My friend is on self-destruct.

Old 01-21-2012, 05:35 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: In a Dark Place
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My friend is on self-destruct.

I am new to this forum and this is my first post. I decided to put a lid on my drinking in July 2011. I haven't been sober every day since then, but I do not get drunk every day like I used to. I am always discovering new priorities in place of drinking and my progress is terrific. My stbx drinking buddy on the other hand is hitting the booze more heavily than usual, and she has always been a huge drinker. She also has schizophrenia.

Most of our friendship is played out on the phone and we talk for hours a week. I see her sitting at a bar I walk past to catch a bus and sometimes I will pop in for a glass of water and say hello. When I attended her fiftieth birthday party, the same old crowd from 30 years ago were there and they were wretched. Few people recognised me as I had moved on from this crowd a long time ago.

Lately our phone convos have been based around her negativity towards the world at large and her disdain for girly women. I, on the other hand, have rediscovered my femininity and I am celebrating it by spoiling myself materially. Admittedly she is very androgynous in appearance and she sometimes resents it. She drinks while we are chatting and gets more pissed as we speak and gets angrier. She opposes my future plans with 'what ifs' (I believe in 'so what if?'). She frequently wants to talk about the past and it was a murky past, by my recollection. She forever asks the same questions, in different ways, to get me to talk about things I would prefer to forget.

In our many years of friendship we have exchanged so many secrets that one would take to the grave. This woman knows me too well and I am now cautious with that thought. I am starting to feel like we do not have much in common any more and I feel wound up after our phone calls.

We promised to be recovery buddies but I wonder if it is worth expending my own energy on someone who is obviously not ready to recover. I don't have any other close friends as I have been doing a lot of head miles and I have needed to be alone.
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Kindeyes (01-22-2012)
Old 01-21-2012, 06:52 PM
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Welcome! Glad you found SR...Read around - there are great forums here both for those recovering and friends and family.

I'm sorry your friend is not yet ready to stop drinking. The most important thing for your recovery is to focus on what it takes for you.

We promised to be recovery buddies
Sounds like the key word here is recovery, and she isn't yet ready to be that type of buddy. Sometimes we have to change people, places and things as part of our recovery journey.
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Kindeyes (01-22-2012)
Old 01-22-2012, 06:34 AM
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I'm sorry to hear that your friend continues to be stuck in an unhealthy frame of mind. I can only imagine that it is uncomfortable, at best, for you to talk to her.

I always thought I should maintain contact with each and every friend I've ever had, but it's just not possible. I've changed, they've changed or not.

It doesn't mean that I or they are bad people, we just don't have much in common anymore and so contact becomes less frequent. It's OK to not talk to someone all the time if they make you feel uncomfortable.

Take good care, HG
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Old 01-22-2012, 08:02 AM
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I believe that everyone I meet comes into my life for some reason....even if our meeting or relationship is brief. I've learned something from that exchange. Sometimes the lessons I can learn from that person end and it is time for me (and them) to move on. And that's ok.

If she's not ready for recovery and you are, it's ok to move on. You never know....she may follow your example. I wouldn't count on it or expect it but it could happen. Personally I find people who wallow in resentment suck the life out of me. Their negativity brings me down--for whatever reason the more positive I am around them, the more determined they become to show me I'm wrong and they're right. So I prefer to allow them to be right without me as an audience.

Congrats on the changes you are making in your life!

gentle hugs
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