back now, it seems so scary and strange to have been so stressed out and obsessive about Her. I think her "shunning" will benefit me more than her. The only time I thought about Her was when my Mom would talk about her.

I really don't know how to deal with that though. I mean, yeah it's nice to hear that yesterday my Sister and her kids had a nice big family dinner and they were all loved up, but I feel like she had an ulterior motive.

I really don't know if she does it on purpose, but my Mom makes me feel like a bad sister. Like I said before "I" am the bad guy. She seems so caught up in my Sister's recovery, and potential success. That I'm not sure she realizes how hard it's going to be for my Sister to overcome this addiction, especially with my Sister's boyfriend in the picture who is a big pothead (who more than likely WON'T be quitting that). They both seem to think that it's all puppies and daisies from here on out because Sister is in a program. It makes me feel so negative and pessimistic when I question her recovery. I feel like I am on the defensive all the time and they are on the offensive.

So yesterday when my Mom was telling me what a wonderful day my Sister was having, it really felt like she was saying "see. See! SEE! how good your Sister's life is now". It's rough because I love that me and my Mom spend so much time together.

Would it be wrong to ask her not to talk about my Sister to me for the time-being?

outtolunch

Nothing wrong with establishing a boundary that you will not participate in family dramas, seek and rescue missions or listen to the latest blah-blah about your sister. A boundary does not seek to control other people's behaviors. You can ask mom to stifle. She may or may not be willing to do so. And you know what- that's OK. You alone are responsible for your own boundary and if it's crossed you remove yourself from the situation.

Disengage from the conversation and calmly hang up the phone or leave the room or house. Don't jump on the band wagon for the next rescue mission.

This is the part you control.

barriefield

thanks a lot outtolunch, I really appreciate your opinions and ideas!

Since I know I won't be able to talk to my Mom about this without getting emotional, I've written down a nice cue card for myself. I haven't given or read it to her yet, but I know I have to have something to refer to. I always use to let my emotions on the situation get the better of me, so this way I won't look like some babbling donkey.

CanfixONLYme

Hi barriefield... - all of these posters are bang on with their solid observations. I have only recently (in the past few days in fact!), come to embrace this kind of advice for myself - I actually "get it" now but it took me a long time to come to this point.

I hope the journey is not long and hard for you and that you find your solace quicker than I did.

Hugs to you!