support4life

I have been dating my boyfriend for a year now. We are both 23 years old living in NYC. When we met he explained he was addicted to oxys for about 2 years but has stopped and is living a sober life.. i believed him.Let me begin by saying, he is the most amazing man I have ever met, he is the sweetest and most loving person and i truly am in love with him.. About a month ago, I caught him snorting. He said he has never stopped and has manipulated and betrayed me our entire relationship. He pleaded and cried and swore that he will never touch the drug ever again and do whatever it takes to not lose me and ultimately his life. I believed him again.. Today he admitted he has been using for a few days and stole from his parents to buy the drugs( he lost his job due to drugs). So here I am, numb and lifeless.. million thoughts are going through my head.. How can I let the one I love slip away?, How can I just leave him without my support? But also, I don't want to live this kind of life, I don't want to live with a drug addict.. I need some advise, I am dying inside. He swore AGAIN that its over and should of went to rehab the first time he quit and knows now he can't do it himself and will take a drug test every weed and the great words " I swear this time im done".. and "I can't do this without you" Where do I stand? Please provide some insight, what can I do to help him the most.. I do love him. He will be going to an outpatient program and attending meetings regularly. Do I stay with him again through this process or do I let him fly without me?

thank you for listening and please keep us in your prayers

Krystal32

Hi support4life and welcome to SR. I am so sorry for what you are going through right now but you are in the right place. First I'm going to say that I have a fiance that is in rehab right now and he is also addicted to painkillers. We have been together for 3 years and we have a son together and a daughter on the way. I know exactly how you feel, it's so hard when you love him so much. I can't tell you whether you should stay or leave, no one on here can really tell you what to do but we can offer our support and give you some guidence. I am still fairly new on here and there are so many people who have much more experience in what you are dealing with but I will offer to you what I have learned in the short amount of time since I've joined this site. First, the space that I have gotten from my fiance has given me the chance to see things for what they really are. I have had the chance to learn a lot about my own codependency issues and it has helped me to see that there is a whole other world outside of his addiction. While I have chosen to stay with him and support him, I'm doing so with boundaries that I have put in place for myself so I won't get pulled back down with him should things go wrong. The lies and the manipulation go hand in hand with the addiction and none of it will stop until your boyfriend is really ready to make it stop. I can't tell you how many times I was told those exact same words that was said to you "I swear I'm done. I can't do this without you" But the truth is he can't do it on his own, that's impossible and I learned that the hard way. The only person that can help him get sober is himself, there's nothing you can say or do that's going to make him change. There is plenty of information on this forum about codependency, I would strongly suggest checking that out. This would be a great time for you to focus on yourself and let him do what he needs to do. I know it's hard but believe me, it will help you so much. Many people on here have fantastic advice to offer, while some of it can be hard to swallow, they really do know what they are talking about. Just keep an open heart and leave yourself open to suggestions and hang in there, it does get better. You and your boyfriend are in my thoughts and prayers

Krystal32

Let me clarify what I meant by he can't do it on his own. I meant that he needs the professional help, whether that be rehab or an outpatient program and meetings. He's not going to get the help that he needs from you, I had convinced myself that I was all that my fiance needed. As long as I stuck by him and loved him with all that I had he would get better but that couldn't have been further from the truth.

dollydo

If he wants recovery he will seek it on his own and his support will come from fellow members in his group.

Read all the stickeys at the top of this forum, and get your hands on Codependent No More, you are codependent and nothing in this relationship will ever be right until you both get healthy.

He has lied to you since day one, addicts ALL lie, is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?

IMHO you are way too young to hand your future over to an addict. He will be an addict all his life, there is no cure for this disease, it is only a matter of whether he is clean or not.

Read around this forum, you are not alone, there is nothing unique about your BF, he is just doing what addicts do.

EnglishGarden

You do not have to take drastic measures right now if you haven't the conviction to do so. Doing something like walking away from someone we love is drastic for us, and we cannot do it just because outsiders tell us we should. We have to believe in our gut that we are making the right choice.

So, can you find a middle ground? Can you suspend the relationship temporarily to allow him the total focus he needs to get clean and sober and for you to simultaneously go to Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings weekly, making yourself ready for whatever happens next in your relationship? Because if you want a committed relationship with a drug addict, you MUST have some kind of treatment recovery ongoing yourself. It is a fact.

Each of you can buy some paper, envelopes and stamps and have an old-fashioned relationship--a weekly hello in the mail--while he engages in the hard, rigorous and painful work of achieving sobriety. It will be a rough ride for him and the last thing he needs is to be trying to work out things with you. He needs no flaming codependents in his way, and for sure you will be one. It's just what happens, in addiction.

I would suspend the relationship for six months, and correspond by letter. It will give you both a good chance to grow in your individual--not entwined--ways.

Good luck. I truly hope it works out for you both!

bluebelle

My RABF was addicted to oxy's. His addiction continued for 7 years until he got clean for 7 months. Then, he relapsed for awhile before becoming clean for the last 2 years. I'm telling you this so that you realize that it can be a long process. It is not like they can just get off the drugs and everything will be o.k. They need to do a lot of work on themselves.

It sounds like you are saying that your bf is telling you one thing, but doing another. So, I would suggest that you pay attention to his actions, not his words. If your boyfriend wants to get clean, he will have to do it on his own. It has to be his own decision. Therefore, whether or not you stay with him is not going to be his turning point.

We've all heard the confessions from drug addicts--oh, I'm having all this trouble, I'm going to get clean, etc. The trick is whether or not they will follow through. My RABF told me those things quite a few times before he actually got help and started to the work to be clean.

The best thing you can do is work on your own life. You can take care of yourself--be with friends, exercise, meditate--whatever you need to do for you. Maybe, you are already doing that. However, in my case, I got so worried about my RABF and his drug use, that I wasn't taking care of myself.

It can be very stressful to be told one thing, and then see other actions. It can make you feel like you are going crazy. That's a normal feeling in this case. You start to doubt yourself. This is a good website to find information.

gorrie

AB does have to be able to do this without you. Doesn't mean that has to do it without you. But he needs to be able to say "regardless of if you stay with me I AM GOING TO WORK ON MY RECOVERY AND SOBERITY"

There are alot of different trains of thought on addiction and recovery. I agree that there is no cure for addiction, but with the right treatment addiction can go into remission. The addiction will come back if the treatment isn't continued during remission though.

I have met many truly recovering addicts, (not just dry drunks) - They have such a love for life. They appreciate every day for what it is, "a gift."

Once an addict always an addict is true. It does not mean they will never recover and be that awesome human being they were meant to be.

Whether you are standing behind him during his recovery is your choice in the end. Just make sure are you working on you during this time though. Just like him you need to be able to say, "WHETHER ARE NOT YOU ARE IN RECOVERY, I AM GOING TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR ME."

amyy

support4life -
i just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. i'm in a similar situation. i think that it's important to have consequences because otherwise they will just continue relying on you being there and not truly seek help for themselves..

i stayed with my boyfriend when he did an outpatient program and also went to meetings with him and it really helped him. it also helped me but only to learn more about the disease and that what i was feeling was normal. however, it was only temporary and now i regret not getting help for myself and taking that space. reality has a tendency to catch up with you. you can only take it for so long.

do what feels right for you but be aware that it takes time..

Pock89

This is so true!!!

Pock89

This is so true!!

lesliej

after I had removed every possible tangible way of "enabling" my ex it became my love for him itself which enabled him...
and he has eventually used my love to twist it back as blame... and then hide behind spiritual principles having to with love (to try to draw me back in) that he can parrot like a master manipulator.

be very careful of your perception of love and its "power".
the best theater has both comedy and tragedy, and we can not all be so unique as to think that those plays are only about "other" people

FindingJoy

For two years I've probably heard the words "I PROMISE this time is different..I'm truly surrendering this time" QUACK QUACK QUACK

The last I know of 8 weeks ago when I left him he is still lying to his sponsor his AA friend his mom me and himself.

Oh and he claims to be 6 months sober.