Partner with cocaine dependency..where do we go from here?
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Yorkshire, UK
Posts: 2
Partner with cocaine dependency..where do we go from here?
Hello,
I've been with my partner for a year and a half, when we got together he was using cocaine on a regular basis (almost every day) apparently because he had recently lost his daughter and he could get coke "on tap" for free.
He has a past of quite serious cocaine addiction and was also addicted to crack at one point, years ago. He spent thousands, nearly died and lost friends as a result.
Over the first 3 months of our relationship his cocaine use dropped significantly (I wouldn't have let the relationship develop if it hadn't). He's never stopped doing it all together, but for a while, instead of doing it every other day, he would have a gram or half a gram at a weekend.
Over the last couple of months that had dropped down to once or twice a month, and our relationship had improved as a result, with a lot less arguments, and I thought things were going in the right direction.
But over the last couple of weeks, he's doing it every weekend, 2 or 3 times, and now I seem to have become completely intolerant of it. As I said to him, if every now and again, he was going to a party and having a good time and had a bit, that would not be a problem. I don't want to tell him not to do it all together. But his cocaine use is not recreational or sociable, he usually does it alone, or around other people, but he's the only one sneaking off to the toilet to have some.
And he has it because it makes him feel good because he doesn't feel good in himself, not because it's fun. He is not nice when he's on coke (who is?) he becomes what I see as a "different person", he's either nasty and sort of aggressive or he just swamps you with all his problems and won't stop talking and realise he's not the only person in existence.
Another thing is his sex drive, since stopping the "hardcore" coke use a year or so ago, his libido has drastically lowered, from needing to go at it every night, to being able to once a week, but with no real desire. I know cocaine can make people horny while they are on it, but in the long term..can it make you impotent? Would that only happen after he'd cut down or stopped?
It is causing problems again this last few weeks. Last weekend, he had some on Friday, and all Saturday he started drinking (he can't handle his drink very well, coke sobers him up) and on Saturday night he was very, very nasty to me without provocation. When we talked about it the next day, he said it was because he'd had a bit of coke on Friday and on Saturday he wanted more but was pissed off that he couldn't have any, that's why he got angry.
This weekend he had some on Friday, we had a serious talk about it on Saturday, he then went to the pub and came back not too drunk, but I heard him snorting in the bathroom (and there was residue on the toilet seat). It just wasn't appropriate then, my little sister was round, we were having a movie night. He denied it til he was blue in the face, but I know he was doing it, and his denial made me even more angry at him.
He has admitted recently that he needs help, and is starting to come around to the idea of counselling, as he says his problems mostly stem from his past and his relationship with his mother. But he also thinks that because he's not doing it to ridiculous lengths like he used to, it's not that much of a big deal.
I personally think he needs to stop doing it all together, as in NEVER again, not even "just a line", because of his history of addiction.
What can I do? Basically, if he doesn't sort this out, at some point I'm going to leave him. I don't want to, because (as they all say) otherwise he's such a lovely guy and the relationship is great.
How can I put it to him without threatening and making the situation worse? (if he's annoyed and you tell him not to do something, then he probably will do it just to spite you) How can I say, stop doing coke, or get out of my life, without provoking him?
What I have started doing recently is making a log of all his drinking and drug use (that I know about) and the behaviour around it, not so I can use it as a weapon against him, but so at some point he might see how bad it really is.
Any suggestions? I'm an adult child of an alcoholic so this is painful for me. I am aware that I might be drawn to him because he is an addict, and I don't want to become codependant or start thinking I can save him from himself.
Thanks for reading, A xx
I've been with my partner for a year and a half, when we got together he was using cocaine on a regular basis (almost every day) apparently because he had recently lost his daughter and he could get coke "on tap" for free.
He has a past of quite serious cocaine addiction and was also addicted to crack at one point, years ago. He spent thousands, nearly died and lost friends as a result.
Over the first 3 months of our relationship his cocaine use dropped significantly (I wouldn't have let the relationship develop if it hadn't). He's never stopped doing it all together, but for a while, instead of doing it every other day, he would have a gram or half a gram at a weekend.
Over the last couple of months that had dropped down to once or twice a month, and our relationship had improved as a result, with a lot less arguments, and I thought things were going in the right direction.
But over the last couple of weeks, he's doing it every weekend, 2 or 3 times, and now I seem to have become completely intolerant of it. As I said to him, if every now and again, he was going to a party and having a good time and had a bit, that would not be a problem. I don't want to tell him not to do it all together. But his cocaine use is not recreational or sociable, he usually does it alone, or around other people, but he's the only one sneaking off to the toilet to have some.
And he has it because it makes him feel good because he doesn't feel good in himself, not because it's fun. He is not nice when he's on coke (who is?) he becomes what I see as a "different person", he's either nasty and sort of aggressive or he just swamps you with all his problems and won't stop talking and realise he's not the only person in existence.
Another thing is his sex drive, since stopping the "hardcore" coke use a year or so ago, his libido has drastically lowered, from needing to go at it every night, to being able to once a week, but with no real desire. I know cocaine can make people horny while they are on it, but in the long term..can it make you impotent? Would that only happen after he'd cut down or stopped?
It is causing problems again this last few weeks. Last weekend, he had some on Friday, and all Saturday he started drinking (he can't handle his drink very well, coke sobers him up) and on Saturday night he was very, very nasty to me without provocation. When we talked about it the next day, he said it was because he'd had a bit of coke on Friday and on Saturday he wanted more but was pissed off that he couldn't have any, that's why he got angry.
This weekend he had some on Friday, we had a serious talk about it on Saturday, he then went to the pub and came back not too drunk, but I heard him snorting in the bathroom (and there was residue on the toilet seat). It just wasn't appropriate then, my little sister was round, we were having a movie night. He denied it til he was blue in the face, but I know he was doing it, and his denial made me even more angry at him.
He has admitted recently that he needs help, and is starting to come around to the idea of counselling, as he says his problems mostly stem from his past and his relationship with his mother. But he also thinks that because he's not doing it to ridiculous lengths like he used to, it's not that much of a big deal.
I personally think he needs to stop doing it all together, as in NEVER again, not even "just a line", because of his history of addiction.
What can I do? Basically, if he doesn't sort this out, at some point I'm going to leave him. I don't want to, because (as they all say) otherwise he's such a lovely guy and the relationship is great.
How can I put it to him without threatening and making the situation worse? (if he's annoyed and you tell him not to do something, then he probably will do it just to spite you) How can I say, stop doing coke, or get out of my life, without provoking him?
What I have started doing recently is making a log of all his drinking and drug use (that I know about) and the behaviour around it, not so I can use it as a weapon against him, but so at some point he might see how bad it really is.
Any suggestions? I'm an adult child of an alcoholic so this is painful for me. I am aware that I might be drawn to him because he is an addict, and I don't want to become codependant or start thinking I can save him from himself.
Thanks for reading, A xx
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I personally think he needs to stop doing it all together, as in NEVER again, not even "just a line", because of his history of addiction.
Take a read around, you will see how many people here lost years of their life "waiting" for the addict to come to their senses. We begged, pleaded, threatened, bribed, got angry, got sad, got depressed...all because the addict was someone we loved and it was scary to watch them destroy themselves.
The thing is, all the love in the world cannot save an addict, if it could not one of us would be here. Only they can do that, and if they are not ready it just isn't going to happen.
Words mean nothing, actions tell the true story. When they want to get clean, they will take the action necessary to do it. Until then all the words in the world won't make it happen.
I am glad you joined us here, I hope you can find some comfort and hope reading from the addicts who did find recovery here. And I hope you can gain some wisdom from the codependents like me, who lost years of their life trying to save someone who didn't want to be saved.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
I. too, have kept a log (and journal and ledger...). It hasn't made a huge difference for the addict in my life. I always thought that maybe if he had a "witness" who stuck by him and loved him (without "enabling" him) that he would see his own reality and it would "help" him to stop.
Eventually what that log did was to help me to see. Sometimes when you are on the road with someone else and start making the discovery that you are powerless it is helpful to have a "compass". My log, that I started because I thought it would help him, has become a useful tool for my own recovery. I think that without the touchstone and record of my own observations I would have maybe become entangled (even more so) in the confusion and denial and excuses.
Go ahead and keep your log, record the things he says to you, the frequency of his use, the mood swings, the way you feel. I have not made absolute decisions yet, I still doing the math on the entries in my ledger...but I do think I would be pretty lost without it. In the ongoing process, I think that when we are doing the best we can, using our resources and tools for our own recovery...then our own recovery is the best we can do.
And though we are powerless over others addictions, we can become disentangled from the dysfunction...and that is good for all involved. peace to you
Eventually what that log did was to help me to see. Sometimes when you are on the road with someone else and start making the discovery that you are powerless it is helpful to have a "compass". My log, that I started because I thought it would help him, has become a useful tool for my own recovery. I think that without the touchstone and record of my own observations I would have maybe become entangled (even more so) in the confusion and denial and excuses.
Go ahead and keep your log, record the things he says to you, the frequency of his use, the mood swings, the way you feel. I have not made absolute decisions yet, I still doing the math on the entries in my ledger...but I do think I would be pretty lost without it. In the ongoing process, I think that when we are doing the best we can, using our resources and tools for our own recovery...then our own recovery is the best we can do.
And though we are powerless over others addictions, we can become disentangled from the dysfunction...and that is good for all involved. peace to you
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Your post is an account from someone in active codependency and someone in need of recovery. Your words are what they call "classic" codependent language and thinking.
If you find a counselor, or go to recovery meetings for codependents, you will become healthy again. For now, your codependency mirrors his addiction. Neither of you is well.
Being in relationship with an addict always creates codependent thinking and behavior. It is inevitable. It is also damaging in its impact on your mental health, your relationships with everyone else in your life, and even your physical health and safety.
My heartfelt advice is to immediately seek help for yourself to avoid any further damage.
What he does is beyond your control or influence.
If you find a counselor, or go to recovery meetings for codependents, you will become healthy again. For now, your codependency mirrors his addiction. Neither of you is well.
Being in relationship with an addict always creates codependent thinking and behavior. It is inevitable. It is also damaging in its impact on your mental health, your relationships with everyone else in your life, and even your physical health and safety.
My heartfelt advice is to immediately seek help for yourself to avoid any further damage.
What he does is beyond your control or influence.
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
Any suggestions? I'm an adult child of an alcoholic so this is painful for me. I am aware that I might be drawn to him because he is an addict, and I don't want to become codependant or start thinking I can save him from himself.
Take care of "you" first and do not enable him in anyway. I'm 5 months of crack now because I was determined to stop using. He's gonna have to do the work himself.
Take care of "you" first and do not enable him in anyway. I'm 5 months of crack now because I was determined to stop using. He's gonna have to do the work himself.
IsItAlright
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: rainbow
Posts: 157
Oh... I did this log before and wrote him a letter... Explained him why i was worried because of the frequent use. I thought that he'd understand and it'd give him time to think before he reacts. But he said I was crazy because I kept that log and wrote him the letter... Jesus.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 445
And he has it because it makes him feel good because he doesn't feel good in himself, not because it's fun
I think a lot of people start using because the drugs do exactly that; take them away from themselves; and all their problems…. But it’s a short lived relief… and then they realize they have another problem, the drug itself - but they cant break the cycle now, because now they feel even worse about themselves.
He has admitted recently that he needs help, and is starting to come around to the idea of counselling, as he says his problems mostly stem from his past and his relationship with his mother. But he also thinks that because he's not doing it to ridiculous lengths like he used to, it's not that much of a big deal
If he is considering counseling then I would encourage him; I think the idea of recording his use is ok; but don’t let it consume you. One serious problem that I see often from reading post here on the forum; is that loved ones do all these things EXPECTING the addict to acknowledge, appreciate, or change their behavior – and when they don’t get the response they are looking for anger quickly builds…. They feel they have been used.
If he really is considering the idea of counseling, maybe you could suggest that for a few days or a week- he try journaling his feelings – what triggers his use, how he feels after…. He might be receptive to it; he might not – but he could use it as a prelim to approaching a counseling session.
I personally think he needs to stop doing it all together, as in NEVER again, not even "just a line", because of his history of addiction.
My BF snorted coke for quite a while; before I met him. I think he was actually able to control it for a long time… but in the end it spiraled out of control; and he became obsessive over shooting it up.
Your BF may not be ready to accept he needs to fully stop; but your right; that is what he needs to do.
Another thing is his sex drive, since stopping the "hardcore" coke use a year or so ago, his libido has drastically lowered, from needing to go at it every night, to being able to once a week, but with no real desire. I know cocaine can make people horny while they are on it, but in the long term..can it make you impotent? Would that only happen after he'd cut down or stopped?
From what I understand; in the beginning coke has a very positive affect on the libido; but in time with hard use it will have a negative affect. But also, once they cut back or stop there is an adjustment phase where the body has to regulate itself so to speak. But to answer your question, I don’t think it is permanent. My BF seems fine in that department. And as far as the coke goes, barring a one night relapse - he’s been off it almost a year.
Good Luck to You Both !
Kel
I think a lot of people start using because the drugs do exactly that; take them away from themselves; and all their problems…. But it’s a short lived relief… and then they realize they have another problem, the drug itself - but they cant break the cycle now, because now they feel even worse about themselves.
He has admitted recently that he needs help, and is starting to come around to the idea of counselling, as he says his problems mostly stem from his past and his relationship with his mother. But he also thinks that because he's not doing it to ridiculous lengths like he used to, it's not that much of a big deal
If he is considering counseling then I would encourage him; I think the idea of recording his use is ok; but don’t let it consume you. One serious problem that I see often from reading post here on the forum; is that loved ones do all these things EXPECTING the addict to acknowledge, appreciate, or change their behavior – and when they don’t get the response they are looking for anger quickly builds…. They feel they have been used.
If he really is considering the idea of counseling, maybe you could suggest that for a few days or a week- he try journaling his feelings – what triggers his use, how he feels after…. He might be receptive to it; he might not – but he could use it as a prelim to approaching a counseling session.
I personally think he needs to stop doing it all together, as in NEVER again, not even "just a line", because of his history of addiction.
My BF snorted coke for quite a while; before I met him. I think he was actually able to control it for a long time… but in the end it spiraled out of control; and he became obsessive over shooting it up.
Your BF may not be ready to accept he needs to fully stop; but your right; that is what he needs to do.
Another thing is his sex drive, since stopping the "hardcore" coke use a year or so ago, his libido has drastically lowered, from needing to go at it every night, to being able to once a week, but with no real desire. I know cocaine can make people horny while they are on it, but in the long term..can it make you impotent? Would that only happen after he'd cut down or stopped?
From what I understand; in the beginning coke has a very positive affect on the libido; but in time with hard use it will have a negative affect. But also, once they cut back or stop there is an adjustment phase where the body has to regulate itself so to speak. But to answer your question, I don’t think it is permanent. My BF seems fine in that department. And as far as the coke goes, barring a one night relapse - he’s been off it almost a year.
Good Luck to You Both !
Kel
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((outofmyhead))) - I have been on both sides of the addiction fence. Back before I became an addict (which I am SURE it was because I was so codependent, couldn't control or change my A bf, so started numbing myself out). I would write him letters, point out things, and it did no good.
Someone could have kept a log of what *I* did while active, and it would have done no good. I knew what I was doing, my bf was another crack addict and I distanced myself from family.
I had to work on my codependency AND addiction..in recovery for both, and in all honesty, the codie one has been the hardest. I think I was born a codie, as it was not a part of my growing up. I was always drawn to guys with problems..spent over 20 years with one of them.
Recovery is hard work...codie and addiction, but it has to be OUR recovery...you work yours, he works his.
I never kept a log, but I did make a list of "pros and cons" not long ago when I found out my first XABF had gotten married (the one I'd been with for 20+ years) and feelings came out of the woodwork..stuff I thought I'd gotten past...why didn't he love ME enough to marry? What was wrong with ME?
After making the list? The pros list was really short, the con list...I could have gone on for days (though I thought he was "Mr. Wonderful with a little drinking problem" back then), and I came to the conclusion that I pity his wife. Not only that, he couldn't HANDLE the me I am today...I found my backbone, my worth, though continue working on the self esteem thing.
I deserve to have a life without someone using something to get through whatever. So do you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Someone could have kept a log of what *I* did while active, and it would have done no good. I knew what I was doing, my bf was another crack addict and I distanced myself from family.
I had to work on my codependency AND addiction..in recovery for both, and in all honesty, the codie one has been the hardest. I think I was born a codie, as it was not a part of my growing up. I was always drawn to guys with problems..spent over 20 years with one of them.
Recovery is hard work...codie and addiction, but it has to be OUR recovery...you work yours, he works his.
I never kept a log, but I did make a list of "pros and cons" not long ago when I found out my first XABF had gotten married (the one I'd been with for 20+ years) and feelings came out of the woodwork..stuff I thought I'd gotten past...why didn't he love ME enough to marry? What was wrong with ME?
After making the list? The pros list was really short, the con list...I could have gone on for days (though I thought he was "Mr. Wonderful with a little drinking problem" back then), and I came to the conclusion that I pity his wife. Not only that, he couldn't HANDLE the me I am today...I found my backbone, my worth, though continue working on the self esteem thing.
I deserve to have a life without someone using something to get through whatever. So do you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by outofmyhead 
I seem to have become completely intolerant of it.
" I will not associate with people in active addiction" is a boundary. It does not attempt to control what other people do.
" You will stop and seek counseling or else" is an attempt to control him.
Which approach do you think will be most effective in achieving your goal of zero tolerance?
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