tjp613

LOL -- I should be the f#@*ing Dalai Lama by now.

EnglishGarden

Thanks, Anvilhead, for that targeted response. I can so easily forget the basics. And truth-telling is a must. Friends and lovers: I need to be with people who do not lie to me.

FindingJoy

Hopeful first of all BIG HUG. I left my RExAB 6 weeks ago I have not seen him and I'm having difficulty with no contact (still reading his texts and emails).
Be kind to yourself during this process. If you decide it is best for you to leave him just know that it's difficult and sad...for awhile each day will feel different.

What I can tell you with great confidence is that I have way more energy now that he's gone; more time; my mood are more even; stress/anxiety down significantly; and I have a great sense of peace.

Do I have times where I'm sad, I miss him, I miss the fantasy if him and us, I miss having a boyfriend?? Yes but that is much easier to deal with than being lied to daily, being punished by him ignoring me or withholding love, being hurt to the core that he forgot (AKA didn't care enough to remember) important dr appointments that I asked him to drive me to or when he would disappear when I needed him most.

I do love him but I love me more!!!!

verylost

My therapist suggested I write down all the ideal traits I would want from my AH. You might want to give that a try and just think about how far or close he might be from them. You matter and you have every right in the world to have a happy ending. You are in complete control of that happy ending. Will your relationship survive...only you know? Regardless you can be OK either way.

HopefulGF65

The responses I got when I posed this last question are excellent and it really did break it down for me to step back, look at the basics, and begin again - as in, what do I want from a relationship? What am I willing to compromise on? And what is an absolute deal breaker?

Great, GREAT thought provoking questions that I will take this weekend to ponder. At least it will give me some guidelines that I can follow.

Thank you thank you thank you!

bluebelle

I think a happy ending is available for you when you turn the focus to yourself and put forth energy in what you need. My RABF was addicted to pain killers for 7 years. For those seven years, he slowly spiraled out of control. I easily responsded in a codependent manner. You see, my mom is a drug addict, and my dad is a drug addict/alcoholic. So, It is very easy for me to excuse behavior, to try to hide someone else's behavior, to try to fix somebody, etc.

For a long time, I was in denial about my bf's drug use. I was not handling my own life very well, and I was pretending that everthing was o.k. I wasn't only pretending to the outside world--I was pretending to myself.

It's hard to say what finally made me "hit bottom." I had been looking at this website. I had posted a few times. I wasn't really willing to admit that bf had a problem. Suddenly, it got to the point where I could not handle him saying one thing and doing another. The constant lies finally got to me. I was finally willing to admit that my life had gotten out of control.

I started--slowly--to work on myself. I pictured handing my bf over to God and to his angels (that was easiest for me). I read Codependent No More about 10 times, and underlined it all and made notes throughout the book.

In the meantime, my bf went through 1 recovery, relapsed for about 7 months, and then went back into recovery. He has been in recovery for over 2 years. I know that he is completely responsible for his recovery. He made the choice to be clean, and he did a lot of hard work to get to that point. He still works very hard on his recovery.

Right now, our life is pretty good. I am working on myself. I don't ask him millions of questions, I don't go though his things, and I pretty much trust him. He has been over for over 2 years. I will never ever put myself into a position that I can't remove myself from. That means, that I constantly have in my head what I would do if I had to get out of the relationship. Our bank accounts have always been separate. I'm working on my career so that I have more of an ability to be self-sufficient. I try to develop my emotional self so that I don't feel dependent on somebody else.

I would be very upset if bf relapsed. However, I know that I can take care of myself. I know that I have the physical and emotional tools to survive, if you know what I mean. For me, that's what recovery means.

BTW, my recovery is a never ending process. I always have to work on it. My parents are active addicts and mentally ill. I will probably always be strugling with trying to fix the world. I have to work daily on admitting that I am powerless over the addicts in my life, and I hand them over to God. Good luck on your journey!

zoso77

I believe it's different with everyone.

In my situation, I was willing to put up with a lot of the ups and downs with my AXGF. What I wasn't willing to tolerate was either gross disrespect or her being unfaithful. It was after a particularly ugly exchange that I decided to get into Al Anon. We weren't together at that time, but I felt I needed to start the process and get to the bottom of my "stuff". And the more stories I heard, and related to, the more I recognized that I had to get out of her way and let her be her. By the time she wanted to try again, that's what I was doing. I had also educated myself regarding BPD. So, between that research and journals, I mostly understood what I was dealing with. I say mostly, because I don't think anyone can be truly be prepared to deal with a severe case of BPD.

Still, I detached. With love. If she were suicidal, I didn't take the bait. If she hadn't eaten in 3 days, I didn't react; just said "you better eat then, huh?" And given the fact she's dual diagnosis, she resented that I was actually...well, trying to get healthy. And the rest is history; she confessed to not being faithful to me on her way on the door, with a smile and a sneer, and I have no love in my heart for her whatsoever.

The biggest lesson for me was the detachment. I recognized that even with my best intentions, my best input, my AXGF was going to do what she was going to do. And usually, she did with disastrous consequences. So, for me, it was either get in her way and watch her blow up, or stay out of her way and watch her blow up. And since I wanted to protect myself, I chose the latter.

The most touching, gutwrenching stories I hear in Al Anon are from mothers dealing with addict children. For some reason, those just kill me. And the work these women have had to do to detach is nothing short of courageous. A lot of them have had to make decisions about restraining orders. A lot of them have been stolen from. And, sadly, some of them have lost their children. Yet, they keep going to meetings, keep doing the hard work. Doesn't mean it's easy, because it's not.

This is getting long. At the end of the day, the addict in your life is in the hands of his Higher Power. And your life is in the hands of yours. Do what you need to do to take care of you.

Always,
ZoSo

HopefulGF65

Well, today was a good day, for me anyway. As my boyfriend is suffering through new pain (off the meds, going for second mri next week, then neurologist in a couple of weeks), I joined a company outing after work. We get out early on Fridays and usually I like to rush right home like a good little co-dependent but today, I didn't. I admit, I didn't volunteer to join this fundraiser event but one of my bosses urged me. I swear, when she looks at me sometimes, she can see my pain even though I try so hard to hide it. Anyway, I was nervous - I've kept to myself so much lately that I wasn't sure how I'd be around so many people. But I found myself enjoying it and I networked a bit, got to knowa couple of co-workers more, and wasn't the first one to leave. Normally, I would have called my bf on the way home but I didn't and when i got home, I could see he was really hurting. But I didn't coddle him like I usually do. I just let him be, let him experience what he was experiencing, and I'm not curled up on the couch in a pity party right now.

This is only one small step in a long journey ahead of me but it's a start. I found myself starting to feel a little guilty knowing that what he was feeling, at least in his head, was real. But I didn't give in to it. We even talked briefly about it, I'm starting to throw out the new me in bits and pieces. When I told him I was educating myself and talking to people about what pain meds do to the brain receptors when youhave an addiction, he didn't correct me or get irritated by my mentioning "addiction" and finished the sentence saying he realizes that the pain he's feeling may not all be real. There's something going on (based on all the stuff written up from his first mri, I mean, it's every other T (disc?) that has the word bulge or protusion) but at least our conversations are transparent and not argumentative.

This week has beenliberating for me. It took him admitting to all his lies to get me to this point. Prior to that, I kept telling myself it was just a "problem". anyway, I feel some progress and tonight, I think I will sleep a little better.

zoso77

Good for you.

You'll have some good days like today. And then...some not so good days. I hope the former far outweighs the latter from this day on.

mattparadise

Oh there certainly is a happy ending. We do recover with no need to return to our vice of choice and never need to return to any kind of meeting either. The urge to drink/use vanishes completely. Wish you the best.

KelleyF

Hopeful ~ that is wonderful news ~

I'm so proud of you. ~Going to the work event was s great way to step outside your comfort zone and shake up your routine.
Kudos to your boss for encouraging you to take part.
(not like we can give them credit very often; but this time yes) - lol

I'm sure it was kinda difficult; change is usually challenging; but often it forces us to step up; once we do that our confidence grows.

And BF did ok without you for a bit didn't he?
Glad u could talk openly with him; best to keep communication flowing as much as possible - especially now.

Praying for both of you ~
Kel

HopefulGF65

Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement. It means ALOT

bevsbrood

All I can say is my AS has been in and out of treatment/rehabs since he was 16 years old ~ he will be 20 in a couple months and it has been a rollercoaster ride for me. I am (once again) working on detaching and setting boundaries. I tend to let go and then take it back. This is a great forum with tons of helpful information. I will keep you in my prayers.

HopefulGF65

I just had to post this...I'm really hoping this is a good sign. Because my boyfriend is really hurting right now, he ended up going to an urgent care. I was REALLY nervous because, well, you know what i was thinking. But he surprised me in a good way - he told them the truth of what has been going on with him, his higher tolerance, his doctor shutting him off, etc. and they gave him a script for Naproxen, a NON-narcotic. :-). And...he wasn't upset about it.

I'm not putting all my hopes into this one event but based on everything that has happened of late, this is huge for him and for us.

KelleyF

missgardenarm

That's wonderful. One step, one choice at a time...
Naproxen is also the non-narcotic that's been prescribed to my gf who has bad back pain as well from old car accidents. I hope it helps him get some relief.

Krystal32

Hopeful- I am SO glad that you had a good day today! You should DEFINITELY feel proud of yourself. What you did may seem like a baby step to you but that was a HUGE step! It's very liberating, isn't it? Like someone said to me before when I had took my first "baby step" hold on to that feeling and don't let it go for anything!

And as for the choice that your BF made today, that is fantastic. That's shows progress on his part cause he could have very easily not said a word about his addiction and got those narcotics. This has been a big day for both of you and I'm very happy that you were able to smile today, you deserve it! Both of you are in my thoughts and prayers

(((((((BIG HUGS))))))))

Krystal

HopefulGF65

No, everything he does, he needs to do it on his own. I felt if I went, that's just yet another move based on co-dependency.

bluebelle

Good for you for going to the get together!! Remember, with your bf, it is most important to watch actions, not listen to words.