Determined not to get dragged into this situation.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 9
Determined not to get dragged into this situation.
Hello everyone, I'm posting from Southern Europe. I stumbled across this forum yesterday whilst searching for some advice and have learned so much after reading so many people's stories. I'm sure that there are a lot of people who just read and absorb all the fantastic advice and support which you all give. Thank you everyone.
My situation - My partner of 15 months has an 18 year old son who is addicted to marijuana. AS has had a very fortunate upbringing in that he has been educated privately, had private home tutors paid for him to help him pass his exams, and has a very generous allowance. AS has chosen to spend his time getting stoned, not studying, not making the effort to excel at anything in life. He is due to graduate from school this Summer but will most likely fail due to choosing to spend his time being drugged out of his mind. His attendance at school is poor and it is only after 30 minutes of cajoling, banging on his locked bedroom door and threats that AS finally drags himself out of bed to be driven to school by his father. I spend most nights with DP and leave in the morning to go home and get ready for work. During this morning 'get AS up for school' routine, I keep my mouth shut and often end up leaving before DP and AS as I refuse to be held hostage to time by AS. DP starts his day stressed and makes the excuse that AS sleeps so soundly that he cannot be relied upon to use an alarm clock to get up. DP knows that AS smokes industrial quantities of weed but prefers to think it is 'recreational use' rather than seeing it as an addiction which is affecting the whole family and destroying AS's life.
Twice in the last week, DP and his parents have expected me to lie to AS for trivial reasons. Once was to say that I had eaten some prepared frozen food so that AS, who is becoming obese from his 3.00am feeding frenzies, would think that this food really was not there, when it had just been hidden. I have refused to do so and told DP that the real problem is the drug usage and that I refuse to be dragged into this situation. I said how angry I was that they were using me as an excuse rather than facing the reality. Their reply was that AS would not have a tantrum if he thinks that I had eaten the food but would have a tantrum if he knew it had been hidden. I told them to let him have a tantrum.
My DP has to lock his bedroom and even in the locked bedroom is a chest with a huge chain around it. A piece of silver was stolen from the sitting room. This was blamed on AS's friends who all use the place as a hotel. AS has the use of three rooms upstairs in the house.
So many other incidents have happened. Yesterday I left DP's house saying that I was angry that they are trying to use me to keep things calm with AS. DP didn't phone me, nor did I phone him yesterday. Yesterday, I spent so much time reading the boards here. I refused to call DP today and was prepared to end the relationship, albeit with a very sad heart. Today DP called. We are seeing each other this evening to talk. He knows why I am angry. AS has gone to spend the night with his mother which is a very rare situation. He normally does this when DP gets angry with him. Obviously AS is playing one off against the other.
The whole of AS's family - grandparents who live downstairs in the house and AS's father enable AS, complain about his behavior to me, but never take concrete steps to let him work 'it' out for himself. Cultural differences play a part too. I'm from Europe but this is not my home country. Family honor plays a huge part here in that they would refuse to admit the real situation to anyone and keep up the act to the outside world that AS is doing just wonderfully. Honor or not, it is clear to anyone that this is a big lie.
So, standing back, not wanting to get involved but want to let DP know that I refuse to allow our relationship to be negatively influenced by AS. What else should I, can I, can't I do?
Thank you so much in advance.
My situation - My partner of 15 months has an 18 year old son who is addicted to marijuana. AS has had a very fortunate upbringing in that he has been educated privately, had private home tutors paid for him to help him pass his exams, and has a very generous allowance. AS has chosen to spend his time getting stoned, not studying, not making the effort to excel at anything in life. He is due to graduate from school this Summer but will most likely fail due to choosing to spend his time being drugged out of his mind. His attendance at school is poor and it is only after 30 minutes of cajoling, banging on his locked bedroom door and threats that AS finally drags himself out of bed to be driven to school by his father. I spend most nights with DP and leave in the morning to go home and get ready for work. During this morning 'get AS up for school' routine, I keep my mouth shut and often end up leaving before DP and AS as I refuse to be held hostage to time by AS. DP starts his day stressed and makes the excuse that AS sleeps so soundly that he cannot be relied upon to use an alarm clock to get up. DP knows that AS smokes industrial quantities of weed but prefers to think it is 'recreational use' rather than seeing it as an addiction which is affecting the whole family and destroying AS's life.
Twice in the last week, DP and his parents have expected me to lie to AS for trivial reasons. Once was to say that I had eaten some prepared frozen food so that AS, who is becoming obese from his 3.00am feeding frenzies, would think that this food really was not there, when it had just been hidden. I have refused to do so and told DP that the real problem is the drug usage and that I refuse to be dragged into this situation. I said how angry I was that they were using me as an excuse rather than facing the reality. Their reply was that AS would not have a tantrum if he thinks that I had eaten the food but would have a tantrum if he knew it had been hidden. I told them to let him have a tantrum.
My DP has to lock his bedroom and even in the locked bedroom is a chest with a huge chain around it. A piece of silver was stolen from the sitting room. This was blamed on AS's friends who all use the place as a hotel. AS has the use of three rooms upstairs in the house.
So many other incidents have happened. Yesterday I left DP's house saying that I was angry that they are trying to use me to keep things calm with AS. DP didn't phone me, nor did I phone him yesterday. Yesterday, I spent so much time reading the boards here. I refused to call DP today and was prepared to end the relationship, albeit with a very sad heart. Today DP called. We are seeing each other this evening to talk. He knows why I am angry. AS has gone to spend the night with his mother which is a very rare situation. He normally does this when DP gets angry with him. Obviously AS is playing one off against the other.
The whole of AS's family - grandparents who live downstairs in the house and AS's father enable AS, complain about his behavior to me, but never take concrete steps to let him work 'it' out for himself. Cultural differences play a part too. I'm from Europe but this is not my home country. Family honor plays a huge part here in that they would refuse to admit the real situation to anyone and keep up the act to the outside world that AS is doing just wonderfully. Honor or not, it is clear to anyone that this is a big lie.
So, standing back, not wanting to get involved but want to let DP know that I refuse to allow our relationship to be negatively influenced by AS. What else should I, can I, can't I do?
Thank you so much in advance.
NAIOU
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Last house on the block.
Posts: 359
As for me I would allow AS to go through what he has to go through to get to where he is going. As for the relationship sometimes Blood is thicker than water. Do what you need to do for you and you will get the end result. Hope this helps. logo
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: In the South
Posts: 228
Hi bonsoireveryone: I'm pretty new to this forum, but not new to dealing with addicts. I am the mother of an addict son, and my son started with marijuana at an early age and now at age 26, he's graduated to shooting opiates. My AS had opportunities for education, etc., but nothing like the AS you describe above! That home life/situation is an addicts dream! He's not motivated to do anything because he doesn't have to be, and he never will as long as his family does everything for him. Speaking from past experience, addicted children and step-parents do not make for a good mix. The biological parent will (imo) almost always take the side of their child (or adult child). As the poster above said, "Blood is thicker..." and sadly it's true. It does not sould like the family structure, culture, beliefs, and attitudes towards the AS are going to drastically change anytime soon, and unless you want to deal with all the stress associated with "addict offspring" , or even worse, being blamed by the family when AS addiction worsens, meaning he wants to try something stronger than mj. Unless both members of the couple are on the same page, and united with each other (not one with the AS instead), I'd predict that you will be faulted - somehow - for anything that goes wrong in AS life.
I'd suggest you read as much as you can from people who have been through it, and then listen to your gut instinct. I've found a lot of very helpful info on this site.
I'd suggest you read as much as you can from people who have been through it, and then listen to your gut instinct. I've found a lot of very helpful info on this site.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 9
Thank you Kuan. It is my first close experience of seeing the day to day trauma of an AS. I've seen many people of AS's age make bad choices in life and seen the resulting disaster and mayhem and how the situation is prolonged from the enabling of family members. You are so right when you say that this situation is an addict's dream. I feel that the family are just putting a band aid over a huge hemorrhage and don't want to get to the root of the problem. Nothing I can do, I know.
Reading so many people's stories here has helped confirm my belief that there is nothing I can do/should do and made me very determined not to let this have a negative impact on my own life. I feel calmer. AS knows how far he can push everyone in the close and extended family and also those he knows outside the family. Some have a zero tolerance to his antics and some enable it. He knows that I'm in the zero tolerance camp.
Thank you again.
Reading so many people's stories here has helped confirm my belief that there is nothing I can do/should do and made me very determined not to let this have a negative impact on my own life. I feel calmer. AS knows how far he can push everyone in the close and extended family and also those he knows outside the family. Some have a zero tolerance to his antics and some enable it. He knows that I'm in the zero tolerance camp.
Thank you again.
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