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In law enabling behavior

Old 02-11-2012, 11:51 AM
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In law enabling behavior

I am intending on going to my first nar-anon meeting on Monday, but from what I've read here, my AH needs to be able to hot rock bottom and find his own way.

My in laws have brought him pills and money to buy pills for him. They've brought him to the hospital when he's overdosing and cushioning his fall. How can I live with myself, seeing my husband and marriage destroyed by his addiction and their enabling behavior?

I know I am probably part of the problem too, as I've also brought him to the hospital when he's overdosed, and he had access to our wedding money that I didn't protect well enough.

How can I deal with the anger towards my husband and in laws?
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Old 02-11-2012, 12:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Loneywife View Post
I know I am probably part of the problem too, as I've also brought him to the hospital when he's overdosed, and he had access to our wedding money that I didn't protect well enough.
IMO taking him to the hodpital when he overdosed is NOT enabling - he could die of an overdose! and did you know that he was going to steal your wedding money?? Don't be so hard on yourself! You did not give him the drugs or your wedding money. My son stole from me so much that I had to start leaving my money at work.

BUT, the parents giving him pills and money is enabling!! The guilt of 'what did we do to make him this way' is so painful.

It's hard for parents to see their child suffer and they may not realize that they are doing more harm than good. It took me a long time to see that 'saving' my son was stopping him from bottoming out, if he ever does. His life, his choices!

His girlfriend (only met once) was also telling me how bad of a mother I was for not helping him, leaving me nasty messages and emails, I finally had to call the police to stop the harrassment. Then I found out she has threatened some of his female friends. Now she is in detox so that explains a lot.

Some of my family would be having a fit because I was not 'rescuing' my 33yo son. I may never see him again and I have to face that reality, but I can't help him and I have to face that reality too. I still hope that this is bottom for him.

Today is especially hard for me, he is homeless (as far as I know), no money, no job, no friends ( she has cut off all ties he has with friends and much of his family, his fault too but still sad) and this weekend is really cold. It really messess with your heart!

This online book is written by a psychotherapist, the one parent in the world we WOULD think could help their AS! She gives you an insite into the parents view. She also has excellent advice to help us work through the guilt to relaize we can not help them, they must help themsleves. We are powerless to make them change.

It is a very good decision for you to seek help, I wish there had been as much help out there when mine started more than 20 years ago.

Have a good weekend you deserve it.
Letting go of our adult children—Book introduction
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Old 02-11-2012, 12:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Loneywife View Post
How can I deal with the anger towards my husband and in laws?
By accepting that you are powerless over them. By accepting that I was powerless over my daughter's addiction, I eventually regained my personal power

You've made a good decision to attend your first meeting; you'll find others who also struggle with letting go and some who have found their way. If for whatever reason your first meeting doesn't feel like a good fit for you, please check around for other meetings including Alanon.
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Old 02-11-2012, 01:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Loneywife View Post
How can I deal with the anger towards my husband and in laws?
This i really identify with and wish i had some advice...i've been having a really hard time with this lately since behavior here has escalated to stealing. I do spend time trying to identify what underlies the anger and spend time with that, but like i said, it's been really challenging lately. Counseling is really helpful and the meetings i get to go through particularly through her treatment center is great for acknowledging and educating me on my own responses.
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Old 02-11-2012, 01:42 PM
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March 23rd in the LANGUAGE OF LETTING GO by Melody Beattie...

setting boundaries and getting flake from friends and family members....this is going to be normal also with change...take a stand, and get a back bone, and there is nothing wrong with STOPPING the merry -go-round
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Old 02-11-2012, 02:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Loneywife View Post
I am intending on going to my first nar-anon meeting on Monday, but from what I've read here, my AH needs to be able to hot rock bottom and find his own way.

My in laws have brought him pills and money to buy pills for him. They've brought him to the hospital when he's overdosing and cushioning his fall. How can I live with myself, seeing my husband and marriage destroyed by his addiction and their enabling behavior?

I know I am probably part of the problem too, as I've also brought him to the hospital when he's overdosed, and he had access to our wedding money that I didn't protect well enough.

How can I deal with the anger towards my husband and in laws?
You are in a tough situation. If it were me, I'd take half the "wedding money",
and hide all my jewelry plus valuable's. There is no reason for you to suffer because of his using. Do not enable him in any way. Next time call the EMT's to come get him. As far as the inlaws go, just do your best to keep them out of your home. Good luck
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Old 02-11-2012, 02:52 PM
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Thank you all for your advice and support.

I was away during the day, and my in laws stopped by while I was out. Last night I think he was having a seizure, but this afternoon when I got home he was having a really bad seizure. I called EMT's and they just picked him up. I decided that I can't emotionally handle going back to the hospital with him again.


Gosh, I wish Monday was already here (my meeting day).
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Old 02-11-2012, 02:57 PM
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Originally Posted by neferkamichael View Post
You are in a tough situation. If it were me, I'd take half the "wedding money",
and hide all my jewelry plus valuable's. There is no reason for you to suffer because of his using. Do not enable him in any way. Next time call the EMT's to come get him. As far as the inlaws go, just do your best to keep them out of your home. Good luck

Thank you so much for your advice!

Unfortunately he has already spent nearly all our wedding money in a month and a half (found out this morning).

He has a wire in process to replace about half of it, which I am transferring to my personal savings account as soon as it clears.

All my valuables are in a fingerprint safe (that I only have access to) in our house.
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Old 02-11-2012, 03:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Loneywife View Post
I decided that I can't emotionally handle going back to the hospital with him again.
Not only did you honor your own truth today, you also regained some personal power
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Old 02-11-2012, 04:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Chino View Post
Not only did you honor your own truth today, you also regained some personal power
Thank you so much for your support! Things can get better in my own mind.
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Old 02-11-2012, 04:57 PM
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(((LW))) - I'm an RA, but I've been a codie since birth, I think. My dad never showed codie tendencies until after several years with my stepmom- both an A and a raging codie (ACOA, her first husband was an alcoholic, she has no desire to change).

I live with them, thanks to the consequences of my own addiction. I used to go CRAZY with my dad's actions. He'd find her passed out, scream that he was going to call all her doctors and tell them about each other, tell them she was passed out on to the floor, told ME (the RA?) to take her meds....then hours later he'd say "but she's in pain, she NEEDS her medicines".

After spending a gazillion hours on here, I told HER: "you pass out, I will make sure you are breathing and have a pulse (I used to be an RN), and if you are, I will leave you where you lay". To HIM: "I highly suggest you go to al-anon, I will not get in the middle of this mess any more - you do what you need to do".

She's gotten better, but I did slip recently...she was displaying "old behaviors" and I knew she'd just gotten a refill of her pain meds. I told her "let me see the bottle and count them" and she raised all KINDS of hell. Dad said "give_her_the_bottle". Yep, I already knew it but she had taken 17 pills in 2 days.

She denied, said they'd fallen out in her purse, she hadn't taken all those, yada, yada, yada. I just said "whatever, your actions are speaking so loud I can't hear your words" and dad admitted that he'd watched me count the pills, he knew she was lying.

Did it change anything? Nope, though she's apparently not taking as many as she was. Thing is, I remembered I don't LIKE being the "pill police" and I can talk until I'm blue in the face, they aren't going to change unless they want to.

I've learned to repeat "NMP - not my problem" over and over. She MAY OD, if I'm here, I'll do CPR and call 911. In all honesty, *I* should be dead..darned near came close more than a few times when I was using.

I totally understand, but the anger will eat you up alive (been there, done that). What's worked for me is finally accepting that I can't change anyone but myself.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 02-11-2012, 06:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Impurrfect View Post
(((LW))) - I'm an RA, but I've been a codie since birth, I think. My dad never showed codie tendencies until after several years with my stepmom- both an A and a raging codie (ACOA, her first husband was an alcoholic, she has no desire to change).

I live with them, thanks to the consequences of my own addiction. I used to go CRAZY with my dad's actions. He'd find her passed out, scream that he was going to call all her doctors and tell them about each other, tell them she was passed out on to the floor, told ME (the RA?) to take her meds....then hours later he'd say "but she's in pain, she NEEDS her medicines".

After spending a gazillion hours on here, I told HER: "you pass out, I will make sure you are breathing and have a pulse (I used to be an RN), and if you are, I will leave you where you lay". To HIM: "I highly suggest you go to al-anon, I will not get in the middle of this mess any more - you do what you need to do".

She's gotten better, but I did slip recently...she was displaying "old behaviors" and I knew she'd just gotten a refill of her pain meds. I told her "let me see the bottle and count them" and she raised all KINDS of hell. Dad said "give_her_the_bottle". Yep, I already knew it but she had taken 17 pills in 2 days.

She denied, said they'd fallen out in her purse, she hadn't taken all those, yada, yada, yada. I just said "whatever, your actions are speaking so loud I can't hear your words" and dad admitted that he'd watched me count the pills, he knew she was lying.

Did it change anything? Nope, though she's apparently not taking as many as she was. Thing is, I remembered I don't LIKE being the "pill police" and I can talk until I'm blue in the face, they aren't going to change unless they want to.

I've learned to repeat "NMP - not my problem" over and over. She MAY OD, if I'm here, I'll do CPR and call 911. In all honesty, *I* should be dead..darned near came close more than a few times when I was using.

I totally understand, but the anger will eat you up alive (been there, done that). What's worked for me is finally accepting that I can't change anyone but myself.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
Thanks for your advice.

I can totally relate to being the pill police. After he went to the hospital tonight, I picked up a few stray cans on the floor and found a baggie full of soma, a muscle relaxer.

He has asked me many times to dispense, count and hold onto his pills. It's so not working for me to do that. He'll just start rummaging or demanding pills from me and it drives me crazy.
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Old 02-11-2012, 07:15 PM
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@Chino...i so agree with "gaining the personal control back"....we all slowly in our own real life experiences have done that.....i just keep remembering step one...thanks for that quote....
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Old 02-14-2012, 10:38 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
that's so much drama/trauma in the VERY short course of your marriage......i'm not sure how long you knew him prior to getting married, but is it possible this was just a bad decision?
I needed a few days to process this post.

Maybe it was a bad decision to marry him. I knew him for a few years before we got married, and it seemed that my in laws were on my side regarding my husband's addiction.

I definitely didn't realize their over involvement and control would be even worse and detrimental to our marriage once we tied the knot.
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Old 02-14-2012, 07:11 PM
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Btw, I did go to the meeting yesterday. Very informative and I look forward to seeing them again soon. They gave me hope in my situation.
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Old 02-14-2012, 08:39 PM
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LW

I am so glad you enjoyed the meeting and plan on going back.
Please keep going to meetings and getting more knowledge.
You can do this.

Beth
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Old 02-16-2012, 06:19 PM
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Thank you
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Old 03-28-2012, 11:10 PM
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I can not tell you how much I can totally empathize with your situation. My AH was in jail for felony theft because of his addiction. One week away from his rehab my inlaws bond him out under my nose and now I dont even know where he is and havent heard from him. I am at a loss.
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Old 03-29-2012, 03:52 PM
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Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
by getting into recovery and working the program you wish both they and he would.
yes! Yes!
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