Freedom1990

AD has hit a brick wall, with nowhere to live after Friday.

I've had three emotional calls from her today and am knotted up from head to toe.

It was a complete disaster when I temporarily took her in several years ago, and she was out the door in a month's time.

I regrouped in between calls. It's hard to think straight when you are listening to your child on the other end, desperate, sobbing.

Based on where I am at in my recovery, and what I learned from the last time she was living with me, I told her the stay would be very temporary with boundaries firmly in place.

She detailed a plan for me because I told her I wouldn't even consider it until she knew exactly what her goals were once she hit my door, and what it will take to get there.

There will be no computer access/internet at my house. I will not tolerate drugs/alcohol in my house. I will not tolerate her sitting on her butt like she did last time. I will not tolerate disrespect, stealing, or lying. Those things will get her put back out on the curb.

Perhaps I'm in for another painful learning experience. I hope not. I do know I'm further down the road in recovery, and I will never let things spiral like they did last time before I finally kicked her out. I will not ignore red flags this time.

Her stay is very limited, and she'd best be working her butt off with her resources to find other housing and a job.

If she fails again, I can't say I didn't give her one more chance to get her crap together.

Just keep both of us in your prayers.

Ann

Freedom, I know your recovery is strong and in place and you are in a better position to think clearly than you were last time.

Your boundaries are in place, you are prepared to issue the consequence if she messes up. She is lucky to have this chance, I hope she uses it well.

Keeping you both in my prayers, that this all works out for the best.

Hugs and Hugs from one mama to another.

Ilovemysonjj

Freedom, my heart and prayers to go out to you. I hope she knows how much you care and love her for going out on this limb for her. I know I would feel the exact same way if it were my son. It is so extremely hard for us parents to turn away and so we have to hope and pray that our children begin to learn from their mistakes and become the adults we always hoped they would.
Hugs
Teresa

Freedom1990

An excellent suggestion, and one I will put to use!

I will be watching her actions, not listening to words this time around.

dollydo

Wow, I sure hope that this works out for you...keep your toolbox by your side at all times...there is no doubt that you know how to use every tool.

Sending positive vibes and support your way.

laurie6781

WOW, OBOY, Oh chit, and a few others went through my head, lol

I do believe I understand where this is coming from, and yes you have done everything possible to give her the means to go to recovery, and now are doing it ONE MORE TIME.

Keep my number close please.

You are doing what you have to do for you. I understand that, however, I would suggest that you put up your 7 foot wide and 7 foot thick stainless wall and treat her and react to her, as much as possible as if she was your sponsee. This will allow you to have a 'bit of perspective' on what is going on in your home.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Morning Glory

I had the same phone calls from my son this morning and decided to say no.
He is homeless and gave up his job.
I gave him 7 phone numbers he can use to call for help.

I wasn't quite awake and had a moment of dreamy insanity over the whole thing. I had to call a couple of people to validate my decision. It never gets easy.

If you end up having to put her out again you will regroup and be fine. She will be no worse off than she is now and you will have experience that will make you stronger if there is a next time around.

I really hope she does well and uses this opportunity. If you see a red flag before she moves in you can always change your mind and say no.

Impurrfect

(((DeVon))) - wow, things do happen to throw us for a loop, don't they?

I believe that you have some really good recovery in place. I believe that, no matter what has happened in the past, you're a mom and you're doing what you feel you need to do. I believe that if things "head south", you will hold fast to all that you've learned as an A, RA, and a mom of an A. I believe that should you have doubts, you will pick up the phone and get or get on the computer and ask for guidance. I believe you have a heart of gold, but when it all boils down to it - you will do what is best for YOU!

Lots of love, hugs and prayers coming your way,

Amy

zoso77

When I go to Al Anon meetings, the stories that touch me the most are stories like yours. I don't have children, and likely never will, so I can't imagine what it's like to watch someone you've brought into the world struggle with this horrible disease.

I will be thinking of your daughter before I go to sleep tonight, and I will be thinking of you as well. Be safe.

wicked

DeVon,

Boy! Do I ever understand this..You will be fine, because all along the way you have been learning new things. And, maybe something wonderful will happen.
I am the most optimistic major depressive I know. LOL
Keep your eyes peeled for both possibilities.
Oops sounds like advice.
But, IMHO this is how I would like to see myself, disciplined about my children, but always hopeful.

Beth

EnglishGarden

Wishing you the best outcome for you both, Freedom. The sobs must have been pretty powerful to make you change your mind about letting her back in. Your higher power will be with you and whatever you need to learn and know about yourself, you will. You will be all right.

Job, resources.....but what about her mental health treatment? I don't know the history, but in general, without mental health treatment, some things just don't improve. I hope that is part of her plan.

I am a mother, too, and I know how hard this surely has been on you. God bless you and guide you.

CatsPajamas

Boy I get it... this mom stuff isn't easy. I love Anvil's suggestion of writing down the rules and having them posted prominently. I'm going to keep that in mind for the next time I'm faced with a challenging situation like this one.

You can clearly line out the rules, agreements and consequences... and then have the strength to follow thru. I remember a few dark times when I had to remind myself over and over again: "My son has some really important life lessons to learn, and apparently they aren't from me." It was the only way I could reconcile myself to the fact that he was out there doing what he was doing, and I couldn't help him or save him.

DeVon, your recovery is strong, and so is your love for your daughter. My hope and prayer is that those 2 things can work together for everyone's benefit.

Big mom hugs,
Cats

Freedom1990

She's been seeing a counselor for several years now, and is under the care of a psychiatrist for her psychiatric meds. This is all done through a mental health center, which has a clinic here in town, as well as one where she was living.

There are a lot of stipulations via the courts since these last felony drug charges, including getting a job, continued counseling, and drug classes. She has an employment specialist through the courts whom she sees once a week.
I wouldn't even have entertained the thought had those not already been in place.

There is a part of me that is scared. There is also the part of me that knows it's time to dig even harder into my own recovery. I had a meeting last night, Alanon is on Fridays, and another AA meeting on Sundays here. I've got almost eight years more recovery under my belt since the last fiasco under my roof, so I'm willing to give her one more chance, albeit much differently this time.

My second biggest concern was how this would affect my relationship with my youngest daughter as she has completely distanced herself from her sister. Amber has a right to feel how she does, and handle it like she does. When she came to pick up her dog yesterday (I watch one of her dogs during the afternoons while she's at her nanny job). I explained my decision and told her I hoped it wouldn't affect our relationship, which she assured me it didn't.

I already have plans for Saturday to take videos of Amber running barrels at an open jackpot here in town. I will be there.

Kindeyes

We can only do what our mother's heart allows us to live with. You and your dear daughters will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

MsPINKAcres

sending out prayers and BIG PINK MOM hugs your way!

Rita

catlovermi

Velcro your ear to your Alanon sponsor...

Sending support...

CLMI

Freedom1990

No worries. I have a black belt AA/Alanon sponsor!

hope2be

Freedom:

I can totally understand where you are coming from. Wouldn't it be so easy if we could just turn that Mother-love switch off when we need to? However, that wouldn't be living life....Motherhood, I've learned comes with a wide array of feelings from euphoric joy to the darkest despair.

I am in the process of selling my house, because I just don't have enough energy/recovery to throw 3 ACs out. At least you waited until she called you...I arranged for the last one to come back home, because I didn't want to see him homeless. If I don't stop this foolishness, I'll be homeless!

Please keep posting...I am once again learning so much from this board...it's almost like a crystal ball to see into the future.

Prayers and huggs,
Hope

greeteachday

Keeping you and your daughters in my prayers, Freedom. I know it was a difficult decision, but you've got solid recovery and are doing what you need to do for you.

newnormal4me

Look at you! You have all of these ladies covering you. ;-)

You are one of the finest examples of recovery here and I know you can handle this. But I'll say some prayers for you anyway! Take care of yourself!