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exhausted sad mother of relapsing son

Old 02-06-2012, 05:14 PM
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exhausted sad mother of relapsing son

My son is 33 and started using at an early age. I have been through all of the drama, crisis, theft, jails, 'get your out of control under control' bad parent accusations all as a single without the other parent involved at all (excpet to cause more trouble).My son had been a functioning alcoholic and user, always living with friends and always bad relationships, always borrowing money, the same drama all of you deal with.

After being single for 20 years I met a wonderful man and have been married for 12 years. One of the very first discussions was to NOT have anyone else move in with us. It came in very handy many times!!!

4 years ago we retired and moved out of the city where my son lives. 2 years ago he called me and had met the 'girl of his dreams'. After all of the drama of his past relationships I was neutral and didn't meet or talk to her. He was vague on where they were living and I thought they were renting a home. They were living with her mother and I guess he didn't want me to know.

They had started college amd both were working at part time jobs. My gifted son that I had to force to take the GED when he dropped out was on the deans list.

He apologized for being a horrible child (his words) and I began to actually ENJOY his phone calls. About 1 year being together they came to vist and she fought with people on the cell phone a lot. I wasn't really impressed but as long as he was happy OK with me. I didn't have to live with her and she was polite to me THEN!

Shortly after that she starting sending emails complaining about him not working, blah blah blah and I ignored them. He would call and say things were OK but I could tell they weren't getting along as well.

Last Aug they had a fight and she called me on my cell, yelling, cussing so I quit answering the phone. Then the nasty emails so I blocked her, so she started in on my daughter that she has never met. Had my daughter crying.

Son says they have broken up and he is staying with a friend and no way to contact him, he will call me, no address. Several months later he starts sending me emails saying he is homeless and just going in friends homes to shower eat, but his professors now of his situation and are proud of him for still being on the deans list. He needs money. When he asks me for money I keep telling him you have to get a job. Stupid me fell for the homeless act and I did send hime money to finish this semester and I just kept getting emails for more. I said no get a job!!! but I had already given him a lot.

This is all lies to get money!!!! I had to call the police to stop her harrassment and the police gave me the number to speak with the mother. They are using drugs, party a lot, fight a lot and he cuts himself and threatens suicide. He is really going to college but he still lives there.
They both has started using and drinking again and she is very jealous and made nasty and threatening calls so he is cut off from family and all of his friends.

She is in detox and mother kicked him out so he Baker Acted himself! He wanted money and I told him he would have a lot of the money I had sent him if he had not partied so much. He is now homeless, shelters are full, no job, no money, no friends (which maybe a good thing as I'm sure most were partiers too).

I saw what my son is for one year and I really liked him, now he is back to the selfish drama druggie! I hope this is rock bottom, how much lower can you get. I refuse to send money, actually there is no way thank God, but I am just sick and worried, and angry that he borught the b**** into my families life.

I pray for us all that they are safe and can get help!
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Old 02-06-2012, 06:41 PM
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TMZ
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Welcome to SR,

I am sorry for what your going through. Though is seams like you have learned that NO is a complete sentence. We never know where each of there bottoms are but giving money only prolongs and allows them to continue using. He is an adult and he has to make his own money, his own place to stay. He will not do it if you keep giving.

It is the hardest thing to turn them loose, let go and let God. But it is the best thing for them. All I do now is offer advice and love. When they ask for money I tell them I get a paycheck form a job they should try it. But this bank is out of money for them. ( Having two AS's 31 & 32)

I know your son knows how to survive but I will pray he finds the light and help for his disease. I hope you also seek help through Nar-anon.

Keep reading and posting, be well
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Old 02-06-2012, 06:47 PM
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My heart goes out to you helpme33. I hope you and your family finds peace.
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Old 02-06-2012, 08:07 PM
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Things can turn crazy real fast when drugs are involved. It's hard to see those glimpses of what they could be and watch it all go to heck again. It's tough on a mother's heart.

But now it's time to get back on your recovery horse and begin taking care of you. You deserve to have a good, happy, peaceful life.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 02-06-2012, 09:31 PM
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I'm so sorry, Help33. You pain is difficult and real. I pray that all of our sons and daughters soon come to the realization that they need help that we can't give them. The old "what ifs" come into play in our minds and somehow manipulate us into thinking it's up to us to save them and if they die, it will be our fault for not rescuing. I have trouble stopping - just keep thinking one more try, one more time.

May God help all of us to gain the knowledge, courage, and faith it takes to walk this very difficult journey. We didn't want the ticket for this trip, but can't seem to give it back. ((hug))
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Old 02-07-2012, 10:11 AM
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Thank you, it is hard enough with one, bless you for having 2! My 8 yo older than son was using, drinking and a brush with the law actually scared her straight, counseling worked very well. This one nothing scares him straight, he would brag about it to his friends. Very hard for parents and other loved ones!

Originally Posted by TMZ View Post
Welcome to SR,

I am sorry for what your going through. Though is seams like you have learned that NO is a complete sentence. We never know where each of there bottoms are but giving money only prolongs and allows them to continue using. He is an adult and he has to make his own money, his own place to stay. He will not do it if you keep giving.

It is the hardest thing to turn them loose, let go and let God. But it is the best thing for them. All I do now is offer advice and love. When they ask for money I tell them I get a paycheck form a job they should try it. But this bank is out of money for them. ( Having two AS's 31 & 32)

I know your son knows how to survive but I will pray he finds the light and help for his disease. I hope you also seek help through Nar-anon.

Keep reading and posting, be well
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Old 02-07-2012, 10:13 AM
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Thank you!!
Originally Posted by Kindeyes View Post
Things can turn crazy real fast when drugs are involved. It's hard to see those glimpses of what they could be and watch it all go to heck again. It's tough on a mother's heart.

But now it's time to get back on your recovery horse and begin taking care of you. You deserve to have a good, happy, peaceful life.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 02-07-2012, 10:16 AM
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Thank you! I let go and turn him over to God hourly, praying we can all learn to detach easily! Their choices their lives seems so cold, but necessary!
Originally Posted by washbe2 View Post
I'm so sorry, Help33. You pain is difficult and real. I pray that all of our sons and daughters soon come to the realization that they need help that we can't give them. The old "what ifs" come into play in our minds and somehow manipulate us into thinking it's up to us to save them and if they die, it will be our fault for not rescuing. I have trouble stopping - just keep thinking one more try, one more time.

May God help all of us to gain the knowledge, courage, and faith it takes to walk this very difficult journey. We didn't want the ticket for this trip, but can't seem to give it back. ((hug))
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Old 02-07-2012, 05:15 PM
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Dear helpme33,

I feel for you. My son is 21 and an addict. I have had no contact with him since Thanksgiving. On one hand, it is heartbreaking, but on the other hand, I have had time to myself and have been able to refocus my attention on my own life and not his issues.

I'm glad you found us here. We understand, and we are here for you.

Susan
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Old 02-07-2012, 09:34 PM
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Help33:

Just another Mom sending huggs your way. As mentioned above, we didn't bargain for any of this when we signed on for Motherhood. I too find it a challenge every day to work on loving detachment, but detach I must in order to survive. I know it's the only way to serenity for me and hopefully I can pave the way for them, when and if they are ever ready.

I will keep you and yours in my prayers tonight,
Hope
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