Time to Let Go
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Time to Let Go
It's been a long time since I last posted. My 28 year old son attended a 30 day rehab and then moved back home with my husband and me last July. From the get go he "decided" meetings were something he didn't need any longer. Red flag if ever there was one. He relapsed last week.
Many people advised me against his moving in with us but we wanted to help him and felt sorry for him. Seven months it's been and I must say that all the advice given was valid and accurate. He blames his inability to work and be a contributing member of our family to insurmountable anxiety. Tonight I told him I'd had enough.
I don't know what the future holds, but it is time to let go of him and let God deal with his recovery. It is time to set forth boundaries (better late than never). He is an adult and it's time we recognized that fact. We do not owe him any "help" which as it turns out was no "help" at all. Had he worked a program and made an effort to pull his own weight rather than blaming his situation on anxiety perhaps I would feel differently today. But had he done that, he probably would have moved out on his own long before now.
I'm tired, my husband is tired, and our son should be well rested considering he lays around our house all day and night talking on the phone. Time for a change.
Many people advised me against his moving in with us but we wanted to help him and felt sorry for him. Seven months it's been and I must say that all the advice given was valid and accurate. He blames his inability to work and be a contributing member of our family to insurmountable anxiety. Tonight I told him I'd had enough.
I don't know what the future holds, but it is time to let go of him and let God deal with his recovery. It is time to set forth boundaries (better late than never). He is an adult and it's time we recognized that fact. We do not owe him any "help" which as it turns out was no "help" at all. Had he worked a program and made an effort to pull his own weight rather than blaming his situation on anxiety perhaps I would feel differently today. But had he done that, he probably would have moved out on his own long before now.
I'm tired, my husband is tired, and our son should be well rested considering he lays around our house all day and night talking on the phone. Time for a change.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I'm so sorry this has turned out this way. We do what we feel is best at the time. It's what we do as parents. Sometimes it works out but more ofte than not, it doesn't.
Your family will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
Your family will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Indiana
Posts: 19
"I don't know what the future holds, but it is time to let go of him and let God deal with his recovery. It is time to set forth boundaries (better late than never). He is an adult and it's time we recognized that fact. We do not owe him any "help" which as it turns out was no "help" at all."
Thank you kmangel. I've been reading but not posting - then I saw yours. I think we hit the same spot at nearly the same time last night. My son is 29 and very devoted to his addiction. After 15 years, I'm finally over it. Good luck to you and your husband and thank you for sharing this.
Thank you kmangel. I've been reading but not posting - then I saw yours. I think we hit the same spot at nearly the same time last night. My son is 29 and very devoted to his addiction. After 15 years, I'm finally over it. Good luck to you and your husband and thank you for sharing this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Kmangel, it's good to see you posting again, though I am sorry for the current circumstances you find yourself in.
They say when the student is ready, the teacher will appear.
The month that I took my AD in for eight years ago was a complete disaster. I was totally unprepared for what I was letting in my house. The repercussions of that decision were felt for a long time.
She called me recently after burning all her bridges, crying that she was going to be homeless. She's in a lot of legal trouble right now and has sentencing next month.
After much thought and talking with my therapist, I decided to let her come back, temporarily, with strong boundaries in place.
She does all the chores around the house including cleaning, cooking, and laundry. She is now working with two job specialists to find her part-time employment (she's a convicted felon now which makes it difficult). She's checking on low income housing.
One foot over my boundaries and she is fully aware she will be out the door immediately. That is exactly what I did last time, only things were completely out of control by the time I kicked her out. That will not happen this time.
I have eight more years recovery under my belt now, both in alcoholism/addiction and codependency. I am active in AA and Alanon. I have a sponsor who is a double winner (AA and Alanon).
Sure she has tried to push me but I do not hesitate to remind her there is the door if she does not like the way my household is run, and her 90 days here is contingent on her actions, not words. I can put her out without prior notice if she screws up.
If she isn't on her feet by May 1st, too bad. She has to find somewhere else to live. I've done my part in offering her a place to stay while she does her own footwork.
For now she is meeting her end of the deal, so for now she does live with me.
I have to continually look at her from the viewpoint of having an addict in my home, not my daughter. Give them an inch, and they take a mile.
That's just my own experience with two different periods of housing my AD, with this time being vastly different.
They say when the student is ready, the teacher will appear.
The month that I took my AD in for eight years ago was a complete disaster. I was totally unprepared for what I was letting in my house. The repercussions of that decision were felt for a long time.
She called me recently after burning all her bridges, crying that she was going to be homeless. She's in a lot of legal trouble right now and has sentencing next month.
After much thought and talking with my therapist, I decided to let her come back, temporarily, with strong boundaries in place.
She does all the chores around the house including cleaning, cooking, and laundry. She is now working with two job specialists to find her part-time employment (she's a convicted felon now which makes it difficult). She's checking on low income housing.
One foot over my boundaries and she is fully aware she will be out the door immediately. That is exactly what I did last time, only things were completely out of control by the time I kicked her out. That will not happen this time.
I have eight more years recovery under my belt now, both in alcoholism/addiction and codependency. I am active in AA and Alanon. I have a sponsor who is a double winner (AA and Alanon).
Sure she has tried to push me but I do not hesitate to remind her there is the door if she does not like the way my household is run, and her 90 days here is contingent on her actions, not words. I can put her out without prior notice if she screws up.
If she isn't on her feet by May 1st, too bad. She has to find somewhere else to live. I've done my part in offering her a place to stay while she does her own footwork.
For now she is meeting her end of the deal, so for now she does live with me.
I have to continually look at her from the viewpoint of having an addict in my home, not my daughter. Give them an inch, and they take a mile.
That's just my own experience with two different periods of housing my AD, with this time being vastly different.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: SouthEast
Posts: 159
I feel for us all, it is so hard to see our child in trouble and not living up to their potential. They are our child, but they are not children, even though mine still acts like it!
My 33 yo is now jobless, friendless, no money, shelters are full.
He lives in another state and for a year had been clean and sober. I grew to enjoy the phone calls (not even collect lol) and I could tell when he started to relapse and I tried to not believe it.
He called (collect) and told me he has no money, I had sent him plenty of money for the holidays. I had spoken to someone that knows him and she told me they (him and girlfriend) party a lot, staying out all night, fight a lot (he threathens suicide), and neither is working.
When called and said he had no money and no where to go, all I said was if you had not spent so much partying you would still have money.
I did offer to pay for a motel for the weekend until he could find a place and he didn't call me back.
He is my only son, but we can not make them change, and I sometimes think that we make it easier for them to fail (at least I did).
I have a daily struggle with turning my gifted son over to God, but I have had too many years of the treatments (that they don't follow through on) lies, stealing, friends stealing, drama.
I'm over it, I love my son, but I have a life too, and so do you!
Blessing to us all, I hope you can find peace today. I take one day at a tome, and today it is on an hourly basis.
I have to add that my daughter and husband know what is happening, but I would have some family members furious with me for not 'rescuing' my son and they would tell me that I should be ashamed for not helping him. So I do not discuss it with them. My daughter and husband (not his father) understand and support my decisions.
My 33 yo is now jobless, friendless, no money, shelters are full.
He lives in another state and for a year had been clean and sober. I grew to enjoy the phone calls (not even collect lol) and I could tell when he started to relapse and I tried to not believe it.
He called (collect) and told me he has no money, I had sent him plenty of money for the holidays. I had spoken to someone that knows him and she told me they (him and girlfriend) party a lot, staying out all night, fight a lot (he threathens suicide), and neither is working.
When called and said he had no money and no where to go, all I said was if you had not spent so much partying you would still have money.
I did offer to pay for a motel for the weekend until he could find a place and he didn't call me back.
He is my only son, but we can not make them change, and I sometimes think that we make it easier for them to fail (at least I did).
I have a daily struggle with turning my gifted son over to God, but I have had too many years of the treatments (that they don't follow through on) lies, stealing, friends stealing, drama.
I'm over it, I love my son, but I have a life too, and so do you!
Blessing to us all, I hope you can find peace today. I take one day at a tome, and today it is on an hourly basis.
I have to add that my daughter and husband know what is happening, but I would have some family members furious with me for not 'rescuing' my son and they would tell me that I should be ashamed for not helping him. So I do not discuss it with them. My daughter and husband (not his father) understand and support my decisions.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 49
kmangel and Virgo59...is there something in the air? Because today i sit in the same spot as you both, last night the decision came with complete clarity. She has only two choices and one decision to make this morning: leave now or make the phone call to get herself into an inpatient program. I can't live in it any longer. And unless i get the space i need to decompress from all that has built up since her behaviors have escalated to these insane levels, i won't be of any positive use to the situation. I can't live like this in my own person, feeling this way about myself anymore than i can take running around in circles of lies and denial and being stolen from and manipulated.
We are all going to be ok, regardless of what it feels like right now.
We are all going to be ok, regardless of what it feels like right now.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by missgardenarm 
kmangel and Virgo59...is there something in the air? Because today i sit in the same spot as you both, last night the decision came with complete clarity.
We share and find commonality in our stories, no matter who's the qualifier. When we're ready to accept truth, when we're done, we find strength from each other and we act on it.
When I first came on here, I was so annoyed with some of the veterans who kept suggesting "work the program you wish your addicted loved one would." Then one day it clicked. I accepted it intellectually before emotionally, but no matter, the end result is the same: restoration of my sanity and serenity.
Just like the addict, we need help from people who have been there. When we're ready, we will seek help and accept it. Just like the addict, we'll pursue recovery with everything we've got, like our lives depend on it because they do. Whether our source of help is solely this forum or not, there are recovery stories for us to emulate. The more we focus on them, eventually we begin to find and make our own way.
Congrats to those of you who have chosen to take the next step. To those who haven't, keep working it and it will come, one day at a time
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: SouthEast
Posts: 159
With me, and I 'see' in the posts of others, I was looking for someone to tell me what to do that would WORK! And looking for the ANSWERS!
There is no defined path, each person has the addict, drama, and usually theft. We all know what we have to do and it is painful for us. Understanding that they have to hit bottom, and may never hit bottom, is very painful, but I can accept that now.
But what has finally become clear to me is that it has to be THEIR choice to change, we can not make them change. But the biggest help for ME is getting the relief from the guilt. I am not a bad person because I am not spending all of my hard earned money on YOU! and it is YOUR choice to live a better life!
"When I first came on here, I was so annoyed with some of the veterans who kept suggesting "work the program you wish your addicted loved one would." Then one day it clicked. I accepted it intellectually before emotionally, but no matter, the end result is the same: restoration of my sanity and serenity."
There is no defined path, each person has the addict, drama, and usually theft. We all know what we have to do and it is painful for us. Understanding that they have to hit bottom, and may never hit bottom, is very painful, but I can accept that now.
But what has finally become clear to me is that it has to be THEIR choice to change, we can not make them change. But the biggest help for ME is getting the relief from the guilt. I am not a bad person because I am not spending all of my hard earned money on YOU! and it is YOUR choice to live a better life!
"When I first came on here, I was so annoyed with some of the veterans who kept suggesting "work the program you wish your addicted loved one would." Then one day it clicked. I accepted it intellectually before emotionally, but no matter, the end result is the same: restoration of my sanity and serenity."
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
We do the best we can, and we learn as we grow. All is not lost, you are wiser today.
I'm very sorry this didn't work out. It never did with my son either and I tried many many times before I realized that I was doing more harm than good by giving him a soft place to fall.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Hugs
I'm very sorry this didn't work out. It never did with my son either and I tried many many times before I realized that I was doing more harm than good by giving him a soft place to fall.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Today I handed the bill from the imaging center of the scan taken last week to my son and told him "This is yours to pay as well as the one from the ER that is on its way." My husband and I had intended paying for his medical expenses (he recently suffered kidney stones but has no insurance as well as no job) and we did pay for quite a bit of his expenses when we were in the feeling sorry mode. When I discovered he had relapsed (from the pain meds prescribed for the kidney stones), I decided the remaining expenses were his to deal with, not his Dad and mine to pay (not that they ever were, but we as co-dependants are slowly becoming wiser).
Baby steps, but we're making progress.
Baby steps, but we're making progress.
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