Not ready to leave

Old 02-15-2012, 11:29 AM
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Not ready to leave

I first want to say that I am so thankful that I am a strong women, I know where to go for support, I can take care of myself, I have friends and family that love me and most importantly I have faith. My husband is an addict and is addicted to meth. When we met he fully disclosed that he was on probation and his entire drug history, he did not hold back and told me everything. I have some "book" knowledge of addiction and know that it is a disease. My now husband and I were together 3 years, while he was sober and I that is the person I got to know and fell in love with. He is an amazing guy and I believe that right now today, he is totally worth it. He has relapsed twice in the last 7 months and the first time was really hard for me, even though I had the so called knowledge, I didn't have the experience to deal with something like this and didn't know, or chose not to know, what was happening. He ended up in jail for 3 weeks and now 7 months later we are back in the same situation. Only this time it seems a little different. I immediately knew what was happening and because I had gone to some al-anon meetings, I knew how to handle the situation better this time. Although I did cry and have a really hard time, I didn't show anger and hostility, but set some pretty decent boundaries. He is looking at facing roughly 6 months of jail if he tests positive for probation. I am preparing myself for the worst and have things in place for when and if this happens. I know that this is something he needs to go through and only he can change his behaviors. My job is to work on myself and love him unconditionally but not enable him. I guess what I am trying to get at is that today I believe that my God has brought us together and has an amazing plan for our future and that is not something I am ready to give up on. I know it will be a long hard road and I will have so many struggles to deal with and have a lot of work to do on myself and he will have a lot of work to do on himself. I would really love to hear from some spouses who have chosen to stay with their addict. I read a lot about those who have chosen to leave but not too much from the ones who've stayed and are working on it. Are there any out there???
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Old 02-15-2012, 03:32 PM
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Hello doah777 and welcome to SR. I was actually glad to see your post cause you are right, you don't see or hear much about the spouses, GF, or BF that have chosen to stay with their addict. I am not a spouse, I am the fiance of an addict but I am one that has chosen to stay with him and work through it. My situation does differ from yours. You are further into it than I am. Let me share my story with you....

My fiance has been battling his addiction for 10 years. His DOC is opiates (vicodin, percocet and xanax) and he actually just recently made the choice to put himself in rehab. He's been in there for almost 2 months and he will be coming home next week. This is his first attempt at actually getting clean (he had gone a couple of weeks here and there without using but nothing beyond that) and so far things seem to be going well. He has really embraced his recovery and he seems very committed. The real challenge will come once he's home and I have been warned that there is a very high chance of relapse. So, I have thought about that and figured out my plan of action should that happen but it's not something that I am anticipating or dwelling on but I am not blind to it either. I have learned a lot about my codependency issues since he's been gone and I feel that I have come pretty far in last 2 months. I have established boundaries and he's been made aware of those and he knows how strongly I feel about maintaining my boundaries. I'm no longer blind to what his addiction can do to me and our family. We have a 18 month old son together and a baby girl due any day. I feel in my heart that our relationship is worth saving, that he is the one person I want to be with for the rest of my life. So, I am staying with him right now and I do hope that things do workout for us.

It sounds like you have already come to terms with the struggles that lay ahead and you have established your own boundaries which is good. And you know ways to love him without enabling him. It's really hard to say what the outcome will be but I do believe there are success stories out there of couples that have been able to have a happy and healthy relationship with an addict. I just think the most important thing is that both of you are working on your recovery every day. As long as you are doing that, you can have that relationship that you want with each other. I don't have any experience with the multiple relapses but I can understand you wanting to stay with him and support him. As long as he's doing what he needs to to stay clean and sober, then you should support him. I have heard that when an addict is having multiple relapses it because there's still something missing. There's something that they still have buried inside of them that they have not come to terms with yet and so it keeps setting them back. I'm not too sure how accurate that is though.

But I do have a friend that is 23 years sober (from alcohol) and he's been with his wife since they were teenagers and they are both in their 50's now. So, it does happen. Like I said, I'm still pretty new to all of this as is my fiance and it's all a matter of seeing how things go. I am praying for the best and preparing for the worst and I'm just going to take it one day at a time, that's all I can do for now. I know that I love him with all my heart and soul and I feel like our relationship is worth fighting for. And I do hope and pray for the best for you and your husband. You both are in my thoughts, good luck to you!
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Old 02-15-2012, 03:49 PM
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cynical one--- nope, no abuse, no children.
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Old 02-15-2012, 05:31 PM
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Cynical, I meant nothing by that. It wasn't meant to come out as a REQUIREMENT, I would never TELL someone what they should do. I was just stating the fact that if SHE felt it was the right thing to do then she should do it. I'm sorry my word selection wasn't acceptable to you. I'm just offering her some support and the fact that you went as far as to pick at my wording was completely unnecessary. And I am very well aware of the fact that the Xanax is a benzo, I just didn't think to specify that at the moment and I fully understand how it brings on a whole other element of behavior. I expressed that knowledge in another thread.
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Old 02-15-2012, 05:50 PM
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Originally Posted by doah777 View Post
My now husband and I were together 3 years, while he was sober and I that is the person I got to know and fell in love with.
You mention that while he was sober, he was a great person. How much of your time with him has he been sober? What is he like when he is using? He must not be such a great person then.

It sounds like you are banking a lot on his potential. From what you describe, he doesn't sound like somebody who is very serious about recovery.

I made the choice to stay with my RABF. I stayed there through a relapse, too. I am pretty sure that I would not have stayed with him longer if he hadn't started on his recovery. It's a really awful thing to have a front row seat to watching somebody destroy themselves with drugs.

I think that jail time would be a dealbreaker for me. I don't mean to offend anybody. It just doesn't sound like much of a relationship when the person can't be there for you.
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Old 02-15-2012, 08:34 PM
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I believe that it is true that God's Plan is always involved when two people come together, and what lessons each is supposed to learn and how the souls of each person are supposed to grow, is not always apparent to us.

But I do believe people are destined to meet and to affect each other's lives.

No one can know the reason this man is your husband. But certainly he has been destined to bring experiences to you that are part of a divine plan. That is my belief. It is also my belief that God will test you in this relationship. It is up to us how we face our tests.

Sometimes we go through periods when are lost in the wilderness. Other times we can see clear as day and feel strong and sure. We are ever-changing and we do not stay the same.

So my hope for you is that your love for this man propels you into a spiritual path that enhances your life. Addiction is a dark disease, it robs addicts of their souls and it breaks the minds and spirits of those who love them.

So I believe that the best choice for us is to work a 12-step program of spiritual growth. The 12 Steps will connect us with the divine in all of us and it will lead us, step by step, to a deeper understanding of who we are.

It takes time. It is not an instant solution. This is a country that likes instant answers, but working the 12 Steps takes time, patience, faith.

To be without a spiritual program of your own, the cunning, baffling, powerful disease--drug addiction in your loved one--could destroy the very best in you.

He needs a recovery program. You need one. Each of you needs to immerse yourselves in your independent recovery programs as if your lives were at stake. They are.

I hope you both survive and thrive.

Help is always available here and in any Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meeting for you.
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Old 02-16-2012, 11:39 AM
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Sounds like we started out in very similar wayÖ.

My Boyfriend and I met when he was not using; but he only had about 2 months clean. But to his credit, he told me that he had stopped but that he could fall back; and I really didnít have any experience with drugs, or addiction Ė so the part I really heard was that he had stopped. He was very honest with me also Ė he told me the details of his use; the people he had hurt; what he had done to his life. I donít think he left much out because there was not much to find redeeming in any of it. He also made me go to a meeting; I really donít know which group it was; he insisted I go; gave me an address and a time, and told me to do because he wanted me to understand. At that time it didnít particularly help me; might now, but Iíve yet to try it again.

Anyway, we took things slow, and became really good friends before actually falling in love with each other. Everything was great between us, and I truly feel like during this time I got to know the man he really is.
Unfortunately, after about 10 months clean; he had a one night relapse that put him into the hospital with an OD. Things got kinda crazy after that Ö. He was in the hospital for over a week because of some heart problems, his dad showed up and they hadnít seen each other in almost 2 yearsÖ. I was an emotional wreck for weeksÖ.during that time is when I came to the forum.

I told my story; most everyone here said I should leave him. Also, all my friends said I should leave him. At that time, I took every word that was said: how I didnít really know him, he had been using the whole time behind my back, he didnít love me; he was so sick he wasnít capable of love, probably had been stealing from me Ö whatever popped into their heads basically. The good thing that resulted from all this was that I spent time analyzing things between us; looked at myself; and I sorted it all out. All the answers were within me; as Iím sure all the answers that you need are really within you.

I chose to stay with him despite the relapse; because basically I had enjoyed every day that I spent with him prior to this; he had brought me nothing but happiness, and I felt confident that the person I got to know; was the person he truly is.
And I also chose to stay because I believed that he didnít want to use the drugs; Coke was his DOC - and I believed that he would continue to do whatever it took to remain clear.

You mention how you have a strong faith, and that you believe God has a plan and that you are supposed to be together. And now your married and you made a commitment Ė for better/ worse, sickness / healthÖ. So I understand that. I have a lot of respect for that.

I actually find it sort of amusing people question you faith, because I hear so many people struggling to give it up to their higher power so they can be set free. Im not knocking anyones program of recovery; but some seem to spend years never getting to the step where quite possibly your innate faith has already delivered you.

I get that, because I have a strong faith too. I wonít say that I am meant to be with the BF forever, I need more time to decide that; but I do feel that we were meant to find each other; and that we were meant to be together at this moment. I have faith that God is looking out for both of us; but realize we have to do our part.

Like you, I feel like Iím independent and strong; and that I can thrive standing by his side; even if he continues to struggle. I once said I wasnít afraid - got a lot of bad feedback for that. But itís true. Maybe I havenít seen enough to be afraid; quite possible. But still I think that even if things donít work out between us; I will be alright. I have a fairly well-rounded life; and Iím not letting any aspect of it slip away.

As I said before, I was really freaked out after he relapsed; filled with worry; oh what could I do to help him, etc. So one night, my boyfriend; in the most loving way, told me to: stop worrying, let him handle it, donít feel guilty, donít waste my time trying to unravel the puzzle of why, just treat him ďnormalĒ like I did before the relapse, expect of him normal things, and if he failed me, failed at being what I needed in our relationship, then I had to let him go.
So that is the plan I follow and it works for me.
Itís been almost 2 months since the night he ODíd; and we are doing great, and he seems fine now; but he is seeing a psychiatrist 2x a week, and to appease his dad he is taking blood test 2x weekÖ. (his dad lives in another state; and since he canít see BF too often; this actually does rid his dad of a lot of anxiety)
Anyway, still a long way to go.... I donít have a crystal ball; I canít see
the future but that is ok. Life is a journey, and itís based on faith and love.

I wish the best for you and your husband. He does have quite a battle ahead of him; especially if he faces jail time, but if he wants to find his way clear of the drugs , he will, in his time. Just continue to concentrate on making sure your life is full of things that bring you happiness and strengthen your soul.

And remember if the bad days with him, take over your lifeÖ. Then you have to let him go.
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Old 02-16-2012, 01:16 PM
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kelley...thank you so much for your story, you really hit it on head when you said you don't know if you are meant to be with your BF forever but need more time to decide. That is exactly how I feel. Right now in the time I am not ready to be done, but I can't guarantee that I won't get to that point. I cannot promise that we will stay married for ever if his behaviors continue and I have accepted that it may not last but right now I need more time to clear my head and sort through it and let him either prove me right or wrong, then I will move forward because although I love him so much, I love myself more.
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