cad235

Well I've gotten to the point where I feel that my cocaine-AH has stolen from me for the last time, lied to me for the last time, called me a f- ****** for the last time, blamed his behavior and addiction on me for the last time, scared me for the last time... I actually hate him... despise him and now that I am standing up for myself, he is worse than ever.

He has to go to court tomorrow for a DUI. He was caught over a year ago but has paid off the lawyer for the last year to get him out of it. He'll lose his license for 45 days I think. I don't think he is nervous about actually losing his license, but he is scared about not being able to easily get drugs anymore. So tonight, of course, he went out for his last night of driving hurrah! I can't understand where he gets money but I know he steals it indirectly from me and the business one way or another.

I never thought it would get to this point... 2 years ago I was almost accepting his addiction, sitting on the couch with him while he was high as a kite... and now... I hate him. I have no regrets for being with him because we have a beautiful little girl... but I don't want him in my life anymore. I have never hated someone so much...

Impurrfect

(((cad)))- been there, done that, got the t-shirts in a rainbow of colors. Of course, I'm also the recovering-crack-addict

It's okay to be done. I remember a friend of mine who was getting a divorce (no drug/alcohol use involved). She told me about her STXH buying her a dozen roses, and she told him "too little, too late".

I left my crack-addict bf because I realized that no matter if he chose recovery (he never did, died in a crack house), I'd never get over the worrying about coming home and finding everything I owned being sold/pawned/traded for crack..that he'd be gone. He had a way longer history of abuse than I did, but I just knew...deep in my heart, I'd never trust him again.

I will tell you, though, that the anger (for me) was just one of the phases I went through. After that, there was grief and pain. What helped me was to keep a list of all the reasons our relationship HAD to end...trust being the main one.

I'm glad you're taking care of you, I get what you're feeling, and I'm glad you're here...nothing like others who have been in our shoes to help us through it

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

cad235

Thanks Amy... I know I will feel sorry for him later. He said to me last night "I'm trying to get my f life in order and you're not f helping me!" He isn't trying anything. He went to outpatient for 5 days... never followed up or went to meetings. Was actually thrown out of the program for telling everyone at a meeting that he was going to drink and smoke pot that weekend because those things weren't his problem. As for helping him... my god I have never helped anyone more. Emotionally and financially... Referring to his "you're not helping me" comment... yes I'm not helping him get drugs and am questioning all his spending.

lonelystar

I can understand your anger, somehow we are the ones that are holding them back, making there lives worse, making them drug and drink and loose control of themselves I hear that alot my son is the addict and I can honeslty say i love him but HATE that he choose to be a junkie in life, which is what i figured him out to be all he thinks about is getting is hands on drugs he will crush anything and everything is his path .......

Kindeyes

When I went through the process of deciding to divorce my AXH, I went through all of the stages of grief (plus a few I think). When dealing with an addict, we often cycle through those stages over and over again before we finally get to the point of moving on and healing.

Anger is ok. It's a great catalyst for change and is definitely one of the stages of grief. What you are calling hate may actually be ANGER and a whole LOT of it. And it's a very important step in healing.

I let go of that anger many many many years ago. My AXH is holding onto his anger (because of course, I am to blame for everything that has gone wrong in his life for the last 29 years) and he vomits that anger and hatred of me to our son (who is also addicted). It is sad.....

But I'm ok. I'm happily married for 27 years. I am coping with our son's addiction the best I am able with a lot of help from Al-Anon and Nar-Anon and the friends that I have met there.

That anger (or hatred) is your tool right now and it is an effective tool. But once it has achieved it's purpose, I hope you'll be able to let it go and lead a happy life. You deserve it.

gentle hugs
ke

tjp613

This reminds me of another of my favorite mantras: You cannot reason with an unreasonable person. Talk about a waste of time!! Your energy is better spent elsewhere! ((((Hugs))))

cad235

My plan is to first go to a lawyer to get the business transferred to him... either that or I will have to dissolve it. He will be furious but I can't keep trying to keep a business going when the one employee doing everything is snorting some of the cash coming in... If he does a job and gets cash... it's gone. I get the checks only. That step will allow me to get away from him. The business is holding me hostage because it is his pay and therefore my pay to make ends meet. If I can accomplish that... things will be easier. He doesn't want the business in his name because he FIRST wants to file bankruptcy on his past debt (from credit card use and cash withdrawals to support his drug use). I will see what the lawyer says about that and go from there.

On a side note, he got out of his DUI charge yesterday because after over a year of postponing, his lawyer wants to fight it because the breathalyzer records weren't up to date with calibrations. I couldn't believe it! My AH always seems to get out of everything. We'll see if he wins... I know he was drunk when I drove at 2AM in a snowstorm to the police station to get him. I wish I would have left him there! I don't know how he has done this for so long especially driving around high with drugs on him.

Ann

As angry as we may be when we get there, reaching the "enough" point can be the beginning of something new and better.

We can either live in the problem (their addiction) or live in the solution (our recovery) but we cannot live in both at the same time.

Move forward girl, and let the rest of your life include happiness, peace and joy. Bet you haven't experienced any of those for a long time. But you can when you are ready.

Starting anew with no money is better than remaining where you are with all the money in the world. You will survive, I promise.

Hugs

outtolunch

Who is paying this lawyer?

cad235

I took the initial $2000 out of my savings and then it came from both of us... $500 each time we postponed it because my AH didn't want to face the music and wanted to continue to be able to use his CDL. All together it's cost about $4000 so far and he owes another $500... I know. And thanks ANN... Now that I'm focusing on myself and my daughter, I already feel a sense of relief. I will always wish my AH the best but refuse to let his addiction drag me down. It already has taken so much away from me...

thailand

I have to agree with the others... anger was the reason that I was able to leave my exAH. At that point I really felt like I hated him too. But it gave me the strength and willpower to step away. It was the fuel, and I am thankful, because nothing he could say or do at that point could change my mind. And he was oh so good at manipulating. But it was too late. But like Impurrfect and Kindeyes said, you can't avoid the grief. It's stayed with me long after the anger faded. And there are times that I have to remind myself of the craziness I walked away from.