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Back and forth....repeat...

Old 01-27-2012, 09:15 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Blk
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Unhappy Back and forth....repeat...

I am new to the group, I decided I needed extra support during this difficult time and figured people involved in the same
Situation would be the best people to turn to. My fiancée and I have been together for over five years, I first met him out of a 30 day rehab he attended for his heroin addiction. I was warned to not even get involved, but after seeing and feeling what this man brought to my life I couldn't resist. We were good, I'd say, for about 2 months, before we started doing cocaine together, mind you, I wasn't an angel myself, prior to meeting him I had done the coke scene myself but it never amounted to anything major. Anyways, after inheriting a few thousand dollars, well that's where it went downhill. First started with the OxyContin then crack then onto heroin. Long story short, him and I were "high partners" for about 2-2 1/2 years. He had always used needles, I snorted it, but in the end I was on the needle too. I ended up getting clean, so did he, we got pregnant. I thought that was it, thought it was the end for him too. He's always had the addictive personality a lot worse then me, he'd been using dope for 6 years prior to even knowing me. Our son is what helps keep me sober, but not for him. Our baby will be 2 in April, we have continuously been dealing with him on dope, off dope, on dope, ect. Just recently, December 22, 2011, he went and
Checked himself into a rehab 3 hours away. I drove him there, drove all the way back to Chicago, went and visited him there twice, and had
To pick him up to bring him back when he was
Done with the program. All this driving, Chicago to Indianapolis, with a 1 1/2 year old was just horrible. Anyways, he's been back, was supposed to go to a halfway house and decided against it now. He's
Living with a heroin addict and his family, claiming he's not doing anything but that's hard to believe. I'm just so frustrated that my family is falling apart, I have a baby that adores his daddy and looks forward to seeing him everyday. I love this man with everything, he's my heart, my soul. We've had our ups and downs but this man, besides his drug addiction, is a
Wonderful man and father. I know there's nothing I can do, I used to fight with him, cry to him, scream, yell, ect but it never helped. I'm almost to the point of giving up, but then I reconsider because I am the only person that's good in his life. Everyone else around him Dont care about him. I'm just frustrated, so very frustrated.
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Old 01-27-2012, 10:06 PM
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I'm really sorry you are not able to have a true family. I can hear how much you long for that. But today you do not have a partner and your baby does not have a father.

The man you love loves drugs. And although you believe you are the only good thing in his life, from his point of view,drugs are the best thing in his life. He loves them more than he loves you or the baby. It is the way it is, with addiction.

Did you get some help for yourself while he was in Indianapolis? Do you have a support system of other people in codependency recovery? (I am assuming you are supported in your own recovery from drugs. I'm so glad you are clean for your child).

We pretty much become automatic codependents when we love addicts, and it makes us lose our minds. So you'll need some help keeping yours. You'll want to be able to make the best choices for your little child.

Welcome to SR. Many people here will offer you excellent feedback.

God bless you and the baby.
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Old 01-28-2012, 09:54 AM
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Welcome to SR....I hope you find answers here. I can't give you advice but I can share my own experience, strength and hope.

It's pretty common for those of us who love an addict to think that we can help them--that we are all that is good in their life. Unfortunately, our love is often unhealthy and our thinking is "off". I am a codependent in recovery. Personally.....I was loving my son.....to death. Why? Because my behavior was enabling him to continue to use.

You love this man. But if love could cure addiction, not one of us would be here. I tried everything to get my son to stop using drugs. I spent ridiculous amounts of money. I cried. I rescued. I pleaded. I tried to reason with him. He is still using and homeless.

The people who concern me as it relates to my son are not just other users. Codependents who associate or have relationships with him concern me just as much. They are as detrimental to his continued addiction as his fellow users.

Before you judge his family for turning their backs on him, remember that he has told you what he wants you to hear. He wants you to feel pity. He wants you to continue to enable his disease. That's how the disease of addiction works.

I am simply sick and tired of being afraid, manipulated, lied to and spending enormous amounts of money trying to change someone who doesn't want to change. So I'm working on what I can control. Me.

It breaks my heart to know my son is out there somewhere using and homeless. But after 15 years of trying to battled this disease on his behalf, I'm done. I have absolutely no doubt that my son manipulates others to feel sorry for him and tell people that his family has turned their backs on him. I have no doubt that he conveniently leaves out the details of what we have done. It would not suit his purpose.

I hope you stick around. Read. Ask questions. Learn as much as you can about addiction and codependency. Whether you continue a relationship with this man or not, the education will be beneficial to you and your little one.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 01-28-2012, 09:55 AM
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Whoops double posted so I removed it.
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