Insidious
 

When I factor in everything that I've read here with the stories I hear at meetings, it's so apparent that the disease of addiction is just so insidious and destructive. And it's so indiscriminate in collateral damage.

One of the most interesting threads I saw here is the one about whether addicts regret how they've treated those in their lives that tried to support them. In my case, if my XAGF apologizes for all her misdeeds, I simply wouldn't believe her because there's no evidence that it's a genuine apology. There's no evidence that she's gotten honest with herself about her behavior, or she's done any sort of work to become a healthier person. The facts show that she hasn't, and she continues to go through her day to day life not accepting responsibility for how her behavior has adversely impact those closest to her. I seriously underestimated the depth of her illness, and I seriously overestimated her ability to be honest.

Today, as I have all week, I'm struggling to keep the focus on me. Probably because I'm so hurt. And while there are things I'm certainly grateful for -- I'm highly educated, have a great career, have wonderful, caring friends -- it's hard to feel good about those things during times like these.

I admire so many people on this board that have done the hard work and have, somehow, managed to healthy lives. Hopefully, one day, I will as well.

My family and friends (the few that stuck it out) finally started to 'accept' my amends when I was about 3 years sober.

My 'actions' all that time were my amends. My 'actions' showed I was changing. That is what they believed. And the fact that also because of my 'actions' I had rebuilt a lot of their trust.

Really 'small' things. If I said I would be somewhere at a certain time I was.

I was working again, and hadn't called in sick from the first day, not even once, I showed up on time or early for work. I kept commitments I made.

Yes, addiction/alcoholism is very insidious and as it 'creeps' deeper and deeper into the A and the family is destroys.

It destroys:

relationships

love

trust

self worth

etc

But, .................................... YOU can rebuild yourself ((((zoso)))) if you work on you, the inner you, to see what 'drew' you to this person, what 'told' you to stay, etc

Given time, your attitudes, will change as you learn more and more about this very debilitating disease.

And, always try and remember, we are walking with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,

How she treated you does not define you.

It takes a lot of time and effort to live a life that is minimally impacted by the addict's behavior. It takes time to heal from the pain. It is a very insidious disease. Keep working toward your own recovery. It really does work if you work it.
gentle hugs
ke

Things that are helping me focus on me and having the happy healthy joyous life I deserve:

Reading Codie books and engaged is this SR forum
Giving my self permission to rest and be kind to my self
Removing the terrible "shoulds" from my vocabulary
Spending time with animals
Eating healthy food I enjoy
Watching fun or interesting movies
Working out cause I want to not have to
Laughing at my self and life in a good way

Things that don't help me:

Fantisizing about the life that could have been with RExAB
Self pitty talk like "will I ever find a great healthy partner?"
Being mean to my self and beating my self up for living him and putting my self through all of that pain and nonsense
Punishing my self by making me work excessive hours, workout when I'm tired, do things that I really don't want to do and don't have to
Seeing or talking to my RexAB
Thinking that maybe he really dies mean it now...HA
Not keeping the focus on my self


PLEASE FEEL FREE TO AD TO THIS LIST

FindingJoy...

Today, I enjoyed a massage and played guitar for a couple of hours. I'm practicing compassion every day for someone that I know now used, manipulated, and lied to me. I'm thanking God every day for the people in my life. I'm allowing myself to be angry, but I'm not allowing myself to feed the anger.

And you know what? Today was a good day. The people in my life love me. The one that just left it, my EAGF, doesn't. And that's fine because for the first time in over a year, I don't have to worry about her act and the drama associated with it. I'm free, and I have no interest in having her back in my life in ANY form.

So, now I'm going to eat dinner, watch a movie, and play more guitar.