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Having a Hard Time

Old 02-13-2012, 11:49 AM
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Having a Hard Time

When I read all the posts here, it drives home how similar everyone's stories are when it comes to dealing with a loved one's addiction. It also drives home how much in denial I was about my AXGF's addiction and behavior.

When she OD'ed last March, I was ready to leave her. My thinking at that time was if she wasn't committed to life, then she couldn't be committed to me. I was, by turns, scared, then angry...then relieved that she was still alive. I kept telling myself at that time to be thankful that she was alive, because it was really up in the air if she was going to make it.

It was based on that feeling that I stayed with her. In hindsight, it was a huge mistake. She may have not picked up, but her behavior was a lot worse when she wasn't using. I think of what I subjected myself to for 10 months after her OD...

I know now that she is incapable of love. I know now I was used and abused until she had no use for me anymore. And I'm asking myself every day, why did I stay? I'm not hurt she's gone. I'm hurt because I was so committed to her in every conceivable way, and she shoved it back in my face. I should have left her in March...but I didn't...I didn't follow my gut.

I just want to get this all behind me and be happy again.
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Old 02-13-2012, 01:01 PM
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Zoso....

Yestersay on another thread I commented on what a loss it was to your XGF because you had given her such a generous love ... and that most women would have appreciated it and reciprocated.

I hope my comment didnt set you off on negative thinking; how could I have been so generous of myself... and yet got nothing positive in return.

First off, during your whole relationship you had to be getting something you needed in return.... were there good times, or do you really think it was just your desire to 'save her' that drove you?

Second thing; just try to look at it as a growing experience. It wasnt really time lost if you learn from this relationship, and the result improves your overall life. She wasnt the 'one', but maybe this is what you needed to experience in order to prepare yourself for the 'right' relationship; the one that will last 'forever' and make you truly happy.

Yes I can say 'forever' because hey its almost Valentines Day and mushy stuff like that is totally acceptable. - lol


With my BF.... with all the relationships Ive had that failed.... this is the thinking Ive tried to maintain. So far.... its worked for me....least Im still Smiling.


Hugs,
Kel
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Old 02-13-2012, 01:27 PM
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Originally Posted by KelleyF View Post
Zoso....

Yestersay on another thread I commented on what a loss it was to your XGF because you had given her such a generous love ... and that most women would have appreciated it and reciprocated.

I hope my comment didnt set you off on negative thinking; how could I have been so generous of myself... and yet got nothing positive in return.

First off, during your whole relationship you had to be getting something you needed in return.... were there good times, or do you really think it was just your desire to 'save her' that drove you?

Second thing; just try to look at it as a growing experience. It wasnt really time lost if you learn from this relationship, and the result improves your overall life. She wasnt the 'one', but maybe this is what you needed to experience in order to prepare yourself for the 'right' relationship; the one that will last 'forever' and make you truly happy.

Yes I can say 'forever' because hey its almost Valentines Day and mushy stuff like that is totally acceptable. - lol


With my BF.... with all the relationships Ive had that failed.... this is the thinking Ive tried to maintain. So far.... its worked for me....least Im still Smiling.


Hugs,
Kel
When we met, she was as kind and as generous as anyone could possibly be. But she was using then, too. She didn't tell me about her history until a few months into it. And as time went on, that history expanded...and expanded...and expanded...

Percocet was her DoC. If that wasn't available, she'd drink vodka before going to work. When she's using, she's a different animal. But once she got clean, her uglies came out. That's when the Borderline Storm started to rage. So, I think I stayed in part because I was waiting for the person that I met and fell far to come back. Only that didn't happen. And it wasn't going to happen.

I honestly didn't know what I was dealing with. No clue. In hindsight, she's probably the ugliest person I've ever known, which is why I'm not unhappy that she's gone.

What I kick myself for is not having the courage to kick her loose last March. It would have been best for me, and I believe it would have been best for her, as well.

I think, after this experience, I want to be alone for a long, long time. The only people I'm not guarded around are my two closest friends. Everyone else, I'm keeping at arms length.
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Old 02-13-2012, 01:37 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
zoso, maybe it's the ONLY way that the lesson would have made sense to you...............
You are so, so wise. And insightful. Thank you.
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Old 02-13-2012, 03:34 PM
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A friend of mine was married to a Borderline for 15 years.

He described her as a vortex of chaos.

He told me typically Borderlines are very sweet, very seductive when they are reeling someone into their sphere.

Then the typical pattern is that in a year or two, the witch comes out.

He had two children with her. The children are quite troubled. She split them, as Borderlines can do, into the Good one and the Bad one.

She just about destroyed his life, and the only reason he stayed was because he was afraid she would get full custody of the children.

The marriage finally broke apart because she had an affair. She maybe had several, but this was the one he discovered.

Even after the divorce, whenever he is happy, whenever his life is stable and well, somehow she knows and she comes back in with her vortex of chaos. He never quite relaxes, about anything. She is living with a man now, but that does not prevent her from doing whatever she can to engage my friend in chaos.

Because she is the mother of his children, he expects this to continue for life.

I'm glad, Zoso, at least you did not marry her. She almost had you.
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Old 02-13-2012, 06:50 PM
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Zoso, I know this isn't quite the same but I was with someone for two years who was bipolar and not consistently treating with meds. The first few months were a fairy tale, I never thought I could be treated as well as I was with him. In hindsight, he did all the right things, all of what was needed to lure me in. Having only one serious long term relationship befoe this (married young, stayed together for years, parted as frends) and being as trusting as I am, we shared a bank account once we started living together. I also had money i na separate account but I was living on a high of being "in love" (or so I thought) and wanted to show him what others could not because, you see, he made himself out as the victim that no one understood him.

As time went on, I figured out he had a very enabling mother. And because of how slowly the cruelty of his illness (and his true nature) unfolded, I was in deep before realized just how bad the situation was. I remember the moment, where I was even, that I had the resignation thinking "this must be the life God wants me to live, being a caretaker." i was for my parents, I was certainly not happy at that moment, but didn't even see there was another option (leaving). that's how bad the co-dependency got.

anyway, my point is, you took a chance, several in fact, with this person, did everything you could and then some, and you got burned, terribly in fact. It is so so hard to imagine anyone could be so cruel especially when you gave everything you did. I truly think that people such as your ex and mine's evilness is fueled by the giving nature of others. Their lives are out of control in every other way so the only control they can have is by making the other person sink so low, that they can manipulate in every way.

Everyone is different and you can't force relationships. It took me a long time to get over that relationship, or rather, the humiliation, the embarrassment and shame I felt and I wil never let my guard down again in the way of sharing accounts and other trusting-too-fast actions. I imagine it is going to be very difficult for you to forget the pain but what you can do is not focus so much on "I can't think about dating right now" and change it to "one day it would be nice to believe in someone again". If you read another post of mine in another thread, you'll know I'm talking about that positive energy stuff, lol. Even if you don't believein that, just shifting your thought process in just a slightly different way, even if it's changing how you word what you feel, can make a big difference over time.

Nothing will ever change what happened but you can make changes for a happier future and you most certainly deserve it!
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Old 02-14-2012, 08:50 AM
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((Zoso))

My thoughts are healing is a process ~ some days we feel like we have "got this" and we are doing well; then some days the grief, pain, sadness, shame, regret and reality of all we endured can overwhelm us ~ those are the tough days.

I stayed in an unhealthy, unsafe, insane marriage for over 17 years ~ I ALLOWED great pain, emotional and mental damage not only to myself but also to my daughters ~ somedays I don't know that I can ever get past that guilt, shame and regret.

Then the next day I am reminded of the past 7 & 1/2 years of things I have done to change my life, my behaviors, my patterns and to show them another way ~ They are all adults now ~ it is their choice to decide which is the life they want ~ I have made verbal and living amends - it's time to forgive myself and move on ~ again!

I believe the things you are posting shows you are healing and recovering ~ Progress not Perfection ~ One Day at a Time thru the process ~ give yourself time to heal!

Keep taking good care of YOU!!

PINK HUGS!
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Old 02-14-2012, 09:43 AM
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Zoso: When I read the "Brain Chemistry of a Loved One", it really hit home and helped me understand myself a lot better, how I had become immune to fearful situations, etc, with my AS. However, along my journey, I happened to find a best friend. We were friends for about 2 years. I hadn't had a "best friend" in so many years, and it was so fun at first. But... (as I ask myself, am I a magnet for dysfunctional people?)... come to find out, she was BPD! When she was drinking, she was the most fun, witty, caring, life of the party. Problem was, she was always drinking. Alcohol was her DOC, but she hid it pretty well, functioned well. I was already dealing with chaos from my AS, and eventually, after about a year or so, chaos started with her. For me, I learned that there is nothing more frightening (to me) than a Borderline!!! Seems like they want to possess your very soul! (shudder) In hindsight, I see that the relationship was not a friendship at all, I was being manipulated yet again, but it was a learning experience and I'll be sure to recognize it (I hope) if I encounter another Borderline, so I can run for the hills!
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Old 02-14-2012, 10:06 AM
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Originally Posted by KuanYin View Post
Zoso: When I read the "Brain Chemistry of a Loved One", it really hit home and helped me understand myself a lot better, how I had become immune to fearful situations, etc, with my AS. However, along my journey, I happened to find a best friend. We were friends for about 2 years. I hadn't had a "best friend" in so many years, and it was so fun at first. But... (as I ask myself, am I a magnet for dysfunctional people?)... come to find out, she was BPD! When she was drinking, she was the most fun, witty, caring, life of the party. Problem was, she was always drinking. Alcohol was her DOC, but she hid it pretty well, functioned well. I was already dealing with chaos from my AS, and eventually, after about a year or so, chaos started with her. For me, I learned that there is nothing more frightening (to me) than a Borderline!!! Seems like they want to possess your very soul! (shudder) In hindsight, I see that the relationship was not a friendship at all, I was being manipulated yet again, but it was a learning experience and I'll be sure to recognize it (I hope) if I encounter another Borderline, so I can run for the hills!
Oh, I can smell Borderlines now. I can smell them coming a mile away. I really think the BPD stuff and the addiction stuff overlapped with her, so much so they were one and the same.

What I try to do every day is remember she's sick. That way, my anger is mostly kept in check. And then before I go to bed, I ask God to protect her and keep her safe. Doing this isn't about her. It's about me and healing myself. But, I have to admit that after this experience, I'm totally drained.

I used to believe that in times of crisis and trouble, we do our best to be there for each other. Maybe that's still true. But although I was there for her, at the end of the day that didn't (and never did) matter to her. She still reserved the ugliest of her behavior for me. I'll never understand how people like her can do that to those that try to love and support them. Sometimes the "she's sick" explanation doesn't cut it.

Thank you for your comments.

ZoSo
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Old 02-14-2012, 10:41 AM
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Originally Posted by zoso77 View Post
Oh, I can smell Borderlines now. I can smell them coming a mile away. I really think the BPD stuff and the addiction stuff overlapped with her, so much so they were one and the same.

What I try to do every day is remember she's sick. That way, my anger is mostly kept in check. And then before I go to bed, I ask God to protect her and keep her safe. Doing this isn't about her. It's about me and healing myself. But, I have to admit that after this experience, I'm totally drained.

I used to believe that in times of crisis and trouble, we do our best to be there for each other. Maybe that's still true. But although I was there for her, at the end of the day that didn't (and never did) matter to her. She still reserved the ugliest of her behavior for me. I'll never understand how people like her can do that to those that try to love and support them. Sometimes the "she's sick" explanation doesn't cut it.

Thank you for your comments.

ZoSo
I just nod to everything you wrote. BPD and addiction...between the 2 I'd take a addict any day of the week. Yet, I know there are people that do not do those kind of things. I struggle in one area of my life and that is to not fear mental illness and to not put everyone in the same box. If I need reminding that there are plenty of people that do everything in their power to help themselves, I just go over to the MI Forum and read for a few minutes. My fight or flight, panic, horrible memories calm down some.

Even now, with all the answers I could possibly hope to have, the "she's sick" still doesn't cut it with me either. It's horrible stuff.
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Old 02-14-2012, 11:48 AM
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My clinician told me a long time ago that when an addict first cleans up, they feel like they're in a war zone without amour. It's frightening and scary. And I was willing to ride that out with her. Unfortunately, the addiction and the BPD were intertwined.

I felt empathy for her because I have a mood disorder. It's taken a lot of work over the years to learn how to be a responsible adult and to take care of myself. And one of the biggest takeaways from my own experience is we have to own up to what we do. To ourselves, and to others when we injure them.

Unfortunately, I learned that BPD isn't like a mood disorder. The Borderline is always in a state of chaos. Can they get better? Sure. But they have to commit to it. In her case, she hasn't. The cognitive distortions, the shirking of responsibility, the splitting, and the manipulation and abuse (especially gaslighting) is all there in spades.

So, yes. She's sick. But I knew that. The evidence was in. And yet I chose to stay in part because I felt leaving her while she was at her lowest sent a poor message: I only want to be with you when you're well. None of us are well all the time.

And my choices burned me. My responsibility.
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Old 02-14-2012, 10:36 PM
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OHHH, I'm having PTSD Flashbacks from the gaslighting! God, it does help to know we are not alone!
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