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What do I do now?

Old 01-21-2012, 06:55 PM
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What do I do now?

BG: I was married for 15 years. Xh had a drug addiction problem when he was an adolescent, and used tobacco when we met/married. He quit using tobacco one year, and was being quite successful. Then, he got into a horrible auto accident that required one emergency (trauma) surgery and several follow-up surgeries for multiple injuries. During that time, he got addicted to his painkillers. He lost two jobs and used all of our rather ample savings starting a business that ultimately failed. During all of this, we had a baby, and I left my job (thinking our business was doing well enough) to stay home with her.

Early last year, we had the house on the market. It was too much for us to afford with the job he had at the time. It was my idea to sell it, but I did want to stay in the town we were living in, but in a smaller home. He kept insisting we move wayyyy out in the country where housing was cheaper. (Yes, it was slightly cheaper, but the slightly cheaper housing and lower taxes woudl not off-set the gas money spent for him to drive into town.)

Not long after we made an offer on a house, he lost his second job. He insisted on returning to school. He has an ivy league education that I worked many years to help him pay off. He insisted that I send him back to school to study something different, and that all of the proceeds from the sale of our house woudl need to go to funding that AND I woudl need to work and take care of us. I'm a teacher by trade. Normally, getting a job isn't difficult. However, I knew it might not happen in this current climate of funding cuts. Also, he was wanting to be supported fully, and at the lifestyle he wanted.
(We had enough to fully pay for a mobile home to keep overhead low, but he was refusing.)

As for his drug addiction, he kept asking me to help him get clean. He would ask me to dole only so many per day to him. However, he would find the stash and milk a few extra. Eventually, I started hiding them in the attic. It was a PITA getting them for him, and he was constantly trying to find them. I believe he was also getting Rx on the side for more.
One day, he came to me and said that the DEA was investigating him, according to a pharmacist where he purchased some of his drugs. He came to me for help.
I did a bit of research, and found that the only thing that would help him was inpatient.
At this time, neither of us had a job, our house was about to sell (Thank, G-d), and we had no more money in savings.
His plan was that we purchase a mobile home, but get a loan for some of it.
I demanded he go to inpatient, or I would divorce him. He gave me every reason in the book why he couldn't. We didn't have money. When I mentioned the free clinics, they weren't good enough. When I mentioned a Christian organization that we used to attend funraisers for, he didn't want to do that b/c it was a 13 month in-patient deal.
I left.
At that point, I was happy to be getting rid of him, but felt guilty for walking out on our marriage, especially since we had a baby. I realized later that he basically high-jacked my marriage vows with the notion that I had to put up with anything he pulled since I made a lifetime promise. Well, I decided to break it.
After a short time away from him, I started to see the YEARS of lies (the lies and manipulation were going on long before the drug use), and I'm still uncovering much of it.
But I am glad to be away from him now, and my only regret is not leaving him sooner.
I also realize that our constant moves, including the last one, was to get me away from friends that I had made in the community that threatened his control.

FF to today. Two different lawyers told me prior to the divorce that most judges would grant him unsupervised visitation since his drug use was not well documented, and that he had not done anything to actually put the baby at risk.
By the time the divorce rolled around, he had blown his half of the money from selling the house (I was wise enough to follow my mother and my lawyer's advice to get separate checks and to have the title co document this). He did not hire a lawyer, telling me he had no more money. He wanted me to let go of mine and just agree outside of court, but I retained mine. He agreed to supervised visitations, as long as he could see her when he wanted and with sufficient notice. He also agreed to a child support amount so low that it doesnt cover child care.
I've secured a temporary teaching job, but am still having to live with relatives. He does not see her often. He does pay me, but seldom on time.

I told him before the divorce that he would need to pass a series of drug tests before I would let him see her unsupervised. He finally came to the house a few weeks ago with a home drug test, and was insistent on taking it now. I was incredibly suspicious. I suspected anything from him having a separate urine sample or simply getting of the drugs long enough to pass the drug screen as he had done once before to get a job.
I felt I was being deceived, but couldn't put my finger on it.

Here is where I need help: how can I pinpoint where he's telling lies? And how do I let him drug test w/o him manipulating it?
I can't simply tell him to go away... if he takes me to court, I'm afraid of what might happen. I need to work with him on this, but i also cannot be manipulated into turning my child over to him when he's still using.

I've looked for books and tried message boards for advice, but it's never what I need. They (books or people) tell me to not go back to him, or to fight him in court. A) I'm not going back to him. That is settled well in my mind. B) Two lawyers (one being a family friend and a local judge) have told me what I could expect in a courtroom.
I'm needing to know how to best tell when a pill popper is manipulating, and how to overcome this.
For years he lied to me and I believed him. Even now, I find myself just believing his lies until I have time to chew on them later. It's a habit.

What do I do? I am in the healing process, and I know that I will be well in time. But I need to protect my child. I need to know enough about the mind of a pill popper that I do not get decieved and put my child in harm's way. And I can't find a book out there that will tell me this.
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Old 01-21-2012, 07:32 PM
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Whew. Breathe.

If there were easy answers to your questions, many of us wouldn't need to be here.

Take it one day at a time. One decision at a time. And take care of yourself first. Personally, when I just can't find an answer, I pray. And then I wait quietly for an answer-- sometimes for days--but the answer often comes if I don't force it.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 01-21-2012, 07:42 PM
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I think taking your time is a really good idea. If something doesn't feel right to you, you have the right to say "I'm going to have to think about it and get back to you."

I'm not sure about the drug tests, but I've been told by others on this board that the hair follicle test cannot be faked or cheated on.
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Old 01-21-2012, 07:49 PM
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Request a hair follicle test or blood test. Have yoru attorney subpoena his RX records from his pharmacy.

Do what ever you have to do to protect your child.
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Old 01-21-2012, 07:58 PM
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If the 2 family friend lawyers are not 'expert' in family law, they they know diddly ****!

You get the 'supervised visitation', 'ordered' by the court, with x # of drug tests before visitation each time. Both the supervision (usually a social worker connected to CPS) and the 'drug tests' (possibly even 'hair tests' rather than UA) performed by a qualified lab, and he PAYS not you.

I hope you have 'your proof' cause you will need all of it. You may not get all, but you will get some of what you request, talk to a 'family law attorney', one that has handled lots and lots of divorces.

Make sure all your 'proof' includes the years you worked and put him through school and continued to work to pay off the loans.

You know you can do some 'interviewing' of attorneys and get some of your questions answered in that Pro Bono 1/2 hour or hour they give to a prospective new client.

I understand that you want ot do as much as you can to save on costs, however, something like a 'child supervised visitation order' has a lot more 'power' to the addict and for you to enforce, than just an agreement signed by the two of you.

I am very glad to hear that you are taking care of you and your child!!!!! Every state is different to some degree on their family laws, more and more states are giving 'supervised visitation' when one of the spouses is an active A.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 01-22-2012, 04:11 PM
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It is written in our divorce decree that he has supervised visitation, and that it is supervised by me. However, nothing about his drug addiction has ever been documented.
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Old 01-22-2012, 10:49 PM
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Here is where I need help: how can I pinpoint where he's telling lies? And how do I let him drug test w/o him manipulating it?
I can't simply tell him to go away... if he takes me to court, I'm afraid of what might happen. I need to work with him on this, but i also cannot be manipulated into turning my child over to him when he's still using.
MammaMia,
If he is an active addict, he is lying when his lips are moving. He will do anything to protect his use of drugs.
You cannot work with him on this, he will work you until he gets his way, that is what it looks like from your post. Nothing is good enough for him.

If nothing has been documented to date, then start now

Keep the emotion out of it, (that *&^%!!!) just left my house and his eyes were quite red, he tried to avoid me and stumbled a little. Good thing his mom is driving. He smelled like the floor of an ancient bar!
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Old 01-22-2012, 10:51 PM
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I am sorry MammaMia, my post sounded a little aggressive.
A divorce decree is hard to change, but visitation schedules can change at any time.
Just for problems like this.
I hope you find a way to keep baby safe.

Beth
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Old 01-22-2012, 11:04 PM
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It is written in our divorce decree that he has supervised visitation, and that it is supervised by me. However, nothing about his drug addiction has ever been documented.
Start documenting like Beth Suggested. Every time he comes to visit. Then you petition the court to change the Supervision to a Social Worker from CPS as it has become 'emotionally and mentally' challenging dealing with his mood swings, his outbursts, etc. When you petition, with some proof, be it nasty emails, ranting text messages,etc is when you also petition that he has to be drug tested, preferably hair or blood, no UA.

You may need your attorney again, but before you do that, talk to the Clerk of Family Court. Many times the Clerks are very helpful in assisting with what paperwork you need and how to word it.

That way, you have also 'beat' him into court. Also see if the pharmacy(ies) he uses will print you out the prescriptions filled for 2011, "for your taxes." Many will, and you will be able to have a record of how he is 'doctor shopping' and how much he is using and of what.

If his lips are moving you can pretty much accept that he is lying. I would get a nanny cam and a voice activated recorder, so that when he does visit her at your home, you will have it on video and on tape just how he is acting, what he is saying, and how absurd he can be.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 01-23-2012, 07:56 AM
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Also see if the pharmacy(ies) he uses will print you out the prescriptions filled for 2011, "for your taxes." Many will, and you will be able to have a record of how he is 'doctor shopping' and how much he is using and of what.

I don't know if I can even do this legally, or if I could get in trouble for trying. It is written in our divorce degree that we file seperately and as single people for 2011 since our divorce was final by the end of the year.
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Old 01-23-2012, 01:28 PM
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I went by the pharmacy today. I asked for the whole family's medical records so it wouldn't look obvious. (I could use them for my own tax purposes anyway.) They told me they could give me mine and the baby's, but not his. It would be a violation of HIPPA laws.
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