HopefulGF65

I am new here and new to realizing how much of a problem my boyfriend has with pain med addiction. I already started a thread about my personal story so I won't repeat it here but...with everything I've read thus far, is there truly ever a happy ending? And by ending, I know there's no absolute to that answer, I just mean, is it realistic for me (or others in my position) to hope that there will one day soon be a relationship instead of a one-sided give and give some more co-dependency existence?

I'm ever so slowly getting discouraged and this is before my boyfriend has gone through the process of finding out if there's a solution to the backpain he experiences. It's why I can't yet make a decision, even with all the crap he has pulled, because what if a specialist finds a reason behind his pain? My only thought right now is to see this part of the process through, assuming there is some alternative to easing, minimizing or ridding his pain, and to see if he truly means what he says by wanting to get off of the pain meds.

It's all so very sad. And how crazy is this? As much as he has put me through he**, when I was blind to the fact that he really has an addiction problem, I was more hopeful then. Now that I feel stronger and ready to not get caught up in the passive agressive behavior, I feel like the future (for us) is dismal.

((sigh))

missgardenarm

HopefulGF65 ...i'm in a very similar spot emotionally, and i wish i had some kind of answer, but all i can say is that i understand...very much, and you're not alone. I'll be thinking of you.

HopefulGF65

Missgardenarm...I read your thread prior to seeing your response here and I had tears welling up in my eyes. The only reason why I stopped is because I'm at work. I relate to what you're experiencing - you just want so badly the person who you fell in love with. It would be so much easier if the feelings weren't there any more. We continue to love despite the pain. I swear, it's like mourning the death of a loved one over and over and over again.

Thank you and hugs back to you. And prayers to our loved ones...

MsPINKAcres

This is a quote from the Al-Anon One Day at a Time daily readings book from page 234

"Never let me imagine that my satisfaction with life depends on what someone else may do."

You can have a happy ending, beginning and a HAPPY right now to your life ~ regardless of all that you are facing ~ it's not easy, but YOU are worth it.

It doesn't mean you don't experience, pain, heartbreak, sadness and grief ~ working on you, your own recovery and co-dependency can give you the freedom to know that regardless of what happens - YOU can still be ok. You can still have sanity, safety and happiness.

Some are able to do this while living with their active partners, having adult children that are active, some have to do it while detaching with love from those people who are still in the active part of their disease ~

I speak for me personally - I still have down moments, hours or days, but I have a hope that reassures me I can get thru whatever life throws my way ~ with the help of my HP, my recovery family, my family of origin and my PINK strength, courage and wisdom of my program of recovery.

That is MY Happily Ever After

PINK HUGS,
Rita

zoso77

Sometimes, there isn't a happy ending in terms of the relationship.

My AXGF dumped me for someone in her program via text message, attached a picture of her and the new guy, and then confessed to boinking two other men while she was with me. As you can imagine, this was devastating.

But, a month clear of that and I'm OK. In my AXGF's case, there's a dual-diagnosis, and I understand that she is a very, very ill woman. What she did wasn't a reflection of me as it was of her very sick mind.

I went through all the codie-type behavior that you can imagine, and then landed in Al Anon, which was the best thing that could have happened. It was through Al Anon that I learned how to let go of the things that I can't do anything about. Addicts, whether we like it or not, are going to do what they're going to do. We can detach with love if we choose. In my case, my AXGF did something ugly, so my detachment is complete and irreversible.

I do believe, however, there is life after a relationship ends with an addict. And that starts with us and the choices we make to get better, stronger, and more honest with ourselves as to why we made the choices we did to stay. And it's in that spirit I can say I'm glad my ex is gone. I'm slowly returning to the life that I want to live. For me, that's my career, graduate school, and playing lead guitar in a rock band. All three of those things make me happy in different ways. What's helped the most, for me, is prayer. Before all this stuff happened with my ex, I wouldn't call myself a spiritual person. But I've come to accept that there are things bigger than us, and I've learned to ask for help from my Higher Power -- God -- in terms of dealing with my pain and suffering.

I also pray for my ex. I want nothing to do with her on any level, but I don't want anything to happen to her. I want her to be safe. Any atrocities she's committed are between her and her Higher Power.

So, as my clinician told me when my ex pulled her stunt, "Well, ZoSo, another f#@*ing opportunity for growth."

God Bless.

ZoSo

HopefulGF65

Just out of curiosity, how can I tell what is sincere kindness, that I know he is capable of, and what is manipulative behavoir - even if he doesn't realize that he's doing it?

I'm starting to doubt what's real and what's the disease?

zoso77

Honey, I don't know. I honestly don't.

Is he capable of kindness? Absolutely. But he's also capable of a bunch of other things, too.

We're all capable of doing horrendous, manipulative behavior under the right circumstances. With addicts, though, the probability increases. So, it's not a question of what he's capable of doing. It's really a question of:

a) what you're doing to take care of you
b) what are your boundaries

And that's when you have to do your best, most honest thinking.

ZoSo

missgardenarm

Perfectly put...

Thank you, Hopeful. <3

incitingsilence

One certainty is that your future hopefulgf65 will be exactly what you make it…make it wonderful, cause is there really a reason not to?

And sure there are happy endings, and somehow that doesn’t have to do with the addict getting well. But more of finding what you want for your life and who you want in it.

Acceptance goes a long way …. Working on yourself goes even farther and takes away so much of the confusion that you do find what you want and need and again it won’t have anything to do with what the addict in your life is doing.

And I say with much conviction work on you, just you and your view will change…hell everything changes.

What you wrote about mourning, I had to remove that and face that my husband could die, to get past a huge stuck point. I wasted way to much time stuck in the fear of losing my husband to heroin addiction and forgot to be grateful for the fact that he was still alive and had a chance.

I got over the blame it all on him real quick and started to worry about my actions, not his. It made sense he used, he was an addict! What didn’t make sense is what I allowed myself to become because of that..

For a chance at any relationship, both sides must work their own end … I jumped on the path way before my husband and it was a long, winding, dark, lonely road, well in my head anyway …as a description I use to talk of how my glue bottle was slowing empting as I put myself back together and his sat on the shelf collecting dust…It isn’t easy and I do see that I could have, actually I would have, as I got better walked right out of what we had together, it would be inevitable. Even my faltering was preplanned, looking over your shoulder hoping you don‘t get to far ahead and they can catch up. But he followed in time, in HIS time. And years have passed, and he did find his way, and he did it his way, not any different that me doing it mine…which seems so very important to me. He needed to do everything he did, everything so called bad, or what seemed like hope fading away was important, those choices were how he learned, how he saved himself. Removing myself and allowing him to live as he choose and not set anything as good or bad, allowing him to find what was for him, was the best gift I could give him. It was after all his life, he had to want to live it and I couldn’t make him…

Wishing you the best.

Kindeyes

I just want to say that I just love what MsPink and Zoso had to say in the above posts. Those statements were beautiful examples of recovery.

Is there ever a happy ending....if we look at the crux of that question, the answer could be thought of as a resounding NO. We all die. But it's up to each of us, as MsPink so eloquently stated to "have a happy beginning, happy ending and a happy right now". We can't (and shouldn't) hang our happiness on someone else. That's an awful burden to put on another person. I do understand what you mean though that sometimes its like mourning the loss of someone over and over again. I've cried enough tears for a thousand funerals for my son. But WHY? He's alive.

The most wonderful gift that my own recovery has brought me is the gift of acceptance. Acceptance that my son's lifestyle may kill him. Acceptance of what IS. Do I do it perfectly everyday....heck no.....but that is my goal and I work at it.

I think it was Abe Lincoln who said that most people are only as happy as they allow themselves to be. Strive to be happy.

gentle hugs
ke

HopefulGF65

I appreciate what everyone here has had to say, what you have all been through - still going through - and what your loved ones have as well. I've still alot to learn about my own recovery as I'm just now, meaning this week, realizing I have alot of work to do on myself, and I can feel it. I can feel a little bit of detachment that I never had before. Whenever my boyfriend did something hurtful, I would always end up crying, sometimes uncontrollably, or roll myself up in a ball in bed with the lights off. Now I feel some inner strength and although I haven't set off on any kind of plan for me yet, I know me and this is an important first step for me.

It doesn't mean I'm leaving him, or at least not at this moment. As I've said, he just got his mri, waiting to meet with the doctor, and then seeing a neurologist and, if that doesn't work out, a pain management facility. He's even open to my suggestion of accupuncture. Until he finds out what is really going on with his back, he's not sure what treatment is next.

Still, I cannot help, at least for now, holding on to the beautiful beginnings of a relationship we had, the kind way he treated me, the way he would look at me, the softness he would show (and still occasionally does). It doesn't help that for the last year or so, we have had alot of stress financially, not to mention some health issues of my own that has put a scare or two into us. I know life comes with no guarantees and for some it's easier than others (even if it's due to our choices or how we handle things) but I have to believe there is that one chance for us as a couple that we never really got. And if that chance comes and somehow it passes us by because of what is currently going on, well, then, I will be faced with new decisions.

I know I have a long road ahead of me, for getting myself back on track if nothing else, but I am taking one day at a time, trying to learn something new each day, grow a little each day, and find some peace in knowing that if we don't make it as a couple, I'll still be ok. I'm getting there but it's hard as hell.

EnglishGarden

Hopeful,

You seem so torn about your abf's "legitimate" need for pain medication and his obvious opiate addiction.

Here is a quote from Dr. Drew Pinsky:

"Many patients begin opiate use in an attempt to control a common symptom: back pain. They are never told, oftentimes, that opiates perpetuate the symptoms for which they are taking the medication in the first place. This is not to say that every opiate user with back pain must immediately stop their medication.

I can, however, share with you that I have never admitted a patient to my chemical dependency unit for whom pain, wherever it was localized, did not improve markedly with discontinuing opiates.

The brain will go to great lengths to get the drug to which it has become addicted. This includes distorting the individual's feelings and thought processes and, many times, causing pain.

Since denial is a defining feature of addiction, even when the addiction has been accidentally triggered through appropriate medical management, a patient will fight fiercely against the suggestion that he or she is an addict. Denial fuels righteous indignation: "What do you mean? I just want my pain controlled." More often than not, neither the patient nor the physician understands the difficulty of coming to terms with the opiate's addictive effect on the brain."

Hopeful, the switch has been thrown in your abf's brain. He is now a drug addict, and how he came to it is no longer the issue. He is a full-blown opiate addict, like any heroin shooter, and he will manipulate his environment and everyone in it in order to keep using.

Let go of your fretting about his pain and see him for what he is today: a DRUG ADDICT. If you do this, you will be able to do all the right things in your codependency that will keep you from going down the tubes and that will also bring a stop to your ENABLING him.

Your abf is, in essence, a junkie. With that fact in mind, take the actions you need to take. His addict brain is running the show now, it is a selfish, drug-seeking brain, and you are standing in its way.

However it can, that brain is going to try to control YOU--through making you afraid to lose him, through evoking your sympathy for him, through depleting your self-esteem, through curling you in a ball of agony in your dark bed--so you will be so crippled that you will no longer be a threat to the addiction.

There is hope for all drug addicts. But there is always less of it when the people who love them obsess on them, try to control and woo them, and who support the addiction by cooperating blindly with it.

Get serious help for yourself......and then a happy ending may be possible. If you do not get help, I can guarantee the chance of a happy ending drops to zero.

My prayer is for your peace of mind and health.

incitingsilence

Read English Gardens Post a few times...

From the perspective of watching this play out…

In my world, what a jump it was from taking them percs as prescribed…oh wait he never took them as prescribed <rolling eyes > to shooting up heroin for the pain.

My husband is an addict (in recovery now), there was no doubt about it, but I still got hung up on the pain. I was there I saw the reports, I heard the doctors it is obvious the pain was a huge issue and it is something he will have to deal with and work through for the rest of his life…But I couldn’t dismiss how much he loved that high, and why wouldn’t he, and why wouldn’t he use the pain to keep being able to justify using especially when the walls were closing in around him and he was running out of things in his own head to justify….I mean really he was an addict.

Using did make his pain worse and whether you are an addict or not, if you are on opiate therapy for pain for a while the only way to truly gauge your pain is to stop taking them. There is no other way around it to find out the truth. And you don’t just stop and wait a week, you need to give it months and months to truly understand where you stand.

There are a lot of options out there, to list a few shots, specific target exercises and yes they help but they do require doing some work, acupuncture, PT and OT as well to learn how to live within your limitations…oh and being able to see you must have limitations and that they are healthy for you…not a hindrance or excuse to use…

And think about this, not a good reality to find after the fact. The heroin use made him feel so good that he aggravated everything and made it worse, because he wasn’t feeling any pain, some pain is a warning of oops you are hurting yourself.

You will not do him any favors fixating on it. He is an addict, sadly that changes all the dynamics to everything and will have to be addressed as the pain issues are. Neither can be ignored, yet neither can be fixed by you. You can’t use either as an excuse at all….No pity parties either, and don’t play into his because it will not help him…

The only help that ever helped was working on us cause it removes us from helping them which always tends to help them more toward a grave then toward living life…

Do you really think the pain is his problem, cause it won’t ever be, the pills aren’t his problem either, he uses, that is a symptom…he is his problem and will always be…

You on the other hand can be part of the problem or the solution, choose carefully your life will depend on it.

zoso77

I think the above sums it up as well as it can be. Although we may not believe it sometimes, we can make choices that either make or break us.

HopefulGF65

Everyone here is being very supportive and frank and I am honestly taking it all in, even when some of it is much harder to hear than others. But regardless of how much blinders I still have on or how much work I need to do on myself and my co-dependency issues (which I'm not denying by any means), this is the first week of figuring it all out and I have a tidal wave of emotions swirling around inside me.

I am curious how long did it take others here to say "no more" and leave the situation or to at least go through the process of detaching? I've never been a drastic action-oriented person and have always needed time to let things sink in and process before I know what is comfortable and right for me. I know there's no real 'normal' as it's all relative but I wish I had this magic checklist and timeline of what to expect of myself to go through, when I should start feeling X, etc.. All I know is what I feel today, and that it's just a little different (maybe more, maybe less) than yesterday with no thought to tomorrow because I just want to process the present. I did turn a corner this weekend but it took me until I came here to realize I took it.

KelleyF

There are ‘Happy Endings’ ….. Every Day.

There are millions of people all around the world that get caught up in drug abuse, drug addiction. The reasons they start…. Well that could be debated…. Some might say it was because they watched their parent used drugs and it just became a normal part of life, some might say they started to numb the pain of child abuse or neglect, some people will start because they have legitimate pain and then their tolerance grew, some people start because their friends gave it to them……. And some people will say f*** all that – these are just excuses – they are genetically inclined to be addicts. There is something in their brain and once it gets flipped they cannot stop…..

But everyday somewhere in the world someone has stopped using drugs; someone has found a way to stop their pain, or heal their minds, or turn the switch back to ‘off’ …..

So with that in mind….. Don’t feel guilty for being Hopeful and Wishing for a Happy Ending with your BF

But having said all that; life is not a fairytale…… no one* is guaranteed a Happy Ending.

Life is a journey.

And regardless of what comes our way in life; we can choose to deal with each experience in a positive, or a negative way. We can choose to learn, grow, and find our own sources of happiness. Your BF should be a part of your life; not your whole life. You can love him, care about him, enjoy magical moments with him, support him, and even yes… worry about him – as long as it’s at a healthy level. Just because he has this problem does not mean that he is a bad person, or that you have to call into questions every interaction you share.

When I first came to this forum, people had me doubting everything about my relationship. You see my BF had a history of drugs; but he was clean the entire time I knew him (10mos) until he suffered a one night relapse that put him in the hospital. For weeks after that I was a basket case…. And when I came to this forum – it was suggested that he had never stopped; I had just been oblivious, that he wasn’t capable of love because he was so sick; that I was being used by him for $, for sex, for well whatever popped into people’s minds…… Took me a while but I sorted it all out; the answers I needed were inside of me. And I’m sure the answers you are really seeking are within you also. So trust yourself – that is the most important. And learn your limitations – because you are ultimately responsible for your own happiness. You don’t want to think of yourself as a victim‘ if this relationship fails…. Just accept that you took a chance, and it didn’t work out. That’s just life; drugs or no drugs.

If you read the stickies on the forum about codependency; many of the characteristics are that of any normal, caring, loving person. But the codependent person – takes those things to a whole new level where it end up negatively affecting their lives…. And even the life of the one they love.

My BF the wise soul…. I say that because he always seems to know what I need. He could tell how upset and worried I was after his relapse…. One night he just told me: stop worrying, don’t feel guilty, don’t feel responsible, stop trying to figure out the puzzle of why, just treat him as “normal” like I did before the relapse, expect of him normal things, don’t let him off the hook, don’t change myself to try to accommodate him, and if he failed me – failed to make me happy in the relationship – then I had to let him go.

Those words set me free. After that I gradually found my way back to my normally happy, optimistic self. And happy to report… 1.5 months later – everything is still really good between us; and he is doing great.

So about the Codependency thing….. Don’t Do That. Not simple I know…. So read about it, learn about it, examine how it affects your life, and then implement change to stop it. And if you need help in doing this – then seek it. From your posts…. It sounds like you are already headed down this path…. So just carry on…..

And one last thing; do what your BF suggested; force yourself to get out and do some of things that once made you happy. This world is huge - it has so much to offer - dip one little toe in at a time…. You will get there.

Best to both of you!
Kel

Chino

My qualifier is my 24 year old RAD (IV opiates). It took me about a year of her using and relapse before I committed to the process of my recovery.

HopefulGF65

Wow....thank you...I have so much to think about, SO much to learn, and such a big journey in front of me but honestly, I'm a little excited, even for a moment, to start experiencing life all over again. I've hidden from the world for whatever reason(s), shame, fear, exhaustion, and found a too comfortable of a zone on my couch at night after work, drowning my worries with food or whatever "healthy" addiction felt interesting at the time (educational tv shows, cooking, etc.) until that became boring and onto the next interest. I have ADD so that doesn't help but I just started going to a specialist for both that and anxiety so that's a start I guess.

It is not going to be easy I know, and the up and down of what I'm feeling is very confusing to me. But it does help knowing there is a place to turn (here) for support.

KelleyF

OMG - HAHA - My first couple weeks.... I think I ate about a ton of sugar.
And I had stopped my normal exercise routine to boot. Not proud of that....!!
But see you can admit this on the forum...

HopefulGF65

Yeah, I'm not proud of stopping the things I enjoy either. But last summer, I was rear ended (I was at a complete stop and the other driver wasn't paying attention) so that interfered with me playing the sports that I do. That, and the timing of my boyfriend's issues just all came into play with me slowing becoming the proverbial couch potato.

Good weather is just around the corner and I cannot WAIT to get outside. I live near beaches so definitely a motivator to get back in shape!