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New here, confused and need help

Old 01-28-2012, 06:35 PM
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New here, confused and need help

Hello. My step-daughter came to live with me last week for 3 months. It's my ex husbands daughter butbwe've remained close and this may be one of her only chances left. She's pretty much done everything but her drug of choice is heroin. Her mom is an alcoholic and she's been living with her the last several months after getting out of rehab. In Nov her ex boyfriend died from overdose and they were very toxic for one another. She has not dealt with this and all her other issues.

She has been diagnosed with bi-polar and in school ADHD but I question that. I took her to the doctor this week and she got her to give her Topomax (I have never know her to get migraines), Klonipin and vyavanyse (sp?). I am dispensing them but in think it's her own little cocktail tonged high. Sometimes her speech is slurred much more than others. I found a bunch of generic Tylenol in her wallet tonight so not sure what she's doing with that. The doc is getting us a psychiatrist to get these meds correct, I think she just knows how to say the right thing. As with all addicts she's extremely manipulative and lies constantly. She's also got some back pain pills because she was in a horrible accident in 2010 and is lucky to even be alive. To complicate things she's 19.

Since she's been here I've gone to 4 NA meetings with her and she met some girls at a meeting that are clean and went to 2 meetings with them yesterday. Tomorrow we're going again and this week will continue to go. I'm the only one that will make sure she gets to meetings and I sit thru them with her. Wed she actually shared, but part of me just wonders if it was just for me.

Anyways, I'm going to see about al anon meetings this week as well because I don't know how to deal with her. I'm feeling guilty for giving her the Klonipin because I do think she's getting high. Wed a gentleman after the meeting told me she sounds high and I told him I thought she's using prescription drugs and he said just keep bringing her to meetings, keep coming.

Also I looked at her phone yesterday and saw text messages between her and a guy she knew in rehab and he's going to send her "bars" in the mail in exchange for pictures of herself. I'm going to have all my mail held at the post office. I don't know how to tackle that one.

Any help, insight you can provide is greatly appreciated. I'm off to start reading the forum to get advice.

Thank you!!!!
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Old 01-28-2012, 07:41 PM
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Welcome to SR. Many here know just how difficult your situation is. I'm glad you will be finding Al-Anon (maybe there is Nar-Anon in your area as well?).

What are the consequences if you discover she is abusing drugs in your home? Are you willing to live with an active drug addict?

She seems like someone who makes connections easily. Should you have to tell her to leave, I don't think she will be without a place to eat and sleep.

For sure more will be revealed.

Are you well-educated on addicts and outcomes and codependence? On top of the opening page to Friends and Family you will see a collection of links: "Sticky".

Click on each for useful information.

If you do not get recovery help for yourself, she will run the show in your home. So I am very glad you are reaching out!
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Old 01-28-2012, 07:44 PM
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Also I looked at her phone yesterday and saw text messages between her and a guy she knew in rehab and he's going to send her "bars" in the mail in exchange for pictures of herself. I'm going to have all my mail held at the post office. I don't know how to tackle that one.
Hello LandofOz,
I am glad you are here, but sorry for the reason.
My daughter called xanax (powerful, very addictive) bars.
Using the US mail to send illegal prescriptions is bad news.

AlAnon is an excellent resource for you.
I hope you find a good meeting nearby.

Beth
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Old 01-28-2012, 08:55 PM
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If she's using drugs in my home she gets kicked out. But the are prescription drugs suspended by the doc to try and figure out the right dosage. She does have the bipolar but some of the other stuff not so much.

I'm getting more educated about addicts, don't know call the lingo etc.

Thank you so much for responding.
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Old 01-29-2012, 06:32 AM
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Sorry for the typos I'm on my iPad and it auto corrects word!! ugh!!
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Old 01-29-2012, 07:13 AM
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Many of our parents here have found it useful to establish house boundaries around behaviors as well as actual substance abuse, for example dishonesty, disrespect, failure to match word with deed, failure to comply with house rules, etc.

Addicts are extremely deft at protecting their substance abuse, but this often does not translate into their being able to keep their behaviors acceptable - this is where you can often have the leverage you need to make changes in a situation if you are not able to "prove" substance abuse. (In other words, it takes away the burden of "proving" substance abuse and gives you the freedom to set boundaries and act on unacceptable behaviors within your own home.)

Just a thought, and welcome!

CLMI
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Old 01-29-2012, 08:03 AM
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Originally Posted by catlovermi View Post
Many of our parents here have found it useful to establish house boundaries around behaviors as well as actual substance abuse, for example dishonesty, disrespect, failure to match word with deed, failure to comply with house rules, etc.
Amen to that!

Landofoz, I recently allowed my 34-year-old addict daughter to move back in with me. I had taken her in once before, several years ago, and it was an unmitigated disaster, with me kicking her out after a month.

This time I have 8 more years of codependency recovery under my belt. She had to sign a contract as soon as she walked in the door. I wanted to make it clear what I would/wouldn't tolerate. She knows the consequences of crossing those boundaries will find her out on the curb again.

I am digging even harder into my own recovery. I attend Alanon, have an Alanon sponsor, and am going to re-read the book "Codependent No More" (I get something different out of it every time). I also attend therapy on a regular basis.

She has several stipulations in place via the courts because of her most recent felony drug charges, like getting a job. She has resources, including an employment specialist through the department of corrections.

I would not agree to letting her move back here without a solid plan in place.

This is temporary. My job is not to police medications or meetings. I continue to do what I need to do for me. If her behaviors are unacceptable, she's out the door. She has a ton of things to do around this house to "earn" her portion of the rent.

I am going to go with her to see the employment specialist as I want to make it clear to that gal that there is a move-out date, and it's up to AD to bust her butt getting ready for that move else she will be homeless again.
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Old 01-29-2012, 08:59 AM
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Welcome Landofoz, sorry for your situation but glad you found us.
Here at SR and through Nar-anon you will find the support and help you need. It's going to take time but soon you will learn that she needs to work her recovery, and YOU need to work your own recovery.

I am glad you went to some NA meetings it's good for you to see and here the stories. But it is best to allow her to go alone, she will share more open and honestly without you there. You should seek out Nar-anon for yourself. I attend Nar-anon at a place where my son attends NA in another room at the same time, It has helped us both and we look forward to the meetings. I always leave the meeting feeling better and with a new outlook on life.

Don't let the addiction control you. Set boundaries, and put them in writing. This disease is hers, and only she can get herself out of it. No matter what you do she is going to do what she wants, until she is ready.

Thanks for sharing, keep posting and reading.
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Old 01-29-2012, 12:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Landofoz View Post

Also I looked at her phone yesterday and saw text messages between her and a guy she knew in rehab and he's going to send her "bars" in the mail in exchange for pictures of herself. I'm going to have all my mail held at the post office. I don't know how to tackle that one.
Is she employed? Who is paying for her phone?

Sounds like she is doing what addicts do- drug seeking. They are not talking Hersey Bars, here.

My daughter's drug of choice was heroin, too at age 19. If I were in a similar situation, I would likely turn the special delivery over to the Police if this guy comes through with the goods. Chances are, he got a few pictures off her and likely will not follow through.
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Old 01-29-2012, 03:51 PM
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Thank you everyone!! I took her again today to a meeting, I will stop going in with her but wanted her to see someone is willing and loves her enough to go and sit with her in them. But that's probably more co-dependency. I know I'm co-dependent from my own mother and childhood.

Someone at work gave me the Cosependnt no more book at work Friday. I need to pick it up and start reading I've just been sick the last couple days.

Her dad pays for her cell phone and she's looking for a job. Unfortunately the nar anon meetings are about 45 mins fom my home (thank you to whomever messaged me) and I will get to one of those but can't find any that are at the same time she's going. There are some al anon meetings so I'm going to get to those. Fortunately I'm in my own therapy and see her once a week.

I gave to be honest I like the meetings. She hates them and admitted it today. Everyone got a giggle out of that.

She refused to send the guy pics of her until she gets whatever he's sending (she's smart in some ways.).

Thank you so much to everyone. I will continue to read and post!
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