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Need somewhere to turn...

Old 02-16-2012, 07:12 PM
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Need somewhere to turn...

Long story short, I am married to an addict. We have been together 13 years and have a young daughter. I know I shouldn't have married him, the writing was on the wall. But I see so many good things in him, I love him and love our family. He's a caring man who treats me well. Maybe I need to readjust my standards since addicts never treat anyone well, this I know. I left him 8 months ago and took our infant daughter 600 miles away secretly in the middle of the night. I have never done anything like that before, I needed to get help for me. Needless to say we reconciled and as of last week I found out he's using again. I'm trying to keep it together, trying to stay active with other things..our daughter, friends, family, etc. but I am just so hurt, so lonely. I don't know if I can take this heartache any longer. I haven't told my family he is using again, I'm just so embarrassed, feel so weak. I need someone to talk to.
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Old 02-16-2012, 07:55 PM
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(((13))) - Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what has brought you here.

You're not weak. If you read around the other threads in this forum, you'll find you're not alone. There are also some really good threads called "stickies" at the top of the forum..they're permanent but a really good place to start.

Though I never had kids, I've been where you are with loving someone who is an addict. This site has been a huge help to me in realizing *I* deserve more than an A (addict) has to offer. You do, too, and so does your daughter.

BTW, I'm also a recovering addict, I turned to drugs to deal with my A's behavior? I have loved ones who are A's and I'm finally realizing I don't have to accept their using.

A lot of A's are great people...except when they're not. Even people without addiction issues can be like that.

A book you may want to read is "codependent no more" - it's really good and I never even realized I WAS codependent (codie) until I read it over and over, then years later discovered this site.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 02-16-2012, 08:14 PM
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Thank you so much for your reply. Since my first post I have been reading the stickys, some really good info there, quite sobering for me. There is so much involved in my story, like everyone's. Im feeling very isolated tonight and angry that he's forcing my hand. Making me have to give up on my family, our history. Making me decide whether or not to leave OUR home, I really have no where to go. We have worked so hard for this good life we have and he can't choose us, such a selfish chit! I want him to choose us, and I know he can't. I have been a stay at home mom, so I am financially dependent on him as well. We both love our daughter very much and her whole little world will possibly be uprooted. Sometimes I think I should just stay and live my own lIfe, be cordial, but carry on because I don't feel I deserved to be uprooted because of his addiction. But I don't think I can live that way, I'm too hurt and I know it will ultimately hurt my daughter as she grows up. Im so lonely can't seem to keep the tears from my eyes, I need relief, I need help. I'm sorry for carrying on here this way, but I have to get it out. I'm really lost.
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Old 02-16-2012, 08:49 PM
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(((13))) - Thanks to the consequences of my addiction, I had to move back home (I'm 50!!). My mom is an A, my dad is enabler. Though I'm not as bad as I was (thanks to here), there are days it makes me crazy.

I learned about boundaries, I have backup plans on where to go when things get too bad, and I practically LIVE on SR when I'm not working or doing school work.

One of my boundaries I I'm not going to walk around on eggshells because of how someone else acts. I usually just get out of the house for a while, do a little car-dancing to feel-good music, and come back. I practically live in my small room.

It took me sooo long to get to this point, to accept that I can love someone, and at the same time, REALLY not like them.

This stuff takes time to absorb. Many people have been dependent on their A's, yet have found a way to get out when they were ready.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 02-17-2012, 07:51 AM
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People in active addiction are not competent to parent. The welfare of the infant child comes before the hopeful fantasy of family.
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Old 02-17-2012, 08:21 AM
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Hi 13,

Staying active can work for awhile, but eventually the "distraction" doesn't work anymore because your heart and the pain need attention and some space and time to heal. I understand not wanting to deal with the family broadcast...most people outside of a love relationship with an addict just don't get why one would stay.

Coming here is great. I have found that the "anonymity" that exists in the online group is much stronger than a face to face group. Here you will get cross talk and advice and it can be helpful or it can be confusing. Try to just listen to the similarities and accept/feel the support even if you can't follow advice. Getting yourself to a live meeting could add loads of living breathing hugging tear accepting smiling warm support!! This site is so awesome for an anytime check in, but having a live community where you find a meeting that feels right (often there is childcare as well!) that you develop a fellowship with and perhaps even get your own personal sponsor (such a luxury!!) will help you immensely.

Whatever direction you go with your life you will need loving kindness and support and, in the case of dealing with addiction and it's consequential pain, often family and normal friends are simply NOT equipped to help. wishing you the best and praying for your peace of mind, Leslie
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Old 02-17-2012, 09:45 AM
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We are not at the point in his relapse that his parenting skills are compromised, but we will be there in no time. He also (this time around) stays away from home when using because I will not allow him here and he is embarrassed. Also, I wouldn't leave her with him anyways right now, she's a privilege, not a right. I am going to be attending an alanon meeting Sunday, I hope to learn a lot. I'm not sure what I'm gonna do yet, but something's gotta give. I'm just trying to figure out how to live with him in the meantime. How to not be angry or how to not be nice, because he mistakes my kindness for compliance. It's hard. He is so far from his bottom it's scary for me, I can't wait anymore. Never been arrested, owns a very successful company, doing well financially. Last time he went off the deep end he was close to losing it all but somehow managed to pull it together last minute. I'm praying meetings can give me some focus, singular focus on me and teach me how to let go of worrying about our/his situation. Told my mom this morning what was going on.
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Old 02-17-2012, 03:22 PM
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I was married to an addict and was too young and naive to know it at the time. He also didn't do drugs at home - so that was one reason I didn't know about it. When I found some in the garage he laughed at me and called me 'stupid' for being upset saying he had been using for many years, long before we were married.

He would take weekend trips with his friends and later it got to the point that he wouldn't even bother to tell me he was going. He was very jealous and everytime he left me for someone else they used drugs with him too. I guess they were more fun than I was lol!!!

I grew up in poverty and we had a nice home, nice auto, and I knew I could not provide for my 2 children with my clerical job.

MY bottom was when he left me for a skank he had picked up hitch hicking. I was 4 months pregnant with complications and he left me. After the baby was born he wanted us to start over, but in no time he was back to staying out with his friends again. And I'm sure the skanks too!

I started to think about the marriage (I loved the person I had married very much):
1) I took the children to and from daycare, doc visits etc.
2) I did all of the house choirs, cooking, grocery shopping
3) I was the one staying at home with the children while he partied and took vacations with other women.
4) I was treated more like his mother than his wife

I was in counseling and it wasn't so good back then, no online forums, but I knew I could not continue with this life style. Then he was fired from his job for selling drugs form the company truck. He spent all of our savings and cashed in our insurance and partied full time. My checks were bouncing and I opened an account in my name and somehow he started taking money from my account. Our home was repossessed and I had 2 small children to raise and support.

When he found out I wanted a divorce he was more abusive than he had been before. I had to call the police many times - he told me he would kill me and I believe he would have.

Fate is amazing! He got into a bar fight with a group of bikers and rather than be killed he fled from Florida to Utah. I found this out when the police came looking for him - and that he was in Utah when he was put in jail there. They called me, he wanted to come home so we could ' work things out'. I very politely told the person calling 'thanks but no thanks'. It had been 2 peaceful years and there was no way in hell I was getting back together.

Then months later his mother, SIL, and sister show up on my doorstep with him. He loves me and wants to come back home. I told them in front of him that he was sleeping with whores and I was lucky I didn't catch a disease. He still tried moving back in and the last time they locked him up he called ME collect from the jail. No thanks, then I found out he had been living with another woman all this time and they were suppossed to be married. He had told her I was his sister and keeping his kids lol!!!!

My regret was staying with him when he continued to treat me like trash because I wanted my children to have a better life. My self esteem was at an all time low.

It was not easy but I have 2 master degrees now and retired with a good pension. After 20 years of being a single parent I met a wonderful man that treats me very well.

My marriage started out well and I didn't realize at the time he had a drug problem, and it only got worse. I'm not saying yours will, but take care of yourself and your baby.

Please start counseling ( the drama, lies, and manipulation that goes along with the drugs is so draining) and put some money into an account he doesn't know about. Get training for a job. My family was a little shocked because I was too embarrassed to tell people how he treated me. But as Amy said, you need to find a place to go in an emergency.

Blessing to you and yours!
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Old 02-17-2012, 03:33 PM
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Wow!! You have had a rough road, I'm really sorry. A lot of people think I should just tolerate whatever he does because he's a good provider, he has NEVER been verbally or physically abusive, never cheated with other women. But the lying I can't accept anymore, even though he's been lying to me on and off for 13 years. My trust in him is finally gone, I no longer believe he can permanently stop using, and I used to think so. But anymore I'm tired of being sick and tired and anxious and waiting on the other shoe to drop. I need peace of mind, I can't have that with him anymore. I know he loves me but he's an addict and I'm
Just know he will never truly choose us no matter how bad he wants to. He's a good person, anyone who knows him would tell you he is unselfish and giving. It sounds silly, But I've known a lot of addicts and he is unique, doesn't display most of the tell tale characteristics, but an addict all the same. I just want to be happy, to be peaceful, I don't I can do that with him, but I'm scared and now have a small child. We have spent all of our 20's together and now half of our 30's... I don't know why I can't make myself give up in this, but I'm afraid if I don't I'll be the one dead early.
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Old 02-17-2012, 03:36 PM
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I also wanted to add I have had a secret savings account for years, it wouldn't last me longer than a month in my own, but I continue to build it and it gives me small peace of mind.
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Old 02-17-2012, 03:52 PM
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I'm so sorry for your pain. I don't have words of wisdom right now, but just know that I care and pray you find peace for you and your daughter. ((hug))
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Old 02-17-2012, 04:44 PM
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Thank you so much for saying that.
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