Controlling or helping?
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Controlling or helping?
My dad, who has been pretty darned healthy and is working 60-70 hrs/week doing expediting work asked stepmom and I to take him to the ER last night.
A little history - I've repeatedly expressed my concern over his weight, the fact that he doesn't take his blood pressure (BP) pills, how I can hear him breathing from the other side of the house.
He got scared - blurred vision, light-headed and was having trouble breathing. I was so upset, as I backed out of the driveway, I went OFF the driveway and backed into a tree
I got his permission to go in the "back" with him, speak to the dr's and nurses, and did mention I'd been a nurse years ago...they were awesome.
Dad downplays a lot, I set the record clear. He has congestive heart failure (CHF). My mom died from the same, though her's was due to rheumatic heart disease.
I was, and am still scared. When the dr talked to us, dad asked what he needed to do and he basically told him "everything your daughter has told you to do, but if you ignore me like you have her? Your heart is going to get worse".
I admit - I'm scared. I don't think I can go through losing another parent like I lost my mom (possibly awfulizing).
My problem is, dad is convinced that it's my stepmom's fault - she's a southern lady...fried foods, fatback in veggies, etc. She honestly doesn't know any different.
When dad was diagnosed with pre-diabetes, he did great - lost 20 pounds, blood sugar was normal...and he bought 3 dozen donuts home
I've talked about personal responsibility. My opinion is, he's a food addict - deals with every single feeling with food (I did this when I was younger though there was no dysfunction, addiciton, etc. - I'm convinced I was born a codie).
He did admit, last night that he knows it's HIS choices, he still blames my stepmom.
I went to the grocery store and got all kinds of healthy stuff as my own eating habits are horrible, though I only need to lose about 15-20 pounds, not 50+ as he does.
He and I got into a discussion about expectations and he cut it off by saying "I'm TRYING to find where we're going" (we were on the road).
There are several things he needs to get worked up - cardiology, GI (he had colon cancer 30 years ago), sleep studies for sleep apnea and though I've told him all this, the dr. told him the same last night.
I've dealt with addicts (my stepmom is one), I've been through this, but this is my dad...the one who is now supporting me, the one who has never given up on me. Yes, he allowed me to hit bottom in my addiction, for which I will forever be grateful; yes we butt heads because I inherited his stubborn streak, yes he has turned into a codie and hides his head in the sand, but he's still my dad and we are closer than we've ever been.
I do NOT want to be the "police" over what he eats, whether he's taken his BP pill. I know nagging does nothing but annoy one because he nags me about my smoking.
I've been here for years. I'm just a bit overwhelmed and my head is spinning. CHF = struggling for breath while on oxygen (my mom) terrifies me. Even as a nurse (my mom died in my first year of nursing school) breathing problems were a huge trigger and the respiratory therapists were my best friends.
I can't tell when I'm trying to "teach" him and when I'm controlling. I told him tonight that I know he's scared, he's grieving his "always healthy" status, and he's not sure how to handle not eating to deal with whatever feelings. He's dealing with aging but hell, so am I!
My codie side is screaming "TAKE OVER, FIX THIS" and my recovery side is saying "he's going to do what he's going to do".
I was able to deal with XABF#3 doing what he was going to do and he died. I don't even know what the purpose of this thread is other than to ask for ES&H because I feel like my codie-recovery tools are failing and I'm scared. FWIW, he IS stable, but if he doesn't make some changes, he's not going to stay that way.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
A little history - I've repeatedly expressed my concern over his weight, the fact that he doesn't take his blood pressure (BP) pills, how I can hear him breathing from the other side of the house.
He got scared - blurred vision, light-headed and was having trouble breathing. I was so upset, as I backed out of the driveway, I went OFF the driveway and backed into a tree
I got his permission to go in the "back" with him, speak to the dr's and nurses, and did mention I'd been a nurse years ago...they were awesome.
Dad downplays a lot, I set the record clear. He has congestive heart failure (CHF). My mom died from the same, though her's was due to rheumatic heart disease.
I was, and am still scared. When the dr talked to us, dad asked what he needed to do and he basically told him "everything your daughter has told you to do, but if you ignore me like you have her? Your heart is going to get worse".
I admit - I'm scared. I don't think I can go through losing another parent like I lost my mom (possibly awfulizing).
My problem is, dad is convinced that it's my stepmom's fault - she's a southern lady...fried foods, fatback in veggies, etc. She honestly doesn't know any different.
When dad was diagnosed with pre-diabetes, he did great - lost 20 pounds, blood sugar was normal...and he bought 3 dozen donuts home
I've talked about personal responsibility. My opinion is, he's a food addict - deals with every single feeling with food (I did this when I was younger though there was no dysfunction, addiciton, etc. - I'm convinced I was born a codie).
He did admit, last night that he knows it's HIS choices, he still blames my stepmom.
I went to the grocery store and got all kinds of healthy stuff as my own eating habits are horrible, though I only need to lose about 15-20 pounds, not 50+ as he does.
He and I got into a discussion about expectations and he cut it off by saying "I'm TRYING to find where we're going" (we were on the road).
There are several things he needs to get worked up - cardiology, GI (he had colon cancer 30 years ago), sleep studies for sleep apnea and though I've told him all this, the dr. told him the same last night.
I've dealt with addicts (my stepmom is one), I've been through this, but this is my dad...the one who is now supporting me, the one who has never given up on me. Yes, he allowed me to hit bottom in my addiction, for which I will forever be grateful; yes we butt heads because I inherited his stubborn streak, yes he has turned into a codie and hides his head in the sand, but he's still my dad and we are closer than we've ever been.
I do NOT want to be the "police" over what he eats, whether he's taken his BP pill. I know nagging does nothing but annoy one because he nags me about my smoking.
I've been here for years. I'm just a bit overwhelmed and my head is spinning. CHF = struggling for breath while on oxygen (my mom) terrifies me. Even as a nurse (my mom died in my first year of nursing school) breathing problems were a huge trigger and the respiratory therapists were my best friends.
I can't tell when I'm trying to "teach" him and when I'm controlling. I told him tonight that I know he's scared, he's grieving his "always healthy" status, and he's not sure how to handle not eating to deal with whatever feelings. He's dealing with aging but hell, so am I!
My codie side is screaming "TAKE OVER, FIX THIS" and my recovery side is saying "he's going to do what he's going to do".
I was able to deal with XABF#3 doing what he was going to do and he died. I don't even know what the purpose of this thread is other than to ask for ES&H because I feel like my codie-recovery tools are failing and I'm scared. FWIW, he IS stable, but if he doesn't make some changes, he's not going to stay that way.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Sorry you are dealing with this, Amy. I'm sending strength and prayers. I think you are in the best position to judge that line and stay on the right side of it. You've got the tools and are using them - by posting and clarifying your own feelings and thoughts. You'll navigate this just fine.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Hanna))) - trust me, I'm grasping at every recovery tool I have
(((Michael))) - I think that's the hard part...I KNOW he's going to do what he's going to do because that's what *I* did.
I have a much greater appreciation for all who have been through this. Though it's not drugs, food/codie stuff I think can be just as deadly.
Stepmom and I just talked, she admits she's an A, and agrees that dad is addicted to food and we are both scared. On a good note, dad ate a very healthy dinner of stuff I'd bought.
He and I are stubborn, and when we set our mind to something? Don't even try to stand in our way. I just pray that his "I WILL do this" attitude kicks in
I'm also very grateful...I have all of you on SR, stepmom has...me. Yes, my step-siblings that know have contacted me and are worried, but I'm the one who is here. I can overlook her "stuff" and see the woman who loves my dad and is scared.
That, my friends, is a gift of recovery
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
(((Michael))) - I think that's the hard part...I KNOW he's going to do what he's going to do because that's what *I* did.
I have a much greater appreciation for all who have been through this. Though it's not drugs, food/codie stuff I think can be just as deadly.
Stepmom and I just talked, she admits she's an A, and agrees that dad is addicted to food and we are both scared. On a good note, dad ate a very healthy dinner of stuff I'd bought.
He and I are stubborn, and when we set our mind to something? Don't even try to stand in our way. I just pray that his "I WILL do this" attitude kicks in
I'm also very grateful...I have all of you on SR, stepmom has...me. Yes, my step-siblings that know have contacted me and are worried, but I'm the one who is here. I can overlook her "stuff" and see the woman who loves my dad and is scared.
That, my friends, is a gift of recovery
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I'm sorry you're hurting Amy. Your dad's story reminds me of my dad's in so may ways, so I guess I'm feeling a little bit of your pain
I bet he makes his own choices on the road, right? 
He's an old dog who has to learn new tricks, and needs a face to face buddy system. Your stepmom isn't it. My dad knew as much as any dietitian, because he talked to so many of them, but he still needed a buddy system. I did what I could when I was in town, like grocery shopping for him when he couldn't and my stepmom wasn't around, and he knew I wouldn't buy anything his doctor wouldn't approve. They were on a tight budget, so they were stuck with my choices until the next paycheck
If I had lived close to my dad when his health began to decline, I would have asked to grocery shop all the time and help with meal planning. My stepmom would have hated that, though, so he probably would have said thanks, but no.
BTW I know that breathing you're talking about, the struggle. I can still hear and see my dad gasping for air, even with an oxygen mask, from CHF. Same thing for my stepmom with COPD. Maybe it is awfulizing on your part, but I also think it's awareness from a lot of experience.
I'm sending you all prayers and bunches of hugs.
Originally Posted by Impurrfect 
My problem is, dad is convinced that it's my stepmom's fault - she's a southern lady...fried foods, fatback in veggies, etc. She honestly doesn't know any different.
He's an old dog who has to learn new tricks, and needs a face to face buddy system. Your stepmom isn't it. My dad knew as much as any dietitian, because he talked to so many of them, but he still needed a buddy system. I did what I could when I was in town, like grocery shopping for him when he couldn't and my stepmom wasn't around, and he knew I wouldn't buy anything his doctor wouldn't approve. They were on a tight budget, so they were stuck with my choices until the next paycheck
If I had lived close to my dad when his health began to decline, I would have asked to grocery shop all the time and help with meal planning. My stepmom would have hated that, though, so he probably would have said thanks, but no.
BTW I know that breathing you're talking about, the struggle. I can still hear and see my dad gasping for air, even with an oxygen mask, from CHF. Same thing for my stepmom with COPD. Maybe it is awfulizing on your part, but I also think it's awareness from a lot of experience.
I'm sending you all prayers and bunches of hugs.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
There is so much love in your writing. It really is very moving and beautiful.
In the most practical of ways to help:
My son ate fast food all through college and his bad habits caught up with his health. He had to change.
He discovered that if there is ready-made, grab and eat, great tasting healthy food in the fridge, that he will eat that instead of running to McDonalds. But it has to be right there and easy.
So, fruit bought at the grocery doesn't stay whole and unwashed. It gets right away washed and cut up in a big bowl so all he has to do is scoop it out and add whipped cream.
If deli meat is rolled up with cream cheese inside, and it's on a big plate in the fridge, he'll grab that instead of driving through Carl Jr's.
He has to have fast food in his fridge.
There are lots of ways to help someone eat better and it can be done by making sure the fridge always has easy tasty stuff that a person doesn't have to wash, chop, or cook--or even have to microwave-- when he's hungry. The key phrase is maybe "grab and gobble."
I do understand the fear of losing someone who has been your anchor. And if we have gone through some hard years or hard losses, we feel we just don't know how we could survive any more goodbyes, to people, or to a way of life.
So you have an exquisite appreciation now, as a result of the hospital visit, of your deep bond with him. It gives you an opportunity to connect, to ask him more about himself (there is so much I want now to ask my mother but her memories are fading). To talk about things you and he remember from years back when you were little. And to talk about what it might be fun to do in the future.
He sounds like a strong man, a survivor. One of those guys who lives way longer than anybody thinks he ever could.
He's lucky you care so very much. I bet he is so crazy about you, just can't say it. You know how dads can be.
Everything will be okay.
In the most practical of ways to help:
My son ate fast food all through college and his bad habits caught up with his health. He had to change.
He discovered that if there is ready-made, grab and eat, great tasting healthy food in the fridge, that he will eat that instead of running to McDonalds. But it has to be right there and easy.
So, fruit bought at the grocery doesn't stay whole and unwashed. It gets right away washed and cut up in a big bowl so all he has to do is scoop it out and add whipped cream.
If deli meat is rolled up with cream cheese inside, and it's on a big plate in the fridge, he'll grab that instead of driving through Carl Jr's.
He has to have fast food in his fridge.
There are lots of ways to help someone eat better and it can be done by making sure the fridge always has easy tasty stuff that a person doesn't have to wash, chop, or cook--or even have to microwave-- when he's hungry. The key phrase is maybe "grab and gobble."
I do understand the fear of losing someone who has been your anchor. And if we have gone through some hard years or hard losses, we feel we just don't know how we could survive any more goodbyes, to people, or to a way of life.
So you have an exquisite appreciation now, as a result of the hospital visit, of your deep bond with him. It gives you an opportunity to connect, to ask him more about himself (there is so much I want now to ask my mother but her memories are fading). To talk about things you and he remember from years back when you were little. And to talk about what it might be fun to do in the future.
He sounds like a strong man, a survivor. One of those guys who lives way longer than anybody thinks he ever could.
He's lucky you care so very much. I bet he is so crazy about you, just can't say it. You know how dads can be.
Everything will be okay.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Amy, my dad was diabetic, he ate all the wrong foods, cookies, candies and so on...I was concerned, however, it was his choice, he died at age 84...not from diabetes...but from lung cancer...go figure...if I had been on his back for the 25 years he had diabetes I would have driven both of us nuts and accomplished nothing...as he would have done what he wanted anyway.
I understand...you are a good daughter and only want the best for him.
I understand...you are a good daughter and only want the best for him.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
(((Amy)))
Just sending a hug because I know it's hard to be you under these circumstances.
Instead of "I wish my kids would just listen!" it becomes "I wish my parent would just listen."
Just do the best you can, say a prayer and let God take care of the rest. That's all anyone can do,
Big hugs
Just sending a hug because I know it's hard to be you under these circumstances.
Instead of "I wish my kids would just listen!" it becomes "I wish my parent would just listen."
Just do the best you can, say a prayer and let God take care of the rest. That's all anyone can do,
Big hugs
Guest
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 2,968
Amy I don't think this situation is about controlling or helping, it is about "caring".
My husband was diagnosed with CHF about 4 years ago, I found that it was all about acceptance that he had this disease and what my role was to help him get to the point of self care and acceptance for himself and myself.
I started to read alot about food, the good, the bad and the how too's. This helped him get started on to recovery. At times we need that someone that will show by example.
By this I mean that I also ate whatever was good for him as it was also was a benefit to myself.
We adjusted slowly as we became more knowledgeable with research.
He is a wonderful cook and I am the prep cook..however he did not want to deal with food any longer, he was and felt powerless at the beginning. I would suggest certain types of food and how we could make it tasty and wonderful to experiment..it worked.
Anything green at first is a good beginning..sometimes we would and still have a good chuckle as our plates at times have 2 or 3 green things along with something that was baked rather than fried.
Once a month or so we indulge in the forbidden and then we feel that we can carry on with the rest of the "good" stuff.
Don't over analyze due to fear..play with it as a new adventure..when you are together for a meal take some time to add all those missing greens that keep his heart healthy and soon enough he will be missing those good items when he doesn't have them for a few days and doesn't feel quite right.
I found that herbs add a lot of flavor rather than the salts as so many things already have far too much added for preservatives.
You can do this when you are together..he will come to love this new way in time and the results will be very noticeable.
Take care
lauren
My husband was diagnosed with CHF about 4 years ago, I found that it was all about acceptance that he had this disease and what my role was to help him get to the point of self care and acceptance for himself and myself.
I started to read alot about food, the good, the bad and the how too's. This helped him get started on to recovery. At times we need that someone that will show by example.
By this I mean that I also ate whatever was good for him as it was also was a benefit to myself.
We adjusted slowly as we became more knowledgeable with research.
He is a wonderful cook and I am the prep cook..however he did not want to deal with food any longer, he was and felt powerless at the beginning. I would suggest certain types of food and how we could make it tasty and wonderful to experiment..it worked.
Anything green at first is a good beginning..sometimes we would and still have a good chuckle as our plates at times have 2 or 3 green things along with something that was baked rather than fried.
Once a month or so we indulge in the forbidden and then we feel that we can carry on with the rest of the "good" stuff.
Don't over analyze due to fear..play with it as a new adventure..when you are together for a meal take some time to add all those missing greens that keep his heart healthy and soon enough he will be missing those good items when he doesn't have them for a few days and doesn't feel quite right.
I found that herbs add a lot of flavor rather than the salts as so many things already have far too much added for preservatives.
You can do this when you are together..he will come to love this new way in time and the results will be very noticeable.
Take care
lauren
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 127
I really like that englishgarden "grab and gobble"
I agree with many of the other posts. You can't make him do anything much like we can't make our addicts do anything.
I feel that knowledge is power and if your dad is willing to learn how to eat healthier than you could help him by offering some healthy food ideas. Meal planning and "grab and gobble" snacks is the key! Also what works for me is when going to the grocery store just don't even bring it home. If it's not in the house I can't eat it!
If your father is wanting the help than I don't feel that it's controlling. Just don't let it start controlling you!
I agree with many of the other posts. You can't make him do anything much like we can't make our addicts do anything.
I feel that knowledge is power and if your dad is willing to learn how to eat healthier than you could help him by offering some healthy food ideas. Meal planning and "grab and gobble" snacks is the key! Also what works for me is when going to the grocery store just don't even bring it home. If it's not in the house I can't eat it!
If your father is wanting the help than I don't feel that it's controlling. Just don't let it start controlling you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 61
Hi English Garden,
I realise that I'm a newbie around here, that this is a serious subject and that I may be ex-communicated before I'm even officially in-communicated but:
Priceless... I've been looking for a partner with those values for a very long time. ;-)
You're lovely.
I realise that I'm a newbie around here, that this is a serious subject and that I may be ex-communicated before I'm even officially in-communicated but:
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
The key phrase is maybe "grab and gobble."
Priceless... I've been looking for a partner with those values for a very long time. ;-)
You're lovely.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Impurrfect
I went to the grocery store and got all kinds of healthy stuff as my own eating habits are horrible, though I only need to lose about 15-20 pounds, not 50+ as he does.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Thank you all, SO much. I do love the "grab and gobble" and I actually did get those kinds of things yesterday. As we unpacked the groceries, I showed him that I was trying to teach him about "portion control" as his idea of anything is a LOT, and that I had gotten things that he can stick in his lunch box.
He loves watermelon and canteloupe - got the smaller size containers of slices of them. Loves broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, celery - got that in bigger bags that we can put in smaller bags for his lunch box. We all like Lean Cuisines, got a slew of them. I can't stand yogurt, but he likes it so I got the kind with fruit and whatever it is on that commercial where the lady is talking about "I had key lime pie" last night to satisfy his sweet tooth more healthy.
Stepmom was going to grill him some pork chops, but he found me some bookshelves on Craigslist and we went to get them. We were putting them in my room today and he said "oh, btw, I already took my pill"
I think it just took a couple days for me to settle down. I did the same thing when I found out my cat, Elvis, had FIV and leukemia - I was a wreck for a couple of days, convinced he was going to die right then and he's a lot skinnier, but still feisty as hell 2 years later.
Dad has asked for help, so I will share what I know and have no problem going to the grocery store for or with him because he goes crazy there. However, if he starts to get snappy or gives any indication that he's had enough of my input, I will back off.
I also just realized he and I have been talking about mom a lot, just little things that come up. He got all misty-eyed, the other day, telling me "you are so much like your mom..you care about people, so much, and you never meet a stranger" so duh, no wonder I've been a bit emotional about all this.
Now, I'm going to go give him a laugh and teach him about "grab and gobble"
Love you all!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
He loves watermelon and canteloupe - got the smaller size containers of slices of them. Loves broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, celery - got that in bigger bags that we can put in smaller bags for his lunch box. We all like Lean Cuisines, got a slew of them. I can't stand yogurt, but he likes it so I got the kind with fruit and whatever it is on that commercial where the lady is talking about "I had key lime pie" last night to satisfy his sweet tooth more healthy.
Stepmom was going to grill him some pork chops, but he found me some bookshelves on Craigslist and we went to get them. We were putting them in my room today and he said "oh, btw, I already took my pill"
I think it just took a couple days for me to settle down. I did the same thing when I found out my cat, Elvis, had FIV and leukemia - I was a wreck for a couple of days, convinced he was going to die right then and he's a lot skinnier, but still feisty as hell 2 years later.
Dad has asked for help, so I will share what I know and have no problem going to the grocery store for or with him because he goes crazy there. However, if he starts to get snappy or gives any indication that he's had enough of my input, I will back off.
I also just realized he and I have been talking about mom a lot, just little things that come up. He got all misty-eyed, the other day, telling me "you are so much like your mom..you care about people, so much, and you never meet a stranger" so duh, no wonder I've been a bit emotional about all this.
Now, I'm going to go give him a laugh and teach him about "grab and gobble"
Love you all!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Amy
It's very hard to watch a parent do something you know is going to kill them if they don't do something about it. But it's just like addiction, we can only work the program we wish they would.
My dad was my business partner, confidante and dearest friend. As such, he was part of my daily life. He had been a pilot (private) in his younger years. Very intelligent man. An engineer. At 74 years old, he decided he wanted to fly again. He couldn't pass the physical to renew his pilot license.....so he bought a small sport aircraft......an ultralight.....that doesn't require the physical. We all tried to talk him out of it. We saw disaster ahead. And it happened. His aircraft went down. He died instantly upon impact with the ground. He died on September 6, 2008. Twelve days later the economy hit a wall and our business began to spiral.
I was a mess. I didn't think I could continue to run our business without him. I was depressed and quite frankly I was pretty pi$$ed off at what he did. It was preventable.
Here we are three years later. The business is thriving and I am at peace with my father's death.
The reason I share this with you is that sometimes a person's lifestyle or choices are going to kill them and there's not a darned thing we can do about it. We can learn from their mistakes and take better care of ourselves. We can love them. We can demonstrate healthy choices. And that's about it.
Most importantly, we survive. I pray that your father begins to make the healthy choices that will help him live longer. And I pray that you find peace and serenity regardless of his choices.
I do understand the deep love you have for your father.
gentle hugs
ke
It's very hard to watch a parent do something you know is going to kill them if they don't do something about it. But it's just like addiction, we can only work the program we wish they would.
My dad was my business partner, confidante and dearest friend. As such, he was part of my daily life. He had been a pilot (private) in his younger years. Very intelligent man. An engineer. At 74 years old, he decided he wanted to fly again. He couldn't pass the physical to renew his pilot license.....so he bought a small sport aircraft......an ultralight.....that doesn't require the physical. We all tried to talk him out of it. We saw disaster ahead. And it happened. His aircraft went down. He died instantly upon impact with the ground. He died on September 6, 2008. Twelve days later the economy hit a wall and our business began to spiral.
I was a mess. I didn't think I could continue to run our business without him. I was depressed and quite frankly I was pretty pi$$ed off at what he did. It was preventable.
Here we are three years later. The business is thriving and I am at peace with my father's death.
The reason I share this with you is that sometimes a person's lifestyle or choices are going to kill them and there's not a darned thing we can do about it. We can learn from their mistakes and take better care of ourselves. We can love them. We can demonstrate healthy choices. And that's about it.
Most importantly, we survive. I pray that your father begins to make the healthy choices that will help him live longer. And I pray that you find peace and serenity regardless of his choices.
I do understand the deep love you have for your father.
gentle hugs
ke
it is what it is
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
amy - i'm sorry i'm so late coming into this - been caught up with work the last couple of weeks - it is so difficult when the roles change and it is the child having to take care of the parent - i think there is a difference here because one of the reasons we need to step back from our children and allow them to make their decisions is to keep from hindering their maturing process - on the other hand that is not an issue with our parents! -unless you count the second childhood thing i pray your father will continue to make good choices about his health and that you can take care of him in a healthy way for both of you - remember to take care of yourself! love you - debra
i pray your father will continue to make good choices about his health and that you can take care of him in a healthy way for both of you - remember to take care of yourself! love you - debra
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((Amy)))))
I do NOT think you are being controlling. It is concern, and having a medical background makes us even more vigilant.
When my dad was diagnosed with CHF, it was 5 years after I said he had it, but he had a 'Quack' for a Dr (one of many at that time in Florida). By the time he finally got the diagnosis he also had lower circulatory problems and was getting celluitis (yeah like I have right now) but it wasn't getting cleared up. I finally took time, from my clients here and flew to Florida. I went with him to his next 'wound care' appt. He, btw, didn't want me to, because I think he knew what was going to happen and it did.
Right from the get go, they put him in this recliner chair, never put clean sterile drapes on the chair (who knew what infections had been there before him) and started to unwrap his legs. This was before cameras in cell phones, but for some reason my camera was in my purse and I started snapping pictures, after I had the CNA STOP.
Now, when I go into my 'mama lion' mode I admit I can be a bit overwhelming, and when I go into my 'medical mama lion' mode look out. Yes my voice was raised but I was not yelling YET. Dr stuck his head in to find out what was going on and boy did he regret that one. I let him know in no uncertain terms that I now had proof of their lack of sanitary procedures and in addition my father's word that this is how they always do it. That his clinics 'practices' would not be tolerated in New Mexico and I knew for a fact that they were not acceptable to Florida. I let him know that he was killing my father and when we got home I would be reporting him to Tallahassee and enclosing pictures. I went toe to toe with the MD (whooppee, another Quack) and let him know that I treated my client's pets better than he was treating his patients.
Amazing, that I went to every appointment with him the 3 weeks I was there, and by the time I had to come back to NM his legs were practically healed, the best they had looked in a year.
Now because of the CHF and bad circulation in the lower extremities his skin had, of course, gotten much thinner. He tripped about 6 months after that, got a small cut on his right lower shin, and here we go again, even though mom was very careful to clean it, she said the way I showed her, and I am sure she did, but I know how quick celluitis can take hold (boy do I know, sheesh). Back to the wound clinic, it was the only one that was on the Humana approved list that was less than 80 miles away.
Dad came back from his first appointment and called me saying they were back doing what they did before. I immediately put a call into the MD who was 'too busy' to take my call. I told the person who took the message that he had exactly 15 minutes to get unbusy and if he was not calling me back within that time I would be on the phone to Tallahassee. Guess what he called me back. That got straightened out.
About another 6 months and there was a new Wound Clinic that dad started going to and I must say their procedures were 5000% better than the other one.
I still feel the ire rising in me when I recall this. Was I controlling or was I caring and compassionate toward and for a father I loved dearly? Even my recent stint in the hospital here, going through the IV antibiotics, and still on them by pill now for 5 more days, I am not the best patient. I was talking with my doctor, as I my head was again clearing with full hydration and saying how we in the medical field (even if retired) make the worse patients and he chuckled and said yep that and the patient who has family in the medical field to fight for them.
Not medical advice, but some cautions. With all the driving he does (sitting down) he really needs to get the circulation in his lower extremities checked regularly and he needs to be checked for clots (ultra sound of legs) regularly (phlebitis).
There are several cookbooks out there, I'll look for the names of the good ones, that are about 'southern foods' made heart healthy. ie there is a recipe for skinless chicken baked on a rack that comes out tasting like pretty good fried chicken. A whole batch can be made up, and he can have a piece of baked (fried) chicken with his lunch and his veggies. I also have a very lowfat way of making Ranch Dressing if you want it.
It will be slow, and yes work the program you would like him to. Ie you eat right, you buy the right foods, show your stepmom how to make some new recipes and see where it goes.
You have it better than I did, you are not 1800 miles away, you see him daily and can spot a change in color, a slight limp, etc.
I will repeat, I M H O you are NOT controlling. Please keep doing what you are doing!!!!!
sorry for the length, but when I get going it's hard to shut me up, lol
Lots of love and bunches of hugs,
I do NOT think you are being controlling. It is concern, and having a medical background makes us even more vigilant.
When my dad was diagnosed with CHF, it was 5 years after I said he had it, but he had a 'Quack' for a Dr (one of many at that time in Florida). By the time he finally got the diagnosis he also had lower circulatory problems and was getting celluitis (yeah like I have right now) but it wasn't getting cleared up. I finally took time, from my clients here and flew to Florida. I went with him to his next 'wound care' appt. He, btw, didn't want me to, because I think he knew what was going to happen and it did.
Right from the get go, they put him in this recliner chair, never put clean sterile drapes on the chair (who knew what infections had been there before him) and started to unwrap his legs. This was before cameras in cell phones, but for some reason my camera was in my purse and I started snapping pictures, after I had the CNA STOP.
Now, when I go into my 'mama lion' mode I admit I can be a bit overwhelming, and when I go into my 'medical mama lion' mode look out. Yes my voice was raised but I was not yelling YET. Dr stuck his head in to find out what was going on and boy did he regret that one. I let him know in no uncertain terms that I now had proof of their lack of sanitary procedures and in addition my father's word that this is how they always do it. That his clinics 'practices' would not be tolerated in New Mexico and I knew for a fact that they were not acceptable to Florida. I let him know that he was killing my father and when we got home I would be reporting him to Tallahassee and enclosing pictures. I went toe to toe with the MD (whooppee, another Quack) and let him know that I treated my client's pets better than he was treating his patients.
Amazing, that I went to every appointment with him the 3 weeks I was there, and by the time I had to come back to NM his legs were practically healed, the best they had looked in a year.
Now because of the CHF and bad circulation in the lower extremities his skin had, of course, gotten much thinner. He tripped about 6 months after that, got a small cut on his right lower shin, and here we go again, even though mom was very careful to clean it, she said the way I showed her, and I am sure she did, but I know how quick celluitis can take hold (boy do I know, sheesh). Back to the wound clinic, it was the only one that was on the Humana approved list that was less than 80 miles away.
Dad came back from his first appointment and called me saying they were back doing what they did before. I immediately put a call into the MD who was 'too busy' to take my call. I told the person who took the message that he had exactly 15 minutes to get unbusy and if he was not calling me back within that time I would be on the phone to Tallahassee. Guess what he called me back. That got straightened out.
About another 6 months and there was a new Wound Clinic that dad started going to and I must say their procedures were 5000% better than the other one.
I still feel the ire rising in me when I recall this. Was I controlling or was I caring and compassionate toward and for a father I loved dearly? Even my recent stint in the hospital here, going through the IV antibiotics, and still on them by pill now for 5 more days, I am not the best patient. I was talking with my doctor, as I my head was again clearing with full hydration and saying how we in the medical field (even if retired) make the worse patients and he chuckled and said yep that and the patient who has family in the medical field to fight for them.
Not medical advice, but some cautions. With all the driving he does (sitting down) he really needs to get the circulation in his lower extremities checked regularly and he needs to be checked for clots (ultra sound of legs) regularly (phlebitis).
There are several cookbooks out there, I'll look for the names of the good ones, that are about 'southern foods' made heart healthy. ie there is a recipe for skinless chicken baked on a rack that comes out tasting like pretty good fried chicken. A whole batch can be made up, and he can have a piece of baked (fried) chicken with his lunch and his veggies. I also have a very lowfat way of making Ranch Dressing if you want it.
It will be slow, and yes work the program you would like him to. Ie you eat right, you buy the right foods, show your stepmom how to make some new recipes and see where it goes.
You have it better than I did, you are not 1800 miles away, you see him daily and can spot a change in color, a slight limp, etc.
I will repeat, I M H O you are NOT controlling. Please keep doing what you are doing!!!!!
sorry for the length, but when I get going it's hard to shut me up, lol
Lots of love and bunches of hugs,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Thank you all, so very much!! I have good news to report! All THREE of us have eaten healthier since I posted this than we ever had (though stepmom is craving fried food). She has fixed us healthy dinners at night, dad even went to Sam's club, by himself (I had to do school work) and came back with healthy food, in portion sizes (something I've been explaining to him).
I'd lost 3 pounds by Tue., am only going to weigh myself once a week. I've seen him munching on broccoli, a small bag of pretzels, a few graham crackers if he's hungry. I've made myself eat 3 meals a day (I usually only eat one) and am never hungry.
Dad was reading the label of something, yesterday, and he just looks at calories, so I showed him how it's very important to look at the fat grams, too. He's been taking his medicine every day. He was grinning, last night, said "I did have an ice cream sandwich" and I said "a pudding cup" as that was one that I had gotten and he said "yep"
He didn't understand why he needs to see a cardiologist and GI dr., so I explained why his dr. can't do the workup he needs, though he can tell him who he recommends.
My car has been in the shop for 9 days. I have 2 awesome mechanics, so I explained to dad that though Dave is a transmission man, and can do a lot of repairs on my car, the car computer is not his thing, so I had to take it to Carl. Just like his van - only certain mechanics can work on it because it's a special engine.
Now he understands. I also told him I'd be glad to offer suggestions and stuff, but if he got tired of hearing it, just tell me and I'll back off. So far, so good...he's even been looking up recipes on the computer?
I know it's only been a few days, but it's like we're all 3 working as a team, and it's pretty darned cool
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
I'd lost 3 pounds by Tue., am only going to weigh myself once a week. I've seen him munching on broccoli, a small bag of pretzels, a few graham crackers if he's hungry. I've made myself eat 3 meals a day (I usually only eat one) and am never hungry.
Dad was reading the label of something, yesterday, and he just looks at calories, so I showed him how it's very important to look at the fat grams, too. He's been taking his medicine every day. He was grinning, last night, said "I did have an ice cream sandwich" and I said "a pudding cup" as that was one that I had gotten and he said "yep"
He didn't understand why he needs to see a cardiologist and GI dr., so I explained why his dr. can't do the workup he needs, though he can tell him who he recommends.
My car has been in the shop for 9 days. I have 2 awesome mechanics, so I explained to dad that though Dave is a transmission man, and can do a lot of repairs on my car, the car computer is not his thing, so I had to take it to Carl. Just like his van - only certain mechanics can work on it because it's a special engine.
Now he understands. I also told him I'd be glad to offer suggestions and stuff, but if he got tired of hearing it, just tell me and I'll back off. So far, so good...he's even been looking up recipes on the computer?
I know it's only been a few days, but it's like we're all 3 working as a team, and it's pretty darned cool
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
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