FindingJoy

Hi
First let me say thank you to all who post as this forum has been a great help to me since I found it two days ago.
My EXAB and u were together for 2years and knew each other 1 year before dating. I ended things for real 3 weeks ago. Meaning I actually followed though and I haven't seen him and only have spoken to him once. Yea for me!

I'm so confused and maybe you can offer some insight. My EXAB stopped drinking 7 months ago and was in AA. It was a roller coaster ride of promises, love, lies, rejection, anger, passion, kindness, meaness, more lies...
After he quit drinking (side note: he also prior to meeting me was a pill addict of any kind fom oxytocin to ambien to anything anyone had) and was in AA he was better for a week and then it was the exact same person just toned down a notch or two without slurring. He was still extremely selfish, a liar about everything from what he ate to whether I woke him up or not. Bottom line no freakin difference without the booze or pills. After about 3 months of being "sober" I has a bad cold and went in fridge to get some prescription strength cough syrup and the consistency was like water versus being thick. At first I thought maybe it went bad as I had it for a long time. So I shook the bottle and tried some and gee it also tasted like water.
Without going into all of the details. I did confront him he lied whie looking right in my eyes with total conviction no flinching. Finally I said you don't need to lie or even sy anything I know the truth and so do you. He started crying and being the good little Codie I felt bad for him. SO since then he claims to have been 100% sober. By the way he had taken that cough syrup 3 week prior to me finding it and didn't loose any sleep over it, met with his sponsor and went to AA meetings and none of them knew either.
OK so his behavior was great for a week and then back to the same old pattern except it seemed like he was lying less but who knows. So if he's really working the program why is the behavior pattern still the same? Seems really weird to me. I just don't get it. Or maybe I'm not seeing something. Some guidance PLEASE.

dollydo

Because he is supposedly clean and sober does not change who he is. If he is a liar by nature, he will continue to lie.

He will not become someone who he is not just because he has stopped using.

Keep working on you!

outtolunch

He's your ex for a reason.

With or without alcohol and booze he's got issues. Sobriety does not turn people into the hopeful fantasy of of what we need or want in a relationship.

" I will not be in a relationship with a liar" is a sound boundary. It does not attempt to control his behavior. Rather, it protects you.

10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up their Lives by Laura Schlessinger is a gem of a book that's been around for a long time. You can pick up a used copy dirt cheap at Amazon.

suki44883

As I always sometimes say...Wring the alcohol out of an asshat and you're left with an asshat.

Charon

The program of AA asserts that it's not solely about alcohol - it's primarily about changing our alcoholic personality and becoming the kind of person we should have been all along. Unless he embraces that wholeheartedly he ain't gonna' change. Not drinking and being a sober person are two completely different things.

MsPINKAcres

aren't you glad to realize you deserve something so much more?

although it is painful now ~ please realize you have walked away from an unhealthy situation and allow yourself the ability to heal, work on yourself and be open to whatever your HP has designed for you!

prayers for the very best for you!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

FindingJoy

Thank you do much for your replies very helpful in putting things in perspective as I'm new to Codie Recovery. Interesting how Luce works my phone rng this morning and it was HIM (ExAB) im taking it easy today as I've lost my voice with being sick. For whatever reason I answered and I've only answered one other call of his in the last 3 weeks. It was Gods why of reminding me how toxic he is to my life. He acted surprised that I sounded so sick as us Codie's aren't suppose to get sick. If we are sick how can we take care of them?

I asked why he was calling and he said well just to check in...in a why ar you do surprised voice. When I didn't give him the response he was looking for he hit me with his go to statement that always pisses me off "why are you so angry and upset?" saying it in a way like I'm crazy for feeling this way and I have no right to be. So I said I'm not playing thus game anymore do not contact me. He said something mean and I did say F off and hang up. It's just what came out of my mouth. My HP knew u needed a reminder on why I need no contact.

It just doesn't make sense how someone can profess their love, saying everything about how their actions have hurt others, he has a sponsor, blah blah BUT his actions don't match. There is no patience compassion true empathy for those he has hurt deeply. He wants life to be an etch and sketch where in a instant all of the wrongs are wiped away and forgiven. If they aren't he forces his will though manipulatioin, anger, acting like I'm crazy, etc.

I am so hurt and discusted at the same time. I fell in Lo e with a man who doesn't exist it was just someone who he created in order to suck me in. Really I didn't know that people could look you dead in the eyes and lie for hours with conviction and even tears. Very disturbing. Makes me wonder if I'll find a healthy man in the future

suki44883

Just wondering why you still have contact with him if he is your ex. It's much easier to get past something if it isn't constantly in your face. No contact will ensure that you don't get pulled back into the madness.

Learn to love yourself. Find out what YOU want for YOU that does not involve a man. When we are happy with ourselves and know who we really are, it affects the choices we make regarding relationships.

zoso77

Tell me about it. Ten days before my ex left me, she wanted to talk about marriage. And then I get a series of text messages, dumping me, telling me how she had no grace or dignity with me, telling me she slept with two other men while she lived with me for a time, etc. It was sadistic.

What I've had to do is remind myself daily that she's sick. In my case, she's dual diagnosis: addiction and BPD. Healthy people don't do what she did. And healthy people don't do what your ex did, either.

When you go to a Al Anon or a Nar Anon meeting, you have to somehow decouple your "stuff" from your qualifier's "stuff". In other words, whatever you have to take ownership of, you do so and leave the rest to your ex. And if he doesn't take ownership of it, that's not your problem. That's his problem.

None of this is easy, of course. I'm suffering tremendously at this moment. But at least I know, unequivocally, I made my best good faith effort to be a loving support. And I'm thankful every day for the people in my life that have supported me through this. So, when you're suffering, take a minute and think about the things you do have and be grateful for them. Practice doing that every day. It does make a difference.

Zoso

FindingJoy

You are right I need to stop asking WHY and focus on my self and my needs. As for why i was in any contact with my ex well not seeing him for 3 weeks was a huge step for me considering I treated to leave him at least 2 dozens times and never followed through. This was me actually following thru. Yes I did break down after a series if sweet text messages, emailing pictures, cards, gifts, etc...but as another member pointed out to be that manulipation comes in all form not just mean and negative. He is the master at charm, words both spoken and written, gifts with meaning (appear to have meaning), and he even has conversations with my mom or friends and tries to manulipate them.

Bottom line is he is focusing all of his energy on trying to get me where he wants me instead of on his own recovery. AND I'm focusing energy on why this and why that? Trying to understand his crazy behavior instead of working on my self and my needs. Thank god this forum exists that I am very grateful for.

SuzyMarie

Hi FindingJoy, I am fairly new here, too...maybe a month or so. Anyway, I totally sympathize with what you are feeling right now. I made my ex ABF of 7 years leave our home back in November. He is in a half way house and attending AA. To hear him tell it, he is doing great, he loves me and wants a future with me, he is focusing on himself...a lot of quacking, as they say on these boards. Well, his ACTIONS say otherwise. He has already latched on to another female in the program, he has relapsed three times and any time I did take his calls they always ended up with him blaming me and my children and everyone else for his situation. He lies about most everything. Even when he had stretches througout our relationship where he did not do drugs, he still lied and had poor judgement. It can really make you wonder if you are crazy!! Being away from it really puts things in perspective. I realize I need to focus on myself and not worry about how his Higher Power is going to deal with him and it is very hard at times. I am not waiting for him to genuinely be sorry because that may NEVER happen. I am delving into WHY I put up with such bad behavior and continued to enable him for years. I attend Al Anon meetings, journal all my feelings and have read and done the exercises out of both Melody Beattie's books on codependency and these boards have been a God send! Work on YOU and you will draw a healthy relationship to yourself in the future! I KNOW I will.

rachelwahlen

In our deep down feelings we know that the addict is doing wrong, sneaking and lieing and they are trying to hide but it never works. This is their pattern and they are good at conning us. I am now married to a recovering addict and it has been a bumpy road. He went 6 months clean while in a rehab program. My son was in addiction and I met my future husband while my son was in the program, that was 10 years ago. We have been married 9 years now and separated three times.

We worked at the rehab facility after he graduated from the program. I worked with the family members or loved ones suffering from the affects of the addict and my husband was working with the addicts in the program. Within the year of our marriage I caught him sneaking something to drink when we were off the property. He tried to deny it when a few other things came out. The truth can be in front of us and we want so bad to believe this is not happening and this person will not do this to me if he loves me.
I allowed myself to get so upset and ended up in depression. They seem to be so good at making us feel guilty so they can take the focus off themselves. They are also good at saying very hurtful things. After finally realizing that I could no longer live like this I too made the choice to leave. It turned out to be the best thing for me. I moved away so he would not know how to get up with me. Some time went by and I found out where he was and he was deeper in his addiction and having no licence, I tried to help him shop and get some things done. He ended up getting into more trouble and ended up in prison for 6 months. He wanted me to keep all his tools which were many so I said ok. While he was there I only visited him one time. When he got out, I picked him up and thought it may work to go back together. In less than six months he was sneaking around drinking again and ended up being real ugly to my mom so I told him he had to leave. He left and went back into the program he was in before for another 6 months. I did not contact him and he kept writing to me. He said he deserved what happened to him and said he was giving me to God. I prayed and read the bible and decided maybe one more time. I moved back at the facility again and started back doing the family recovery. This time things were fine. The only real problem I have had to go through here is he still has this bad attitude towards me and sometimes makes me feel like he just doesn't love me. I have questioned him several times about why he was so hateful all the time. Recently I dropped him off to work and he was able to get to the store and I thought he was drinking but I was afraid to confront him until I could really tell it. I just came out and said I am not playing this game with you and there is no need to deny it but I know you are drinking. I said I will not go through this again and if I find you drinking again then we are finished. He knows I mean business and I do!

We don't always know the right thing to do at times like this but it is important to realize that we allow a lot of things to happen to us. I will not be able to change him and I no longer want to but I can change me. We can want the best for others but they have to wake up and really want it for themselves. When they make that decision then they realize the change that has to happen. We have to worry about our own welfare and that of our children. Give it all to God and trust Him that He will work it out. I have learned through all of my mess here that I have certainly gotten ahead of God and as the word says we reap what we sow. God bless you and give you the peace and comfort you need. You are not alone.

FindingJoy

Well I have officially started no contact since the episode this morning when I had a weak moment and picked up the phone. He keeps texting me even though I said very firmly do not contact in any way anymore. Gee why am I not surprised that he isn't respecting my boundaries.
Since its been 3 weeks without seeing jimmy stress level is drastically decreased. Just not having to hear the BS chatter and the same lines over and over again. So I know and trust that NC will decrease my stress even further and allow light, love for my self and joy to enter.
The Whys I chose to focus on now are why would I allow my self to be treated with anything less than love honesty and respect every day?
Why do I get so scared to be alone? Why do I have this compulsion to put others needs before my own AND then bitch about it?
The forum and books on codependency are so helpful right now. We all are so strong and beautiful and we deserve the best self love EVER.

suki44883

Said gently...You can't expect him to respect your boundaries if you aren't willing to do so yourself. Maybe you should block him from calling or texting or emailing you. If you really want to not hear from him, then do what is necessary to achieve that. Basically, you need to figure out what it is that you truly want.

outtolunch

We create boundaries to define our own bottom line. Others may or may not respect our boundaries. We don't control this. When they don't, we take responsibility for our boundary and remove ourself from the situation.

Any boundary is only as good as our willingness to enforce it. You could cease to read or respond or change your phone #. This is the part, you control.

Charon

Reminds me of a line from "Late for the Sky" Jackson Browne - "You never knew what I loved in you, I don't know what you loved in me - maybe the vision of somebody you were hoping I might be".

It actually needs to be reversed to fit: I never knew what you loved in me, you don't know what I loved in you - maybe the vision of somebody I was hoping you might be.

BTW I think Jackson Browne is the greates musical poet ever. Better than Paul Simon. He has a way of putting words together that is just unbelievable. Sorry to get off subject.