Attempted Rape
 

My girlfriend is a heroin addict. I've been with her almost a year, and dealing with the addiction for the last 6 months. She's in out-patient treatment after being in a residential treatment center for a month, and after 2 months clean she's been in relapse for the last 2+ weeks. Despite all her claims of wanting to stop and be clean, things have gotten worse than ever before. She started stealing from me (i'm unable to pay my rent/bills in full this month because of it)...and last night we had dinner at a friend's house (the last 2 people who haven't removed themselves from our life), and she got high at their home. I asked her to leave because of it, attempting to maintain a boundary regardless of the fact that it was late at night. Not even a half hour later, she texted me that she was at the park and she was scared. Some man had followed her there and was staring at her from a distance and it scared her and she didn't know where to go. I thought she was making it up so i'd let her come home. I told her i knew she was scared, and i was sorry that she was but that she would be ok. And i told her i love her. Within 20 minutes of that conversation she was back at my door banging on it frantically. She had blood running down her head, on her hands, dirt, scratches, leaves stuck to her, shaking and crying. That man had attacked her, and tried raping her. I almost died. I called 911. They came and took a report, took us to the park so she could show them where and how it happened, medical exam, photos...all the while i feel like i just threw her to the wolves. My heart hurts, my head hurts, i'm tired, and i just don't know what else to do, but i'll never put her out on the street again. :cries3:

How do you know she didn't injure herself to manipulate you? You trust an addict?

WOW...

YES, i do.

And clearly this is not the place i need to be for help.

hi and welcome,

you will find lots of friends and support here from people that are going through the same things. Im sorry your to hear your gf is an addict and what happened with the attempted rape and all, i can understand why you would feel bad , but also try to remember that she choose this way of life, the life of an addict and continues to do so, dont be hard on yourself you only reacted by telling her to leave because she did not respect your boundaries, anyway hope you stick around there is alot of good help here , take care

Maybe you took Jeff the wrong way. I think Jeff came to a reasonable possible conclusion. It was a question not a judgement. You did mention "She started stealing from me" and "I thought she was making it up". Hope you figure this out. If you want sympathy and empathy you got it in spades here. I don't know what the best solution is for your situation. Can you get her back into some kind of inpatient rehab program? Does she want to quit?

What a horrible thing for both you and your girlfriend.
I'm not doubting what happened; it wasn't safe for her to be alone late at night in the park; she is fortunate that it didn't end worse.

Obviously you feel guilty because you asked her to leave, and thought she was crying wolf.... But you had no way of knowing what would happen.

Ideally this horrible event would motivate her to seek help again for her addiction. But no matter what you do that decision has to come from within her. When she realizes the consequences of what she is doing to her life.

I'm new to the forum, came here because of my BF ....but if you stick around a while and read ... There is some very useful tools here.
But please keep in mind people on this forum share their experiences and Some have been through a lot... More than I can even imagine.
So all of our personal experiences are reflected in the replies you receive.

Take what you can use; leave the rest, or file it away for the future.

My prayers are with you both.
Kelley

Hello and welcome to SR! First I just want to say that what Jeff said is a very harsh statement but I'm sure he didn't mean it the way it came off. There are people here who have had many horrible experiences with the addicts in their life and sadly this is a length that an addict would to go to manipulate the situation. That being said, I'm not saying at all that she made it all up and caused the harm to herself. It is awful what happened to her and my heart aches for both of you but you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You had no way of knowing that was going happen. Like lonelystar said, you were just setting a boundary for yourself to protect yourself and there was nothing wrong with doing that. You had no control over what happened to her and thank god this man wasn't successful and she managed to get away. Please don't be so quick to turn your back on this site, it really is a great place to be for help and support. A lot of people will be straight forward and not sugar coat anything and sometimes it can be hard to hear what they have to say but they are just trying to help you see the situation from every angle, I'm sure they are not trying to offend you by any means. Just stick around and give it a chance, you might be surprised. Again I am so sorry for what you are going through and for what happened to your girlfriend, you both are in my thoughts and prayers

The lifestyle my son was living included several violent assaults that I know of. He always had a 'story' about how it happened- who did it and why. Once he got clean I found out that some of the time he had been truthful and other times not. In the big picture it didn't really matter- the end result was the same

What I came to learn was that his choices got him into those situations and the details or the truth of how these things occured didn't matter. Most times he was in a bad place at a bad time doing things he shouldn't have been doing.

I know how frightening it is to see somebody I love all beaten up & bleeding. It happened once outside an entryway to my home. It was just one more straw on the camel's back leading to his finding another place to live. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Whether she's telling the truth or not- there is no excuse for anyone to harm another. The truth remains that addicts will lie to maintain their status quo.

I hope you can attend some meetings. Al-Anon for direct support and some open NA or AA speaker meetings to learn more about this disease are a good place to start.

I hope you'll reconsider that last part, otherwise you might as well say "I'll never have boundaries again" when it comes to her.

In case you're thinking I'm being cold hearted, that couldn't be further from the truth. My qualifier is my 24 year old recovering IV opiate addict daughter, she's been to hell and back several times, and I don't know even a tenth of the horror stories.

My daughter would tell you that's the kind of stuff that happens when you're an active addict. I imagine all of the RA's here on this forum would probably say the same thing.

Every time I sent my daughter out the door, I knew the potential for horrific disaster. It shred my insides, I cannot describe the pain any better than that. The only reason I had the courage and strength to do what I needed for me, was because of something asked of me by my RAD's first addictionologist:

Imagine your worst fear coming true. Now what happens to you?

Whatever happens to ANY of my loved ones, it is not happening to ME.

You had a boundary and presumably she knew the consequence. She made a choice, no different than her choosing to move out and the same thing happened.

Now what happens to you? What are you going to do to heal yourself from her tragedy?

I'm so sorry that this happened. I see that you are experiencing lots of guilt and pain over this, but the attempted rape is NOT your fault. Thank goodness she wasn't murdered, many women aren't so lucky.

You STILL need to maintain boundaries no matter what happens.

I'm hoping for her sake that this horrible experience makes her committed to sobriety.

I'm so sorry this happened. I have to say, though, that I'm a recovering addict (and recovering codie with loved ones who are addicts) and I was raped, beaten and other things.

It still did not stop me from getting right back out there and doing it again.

Though I understand your feelings of guilt, when people lie and take advantage of us and our feelings, it's hard to know when they're telling the truth.

My exbf continued his crack use and died in a crack house because it was more important to keep using than go to a dr. - he had pneumonia. Though it saddened me, greatly, I know that had I been right there (and I was a nurse before my addiction ended that), I could not have saved him.

This site has helped me, a lot, not only in my addiction recovery, but moreso in dealing with loved ones who keep using. I hope you continue to read and post.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

If you are still reading the forum, missgardenarm:

There is a Nar-Anon meeting in the Portland Area and everyone there is dealing with the same challenges you are, trying to figure out how to live with drug addicts in their lives. If you google "Nar-Anon", you'll link to Portland and you'll find the meeting. It is in Oregon City. You really should attend, if you plan on never putting her out again. You'll be in for the long haul and you'll need a lot of education about not enabling her disease. The last thing your friend needs is an active boundary-less enabler in her life.

Addicts live on the dark side. They are often victims of assault as a result. And often, they are the assailants,

Good luck with good boundaries.

Heroin was my daughter's drug of choice. The daily grind for most heroin addicts goes something like this:

Wake up dope sick
Manipulate friends/family* to obtain $, and/or
Steal from friends/family*, and or
Steal from anyone, and/or
Hit the pawn shop if necessary, and
Score the drug **, and
Shoot, snort or pack dope**.
Repeat cycle every 4-8 hours

* Friends/family because they are the least likely to call the Police and press charges

**Usually puts the drug seeker at a substanitally higher risk of being in the worng place at the wrong time and/or at significant risk to an OD

I tried like crazy to keep my daughter safe and prevent her from experiencing the harsh consequences of her addiction, aka enabled her. I might as well have scored the dope myself and fixed her up. There was no reason for her to consider alterntatives, so long as I was taking care of her basic needs and remained the primary target for theft.

Consider giving her the gift of dignity to experience the consequences of her choices. Until then, there is no hope for change.

I had an alcoholic bf a few years ago who was frequently assaulted and mugged 'because he was disabled' and therefore a target, that is he needed a walking stick due to paralysis from a major stroke.

He called me on numerous occasions, crying and needing help so I dropped everything to go and help him patch himself up. He never reported it to the police which at the time should have been a red flag but love can be deaf as well as blind.

During a meetup with his ex, who was a friend of mine, I was informed that he self-harmed on a regular basis and with the convenience of being numb on the right side of his body, he would injure and mutilate it. A week after a major ab operation he undid the staples and called her to tell her he was bleeding to death and she did the same things I did. Basically, stroking his victimised ego.

One day he had a petty mal seizure (supposedly) so I put my suspicions to the test. I moved all hard and sharp objects away from him and laid cushions on the floor. I timed his seizure according to the First Aid training I had done. When two minutes came I picked up the phone to dial 000 for an ambulance and he miraculously snapped out of it and into the real world again.:tapping

The next time he called me with a tale of woe and distress with yet another stolen wallet and keys (how on earth did he get back into his house to use the phone?) I told him to call the police or an undertaker. The choice was entirely his.

She doesn't want to do residential treatment again, and she says she does want to quit. And i believe she does, but i see her in a place of wishing it would happen without all the work that goes with it...i know she wishes she could just stop on her own and just "be normal" (like she often says). I know when she's ******* up it makes her feel like a piece of ****, which just makes her want to use...which i see is just a vicious cycle.

I keep praying something will click for her. :worried:

As far as Jeff's questions, maybe his intention was something other than what came across, but considering the situation i found it completely offensive. It could have been asked in so many different ways, and i'm not suggesting that it isn't a reasonable inquiry, it just wasn't what i was looking to be blasted with...a response seeming to lack all concern, care, or sympathy. I read here a lot, and i haven't said much thus far, but i wasn't expecting that - though i am so grateful for everything and everyone who responded afterwards...very much.

I know...that is truth.
It's just hard, i love her so very much.
I will continue to work on defining and maintaining safe and respectful boundaries, and that's easier to say today with a little distance from what happened and the caring feedback i've gotten here...and this afternoon i'll get to a meeting to strengthen all of this...

Thank you...the nar-anon meeting is really far out for me, unfortunately. I've been going to al-anon meetings a couple times a week though, and i attend educational support groups once a week through her treatment center. Our couples counselor and her corrections counselor both told me i could just replace "alcohol" with anything that was relevant for me. I'm working on it, and learning. One day at a time, as they say.

You're awesome! I was just looking at the last post where you share what you are doing for you, and wanting to understand the situation for both you and your GF.

I am so sorry that she had that horrible experience and of course you felt guilty, any of us would. When tragedies occur we all wrack our brains thinking of something we might have done to prevent it, the sense of being out of control and vulnerable to such experiences is horrifying to all of us.

But the sad truth is this, as adults, even as addicts (I am a recovering addict) we make choices for ourselves. And sometimes we make misguided ones. And there are consequences for our choices...for ourselves and those who love us.

Here is a line from a song that I find very telling "A pill to make you numb, a pill to make you dumb, a pill to make you anybody else but all the drugs in this world, can't save her from herself"

Yeah, that was me. Nothing anyone said or did could save or protect me from myself. I used the blame and guilt angles plenty. "This wouldn't have happened if YOU had..." fill in the blank. But the truth was the stuff happened because of MY choices.

I blamed my husband for not intervening when I put myself into a coma...but um it was ME who put me into a coma. I chose to, didn't need to, no one had a gun to my head, he didn't tell me to...but I wanted to somehow make him responsible for my well being.

When I was using I did a crapload of stupid stuff. Wandering around high in cemeteries in the middle of the night dancing on graves...yeah, that was real safe huh? If I had gotten attacked, robbed, raped or killed it really wouldn't have been my husband's fault for not chaining me to the bed so I wouldn't sneak out.

I am not unsympathetic to you or your GF's situation. I know it is sometimes an impossible one. It is simply unfair and unrealistic for HER to put you into a position of having to safeguard her when all of her own behavior places her into danger, and it is unfair for YOU to feel you should or can safeguard her. You can't, nor should you be expected to.

One day I had some miraculous objective glimpse of what a total **** I'd become and I decided I needed to do something about it. I got into recovery. I relapsed, but I knew that I had to make a change because I wasn't going to outrun the devil for very much longer. I truly believe that I am on the road to recovery for good. Returning to that way of life isn't an option for me any longer.

I hope that your GF has that miraculous moment for herself. Because only she can save her from herself.

Just the thought of that is creeping me out!

I'm so sorry that this series of events is happening to you and your girlfriend.

Unfortunately addicts often put themselves in serious danger and they don't think too much about it. In some strange way, they are eternal optimists. I think they truly believe (denial?) that "it" will never happen to them. And when "it" does, they think that lightening will never strike twice.

A few motns ago, my AS was beaten (pistol whipped) and the gun went off but the bullet didn't hit him. His skull took some serious blows and his hands did too. His index finger was crushed as he tried to protect himself from a vicious attack. I share this because I do understand how you feel. Seeing someone you love bleeding and hurt is a terrible thing to witness. We imagine the scene in our heads--no one should ever have to see that happen to someone they love.

So...how do I deal with the knowledge at he is out there. Homeless. Sleeping in his car. Putting himself into circumstances that could kill him. I have to turn to acceptance. I have to accept the possibility that he will die. Not obsess or think that I can see the future but actually accept that death is a very real possibility. It's not easy.

I love him when I see him. I use compassion when I can. But I maintain my boundaries. There are some things that I simply can't live with. I say what I mean, mean what I say and do my very best not to say it mean.

You and your girlfriend are in my prayers. I am thankful that the situation did not play out in an even more devastating manner.

gentle hugs
ke

KE, I am working on this within myself. I allowed myself to admit that the possibility exists that my son may die as a result of his addiction. Whether from the places he goes, situations he puts himself in, or the choice he makes to comsume large quantities of other pharmaceuticals along with his methadone. I know that's a recipe for death, and my AS is well educated in addiction and in medicine, so he knows it as well.

It sounds like missgardenarm is in a place where I was a few years back. My AS was out on the streets, and one day he came to the door so piteful that I swore to myself I'd never put him out again. In short order, I learned I didn't have the power to change squat in his life, because things went immediately back to his 'normal' , which is active use, denial, apologies, promises, more manipulation, all kinds of reasons/injuries to go to the ER, now he's into getting MRI's for his 'back pain'. I guess in a warped sense, I stuck to my word about not putting him out, but I left. Just up and ran away from home so to speak and left him there.

My prayers are with you. You're in for a long, hard road, living with an addict.

Thank you Threshold, i really love hearing feedback from addicts. I've gone to open NA and AA meetings with her a handful of times and i'm always floored, and usually cry! And i don't mean because listening to them is sad...i mean that they often fill me with hope and show me what's possible, and considering the things they've often done, the bravery and honesty is incredibly inspiring.

I'm no saint, but i'm no addict. At least not substances. But i think we all have emotional habits we're addicted to (at least i do), and i know how those alone are sooo hard to become conscience of and modify. So in a sense i can relate and i have a lot of compassion. I believe very much in a person's ability to turn their life around in areas that cause themselves and others harm. So again, thank you very much for sharing, and i wish you all the strength and courage in the world on your continued journey...:hug:

Thank you for posting and letting us know that it is possible our loved ones (and us) will have a life again!

The guilt for not being able to rescue our loved ones is so much to bear sometimes. Sadly, all of the love in the world can not save them.
You are a protective person and as a mother I am too. My son has put me through so much and I kept trying, trying, and trying. This time I finally understand it is his life and his choice, that does not make me love him less, it does help me through the day.
She will continue to steal from you so I would find a way to put the money for your rent etc., where it is not possible for her to steal it. A drug user will steal everything you have and think nothing of it, and possibly not remember doing it lol!!
At the present time my son is homeless and I do not know where he is, no money, no friends, and family relations are strained. The things I imagine may be happening are very scary, yet I know that the only way for my son to understand that he needs treatment is for the life he is leading to get unbearable.
To use at a friends house and cross the boundaries you have set shows how much control of her the drug has.
I practice detachment and turning it over to a Higher Power daily. Bless you and yours my friend. We are all hurting and looking for answers or we would not be on the forum!

(((missgardenarm))) - Back when I was using, I didn't want to quit either. What I wanted was to do what I wanted and not have any consequences. Bad stuff would happen, I'd get an idea that maybe this wasn't such a good idea, this life I had chosen, but then I'd get high, forget about it and tell myself "one of these days I'll quit".

Luckily, actions come with consequences, like it or not. It took quite a few before I truly realized that things were just going to get worse. Honestly, when I did quit and chose recovery? I still didn't want to quit. I said what your daughter says - I wanted to be "normal" and not be an addict. My brain was thinking I could get some clean time, then use "occasionally" even though I've never met a recreational crack user.

Basically, I wanted my cake and eat it too. I even tried it for a year. I ended up relapsing big-time for a couple of weeks, almost got killed AGAIN, and was facing prison. Even then, I had to pray to be willing to be willing to not want crack.

I'm really glad that you are reaching out for support both here and f2f. It's a long road, this recovery thing, and I came into it kicking and screaming because I wanted to do it MY way. I'm very grateful for all the people here because it hasn't always been easy, is often downright hard, but everyone here gets it.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

I've heard this from her as well, she tells me that's how she felt last time she quit...when she went to prison for a year. She says she no longer feels that way, that she's learned that's not possible. And i see what i believe is the problem...she's a big time stuffer of feelings. And she's continuing to do that on a lot of levels to avoid pain (but still the pain is there, she's just not very willing to get into the work to examine it rationally, and process it), and then as a result of what's festering, numbs it with heroin. She's making slow progress because of it...and it's very hard to watch.

Thank you for the support, feedback, and hope. <3

PS: She's my partner, not my daughter. ;)