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Today's a struggle

Old 02-08-2012, 12:03 PM
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Today's a struggle

My emotions and thoughts seem to jumping from one place to the next today. I can't seem to get a level head on straight and get all the work staring me in the face done. I don't think it helps that I've been at work for five hours and still have at least 7 to go. Not sure why I decided a tax accountant was this great career choice. It doesn't leave much time to be able to deal with life and all the issues right now.

My husband came home from rehab on Monday. He seemed positive and in a good place. I cancelled the babysitter for the day and he spent the day with our 7 month old and went to his meetings. She seemed overjoyed that her daddy was home. Tuesday he started a 9-4 outpatient treatment program for the remainder of the week and next week he will start back to work and an evening program from 6-9. It felt good to have him back home. I can't say it wasn't awkward at first, but that quickly went away.

I'm trying to step back and stay detached from his recovery and let it be his. I'm not sure what exactly I am feeling with everything. I feel like today my feelings and emotions let down. In a way while he was gone, I think I was just going through the motions of each day, getting up, the baby ready, getting her to whatever sitter I had lined up for the day, working a 12 hour day, picking up the baby, getting home in time to put her to bed, get everything done for the next day, eating a quick dinner, and going to bed to do it again. I felt like a machine on autopilot and now that he is home, my body and emotions can't seem to keep functioning the same way. I let down, but at the same time I don't feel that I have time to stop and let everything catch up with me. Today I just want to cry and feel sorry for myself, be overcome with the stress, but what will that get me. I did start seeing a therapist last week and it really seemed that it may help, but its hard to fit into my schedule right now, as awful as that sounds, it is just another thing to find a sitter for and figure out how early I have to get to work to get my time in for the day to be able to leave. I feel like I'm being the worlds worst mom at the moment because I see my daughter maybe an hour in the morning and an hour at night. She gets physical therapy that I am supposed to do everyday at home with her, but its hard to fit it in.
I don't really know what I am asking. Just maybe does it get better. My husband has been a great father and is wonderful with our daughter, but it makes me anxious with them being together. He's clean and in recovery, but I'm still nervous about it. I also don't know what to expect. He being home is new right now and still very early, but do I expect him to carry his share as before? I don't want to shelter him or coddle him, but I don't want to overwhelm him as well, even though I may be at that point.
I know that he and I will need counseling of our own, but right now he has to focus on his recovery and I am trying to focus on my daughter and I, but at the same time he's a part of the family as well. I think it helps just getting my feelings out there, and not staying so bottled up.
Any suggestions, advice?
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Old 02-08-2012, 12:22 PM
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It is a big adjustment ~ sounds like all your feelings and emotions are right on track for what you have been thru ~

Although it may seem like an inconvenience - please try to keep going to the therapist - YOU deserve that YOU time!!

In my opinion, YOUR recovery is just as important as HIS recovery ~ if you have a chance, maybe get some Al-Anon literature to read, others have suggested the Co-Dependent No More series too! The "stickys" and other post here from members who have been thru similar situations may help you too

Most of all - Remember - Breathe, Just Breathe ~
It's ok to take it all ONE day at a time~!

PINK HUGS,
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Old 02-08-2012, 12:23 PM
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oopsy - double post

Last edited by MsPINKAcres; 02-08-2012 at 12:24 PM. Reason: ^^^^^
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Old 02-08-2012, 12:36 PM
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When my kids were small I had some stay at home years, some part-time working years and some full time plus going to college years.

One day when my youngest ( @6 years old) heard I was taking another new class- he frowned and I _did_ feel bad but then I remembered that I was working on my degree so that I could make a better income for my family's benefit.

You are to be commended for doing such hard work and I'm sorry it's so rough on you in addition to what's going on with your husband right now.

My advice? Uh-oh...I'm supposed to limit my sharing my experience, strength and hope. lol When stressed I try to remember to take good care of myself by eating right, getting the rest I need etc etc. It's a good recovery tool- self care.

btw Feeling guilty never helped me to be a better mom or a better anything.

I hope you can squeeze in some time to rest and regroup, even if for short periods.

Your baby is fortunate to have such a hard working mom.
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Old 02-09-2012, 02:56 PM
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I had the same feeling like a bad mom feeling building for a few months now. Monday was our parent teacher conference so I guess it kinda shined through in my words and my daughters teacher said to me 'kids are resilient, she's having no problems or showing any disturbances. Seems like your being to hard on yourself'. She's right, I am. Maybe you are too. Every time I leave for therapy my daughter begs me to stay home and I feel horrible, and every week I respond "Mommys going to work on being a better mommy" because the healthier I get, the better Mommy I can be.

Be fair to yourself, sounds like your going through a lot.
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