Feeling like I'm in the same place . .
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 127
Feeling like I'm in the same place . .
Originally Posted by karrie1207 
AH has been using pills for 10+ years. His addiction was exposed about 2 years ago. At that point he got clean and stayed clean for about 14 months and then he relapsed. He relapsed for about a month and has now been clean for 7 weeks. The first time he got clean he said he could do it all by himself. He did get a DUI so he was court ordered to attend meetings and such, but he never really wanted to talk about it.
Well this time around I told him I wanted a divorce. Well to make a long story short he said he had hit his rock bottom and the thought of loosing his family blah blah blah you all now the drill. So I said OK we will keep the "conversation open" about staying together but I really need to see his actions match his words. So for the last couple weeks thats what I have done. I have detached myself and have just been kinda seeing what he was going to do ON HIS OWN.
He started off good. For the first month he went to meetings 4 or 5 times a week. I spoke to him about his meeting every now and then and he seemed like he had a whole new perspective about what he needed to do to have a better life. He asked one of the group leaders to be his sponsor and the guy told him that if he was to accept that AH had to call him every day for 30 days before he would agree to sponsor him. So AH did call everyday for the first couple weeks and now he has only been calling him about 1 time a week. He also mentioned to me that he was going to go out with some of his co-workers this Friday after work, which means he is going to go to a bar. Uuugg as I type this I am seeing the writing on the wall, but I will proceed.
My first reaction is that he is getting relaxed because he has not really surrendered and he still thinks he can "control it". I want to talk to him about what I have seen, however I also want to continue to see his actions to see how he is going to handle himself without me "telling him" what I think would be acceptable behavior.
I know his recovery is his and it willl happen in its own time and way. Should I say something? Should I just sit back and watch to see what his true actions will be? Is it fair to say that maybe he just needs some encouragement? Is it more likely that he is just falling off the band wagon because he was just doing all of this to please me?
I guess this all boils down to my boundary. Is it a fair boundary for me to tell him he must be working a program? I feel that for it to be this early in the game and he is already slacking that it just speaks volumes about his dedication.
Please give me your input! Am I on the right page here? Sometimes I feel that I can't even trust my own judgment I have been on this roller coaster for so long.
Well this time around I told him I wanted a divorce. Well to make a long story short he said he had hit his rock bottom and the thought of loosing his family blah blah blah you all now the drill. So I said OK we will keep the "conversation open" about staying together but I really need to see his actions match his words. So for the last couple weeks thats what I have done. I have detached myself and have just been kinda seeing what he was going to do ON HIS OWN.
He started off good. For the first month he went to meetings 4 or 5 times a week. I spoke to him about his meeting every now and then and he seemed like he had a whole new perspective about what he needed to do to have a better life. He asked one of the group leaders to be his sponsor and the guy told him that if he was to accept that AH had to call him every day for 30 days before he would agree to sponsor him. So AH did call everyday for the first couple weeks and now he has only been calling him about 1 time a week. He also mentioned to me that he was going to go out with some of his co-workers this Friday after work, which means he is going to go to a bar. Uuugg as I type this I am seeing the writing on the wall, but I will proceed.
My first reaction is that he is getting relaxed because he has not really surrendered and he still thinks he can "control it". I want to talk to him about what I have seen, however I also want to continue to see his actions to see how he is going to handle himself without me "telling him" what I think would be acceptable behavior.
I know his recovery is his and it willl happen in its own time and way. Should I say something? Should I just sit back and watch to see what his true actions will be? Is it fair to say that maybe he just needs some encouragement? Is it more likely that he is just falling off the band wagon because he was just doing all of this to please me?
I guess this all boils down to my boundary. Is it a fair boundary for me to tell him he must be working a program? I feel that for it to be this early in the game and he is already slacking that it just speaks volumes about his dedication.
Please give me your input! Am I on the right page here? Sometimes I feel that I can't even trust my own judgment I have been on this roller coaster for so long.
As of today AH is still clean which makes him almost 5 months clean. AH has still not got a sponser. He worked ALOT during Christmas and didn't go to any NA meetings or sessions with the counselor, but then after Christmas didn't start going back either. In conversation one night I asked him if he was planning on returning to meetings and he said he was. He did go to one the following week but I can't help but to think it was only because of me bringing it up.
Then there was an occasion last sunday. AH fell asleep in church then after church he drank a cup of coffee (which is unusual) and then took a 2 hr nap then woke up and drank another cup of coffee. This is very weird behavior for him.
I spoke to my counselor about his behavior just to kinda get validation that some of his bahaviors were off and also to share my concern with his lack of involvement in his program. She said yes he is not following his program. He doesn't have a sponser, he is not working the steps, he has not put any kind of stress relievers into place like going to the gym, playing a sport or talking to a friend and during the most stressful time of the year at work for him (which is when he used the most) he stopped going to meetings.
So here I am feeling as though I am in the same place as I was last Oct.
When these things come up and I see that he is falling off of his recovery program I justify it in my head that "He is clean" so there for I feel guilty about saying anything about what he is or is not doing. I feel guilty for being bothered by his lack of dedication to his program. Them somehow I end up aggrevated because he is not doing what I think he should be doing. This all feels so crazy.
I know I can not control him but isn't setting a boundary of "I will not be married to AH unless he is actively working his program" just like controlling him?
When I asked him about all of this he was a little defensive and told me that it is his program and he will get a sponser and work the steps whenever he is ready. I understand and agree but isn't getting a sponser one of the KEY steps to the program.
Some input would be welcomed . . . I'm feeling like I just sat down on the roller coaster and it's about to take off. Uuuuuggg knock some sense into me SR
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: St. Louis, Mo. USA
Posts: 265
Wow.
I am going to be gentle as I can here. Boundaries with out consequences mean nothing to anybody! Especially an A, but myself included.
You can only control you. Have you been working the steps? Are you working the program? Of course not That is clear to see in both posts. His recovery is his alone as is your recovery yours to work. How can you ask him to do something you don't do yourself? Go to Nar-anon or al-anon seek your recovery, work the program and he will not be able to fool you as he has theses past few months. Step 1; I am powerless over the Addict.
I am not intending to be mean or hurt your feelings, but to be honest and wake you up.
Until I found Nar-anon I was controlled by my AS, now they know I know the program and can tell if they are working it or just bluffing there way to the next high.
I am going to be gentle as I can here. Boundaries with out consequences mean nothing to anybody! Especially an A, but myself included.
You can only control you. Have you been working the steps? Are you working the program? Of course not That is clear to see in both posts. His recovery is his alone as is your recovery yours to work. How can you ask him to do something you don't do yourself? Go to Nar-anon or al-anon seek your recovery, work the program and he will not be able to fool you as he has theses past few months. Step 1; I am powerless over the Addict.
I am not intending to be mean or hurt your feelings, but to be honest and wake you up.
Until I found Nar-anon I was controlled by my AS, now they know I know the program and can tell if they are working it or just bluffing there way to the next high.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by karrie1207
As of today AH is still clean which makes him almost 5 months clean.
Then there was an occasion last sunday. AH fell asleep in church then after church he drank a cup of coffee (which is unusual) and then took a 2 hr nap then woke up and drank another cup of coffee. This is very weird behavior for him.
It really is none of our business if someone is working this or that or no program.
It comes down to our own boundaries, which begin with " I will/ will not..."
Attempts to control begin with " you will/ will not...or else".
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Karrie...
If I may suggest something...attend either Al Anon or Nar Anon.
If your AH is not working his program, or any program, there is nothing you can do about it. Any attempts to stick your nose in his recovery will end in disaster. You need to focus on you.
When you do go to Al Anon or Nar Anon, listen very, very closely. You will hear a story similar to yours. And embrace what you're hearing, because what you'll be hearing is how those touched by someone else's addictions take charge of their own lives and save their sanity.
Please do so. For you.
Zoso
If I may suggest something...attend either Al Anon or Nar Anon.
If your AH is not working his program, or any program, there is nothing you can do about it. Any attempts to stick your nose in his recovery will end in disaster. You need to focus on you.
When you do go to Al Anon or Nar Anon, listen very, very closely. You will hear a story similar to yours. And embrace what you're hearing, because what you'll be hearing is how those touched by someone else's addictions take charge of their own lives and save their sanity.
Please do so. For you.
Zoso
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 127
Over the last 5 months there have been maybe 4 occasions that I have been suspicious of AH's behavior.
1) when he went out with friends to a bar (2 months after being clean)
2)when he sent our son to daycare in his pajama shirt that he was sleeping in all night, same day left house a mess because he didn't feel good so was sleeping (4months after being clean)
3)went to an important meeting wearing a shirt that said "you look fat when you cry"(4 months after being clean)
4)Fell asleep in church and drank coffee all day (4 1/2 months of being clean)
Other than those I have seen him really trying. He is trying to communicate with me better, more helpful around the house, trying to do thoughtful things like taking me to dinner and giving me flowers. These are all areas that he really lacked in before. For some reason though my gut says all of this is a show. I don't know if it just because I have a wall up with him still or if there is something to it . . . I just don't trust anything he does.
I guess where I get hung up at is people saying "maybe he needs some encouragement". When he gets a little relaxed in his program and I notice it i ask him about it and then normally he does go back to going to meetings. So is that a bad thing? It makes me think that if it wasn't for me "reminding him" or "letting him know that I'm paying attention" than he wouldn't even go.
Anvil I know it is his recovery but I don't feel comfortable having him around me and my son if he is not working some kind of program. Addiction is more than just taking a drug that is only the symptom of the real problem and so therefor with out getting into those other issues I feel that is not recovery.
TMZ you def did not hurt my feelings. I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post. I have been working with my counselor but i have not been going to naranon as much as I use to. I think your right and I should get back to focusing on the steps.
Outtolunch you are def right we may never know.
Something else that has been bugging me and I would like input on . . .AH says he NEVER has an urge to do drugs. He says every once in awhile he would like a beer but other than that he doesn't even think about it (He didn't have a problem with alcohol but stopped drinking too to follow the program) This sounds like total BS to me. What do you guys think?
1) when he went out with friends to a bar (2 months after being clean)
2)when he sent our son to daycare in his pajama shirt that he was sleeping in all night, same day left house a mess because he didn't feel good so was sleeping (4months after being clean)
3)went to an important meeting wearing a shirt that said "you look fat when you cry"(4 months after being clean)
4)Fell asleep in church and drank coffee all day (4 1/2 months of being clean)
Other than those I have seen him really trying. He is trying to communicate with me better, more helpful around the house, trying to do thoughtful things like taking me to dinner and giving me flowers. These are all areas that he really lacked in before. For some reason though my gut says all of this is a show. I don't know if it just because I have a wall up with him still or if there is something to it . . . I just don't trust anything he does.
I guess where I get hung up at is people saying "maybe he needs some encouragement". When he gets a little relaxed in his program and I notice it i ask him about it and then normally he does go back to going to meetings. So is that a bad thing? It makes me think that if it wasn't for me "reminding him" or "letting him know that I'm paying attention" than he wouldn't even go.
Anvil I know it is his recovery but I don't feel comfortable having him around me and my son if he is not working some kind of program. Addiction is more than just taking a drug that is only the symptom of the real problem and so therefor with out getting into those other issues I feel that is not recovery.
TMZ you def did not hurt my feelings. I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post. I have been working with my counselor but i have not been going to naranon as much as I use to. I think your right and I should get back to focusing on the steps.
Outtolunch you are def right we may never know.
Something else that has been bugging me and I would like input on . . .AH says he NEVER has an urge to do drugs. He says every once in awhile he would like a beer but other than that he doesn't even think about it (He didn't have a problem with alcohol but stopped drinking too to follow the program) This sounds like total BS to me. What do you guys think?
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 127
Anvil I am still angry about our situation. I don't trust him and so yeah I am always judging what he says and does. If I would of been paying attention earlier on in our relationship I would of seen this all along time ago.
Some days I like him and some days I don't honestly. I think about all the crap that we have been through and it makes me sad and mad all at the same time. Some days I want to work hard to save my marriage and others I want to run away. The entire time we have been together he has been on drugs so it's hard for me sometimes to know what is him and what is him on drugs. The whole relationship feels like a lie and i feel like an idiot for it. So at this point I'm just trying to not feel like an idiot anymore by letting him pull the wool over my eyes.
My program is working with my counselor on a weekly basis. Going to church and reading codependant no more. I was attending naranon meetings but I haven't been in about 3 weeks due to a scheduling difficulty with my son, but i am going to try and work that out again so I can attend.
More will be revealed as you said . . . I'll try and stay focused on me and just keep observing.
Some days I like him and some days I don't honestly. I think about all the crap that we have been through and it makes me sad and mad all at the same time. Some days I want to work hard to save my marriage and others I want to run away. The entire time we have been together he has been on drugs so it's hard for me sometimes to know what is him and what is him on drugs. The whole relationship feels like a lie and i feel like an idiot for it. So at this point I'm just trying to not feel like an idiot anymore by letting him pull the wool over my eyes.
My program is working with my counselor on a weekly basis. Going to church and reading codependant no more. I was attending naranon meetings but I haven't been in about 3 weeks due to a scheduling difficulty with my son, but i am going to try and work that out again so I can attend.
More will be revealed as you said . . . I'll try and stay focused on me and just keep observing.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
What do I think?
I think you're caught up on the merry-go-round in your head.
It's been my experience that once I started working a program of recovery like I "wished" others would, my life improved vastly.
I think you're caught up on the merry-go-round in your head.
It's been my experience that once I started working a program of recovery like I "wished" others would, my life improved vastly.
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