EnglishGarden

In the reporting about Demi Moore's breakdown and admittance to rehab, she was quoted as saying in a magazine article that she has always been afraid that at the end of her life she will find that she has always been unlovable and has never been worthy of love.

The old me would have said, "Poor Demi. She's so fragile and she needs so much love."

But today, unexpectedly, when I heard her quote, I felt a rush of anger. Red hot pissed off anger.

Because it triggered in me the memory of addicts in my life who used that kind of language to guilt me into staying, to manipulate me into allowing them to mistreat me, and to avoid any responsibility for their addiction and its devastating effects on everyone around them.

And her quote also reminded me of how many times an addict absolutely convinced me to my core that I was worth nothing, was such a disappointment, did not meet his needs, and, of course, because I could not acquiesce to his drinking and drugging, was "controlling" and "stuck in my ways."

Addicts moan about how no one really loves them and how they're not worth loving and it is the most calculating hook EVER.

And nothing changes.

laurie6781

Well she grew up with an alcoholic, her Mom.

Of course she felt that way.

She doesn't feel that way now.

Part of her downfall, and her recovery ............................ cleaning out the wreckage of one's past and having it become part of one's Experience in ES&H.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

FindingJoy

Your point about how addicts will moan and say no one loves me, Im no good, etc... Is like holding out fish to a cat. As a Codie that would make me feel so badly for him...my poor wounded incapable RExAB..
Most of us Codie's have many heartbreaking stories of abusive childhood, addict parent, not getting any love or attention...instead of us whining about it we find someone else who's whining about it for us and we take care of them...to add we then get angry and resentful for it.
:rotfxko

EnglishGarden

Just clarifying, the report indicated this is how she feels today. Not just years back.

A good codie like I have been in years back would have run to the rescue and the trap.

The addict playing the low-self-esteem card always made me, in my codependence, lose my good judgement. She reminded me of that, and I felt angry, I think, because I was so easily manipulated and controlled. Lost. And wish I had not been.

Hoping to recover more each day.

EnglishGarden

Yes, I heard that, too, Anvil. Unconfirmed.

What surprised me was that I felt such intense anger rather than the soft pity which was always so automatic. I guess I'll land somewhere in between!

zoso77

When I read your post earlier today, it hit me pretty hard. My XAGF would throw hooks out all the time. Most of them, through my work in Al Anon, I wouldn't bite at. The one I did bite at, though, was the "the only one that believes I can stay clean and become a better person is you" hook. Or, "the only one who loves me is you" hook.

And in the end, she treated me horribly.

So when I read your post about what Ms. Moore allegedly is quoted as saying, I saw that as a hook as well and had a visceral reaction.

Love, whether it's romantic, platonic, brotherly/sisterly, etc, is, IMHO, is something you invest in. Sometimes you take, sometimes you give. I've learned the hard way that my XAGF can't truly love because she operates at a deficit where she doesn't even love herself. And if she can't love herself, she isn't going to love her children, let alone me.

wicked

whippits and spice!

good god is right. she has been anorexic (to me) for years. those two drugs along with anorexia could give her heart problems. fatal problems.
dammit, i have always liked Demi. (anyone remember when she was on General Hospital?)


Beth

dollydo

So, she has to be validated by having a man love her and that alone will make her happy? Tain't gonna happen, happiness is an inside job.

Ann

Most active addicts I have known really do feel unloved, they can't even love themselves, at least not while they are active in their disease. The fact that this drew me in as a codie, was my stuff and I don't see it as their hook, at least not anymore.

My prayers go out for Demi, I think it is so sad when this happens to anyone and I hope this may be a turning point for her.

itisatruth

I'm still wondering what whippits are. Seriously. Guess I'll Google it.

Honestly, I didn't think much of reading that quote - which I read in an interview right after the split with her wayward husband - except, go figure - even a beautiful, successful woman like her has self-doubt and insecurities. So maybe my perception is different because of that, but I didn't hear the "hook" at all in it. Like someone else said, she's got some work to do on her insides.

My own insecurities and feelings of worthlessness brought out the worst in me too. Except mine took the part of looking for love from those whose "love" was destructive or abusive and just plain unacceptable.

The important part is that we learn to see and not to engage in the addict's, or anyone's, manipulation.

Freedom1990

Thank you so much for posting this, Ann.

I know that long before I ever picked up that first drink or drug, I felt like I didn't belong anywhere, that I was a "stranger" on this planet, and was very much unlovable and unloved. It wasn't that I didn't have people who loved me, quite the opposite. I could not connect with the love given to me.

When I discovered alcohol and drugs, those feelings went away temporarily.

fourmaggie

*peeks around the corner for DEMI M*

someone should really tell her about this place...

so much wisdom...

and boy...do i understand that HOOK....glad i am not there anymore....

EnglishGarden

This is a sensitive topic. For me and for many.

I do understand that addicts feel deep shame. I have been told that that shame can cause relapse because they do not want to face it. As someone who loves and has loved addicts, this reality tears me up inside. No one wants anyone who is so loved to suffer.

But I have to remember that addicts can be tremendously abusive to those who love them. And when the addict plays that poor-unlovable-me card, the person who loves the addict cannot find the necessary will to get away from the abuse.

This is also a pattern with batterers and their wives.

I do believe Demi struggles with feeling unlovable, as many here on these forums do, the codies and the addicts.

I just know that so many times my overwhelming desire to stay with someone who said he felt unlovable while he did the most amazingly unloving things to me.....blinded me to reality.

It was her words that brought all this up. And touches a nerve in many of us it seems.

Thank you for the conversation about this.

ColetteTocca

Glad I'm not the only one. As soon as I read "Demi Moore was doing whippits" I thought WHO IN THE WHAT????? AREN'T WHIPPITS SIMILAR TO ITALIAN GREYHOUNDS????

*dusts self off from turnip truck*

thequest

Heard one report a troubled friend either died or spent alot of time in the hospital or rehab lately. I saw a report this week she was a Red Bull fiend.

This article sums up what alot have been talking about.

Demi Moore's drug choices unusual for her age, according to top addiction expert - Monsters and Critics

MeredithD1

thanks for the link. I, too, was wondering what are whippits, which is quoted in the aritcle: "Reports have surfaced identifying the culprit in her collapse. drug nitrous oxide, more commonly referred to as 'laughing gas' or "whippits."

They get a quote from a doctor who works with drug addiction and is affiliated with NIMH about the age reference. He states the average age for nitrous is 15.5. Well IMHO that's the average DOCUMENTED age. Who knows what are the ages of people whipping it that no one knows about. (sigh.)

EnglishGarden

(Great avatar, Meredith. My favorite film of all time! )

steve1840

great thread. just to clarify something though. i do not know much about what was reported as to what actually happened to her, and not that this really matters, but whippits are not going to be the cause of what i read that she experienced. the high from them lasts a very short time, like less than a minute. it could cause her to go black out for a short time or to go into convulsions. i would guess the spice may have triggered the psychotic episode. along with anything else she may have been doing. in any event, it is sad and i hope it serves as a wake up call.

KuanYin

Ok, my turn: what the heck is "spice"? I knew about whippits, and thought I'd heard of just about everything....but spice???

fourmaggie

Demi Moore's Drug: What Is Nitrous Oxide? | Healthland | TIME.com