Blogs


Notices

My Sick Ex AGF

Old 01-25-2012, 04:54 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Engineer, Guitarist, Golfer
Thread Starter
 
zoso77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,381
Blog Entries: 5
My Sick Ex AGF

I come home from work, and in my door she left my house key, a CD I gave her of my former band's music, and the ring I gave her for her birthday last year.

It's not enough for her to do what she did. It's not enough to take pleasure in it. She has to make a special trip to my house and twist the knife.

I just don't get it. I took her in, supported her through a detox, an overdose, seemingly endless episodes of suicidal ideation, irrational emotional outbursts...and yet she's making every conceivable effort to hurt me. What did I do wrong in all of this?
zoso77 is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to zoso77 For This Useful Post:
anvilhead (01-25-2012), ElegantlyWasted (01-25-2012), tjp613 (01-26-2012), Vale (01-26-2012)
Old 01-25-2012, 05:06 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I know it feels personal, but it isn't. It's obvious she has some serious issues she has not resolved. It seems to me she's trying to be quite the drama queen in doing what she did today.

You'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why. Accept that she does not act like a rational, compassionate human being, and then let it go.

You will heal with time.
Freedom1990 is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Freedom1990 For This Useful Post:
Heartbroken0608 (01-26-2012), Impurrfect (01-25-2012), laurie6781 (01-25-2012), Vale (01-26-2012), zoso77 (01-25-2012)
Old 01-25-2012, 05:27 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
outtolunch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Borderline Personality Disorder is a serious mental illness. There are common relationship patterns and what you have experienced seems to fit the pattern.
As Freedom said, this is not personal. We can all understand it feels that way, right now.
outtolunch is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to outtolunch For This Useful Post:
anvilhead (01-25-2012), Impurrfect (01-25-2012), Vale (01-26-2012), zoso77 (01-25-2012)
Old 01-25-2012, 07:54 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Engineer, Guitarist, Golfer
Thread Starter
 
zoso77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,381
Blog Entries: 5
Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
borderline personalities live at the extremes.....everything is either insanely magically perfectly wonderful OR it's THE most horrible abomination ever experienced. she does with EVERYONE, hon. you have not been singled out, altho it feels that way. it is NOT personal....it is how she is and who she is and what she does. and now you know.

i'm really sorry....you are a very tender caring soul....you did what you felt impelled to do with good intentions.....she is simply incapable of recognizing that or responding in any type of positive way.
...I know. I've read about it. I know it to be true. But to see it up close and personal...

You don't fight anger with anger. You don't fight hate with hate.

You can only fight those with love.

So, just as I did last night and the night before that, I'm going to pray to God and ask Him to protect her.
zoso77 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to zoso77 For This Useful Post:
anvilhead (01-25-2012), Impurrfect (01-25-2012)
Old 01-25-2012, 08:53 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Engineer, Guitarist, Golfer
Thread Starter
 
zoso77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,381
Blog Entries: 5
Thank you for your kindness.
zoso77 is offline  
Old 01-25-2012, 09:08 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
 
ElegantlyWasted's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
Blog Entries: 10
Sounds like negative/histrionic attention seeking. Have had similar episodes and feel for you my brother. To echo some of the above posts; try not to let it affect you. How do we draw the line between Borderline and insecurities exacerbated by substance abuse? Are we sure its borderline or is this symptomatic of usual recovery?
ElegantlyWasted is offline  
Old 01-26-2012, 07:43 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Engineer, Guitarist, Golfer
Thread Starter
 
zoso77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,381
Blog Entries: 5
Originally Posted by ElegantlyWasted View Post
Sounds like negative/histrionic attention seeking. Have had similar episodes and feel for you my brother. To echo some of the above posts; try not to let it affect you. How do we draw the line between Borderline and insecurities exacerbated by substance abuse? Are we sure its borderline or is this symptomatic of usual recovery?
She's dual diagnosis: addiction and BPD. In a way, I agree with you because the addiction and the BPD have a lot of overlap in terms of the behaviors. But in this instance, she's splitting.

I haven't reacted, nor will I.
zoso77 is offline  
Old 01-26-2012, 07:51 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Kindeyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Blog Entries: 3
Well it sounds like you have a very good attitude toward her strange and toxic behavior. It is puzzling and it seems that she's looking for a reaction and you aren't playing into it. Good for you! That is some great self care.

You have a kind and compassionate heart. You deserve someone who will cherish you for it.

gentle hugs
ke
Kindeyes is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Kindeyes For This Useful Post:
JOIE12 (12-20-2014)
Old 01-26-2012, 08:27 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Engineer, Guitarist, Golfer
Thread Starter
 
zoso77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,381
Blog Entries: 5
Originally Posted by Kindeyes View Post
Well it sounds like you have a very good attitude toward her strange and toxic behavior. It is puzzling and it seems that she's looking for a reaction and you aren't playing into it. Good for you! That is some great self care.

You have a kind and compassionate heart. You deserve someone who will cherish you for it.

gentle hugs
ke
I very much appreciate your kind words.

I do have compassion for her, mostly because she's ill and she's got to be in a very dark frame of mind when she's intentionally trying to hurt people. I don't think any of us are innocent when it comes to lashing out, or saying hurtful things. To me, though, this is different because:

* the manner of which she ended it
* the sadistic delight she took in it
* she still feels the need to twist the knife

It's hurtful. It's sad. But I'd rather be in my shoes than hers.
zoso77 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to zoso77 For This Useful Post:
EverHopeful721 (03-16-2013)
Old 01-26-2012, 08:50 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 32,345
It sound like you know all the right things to do, but you are still dwelling on her actions. Yes, she is sick, and yes the way she ended things and continues to act is sad, but it's just what people with her illness do. How about not letting her continue to live rent-free in your head. Find things to do to take your mind off her and put it back on what is beneficial to you and you own well-being.
suki44883 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to suki44883 For This Useful Post:
anvilhead (01-26-2012), Freedom1990 (01-26-2012), jackien41 (01-26-2012)
Old 01-26-2012, 03:06 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
tjp613's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Blog Entries: 16
I can tell you exactly why she did that. It's not about "twisting the knife" in the usual sense...her ultimate objective is not to hurt you. Her ultimate objective is to get a reaction from you!! She would be very gratified if you would fly into a tizzie -- ANY kind of tizzie -- to demonstrate how much you CARE that she is gone. She is looking for validation of her existence. You are not reacting at all, which says to her that you don't care at all one way or the other. THAT must feel like absolute crap to her.

She's spinning out of control for sure...just be glad you're not in the middle of it. Do NOT get sucked in or it may take weeks to get back out.

That's my $0.02.
tjp613 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to tjp613 For This Useful Post:
Luweez (01-26-2012)
Old 01-26-2012, 06:51 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Engineer, Guitarist, Golfer
Thread Starter
 
zoso77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,381
Blog Entries: 5
Originally Posted by tjp613 View Post
I can tell you exactly why she did that. It's not about "twisting the knife" in the usual sense...her ultimate objective is not to hurt you. Her ultimate objective is to get a reaction from you!! She would be very gratified if you would fly into a tizzie -- ANY kind of tizzie -- to demonstrate how much you CARE that she is gone. She is looking for validation of her existence. You are not reacting at all, which says to her that you don't care at all one way or the other. THAT must feel like absolute crap to her.

She's spinning out of control for sure...just be glad you're not in the middle of it. Do NOT get sucked in or it may take weeks to get back out.

That's my $0.02.
Wow...that's a twist I didn't consider. I mean...

She breaks up via text message, attaches a picture of her and the new, gleefully admits to sleeping with (at least) two other men when she was with me, makes a dramatic show of returning the most precious thing I've ever bought her...and somehow it's all about her trying to get a rise out of me to show her I care that she's gone.

Six months ago, I'd balk at this reasoning. And then I started reading about BPD...my guess is you're dead on the mark.

I'll show that I'm hurt to my friends. I'll write about being hurt here. But she'll never know what I'm thinking or feeling.

Tonight's topic at my meeting was about detachment. And when I shared, I said that you best be prepared for what happens when you detach from your qualifier. Things may not go the way you thought they would. And right now, I'm detached in the sense where I no longer wish to have anything to do with her, but I pray to God to look after her. Pick a reason -- addiction, BPD -- it doesn't matter. She's in God's hands. I want nothing to do with her whatsoever.
zoso77 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to zoso77 For This Useful Post:
tjp613 (01-27-2012)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:53 PM.