Its been about a year since the storm hit...
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 159
Its been about a year since the storm hit...
Hi - I am feeling so sad tonight and needed some friends to lean on.
I shouldn't feel sad, but I can't stop the tears tonight. The calm has come since the "poopstorm" hit about a year ago when my husband was binging on coke in our house and and had it laying around in our 2 year old's reach. I ended up putting him in rehab for a month, he got out, and relapsed for about 6 months.
Now, about a year later, we are divorced, our daughter is 3, my ex is living in sober housing, seeing our daughter 2x/week on a supervised basis either with my "ex" inlaws or me, and everyone seems to be adjusting fairly well. Our daughter is doing well (she is the most important from my perspective) and ex seems to be doing "the best he has been/happiest he has been in years".
Why then, do all of a sudden do I feel like I have been hit by a truck? All of a sudden I feel like I am re-living the drama of last year, and can't help questioning why I married him, or why didn't I meet him when he is doing so well like he is now? Not that I would ever go back - he doesn't have a job and I could never, ever, trust him again.
He was married once before and did the same long term relapse that he did after our divorce, so I worry about when the "shoe will drop again". For my daughter's sake, I hope it doesn't.
Ex and I met for coffee on Friday to discuss co-parenting and he said when he was relapsing he basically admitted to trying to self-destruct in his drug use. Yet, in that same conversation he said he was sending me an email to request 1/2 of his belongings still in the house that I now own per our divorce. Oh, I also might mention he asked me to bring him his cologne of all things! (which, I don't have).
I am so confused. I thought this chapter was closed, but my heart is just breaking. Don't get me wrong, I don't want him back, I am just feel like a "shell" right now and need some closure.
I shouldn't feel sad, but I can't stop the tears tonight. The calm has come since the "poopstorm" hit about a year ago when my husband was binging on coke in our house and and had it laying around in our 2 year old's reach. I ended up putting him in rehab for a month, he got out, and relapsed for about 6 months.
Now, about a year later, we are divorced, our daughter is 3, my ex is living in sober housing, seeing our daughter 2x/week on a supervised basis either with my "ex" inlaws or me, and everyone seems to be adjusting fairly well. Our daughter is doing well (she is the most important from my perspective) and ex seems to be doing "the best he has been/happiest he has been in years".
Why then, do all of a sudden do I feel like I have been hit by a truck? All of a sudden I feel like I am re-living the drama of last year, and can't help questioning why I married him, or why didn't I meet him when he is doing so well like he is now? Not that I would ever go back - he doesn't have a job and I could never, ever, trust him again.
He was married once before and did the same long term relapse that he did after our divorce, so I worry about when the "shoe will drop again". For my daughter's sake, I hope it doesn't.
Ex and I met for coffee on Friday to discuss co-parenting and he said when he was relapsing he basically admitted to trying to self-destruct in his drug use. Yet, in that same conversation he said he was sending me an email to request 1/2 of his belongings still in the house that I now own per our divorce. Oh, I also might mention he asked me to bring him his cologne of all things! (which, I don't have).
I am so confused. I thought this chapter was closed, but my heart is just breaking. Don't get me wrong, I don't want him back, I am just feel like a "shell" right now and need some closure.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I know it's hard when you have a little one involved. Maybe it would be best if you kept your communications strictly to matters involving your daughter, and conduct that business over the phone or by email. If he starts meandering into other matters, you can just say you have to go if you are on the phone, or just ignore that part of the email. Other than that, I don't really have any suggestions. You owe him nothing, so, unless you just want to give him some of what he calls "his stuff," you don't have to.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
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it's a new day...
I can so empathize with how you feel. when you love someone, you can see their best even when they are at their worst. and when they are at their worst sometimes you just need to separate. decoupling is difficult, and when you can't just go forward solo because of co-parenting and such, the vulnerability is a greater risk. setting boundaries is hard, and seeing someone you loved and wanted to live with possibly on the right road can really confuse the heart.
as you say though, and as I am coming to believe for myself as well, the lack of trust can just simply be a deal breaker...I wish I could help you keep your heart out of the risk of confusion. I will say this much...his asking for his cologne?? that seems like a very manipulative thing to do...it reeks of painful implications. I think that the separated addict in recovery seeks to find way to feel at balance and to prove that they are as "good as" rather than "less than" those that have had to leave them due to their addiction. god bless them, they struggle in their effort to rebuild their self worth. Just be aware that he may use some part of your spirit as some sort of leverage to feel better.
keep practicing gratitude for the boundaries you have created, keeping your spirit/heart/mind healthy and happy when interfacing can be a lot of work, and maybe your temporary spell of sadness is just normal...it doesn't matter the circumstances...he still represents loss.
I can so empathize with how you feel. when you love someone, you can see their best even when they are at their worst. and when they are at their worst sometimes you just need to separate. decoupling is difficult, and when you can't just go forward solo because of co-parenting and such, the vulnerability is a greater risk. setting boundaries is hard, and seeing someone you loved and wanted to live with possibly on the right road can really confuse the heart.
as you say though, and as I am coming to believe for myself as well, the lack of trust can just simply be a deal breaker...I wish I could help you keep your heart out of the risk of confusion. I will say this much...his asking for his cologne?? that seems like a very manipulative thing to do...it reeks of painful implications. I think that the separated addict in recovery seeks to find way to feel at balance and to prove that they are as "good as" rather than "less than" those that have had to leave them due to their addiction. god bless them, they struggle in their effort to rebuild their self worth. Just be aware that he may use some part of your spirit as some sort of leverage to feel better.
keep practicing gratitude for the boundaries you have created, keeping your spirit/heart/mind healthy and happy when interfacing can be a lot of work, and maybe your temporary spell of sadness is just normal...it doesn't matter the circumstances...he still represents loss.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 159
Thank you both for your comments. Leslie - yes, the cologne comment was simply a stab in the heart...and did seem somewhat manipulative to me as well. It was a very interesting comment as I had just given him 2 boxes of personal belongings and he had been in the garage to collect his things (toiletries, etc, where the cologne had been).
I am struggling on the house belongings. He can't use until he gets out of sober housing (which wont be until the end of the year), yet I want closure. Yet, some of the things I don't want to give him and/or would have to buy new items to replace.
I need to be grateful for the boundaries I have set and work on creating new ones that I need. I think I also struggle with boundaries with my inlaws. They live about a block away and they pick up our daughter 1x/week for a visit with her dad. My mother in law also walks our dog so has a key to our house. If I had to hire a dog walker, it would be about 200 bucks a month, and if I tell her I don't want to have her walk our dog anymore, she would see it as "lashing out" at her.
The interconnections are still there and are hard to pull away from. However, seems somewhat trivial when others are struggling with life or death situations.
I will be grateful today and give thanks for my beautiful daughter and that she is now safe.
I am struggling on the house belongings. He can't use until he gets out of sober housing (which wont be until the end of the year), yet I want closure. Yet, some of the things I don't want to give him and/or would have to buy new items to replace.
I need to be grateful for the boundaries I have set and work on creating new ones that I need. I think I also struggle with boundaries with my inlaws. They live about a block away and they pick up our daughter 1x/week for a visit with her dad. My mother in law also walks our dog so has a key to our house. If I had to hire a dog walker, it would be about 200 bucks a month, and if I tell her I don't want to have her walk our dog anymore, she would see it as "lashing out" at her.
The interconnections are still there and are hard to pull away from. However, seems somewhat trivial when others are struggling with life or death situations.
I will be grateful today and give thanks for my beautiful daughter and that she is now safe.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
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How hard. Those words from him, that he's "the happiest he's been in years."
You have been so hurt and abandoned by him, have had your own hopes for happiness ripped away by him when you were married. How painful to sit, with him, with all your shattered pieces barely glued back together, and listen to him wax eloquent about how great his life is now. And, oh, by the way can he have his cologne.
I would spend MINIMUM time with this man.
You are deserving of genuine happiness and I believe you will truly find it.
You have been so hurt and abandoned by him, have had your own hopes for happiness ripped away by him when you were married. How painful to sit, with him, with all your shattered pieces barely glued back together, and listen to him wax eloquent about how great his life is now. And, oh, by the way can he have his cologne.
I would spend MINIMUM time with this man.
You are deserving of genuine happiness and I believe you will truly find it.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: LA CA
Posts: 110
Things will get brighter, they may not feel tis way but they will. I am telling you this so that I may get better too. I truly believe that we are learning a great and powerful lesson that will give us a more fulfilling life experience in the future. You are doing the best you can...
Hugs
Hugs
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 159
English garden - you hit the nail on the head. I didn't realize it until you read it, but you summed up my feelings to a "T" despite the fact that I have been pretending I have been fine.
I think I have some healing to do. How interesting it all comes after the calm? Maybe the business of the holidays, etc kept me busy, and now I can be "present" with my feelings.
Thank you all for listening and sharing your kind and thoughtful words of encouragement.
I think I have some healing to do. How interesting it all comes after the calm? Maybe the business of the holidays, etc kept me busy, and now I can be "present" with my feelings.
Thank you all for listening and sharing your kind and thoughtful words of encouragement.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: In the South
Posts: 228
I agree that your feelings are perfectly normal, and it's ok for you to allow yourself to "feel" them, and allow yourself to cry it all out. This is a part of the grieving process, for the life together that was lost. Look up the stages of grief (I can't quote them all in order right now, getting a bit sleepy) but I think the acceptance part won't be far behind and then you will feel much better and will be able to interact with him minimally and with neutral emotion.
As for M-I-L walking your dog, do you inlaws intrude into your home, or privacy, and how are they with your daughter? How will it be when you choose to start having company again? As in, what if you were to ever have a date??? Living that close to a set of grandparents can be a blessing or a curse, it all depends, lol.
As for M-I-L walking your dog, do you inlaws intrude into your home, or privacy, and how are they with your daughter? How will it be when you choose to start having company again? As in, what if you were to ever have a date??? Living that close to a set of grandparents can be a blessing or a curse, it all depends, lol.
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I get more healing from reading these replies also. His comments where he is "waxing eloquent" (awesome!) on his happiness and needing his cologne (he's planning on doing some lady shopping), are coming from the same self-centeredness he had when using. His brain is still messed up from the drug use. Hopefully he will get more balanced with time.
I still remember the day my (then) husband, who had separated from me and was then living with his new girlfriend, dropped the kids off from visitation. He paid no child support and angrily and viciously blamed me for everything. But this day he was very excited when he met me at the door and wanted me very much to meet his new girlfriend. He was like a child who had just gotten the toy that he had been dreaming of. When I did not respond with the same excitement, I saw him deflate.
Is there a part of you that is hoping his comments will be more along the lines of "I'm sorry for the hurt and chaos I caused you. I'm sorry you have to be cleaning up the mess I created. You did nothing wrong. I am the one who let you down and let our daughter down. I'm so sorry." I know you know that you cannot put your life on hold waiting for those comments, but having to listen to the comments he did spew out was like putting in the knife and turning it.
Keep coming back. There's healing here.
I still remember the day my (then) husband, who had separated from me and was then living with his new girlfriend, dropped the kids off from visitation. He paid no child support and angrily and viciously blamed me for everything. But this day he was very excited when he met me at the door and wanted me very much to meet his new girlfriend. He was like a child who had just gotten the toy that he had been dreaming of. When I did not respond with the same excitement, I saw him deflate.
Is there a part of you that is hoping his comments will be more along the lines of "I'm sorry for the hurt and chaos I caused you. I'm sorry you have to be cleaning up the mess I created. You did nothing wrong. I am the one who let you down and let our daughter down. I'm so sorry." I know you know that you cannot put your life on hold waiting for those comments, but having to listen to the comments he did spew out was like putting in the knife and turning it.
Keep coming back. There's healing here.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 159
Thanks everyone.
Yes, knife turning it was (the cologne comment and "I have never been better"!
I realized that as well - no wonder the pain set in! Thanks for your comments sojourner.
As for the IL's - I have been meeting with a child psychiatrist to make sure our daughter is adjusting to the visitations okay. All is going well there - I was talking to the counselor about my inlaws today.
My inlaws tend to be manipulative (the apple didn't fall too far from the tree). They don't come in the house except during the day for the dog...right now, I think I will keep things "status quo"...if I try to change things or say I don't need them, they will think I am "lashing out" or something.
Just a few weeks ago - my father in law accused me of "bad mouthing" his son and their company (ex was prez of family business that he was fired from) - now his dad is running the company again and it isn't doing well. Interesting how they are blaming me for things their son has done to them and himself! When all the storm hit - they said they would support me and "go to court" for me if needed, now it seems the tides have turned again...
Never a dull moment in addiction and codependency, is there???
Yes, knife turning it was (the cologne comment and "I have never been better"!
I realized that as well - no wonder the pain set in! Thanks for your comments sojourner.As for the IL's - I have been meeting with a child psychiatrist to make sure our daughter is adjusting to the visitations okay. All is going well there - I was talking to the counselor about my inlaws today.
My inlaws tend to be manipulative (the apple didn't fall too far from the tree). They don't come in the house except during the day for the dog...right now, I think I will keep things "status quo"...if I try to change things or say I don't need them, they will think I am "lashing out" or something.
Just a few weeks ago - my father in law accused me of "bad mouthing" his son and their company (ex was prez of family business that he was fired from) - now his dad is running the company again and it isn't doing well. Interesting how they are blaming me for things their son has done to them and himself! When all the storm hit - they said they would support me and "go to court" for me if needed, now it seems the tides have turned again...
Never a dull moment in addiction and codependency, is there???
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
Be kind to yourself. You have years of this man saying and doing hurtful things and now all of a sudden he's happy and great?!!! That's a QUACK JOB.
Addicts will do anything for instant gratification. They want to fee
Good so they drink or use...they want an excuse to drink they pick a fight with you. They want to feel better about themselves so they knock you down and mess with your head. From my experience boundaries are key.
Clearly he's not fully embraced recovery otherwise he wouldn't be quacking.
I've gotta say that cologne comment is a high talent manipulative move. WOW.
Reminds me of EXAB running into the girl who I get facials from and telling her he needs to set up an appointment to get himself looking fresh again as "it's time to get back out there.". This after 4 white knuckling months of AA.
Wow was I hurt and pissed. What helped me moved past it is I wasn't going to give him tat power bad satisfaction of having his mean manipulative techniques work.
HUGS TO EVERYONE
Addicts will do anything for instant gratification. They want to fee
Good so they drink or use...they want an excuse to drink they pick a fight with you. They want to feel better about themselves so they knock you down and mess with your head. From my experience boundaries are key.
Clearly he's not fully embraced recovery otherwise he wouldn't be quacking.
I've gotta say that cologne comment is a high talent manipulative move. WOW.
Reminds me of EXAB running into the girl who I get facials from and telling her he needs to set up an appointment to get himself looking fresh again as "it's time to get back out there.". This after 4 white knuckling months of AA.
Wow was I hurt and pissed. What helped me moved past it is I wasn't going to give him tat power bad satisfaction of having his mean manipulative techniques work.
HUGS TO EVERYONE
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 159
So, once they get past this "I've found joy" yet continue to be manipulative stage, how long will it take to be in "play nice recovery" or is this a precursor to another relapse or fall in the future? I guess we won't know? That is the constant question I have, more for the stability of my daughter. This was my ex's 4th or 5th time in rehab. His bad "relapse" before this one was after his first marriage....
I know, I know...take it day by day and focus on my daughter and me, right???
I know, I know...take it day by day and focus on my daughter and me, right???
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
Its A New Day.....
Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. It sounds like he hasn't humbled himself in recovery yet.
Everyone always says that when they totally surrender and embrace recovery...there will be NO doubt in your mind.
I couldn't help but think...if I were sitting there listening...instead of you....
Thoughts would go thru my mind like:
**Listen to yourself...you are doing great and you are divorced YET AGAIN...and get to see your daughter 2x/week SUPERVISED.
**You LIVE in a SLE...you were fired from your dad's company and you lost your house, your wife, and the ability to see your child every single day.
**You screwed it up you schmuck and you still don't get it. And then you want to stab me with your pathetic "cologne" comment?
Until he totally surrenders and has the deepest level of humility.....HE AINT DONE.
Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. It sounds like he hasn't humbled himself in recovery yet.
Everyone always says that when they totally surrender and embrace recovery...there will be NO doubt in your mind.
I couldn't help but think...if I were sitting there listening...instead of you....
Thoughts would go thru my mind like:
**Listen to yourself...you are doing great and you are divorced YET AGAIN...and get to see your daughter 2x/week SUPERVISED.
**You LIVE in a SLE...you were fired from your dad's company and you lost your house, your wife, and the ability to see your child every single day.
**You screwed it up you schmuck and you still don't get it. And then you want to stab me with your pathetic "cologne" comment?
Until he totally surrenders and has the deepest level of humility.....HE AINT DONE.
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