DontBurnThePig

My ABF has ruined things once again. He sabotaged his job getting high at work, has stolen money from me, and has basically put me in a position where I want him out of the house immediately.

I am his last hope, nobody else will take him in, and I can't bring myself to putting him out on the street - especially since we have kids and I feel it would be a great tragedy for him to not be able to see them.

He has no money, I have no money to pay for him to go to rehab....but he says he wants help. Does anyone know of an organization that can help him? He is looking into something called the Calvary House which would house him and cover his board in return for manual labor and a commitment to God and ministry for like a year.

Are there any other options out there?

For those of you who have made a loved one move out when they had nowhere to go, HOW did you do it? How did you make that final decision to have them on the streets?

suki44883

Not allowing him to fully face the consequences of his bad decisions is called enabling. Enabling never helped anyone get straight and sober. If you keep putting a pillow under him when he falls, he has no reason to get better.

The Salvation Army has a free rehabilitation program. Google one in your area. He doesn't have to live on the streets if he doesn't want to, but having someone in your home who lies, steals, and does not treat you with respect is unacceptable to most people, especially when children are involved.

Heartbroken0608

I am so sorry for your situation. I know how much it hurts. What helped me when I faced a similar situation with my son was that I finally realized that by providing him a safe place to sleep, food to eat, etc I was only giving him a comfortable place to continue and progress in his addiction...I was slowly loving him to death. Letting him experience the natural consequences of using drugs, stealing, etc is the most loving thing you can do for him.

Your children need to be your primary concern. To quote someone else on here, "addicts are not fit to parent". Take a look at some of the threads on the ACOA forum to see the emotional damage experienced by children growing up in a home with an addicted parent.

There are lots of resources available to an addict who is serious about changing. If he's serious about doing so he will find those resources himself. If you feel you must help find a couple hotline numbers to get him started but then leave the rest up to him. He needs to take full and total responsibility for his own recovery.

I'd highly recommend you read as much as you can on this forum and that you find some local alanon/naranon meetings to attend. I was so scared to go to my first meeting, but the support I found has made such a big difference in my life.

I'm relatively new here and I certainly don't have all the answers but I'm sure others will be along soon with more help.

Take care of yourself and your precious babies!

DontBurnThePig

Thanks for your responses.

I have been to Alanon. Right now, it is hard for me to make it a priority because I have a full time job, and twin toddlers at home. When I'm not at work, they are my focus.

I don't plan to do any of the work for him, I just want to provide him with resources he otherwise might not find. If I can give him phone numbers, he can do leg work.

In my twisted mind, it comes down to 2 options: HELP him by providing him with info or kick him out and give him no chance at recovery.

suki44883

His chances at recovery have nothing to do with you. If he doesn't want it, nothing you can do will make him want it. If he does want it, nothing you can do will make him NOT want it. If he truly wants recovery, he will find it without your help. I know that sounds harsh, but you are not his last chance, last hope, or anything else with regard to his recovery or lack thereof.

DontBurnThePig

Ok, you have a good point....but is it wrong of me to want to help him?

I was merely creating this thread to get resources that I could pass along to him. He is trying to get sober, but I don't think he is quite as savvy with the research as I am so I thought it would be good to offer some help.

suki44883

It is human nature for us to want to help our loved ones when they are struggling. The problem is with addicts. They promise all kinds of things just to shut us up for a while. If he can figure out how to support his habit, he can figure out how to find recovery. There are AA meetings all over the place. All he has to do is walk into one. There are doctors all over the place. All he has to do is go see one. People found recovery long before there was ever such a thing as a computer.

hope213

welcome to S.R. in order for him to get the help he needs is for him to want it. if he wants it bad enough he can find it. he will find it. read around all the post & read the stickys at the top of the forum. keep coming back.

EnglishGarden

This is an excellent thread. Thank you, SR veterans.

Kindeyes

Other posters have answered your questions very well but I'll throw in my voice anyway.

Resources

There are several resources for help for a person highly motivated toward recovery. AA and NA are free resources where he can find help and support from others who desire recovery. Salvation Army or DSHS (they may call it something else in Florida) are other options.

How did I ask my addicted love one to leave?

I've had to do it more than once. It's painful and difficult but I reached my bottom and knew that my love was killing him and killing me. I did it to save the one I could. Me. And gave my son the dignity to find his own way out of the mess he has made of his life. That story is still unfolding and I don't know what the outcome will be. He is in God's hands.

Is it wrong to help someone you love?

As a general rule, no. It's not wrong to help someone you love. But to every rule there is an exception that proves it. Addiction is the exception that proves the rule.

Take care of yourself and those little children.

gentle hugs
ke

zoso77

His recovery, if there is one, has nothing to do with what you do or don't do. It has everything to do with his choices. He is the one that will ultimately decide if he's going to embrace recovery.

We hate seeing those we love suffer, and naturally we want to help them. But you have to stay out of his way. If you have to throw him out to protect you, then that's your decision. I wish you all the best during this difficult time.

KelleyF

Higher Power help me.....I have to respond.

I dont think it is wrong to want to help him by providing this info.

As long as you understand that you are not obligated to do this. And any info you give him - he is not obligated to act upon it.

Because to me - this is where the difficulty comes in. If in the end, You feel like you gave...and he just ignored you and took from you one more time.....
thats a negative for you.

I think everyone is correct in saying that if he wanted to find help; he would do it - just like he would find drugs.

But if this is something you want to do - then do it. If in the end, its going to have a positive affect on your spirit.... then there is no harm done. Because its about YOU.

yellieee

I know your intentions are good, but you can not save/help him. HE needs to decide that he is ready to get clean. I am a recovering addict so I know that as confused and lost as we may seem, we aren't.

We are manipulating, resourceful, and will suck you dry when we are actively using. If he puts even half the effort into getting clean/finding resources as he did to feeding his addiction, I bet you that you will be shocked at how far he can come.

As stated above, I would not allow him to see the children until he is completely sober and can prove it with a drug test. Until he stops his love affair with drugs, he is no use to you or your children.

I hope that everything works out and he follows so many of us on here and chooses to be clean. You have to remember that no matter what happens, it is not your fault and you could not have done anything to change it.

*Yelliee

Impurrfect

I don't think it's wrong to provide someone with references, as long as that's all we do and we leave the rest to them. My problem was having expectations connected with the information. I got all bent out of shape when they didn't follow up or discounted everything with one excuse or another.

The few years I've been here, I've gotten better at saying "here's some information, and this (whatever the situation is) is what I will, and will not tolerate".

I'm also an RA, and if it weren't for my loved ones allowing me to face consequences and figure out ways to get my life back? I doubt I'd be coming up on 5 years in recovery.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy