AXGF Won't Leave Me Alone
 

My AXGF is still pulling stunts, 4 weeks after she left. As this is a public forum, I won't get into details, but it's pretty hateful.

One of my buddies has been staying with me for the past few weeks. And when he got wind of what she did, he got extremely upset. As was I, for a few moments. But we went to the bar at one of our local restaurants, and we started talking it out. I used the quote about how having hate in your heart is the lowest form of misery...and the more I thought about that, the quicker I calmed down.

Having a dual diagnosis must be awful. I don't see how anyone in recovery can do the things my AXGF has done and be at peace. How can anyone be at peace when you're intentionally trying to hurt someone? Thank God I'm not her, and I told my buddy to be thankful he's not her, too.

I've had issues with anger. My temper, when you stroke me the wrong way, can be pretty brutal. But since being in Al Anon, I've learned how to dial it way, way back. Six months ago if my AXGF pulled this, I would have opened fire. Today, I won't. What's the point? Feeding hate, feeding anger...how does that help me recover? Simple: it doesn't. It doesn't mean I don't get angry. What it means is I don't act out.

I feel sorry for my AXGF now. I'm pretty convinced that she'll never change. And thankfully, she's no longer my problem.

I had the same problem with my son's 37 yo girlfriend. We live in another state and they have been toegether 2 years and I have met her one time. I saw red flags the entire weekend.
Sure enough they have a fight and she started in on me, nasty messages, nasty emails.
Son's sister has never met her and when I refuse to be dragged to her level GF started nasty hateful messages with her. She was in tears.
I finally called the police and they told her NO contact what so ever, and that worked.
I found out this week that GF has called all of his female friends and threatened them. GF told my son that THEY called her and he had words with them.
I told him the truth, I know he already knew the truth!
IMO they are hurting, and want everyone else to feel as bad as they do.
I am at the point in my life where I do not care to 'get even', but I will not tolerate being harassed.
I have never liked drama and now I like it even less. Life is too short to be spending all of your time thinking of ways to get even. Also, their version of events is distorted so if she keeps harassing you, it may escalate, let her know that you will not tolerate it (if it gets bad enough) and keep your word.
I went through this many years before when I was divorcing an alcoholic and it is amazing the lengths they will go just to make your life as miserable as theirs is.:gaah

Oh, you're dead on there.

What I want is to be left alone, so that I can not only heal but to reclaim my life as it was before her. Whatever she does, so long as it doesn't involve me, isn't my concern anymore.

Just want to heal.

If she is still using she will probably try to steal from you, beacuse she feels you are a 'safe' target and will not call the police.

Be prepared!!!

Have a blessed day, you are a strong person and it sounds like you are in a good place.

You (we) all deserve better!

Glad you are staying away, Zoso.

Sometimes the program can make people too soft. We don't have to forgive everybody and we don't have to just see them as "hurting" when they do vicious, calculated things.

Casey Anthony was lethal. The man who just burned up his children this week was lethal. There are dangerous evil people in the world and when they get vicious, in my opinion, all of our kind understanding of their "woundedness" sets us and others up for total destruction.

So keep listening to your gut.

Hate so much that you are going thru this ~ it is painful ~

I have a wise older brother that says "There is always plenty of room on the High Road"

(High road as in not responding - not as in "getting messed up HIGH" ~ just wanted to make that clear)

I hope that she stops soon ~ that you don't have to go as far as involving the authorities in this situation ~ but remember even tho you are choosing not to respond ~ it is ok to do whatever you have to do to protect yourself and your well-being.

PINK HUGS!
Rita

You know what, though? It's not ripping me open, Rita. There's a near constant awareness that she's sick. And people with BPD will often act out, try to provoke, and try to make you feel what they feel. For the longest time, she used to numb her feelings. And now that she's (supposedly) clean, she's unable to self-regulate her moods and/or feelings.

Fortunately, I've learned how to and can self-regulate. So that's what I choose to do.

One of my buddies has been staying with me. The agreement we have is if she pulls anything, he's going to deal with her and not me. Right now, although I'm healing, I'm still raw, and I can't be drawn into a confrontation without it injuring me. I just want to heal, continue to live my life, and go forward.

I know.

I guess, although not I'm angry, I'm hurt. See, it's not enough for her to end our relationship. She needs to be a sadist.

The last thing I texted her, the day she dropped the bomb, was Goodbye. God Bless. And since then, I've blocked her number, deleted her contact information, blocked her on Skype, Google chat, deleted any and all contact that have to do with her, etc.

I have the right to my own happiness. I have the right to my own recovery. She does not have the right to emotionally abuse me. I just want her to go away so that I can live my life. I don't want anything bad to happen to her. I just want peace.

I feel for you, Zoso. I had the same problem with my BPD ex-friend, and she did not hesitate to get others involved (her mother, our mutual friends, etc). I cut contact with anyone who didn't understand that the way she treated me was abusive, and anyone who believed her ******** wasn't woth having in my life anyway. There were a few people who saw through her facade for the bully she was, and they are still in my life today. It took a few months for her to stop harassing me, but once she realized I wasn't going to feed into her drama, it did stop. Here's a perfect illustration of her manipulation; about 6 months after going no contact, by pure chance she found out through an old high school friend of ours that I had just broken up with my boyfriend. She immediately sent me a text about how she missed me. No apology for her behavior (and it was bad), I remember laughing because after distance and therapy, her manipulation tactics were just so transparent. I deleted the text, and haven't heard from her since.

Stay strong, it may get way worse before it gets better, especially once she realizes she no longer has a hold over you (that whole black and white thinking). One of the books about BPD I read was called I Love You, I Hate You, Don't Leave Me. Man, does that sum it up. Now that she realizes you're really leaving, she is probably panicking and will go to desperate measures to get your attention, even if it's negative attention. I am glad you are able to see it for what it is and respond in a healthy manner. Keep it up, the view from the other side is amazing. It feels so nice to not walk on eggshells all the time, I can finally BREATHE. I hope you feel that way soon.

I am confused on how this last "stunt" of hers became known to you if you have blocked all lines of communication?

English Garden, Thanks for your wisdom on forgiveness.

Forgiveness has been really a tough one for me, because my nature is to forgive so I can let people be who they are. This easily can turn one into a doormat, though! After extricating myself from an XABF, he kept coming back and trying to get me back saying what he did "would never happen again." I believe that people really can get better, so it can be so hard to see through the words, manipulation, and our own forgiving nature. I have tried NC unsuccessfully, then tried friendship, which was unrealistic. I find friendship with an Ex you have some issues with to be like attempting "moderation" in drinking. It's torture and doesn't work!! My gut is telling me to try to forgive what I can (without forgetting viciousness) and that no contact is probably the only solution. He ha no interest in not drinking (he is still in "moderation" mode). Sigh.

Flower,
In "Codependent No More", Beattie says that if detaching "with love" isn't possible, it is better to detach with anger than not to detach at all, when involved with a chaotic, hurtful person (and addicts are always chaotic and they always hurt the people in their lives). So don't worry....NC is the right way to go if he is a danger to your mental and emotional well-being.

And actually, not all people can get well. Some people have hard-wired personality disorders which are resistant to treatment. Many of these people are also addicts, so people mistakenly think that if any addict goes through recovery, surely he or she will get better, be well. But this is not so for those with psychological disorders resistant to treatment.

They get sober and they are still mentally ill. And dangerous to those who want to have a relationship with them.

I'm not at all suggesting your exabf has any sort of hard-wired disorder. Just want to offer that feedback. We all need to watch our backs and not be deceived, because there are people in the world who really want to destroy. And will, given the opportunity.

In Al-Anon I wish there was greater emphasis on caution, rather than "unconditional love." In the meetings the opening conveys the idea that one is in a perfectly safe place with completely trustworthy people. This is not what codependents need, in my opinion. For me, it was blind trust that got me into that room in the first place!

I am learning to wait and see whether someone I meet for the first time is trustworthy. And that includes anyone sitting in a recovery room.

Wishing you good clear decisions to protect you.

My AXGF is a severe Borderline Personality. Like, as severe as one can possibly be. There is no hope for her getting better. It wasn't just the addiction I was dealing with for over a year. It was the BPD. The relationship had to take its course in terms of the splitting. At the end, she went from wanting to marry me, to 10 days later dumping me, via text and a picture with her and the new guy. Idealization into denigration. And, according to my clinician, a healthy dose of projection.

I won't talk about what she did within this thread. It was hateful, vicious, mean...just awful. I'll answer questions via private message.

There is no love for her in my heart whatsoever. I've gone from "detaching with love" in terms of her dealing with her addictions and me keeping my sanity, to nothing. It's only now I can see what I've been subjected to: full blown emotional abuse, particularly gaslighting at the end.

My anger is under control. The hurt is a different story. I'm not emotionally equipped to deal with that sort of abuse. I sometimes ask myself why did she do it? Why, after I stood by her through 2 detoxes, an overdose that nearly killed her, and countless suicidal threats, does she feel it necessary to injure me to that extent? If she wants to end the relationship, why not simply end it? Instead, she said she had no grace or dignity with me and threw in my face she boinked two other men. :rotfxko

I'm so fortunate that I have a lot of people in my life, in my professional relationships, academic relationships, and long time friends, that care for me. If I were that bad of a guy, I don't think those people would be sticking around.

This is a long reply, I know. I've learned a very, very hard lesson.

When you're dealing with BPD/addiction, don't be surprised if your loved one turns on you at the end. It's the nature of the illness. It doesn't matter what you've done for them, or how much you love them. They can, and often will, turn on you.

Zoso, I feel for you with the dual diagnosis. I was in a relationship with someone who was bipolar as well as having PTSD from a childhood trauma. The relationship started off almost perfect which should have been a flag but I thought it was two people hitting it off great. That was my first and only other time of being co-dependent but, looking back, much much worse. I thought I was going to be different, learn everything I could about the disease, even diagnose his PTSD, lol. Boy, what a mess i was. He stripped me of so much, all the nasty things he said to me, I didn't know a person could be so cruel until I met him.

My point is, I know how hard it is to deal with multiple issues and it really messes with your whole being. I can only hope you can find love in your heart again with someone who deserves you. It's out there, you just have to believe again.

((hugs))