Aftereffects of Emotional Abuse :gaah
 

It's funny...

It's only now I can look back at my time with my XAGF and see it for what it truly was: emotional abuse. Unapologetic emotional abuse.

Of course, I didn't see it clearly while going through it. But the events in my life from 3 weeks ago have made things very, very clear. She didn't care how her behavior adversely affected my life. And it did: academically, professionally, emotionally. The only thing that mattered to her at any given moment was what she wanted at any particular moment in time. And when I wasn't willing or able to provide it, she sought and got it somewhere else.

What's weird for me is it's so shocking that I'm not sure what to feel about it, except for relief that it's over. The sadism is what's striking. It's antithetical to how I believe we treat each other. It's antithetical to what Al Anon, Nar Anon or AA/NA promotes.

All beings fear pain. All beings fear violence. If we see ourselves in our brothers and sisters, how can we wish them harm?

My eyes are looking forward. But I have a feeling once I start processing all the different feelings and emotions, it's going to be pretty overwhelming.

Hope everyone's doing well.

That's an understatement.

Zoso -- You should know that "the rules" don't apply to those with BPD. They really don't have the capacity to feel much empathy while they are so worried about their own well-being and getting their bottomless pit of needs met. I don't mean to sound critical...this is the way they are and they can't help it, really. Compassion is the only way out of this emotional pain, my friend. Just be glad you are not HER. Her hell will continue for the rest of her days. Yours will be over soon enough. (((hugs)))

I know...intellectually, that is. I've got her number. There's no mystery anymore.

And you're not sounding critical. It is what it is: a severe case of BPD.

But while I know I'm going to get through this, the hurt is there. For every good few days I have, I have a day, like today, where the enormity of it all is overwhelming and painful.

I understand. I really do.

Zoso, I have been lurking on this forum for a good while, but your post inspired me to finally join. I, too, was involved (more like hijacked) by someone with BPD. For me, it was my best friend, although it may as well have been a marriage as we lived and worked together, spending almost every waking hour together as she couldn't handle being alone. Detaching was very hard, she was an expert manipulator and our friendship could be as wonderful as it was horrible. Like so many others on this forum, it was a steady build up of toxic behavior until one day, I just knew I was too exhausted and drained to continue trying to satisfy the demands someone who would never be sated. Ann put it perfectly as a "bottomless pit of her needs."

Sorry for so much backstory, but I just want you to know that you're not alone. This ended a little over a year ago, and I still am not fully recovered. Therapy definitely helped. It was amazing to talk to someone who could acknowledge that her behavior and the hoops I had to jump through were insane. I try and be grateful for the lessons she taught me; while she encouraged my codependent behaviors, I can now recognize them for what they are. I recently was seeing an ex who has struggled with addiction, and the second I realized he was still an active addict, I was able to detach gracefully instead of panicking and holding on tighter, wondering what was so wrong with me. The fact is, there is nothing wrong with me. I am a kind, generous, compassionate person, as I am sure you are too. However, now I can recognize when these qualities cross the line into being toxic for myself.

I won't lie, there are days that it is still very, very hard. I get angry because I am broke with no savings because I loaned her so much money that will never be repaid, and she is living off her trust fund. I gave up all my friends, because no one could understand why I couldn't be around her. Her family was my second family, I gave that up too. I don't regret any of these sacrifices. I comfort myself with the fact that I can sleep at night with a clear conscience, knowing that I have treated people fairly and with compassion, while she will continue to use and abuse people, forever burning bridges only to move on to the next victim. Someday, I will be in a happy, healthy relationship because I can take an honest look at myself and see what needs to change, whereas she will be miserable even in a relationship. I look at BPD as being similar to addiction in the sense that I don't blame her for having the disorder, but I do blame her for not doing everything she can to get help and learn healthier ways to relate. You don't drown by falling in the water, you drown by staying there.

Sorry, I didn't mean for this to turn into a novel, I guess I just needed to vent too. I hope you find something helpful, and feel free to PM me if you ever need someone to commiserate with. It's a long road to feeling completely whole again, but man is it worth it to be free from the toxic behavior and the crazymaking.

Boldaslove,

Thank you for your input.

The difficulty I have is, occasionally, I personalize it. The truth of the matter is she's dual diagnosis and, thus, very sick. The good news for me is she's gone, and I have no desire to allow her back into my life where she could (again) cause of lot of damage. That's what she'd do, and she wouldn't even blink an eye. And I do not love her anymore. While I don't want anything bad to happen to her, the emotional investment I had in her recovery is zero.

Somehow, I'm going forward. It's not pretty every day, but I've got a lot to be thankful for. Someday soon, hopefully, I'll be back up to full speed.

ZoSo

That is very, very true. :)