Conflicted
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pa
Posts: 5
Conflicted
My ABF is returning from rehab tomorrow.
Intro to our situation:
I've suspected drug use since he came home from college this year. Apparently he failed out (it would've been his last year) and he was pretty emotionally wacked out, having panic attacks, etc. I asked him if he'd been doing drugs and he said no, so I left it alone for a long time until there were times it was just almost undeniable, but I couldn't find proof and he never admitted to it. I even went as far as buying a drug test, but somehow I let him talk me out of it. What a mistake that was...
Fast forward to four weeks ago. His parents kicked him out (they've always had a rocky relationship) so he came to stay with me. All is fine... and then my Christmas money from my grandparents magically disappears. I also find out he used my mom's car to go to "the diner" with his "friends". That was his story. My mom said he went to visit a friend a mile or two away. I KNEW THIS PERSON WAS A DEALER.
That about sealed the deal for me. I went and talked to his parents only to find out he's been in IOP for a month or so and attending NA meetings, and they realized this probably meant he had relapsed. Why they didn't think to tell me anything about this... I have no clue. Supposedly he told them I knew everything but wasn't ready to talk about it. Bullcrap of course.
So here I am. Completely and utterly feeling like I got hit by a freaking atom bomb. HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO CLUELESS? They tell me he's been stealing, has charges from the police, stole their jewelry, etc. It was this night we had an "intervention" for him and he agreed to go to rehab.
Let me tell you. I've been with this boy for 5 years as of June this year. And apparently this has been going on hardcore for the past year and a half, maybe longer they say, citing that he told them he first tried it his freshman year.
Anyways. I've been struggling with what I'm supposed to do.
I love this man more than anything, THOUGHT that we'd been through thick and thin, but I feel like I don't even know who he was/is. I pretty much cut contact with him when he went to rehab. I needed space to figure out what I wanted. We've only spoken twice on the phone and I went with his parents for family day so I could hopefully learn more. I attended a therapy session with him and his family and sat through lots of meetings etc.
He seems like he's doing well. But, part of me just wants to end this relationship, but I feel like I'm not ready to, because I really love him. ALL MY EMOTIONS ARE SO CONFLICTED, and have remained that way for the past month despite going to al-anon meetings, despite reading the codependency stuff, despite most of my friends and family telling me to leave.
I'm just at my wits end.
I don't know what to feel.
I'm super conflicted, and wondering when this indecision will end...
Some feedback would be much appreciated.. thanks for reading my story.
Thoughts on how to approach his coming back from rehab would be much appreciated as well.
Intro to our situation:
I've suspected drug use since he came home from college this year. Apparently he failed out (it would've been his last year) and he was pretty emotionally wacked out, having panic attacks, etc. I asked him if he'd been doing drugs and he said no, so I left it alone for a long time until there were times it was just almost undeniable, but I couldn't find proof and he never admitted to it. I even went as far as buying a drug test, but somehow I let him talk me out of it. What a mistake that was...
Fast forward to four weeks ago. His parents kicked him out (they've always had a rocky relationship) so he came to stay with me. All is fine... and then my Christmas money from my grandparents magically disappears. I also find out he used my mom's car to go to "the diner" with his "friends". That was his story. My mom said he went to visit a friend a mile or two away. I KNEW THIS PERSON WAS A DEALER.
That about sealed the deal for me. I went and talked to his parents only to find out he's been in IOP for a month or so and attending NA meetings, and they realized this probably meant he had relapsed. Why they didn't think to tell me anything about this... I have no clue. Supposedly he told them I knew everything but wasn't ready to talk about it. Bullcrap of course.
So here I am. Completely and utterly feeling like I got hit by a freaking atom bomb. HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO CLUELESS? They tell me he's been stealing, has charges from the police, stole their jewelry, etc. It was this night we had an "intervention" for him and he agreed to go to rehab.
Let me tell you. I've been with this boy for 5 years as of June this year. And apparently this has been going on hardcore for the past year and a half, maybe longer they say, citing that he told them he first tried it his freshman year.
Anyways. I've been struggling with what I'm supposed to do.
I love this man more than anything, THOUGHT that we'd been through thick and thin, but I feel like I don't even know who he was/is. I pretty much cut contact with him when he went to rehab. I needed space to figure out what I wanted. We've only spoken twice on the phone and I went with his parents for family day so I could hopefully learn more. I attended a therapy session with him and his family and sat through lots of meetings etc.
He seems like he's doing well. But, part of me just wants to end this relationship, but I feel like I'm not ready to, because I really love him. ALL MY EMOTIONS ARE SO CONFLICTED, and have remained that way for the past month despite going to al-anon meetings, despite reading the codependency stuff, despite most of my friends and family telling me to leave.
I'm just at my wits end.
I don't know what to feel.
I'm super conflicted, and wondering when this indecision will end...
Some feedback would be much appreciated.. thanks for reading my story.
Thoughts on how to approach his coming back from rehab would be much appreciated as well.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Brooklyn NY
Posts: 156
Hi deluna and welcome to SR I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. I am pretty new to all of this too. While my situation is different from yours, I do understand the conflicted feelings that you are having. It really is a good thing that he's in rehab cause this gives you the space you need to work on yourself and figure out exactly what it is that you want to do. I nor anyone else can tell you what you should do but I do think that you have yourself on the right path by going to alanon and educating yourself on codependency. Keep that up cause it does help so much and you have definitely made your way to a great place for support. There are a lot of people on here that can offer you a tremendous amount of support. You are in my thoughts and prayers
I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. I am pretty new to all of this too. While my situation is different from yours, I do understand the conflicted feelings that you are having. It really is a good thing that he's in rehab cause this gives you the space you need to work on yourself and figure out exactly what it is that you want to do. I nor anyone else can tell you what you should do but I do think that you have yourself on the right path by going to alanon and educating yourself on codependency. Keep that up cause it does help so much and you have definitely made your way to a great place for support. There are a lot of people on here that can offer you a tremendous amount of support. You are in my thoughts and prayers Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Brooklyn NY
Posts: 156
I'm sorry, I didn't see the top part where it says he's getting out of rehab tomorrow. Wow, that definitely changes the situation. From what you said, you still need time to figure out what it is that you want and how you are really feeling. If you still feel that you need the space then by all means, that's what you should do for yourself. You don't want to put yourself in a situation that you're not ready to handle. I'm not saying to stay with him or break up with him, I'm just saying that the most important thing right now is that you sort your feelings out so you can approach all of this with a clear mind. I hope that helps and good luck to you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 167
I'm very new in Al-Anon, so I don't feel qualified to give you any suggestions. But as conflicted as you may feel, you know to proceed with caution--you're not rationalizing to yourself.
You don't need to decide anything today. He has to live one day at a time, and so do you. Don't allow him to rush you into a decision you cannot live with down the road.
I'm pulling for you!
--J
You don't need to decide anything today. He has to live one day at a time, and so do you. Don't allow him to rush you into a decision you cannot live with down the road.
I'm pulling for you!
--J
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Rehabs do not cure addiction. Best case, a rehab can teach a highly motivated guest some of the tools of recovery. The real hard part begins after rehab. Generally speaking, it's usually better for everyone, when a former rehab guest tranisitions into a sober living enviornment instead of returning home.
Where's home for this guy?
There is nothing you can do or not do that is going to keep him clean or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
Consider taking the time to figure out your own boundaries for this or any relationship. A boundary begins with " I will/will not..." Examples of boundaries include:
I will not be in a relationship with a liar.
I will not be in a relationship with someone who steals.
I will not be in a relationship with a criminal.
I will not be in a relationship with a drug addict.
A boundary is your bottom line. We are responsible for enforcing our own boundaries on ourself. If/when we find ourselves in a situation that challenges our boundary, we take responsibility for ourselves and remove ourself from the situation.
Many confuse boundaries with attempts to control other people. Most attempts to control someone else begin with " You will/ will not...or else..." We have no control over other people. The more we try to control other people's behaviors, the less time we spend controlling ourself and our own reactions. And that's the only thing we do control.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with taking a break from this relationship and figure out what's important to you.
Where's home for this guy?
There is nothing you can do or not do that is going to keep him clean or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
Consider taking the time to figure out your own boundaries for this or any relationship. A boundary begins with " I will/will not..." Examples of boundaries include:
I will not be in a relationship with a liar.
I will not be in a relationship with someone who steals.
I will not be in a relationship with a criminal.
I will not be in a relationship with a drug addict.
A boundary is your bottom line. We are responsible for enforcing our own boundaries on ourself. If/when we find ourselves in a situation that challenges our boundary, we take responsibility for ourselves and remove ourself from the situation.
Many confuse boundaries with attempts to control other people. Most attempts to control someone else begin with " You will/ will not...or else..." We have no control over other people. The more we try to control other people's behaviors, the less time we spend controlling ourself and our own reactions. And that's the only thing we do control.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with taking a break from this relationship and figure out what's important to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR....this is a great forum. I hope you find information that brings you clarity.
Those feelings of internal conflict are common. The suggestions above were very good. Establishing boundaries and taking things one day at a time. You don't have to make decisions right away. If you need space, that's ok and understandable.
You and your boyfriend will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
Those feelings of internal conflict are common. The suggestions above were very good. Establishing boundaries and taking things one day at a time. You don't have to make decisions right away. If you need space, that's ok and understandable.
You and your boyfriend will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome to SR. Many here will offer you strong and wise feedback. Trust them!
It takes some time to recover from "a freaking atom bomb." You may still be too shaken to be able to make any decisions for the long term.
If you keep your distance, work on your recovery while he works his, I think the fog will clear.
I would also consider protection against STD's.
Just stick with recovering people so you don't get lost in the rabbit hole.
All best. Take good care of yourself.
It takes some time to recover from "a freaking atom bomb." You may still be too shaken to be able to make any decisions for the long term.
If you keep your distance, work on your recovery while he works his, I think the fog will clear.
I would also consider protection against STD's.
Just stick with recovering people so you don't get lost in the rabbit hole.
All best. Take good care of yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pa
Posts: 5
Thank you so much everyone for your feeback so far. You're all right. It was far too sudden and has left me floundering for some type of grounding.
I'm sort of confused about this, because all four things you listed WERE my boundaries. And as far as I know, he didn't fit any of those until he started using, which I was also ignorant of until a month ago...
This is where I run into problems. At the rehab they insisted to us that addiction is a disease, and they only did these things as a result of the disease. That it wasn't really them, just symptoms.
I don't know how to apply the boundaries I've set... if those actions were only symptoms of his "disease" and not him.
But maybe I'm just looking for excuses to stick around? I really don't know. Because up until I found all this crap out we were only a few months off from buying an apartment together. The realization that the person you thought you were closest to is a drug addict is staggering. I'm completely astonished that somehow he could hide that from me with the amount of time I was around him.
Oh, and to answer the question. He is going back to live with his parents. Which seems like a mistake to me. They're controlling and enablers. I have repeatedly asked his mom if she'd like to come to al-anon with me, but she always has an excuse. All I can do is offer, and hope she eventually realizes she really needs the support as much as I do :/
Originally Posted by outtolunch 
Rehabs do not cure addiction. Best case, a rehab can teach a highly motivated guest some of the tools of recovery. The real hard part begins after rehab. Generally speaking, it's usually better for everyone, when a former rehab guest tranisitions into a sober living enviornment instead of returning home.
Where's home for this guy?
There is nothing you can do or not do that is going to keep him clean or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
Consider taking the time to figure out your own boundaries for this or any relationship. A boundary begins with " I will/will not..." Examples of boundaries include:
I will not be in a relationship with a liar.
I will not be in a relationship with someone who steals.
I will not be in a relationship with a criminal.
I will not be in a relationship with a drug addict.
A boundary is your bottom line. We are responsible for enforcing our own boundaries on ourself. If/when we find ourselves in a situation that challenges our boundary, we take responsibility for ourselves and remove ourself from the situation.
Many confuse boundaries with attempts to control other people. Most attempts to control someone else begin with " You will/ will not...or else..." We have no control over other people. The more we try to control other people's behaviors, the less time we spend controlling ourself and our own reactions. And that's the only thing we do control.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with taking a break from this relationship and figure out what's important to you.
Where's home for this guy?
There is nothing you can do or not do that is going to keep him clean or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
Consider taking the time to figure out your own boundaries for this or any relationship. A boundary begins with " I will/will not..." Examples of boundaries include:
I will not be in a relationship with a liar.
I will not be in a relationship with someone who steals.
I will not be in a relationship with a criminal.
I will not be in a relationship with a drug addict.
A boundary is your bottom line. We are responsible for enforcing our own boundaries on ourself. If/when we find ourselves in a situation that challenges our boundary, we take responsibility for ourselves and remove ourself from the situation.
Many confuse boundaries with attempts to control other people. Most attempts to control someone else begin with " You will/ will not...or else..." We have no control over other people. The more we try to control other people's behaviors, the less time we spend controlling ourself and our own reactions. And that's the only thing we do control.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with taking a break from this relationship and figure out what's important to you.
This is where I run into problems. At the rehab they insisted to us that addiction is a disease, and they only did these things as a result of the disease. That it wasn't really them, just symptoms.
I don't know how to apply the boundaries I've set... if those actions were only symptoms of his "disease" and not him.
But maybe I'm just looking for excuses to stick around? I really don't know. Because up until I found all this crap out we were only a few months off from buying an apartment together. The realization that the person you thought you were closest to is a drug addict is staggering. I'm completely astonished that somehow he could hide that from me with the amount of time I was around him.
Oh, and to answer the question. He is going back to live with his parents. Which seems like a mistake to me. They're controlling and enablers. I have repeatedly asked his mom if she'd like to come to al-anon with me, but she always has an excuse. All I can do is offer, and hope she eventually realizes she really needs the support as much as I do :/
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
WELCOME to Sober Recovery. You have found a really great place, with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) from folks who have been where you are, or are where you are.
And has probably done them for the 5 years you have been with him. He just didn't 'suddenly' pop up in 'addiction mode.' Therefore, you have no clue whatsoever whom 'you love.'
Please do NOT allow him back into your home for now. He would do much better in a Sober Living Environment Facillity. There are quite a few in PA. He can also go to the Salvation Army, which has an incredible FREE additional rehab.
Rehab is, as OTL said is only the 'BEGINNING'. There is a LOT MORE WORK that he must do on himself to maybe rejoin civilization and become a productive member of society.
Please continue to post and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much!
Love and hugs,
He still did those things.
Please do NOT allow him back into your home for now. He would do much better in a Sober Living Environment Facillity. There are quite a few in PA. He can also go to the Salvation Army, which has an incredible FREE additional rehab.
Rehab is, as OTL said is only the 'BEGINNING'. There is a LOT MORE WORK that he must do on himself to maybe rejoin civilization and become a productive member of society.
Please continue to post and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much!
Love and hugs,
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,898
At the rehab they insisted to us that addiction is a disease, and they only did these things as a result of the disease. That it wasn't really them, just symptoms.
Maybe, maybe not. There are a lot of posts here from people whose significant others did the rehab thing or quit using, but are still acting the same way they did before. If a person is a jerk then they're going to still be a jerk when they stop using. Just quitting does not change the person from what they naturally are. Not all bad habits or character flaws are due to drugs or alcohol. Sometimes the person is just a natural asshat.
Maybe, maybe not. There are a lot of posts here from people whose significant others did the rehab thing or quit using, but are still acting the same way they did before. If a person is a jerk then they're going to still be a jerk when they stop using. Just quitting does not change the person from what they naturally are. Not all bad habits or character flaws are due to drugs or alcohol. Sometimes the person is just a natural asshat.
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