first time here, please help
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Telling him adios for now is not the end of the world. IF h gets clean, stays clean for a minimum of 1 year and continues to work a strong recovery program you may be inclined to take him back, The key is that he must want soberity more than anything or anyone in his life, it must be his entire focus.
In any case, he will be an addict all his life, there is no cure for this disease, and, the gene that predisposed one to addiction will be passed onto his children, 50% of children of people who are addicted become addicted or marry addicts themselves. This is one nasty disease.
Keep those meetings up, keep posting, it will help.
In any case, he will be an addict all his life, there is no cure for this disease, and, the gene that predisposed one to addiction will be passed onto his children, 50% of children of people who are addicted become addicted or marry addicts themselves. This is one nasty disease.
Keep those meetings up, keep posting, it will help.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Irish
Posts: 552
Sometimes I have a hunch....and I think you should have a look at the Children Of Alcoholics or Dysfunctional Families Laundry List.It might Guide you in the Right Direction for Yourself...Just a Hunch.....Here the are.
The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
1,We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
2,We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
3,We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism.
4,We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
5,We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
6,We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
7,We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
8,We became addicted to excitement.
9,We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
10,We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
11,We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
12,We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
13,Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
14,Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
Im sure there is an ACA Meeting somewhere near you....If not keep going to Al Anon...Blessings to you in what ever you do.
The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
1,We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
2,We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
3,We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism.
4,We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
5,We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
6,We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
7,We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
8,We became addicted to excitement.
9,We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
10,We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
11,We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
12,We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
13,Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
14,Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
Im sure there is an ACA Meeting somewhere near you....If not keep going to Al Anon...Blessings to you in what ever you do.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Have you tried working with a therapist/counselor? When I was around your age, I was in a relationship with a long-term boyfriend who was an addict. We broke up several times, and each time it was very difficult emotionally for me. It helped to work with a therapist. I also kept a journal of my feelings. At first, it was extremely difficult. I thought about him all the time, and didn't know how I could do anything without him. Everything reminded me of him. It got easier as time got on. That was one of the great things about keeping a journal. I was able to see my emotions get better over time.
I also kept my journal to write down all the jerk things he did. That helped remind me not to go back to him.
The fact that he is living with the relapsed addicts makes me think that he is not serious about recovery. He knows from rehab that part of recovery is to put yourself in situations with sober people.
If he is sharing needles with his roommate, and you and your bf have sex, then he could transmit hepatitis to you. It is an infection that is in the blood. Considering he has used needles, and his roommate is a drug addict, then it is possible--as far as I know. If you are concerned, then this would be a good topic to bring up with your doctor/nurse practitioner. They would be qualified to talk to you about this.
I also kept my journal to write down all the jerk things he did. That helped remind me not to go back to him.
The fact that he is living with the relapsed addicts makes me think that he is not serious about recovery. He knows from rehab that part of recovery is to put yourself in situations with sober people.
If he is sharing needles with his roommate, and you and your bf have sex, then he could transmit hepatitis to you. It is an infection that is in the blood. Considering he has used needles, and his roommate is a drug addict, then it is possible--as far as I know. If you are concerned, then this would be a good topic to bring up with your doctor/nurse practitioner. They would be qualified to talk to you about this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 445
Originally Posted by dollydo 
Telling him adios for now is not the end of the world. IF h gets clean, stays clean for a minimum of 1 year and continues to work a strong recovery program you may be inclined to take him back, The key is that he must want soberity more than anything or anyone in his life, it must be his entire focus.
In any case, he will be an addict all his life, there is no cure for this disease, and, the gene that predisposed one to addiction will be passed onto his children, 50% of children of people who are addicted become addicted or marry addicts themselves. This is one nasty disease.
Keep those meetings up, keep posting, it will help.
In any case, he will be an addict all his life, there is no cure for this disease, and, the gene that predisposed one to addiction will be passed onto his children, 50% of children of people who are addicted become addicted or marry addicts themselves. This is one nasty disease.
Keep those meetings up, keep posting, it will help.
Dollydo ..... Just curious ....might you direct me to where I can find and review the scientific evidence on this.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Baton Rouge
Posts: 5
ok so i'll start with some good news... good news is i managed to figure out a way to get some sleep and push aside all my terrible fears... it sounds like quite possibly the dumbest thing ever and is probably the funniest thing in my life currently but in order to sleep i concentrate on this image of this shoe... why a shoe, i don't know. but i do know that shoes do not remind me of him, shoes do not upset me, shoes do not make me more nauseous, and that for what ever reason thinking about this shoe is the only thing that keeps my mind off things.i have never seen it, i thought it up in my mind. i told my mom and she said it sounded like lamaz or something, so at 3am when i feel insane and alone, i have been thinking of a shoe. sounds insane but it works. so if anyone is going just as crazy and having mental breakdowns as me, maybe try designing a shoe in your mind? ha. anyway, i also made an appointment tomorrow with my therapist (thank god). i also decided to write my boyfriend a letter last night that way i wouldn't forget to mention things and if i choke up and cry my eyes out, which is likely to happen i can give it to him to read. i was suppose to meet up with him today, but he still isn't home, which is okay because his current "home" is with active users. he has not called although he did text me this morning letting me know he was alright, which i asked him to do..simply to know he's not dead. he finally just texted me saying "i'm getting honest with my parents about everything they are here with me in (where he's staying i'd rather leave that out) i will call you tonight i am probably going back to treatment i am a piece of **** and i do not deserve anything good i hate myself i am so sorry i did this i am worthless" so i replied "will you call me" and he said "when i am finished talking to my parents they are not happy right now i will call when i am done i'm so sorry" so i said "ok please actually call me this time when you're done. please. don't make me wait any longer than that." so that's where i'm currently at. i'd really like to post the letter i wrote to him, but it's long. i just want to know if it's okay or if i'm saying something wrong in there...so here goes:
Chris,
First I want you to know that the past 6 months with you have been some of the most memorable and happy times in my life. I say the past 6 months, because for the past month there has been a person who looks similar to the Chris that I came to know and love, but he has not been there at all. We have had so much fun together, getting to know the sober you was one of the most amazing people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. We had fun doing anything together, watching tv and movies, cuddling on the couch, going to walmart even. I really enjoyed that weekend we went to ****** Fest together; I think it may have been the best weekend of my life. We were so happy. I just tried to watch some of the videos from my birthday weekend but I couldn’t get past the beginning of the first one because it started out with me saying “of course I trust you”, while we were on the way to get fireworks. I thought I could trust you, I did trust you. Even after your slip up around November I trusted you again. I realize that none of this is my fault or my doing or yours and I know you have a disease but I can no longer trust anything you do or say, it is completely gone. I told you after the first time that I wanted honesty and that to me is one of the things that hurts me the most. Being lied to for a month, even when I directly asked you numerous times. Also being stolen from, I still cannot fathom that you some how manipulated me and went behind my back and stole all of my Xanax. Especially after you KNOW the reason I was prescribed them in the first place, you’ve seen me have panic attacks. Quite frankly, it would have been nice to have one these past few days so that I could stop having continuous panic attacks. Which brings me to a completely different topic. Either you lied to me from the get-go about ever driving under the influence, or you just thought that now would be a good time to start. Not only did you do it, but I was in the car with you when you chose to. Even then you couldn’t be honest and tell me the truth even after what I’ve been through from my wreck. Yes, you have a disease, trust me I’ve read up on it and they all say you don’t mean to intentionally lie, steal, etc but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. You’re decisions lately have been extremely destructive and worry me to death. If I’ve come across as controlling or annoying and trying to get in touch with you so much it’s because I’m scared. I’m scared you’re ODed somewhere dead and when you don’t talk to me for days it runs through my mind. I guess I should have started al-anon long ago because I probably don’t go about things completely as I should, then again neither do you. I’m not trying to play a blame game here though, that’s not the point of this at all. In fact the reason I am typing you a letter is so I don’t leave anything out and you can still read it even if I choke up too much, which I’ve been doing a lot of lately. Anyway back to us. Chris, I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I meant every word I said about wanting to spend my life with you, what I didn’t realize is that I was in denial of your disease most of the time. I guess I just wanted everything to be perfect all the time as far as your sobriety is concerned. I now realize that that is not going to be the case. I pray and I hope for you and for your family and daughter that you can obtain the help that you need to get your life back and I hope that you can some day be a person in an AA meeting telling your story of how you’ve stayed sober for 40+ years and that you can keep in the program just as involved later in life as you hopefully will be in the beginning. However, as much as I wish that I could have the perfect life with you with our kids running around in the hall way of our house with Lena parading them around, I can no longer be in a relationship with an active drug user. You need time for you and only you. I’ve always said if you can’t love yourself that you surely can’t love someone else. I want the very best for you in life and I cannot enable you any longer in any way. My heart is broken into a million pieces and the last thing I ever wanted to do was lose you, but I already have. I can’t beg you to better yourself and you and I both know that you won’t be able to until you’re serious and ready. I love you, I will never stop loving you and dreaming of you; the sober you, the man of my dreams who swept me off my feet when I didn’t want to be swept and took my breath away. I hope that you get the help that you need and I hope that this is the last first time you have to, I wish you all the happiness in the world, you have so much to offer to so many people but I also think that that gets you into trouble. You’re like me, we try to better other people when we haven’t yet resolved all of our own problems. I think that I will continue al-anon, at least for a while and give it a try, but I can’t be with someone who I can’t trust and I can’t imagine ever having to go through this extreme pain again. I wish so badly that things were simpler, but the truth is they aren’t. I love you, so I’m letting you go; go get the help you need. This is by far the most difficult thing that I have had to do in my life. I received an email from nar-anon and in it there were many things, one of them was this:
•••••••••••••••••••••
What Addicts Do
I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered a sociopath. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
Anonymous
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
I think that pretty much explains it all in a nutshell. I am giving you your life back now, you make your own decisions, you will no longer have me here giving input and affecting your decisions. I will never stop thinking about you, I love you and I always will. Just remember, one day at a time.
Chris,
First I want you to know that the past 6 months with you have been some of the most memorable and happy times in my life. I say the past 6 months, because for the past month there has been a person who looks similar to the Chris that I came to know and love, but he has not been there at all. We have had so much fun together, getting to know the sober you was one of the most amazing people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. We had fun doing anything together, watching tv and movies, cuddling on the couch, going to walmart even. I really enjoyed that weekend we went to ****** Fest together; I think it may have been the best weekend of my life. We were so happy. I just tried to watch some of the videos from my birthday weekend but I couldn’t get past the beginning of the first one because it started out with me saying “of course I trust you”, while we were on the way to get fireworks. I thought I could trust you, I did trust you. Even after your slip up around November I trusted you again. I realize that none of this is my fault or my doing or yours and I know you have a disease but I can no longer trust anything you do or say, it is completely gone. I told you after the first time that I wanted honesty and that to me is one of the things that hurts me the most. Being lied to for a month, even when I directly asked you numerous times. Also being stolen from, I still cannot fathom that you some how manipulated me and went behind my back and stole all of my Xanax. Especially after you KNOW the reason I was prescribed them in the first place, you’ve seen me have panic attacks. Quite frankly, it would have been nice to have one these past few days so that I could stop having continuous panic attacks. Which brings me to a completely different topic. Either you lied to me from the get-go about ever driving under the influence, or you just thought that now would be a good time to start. Not only did you do it, but I was in the car with you when you chose to. Even then you couldn’t be honest and tell me the truth even after what I’ve been through from my wreck. Yes, you have a disease, trust me I’ve read up on it and they all say you don’t mean to intentionally lie, steal, etc but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. You’re decisions lately have been extremely destructive and worry me to death. If I’ve come across as controlling or annoying and trying to get in touch with you so much it’s because I’m scared. I’m scared you’re ODed somewhere dead and when you don’t talk to me for days it runs through my mind. I guess I should have started al-anon long ago because I probably don’t go about things completely as I should, then again neither do you. I’m not trying to play a blame game here though, that’s not the point of this at all. In fact the reason I am typing you a letter is so I don’t leave anything out and you can still read it even if I choke up too much, which I’ve been doing a lot of lately. Anyway back to us. Chris, I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I meant every word I said about wanting to spend my life with you, what I didn’t realize is that I was in denial of your disease most of the time. I guess I just wanted everything to be perfect all the time as far as your sobriety is concerned. I now realize that that is not going to be the case. I pray and I hope for you and for your family and daughter that you can obtain the help that you need to get your life back and I hope that you can some day be a person in an AA meeting telling your story of how you’ve stayed sober for 40+ years and that you can keep in the program just as involved later in life as you hopefully will be in the beginning. However, as much as I wish that I could have the perfect life with you with our kids running around in the hall way of our house with Lena parading them around, I can no longer be in a relationship with an active drug user. You need time for you and only you. I’ve always said if you can’t love yourself that you surely can’t love someone else. I want the very best for you in life and I cannot enable you any longer in any way. My heart is broken into a million pieces and the last thing I ever wanted to do was lose you, but I already have. I can’t beg you to better yourself and you and I both know that you won’t be able to until you’re serious and ready. I love you, I will never stop loving you and dreaming of you; the sober you, the man of my dreams who swept me off my feet when I didn’t want to be swept and took my breath away. I hope that you get the help that you need and I hope that this is the last first time you have to, I wish you all the happiness in the world, you have so much to offer to so many people but I also think that that gets you into trouble. You’re like me, we try to better other people when we haven’t yet resolved all of our own problems. I think that I will continue al-anon, at least for a while and give it a try, but I can’t be with someone who I can’t trust and I can’t imagine ever having to go through this extreme pain again. I wish so badly that things were simpler, but the truth is they aren’t. I love you, so I’m letting you go; go get the help you need. This is by far the most difficult thing that I have had to do in my life. I received an email from nar-anon and in it there were many things, one of them was this:
•••••••••••••••••••••
What Addicts Do
I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered a sociopath. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
Anonymous
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
I think that pretty much explains it all in a nutshell. I am giving you your life back now, you make your own decisions, you will no longer have me here giving input and affecting your decisions. I will never stop thinking about you, I love you and I always will. Just remember, one day at a time.
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