MaryGoRound

Well,

Its been a long time since I've been on here. I don't have contact with XABF, but I'm writing here for some preventative support...

I feel so stupid for wanting to break contact, but I guess I'm just starved for affection seeing as a lot of family stress is happening right now. Its so crazy and ridiculous that as I notice myself from a distance wanting to go back to him because its the quickest exit out of this madness....

My dad was diagnosed with cancer (hopefully he will be just fine. Stage 3 melanoma).

I quit my job (this is actually really great - it was a really unhealthy situation for me and I know it was the ultimate reason I "relapsed" after a year of no contact).

I just got into a HUGE HUGE HUGE fight with my sister (only sibling from mom's first marriage) because I told her I wasn't going to babysit her kids anymore....I LOVE LOVE LOVE my niece and nephew, but I'm not going to tolerate being slapped across the face. Yes, he is 3, but I was a nanny all through college. I can handle kids and their tantrums. I'm not going to tolerate being worried for my nephew because he's so constipated and backed up that his stomach is bulging out because of the lack of water and fiber in his diet and my sister takes a lackadaisical approach to this. I gave her my 2c. and told her I'm not watching them anymore.

Now I feel like a bad codie, sister ...I should have just kept my mouth shut. I have disrupted things like all black sheeps of the family do. My mom is overly involved with my sisters life ( they live a few miles apart) and watches their kids all the time and shes overwhelmed.... My sister even has my 80 year old grandma watch them...so I offered to help her out for two days I figured i was mostly helping other people she ends up screwing over for that week and asking last minute... And I didn't think what I witnessed was fair to the kids. So (respectfully) I opened my mouth.

Now I'm scared because I know she's not going to talk to me for awhile. Now my brother in-law thinks I'm an ass too...

All of this stupid drama (I'm pmsing so its upsetting me more than normal I think) is making me want to go back again so I can feel some sense of being needed, control, something predictable....

At least I'm aware and have enough disgust for this former whateveryoucallit
to not break again....

The bottom line is...

I've been on this like "I don't take **** from ANYONE" crusade and a "I speak the truth no matter if it hurts" crusade....and ya no what, its really hard being on it all alone. Especially when you're the only one who seems to speaking up when things are wrong. Nobody seems to like the whistle blower I guess.

i just kind of feel like an outcast right now, but I know its mostly old wounds coming up.

Part of me feels reallllly good and empowered for sticking up for myself, but I'm beginning to realize that its very hard. Especially after people take advantage for awhile, they get very pissed when you say enough is enough.

Sorry old job, you are getting away with breaking the federal law and editing my timesheet. Goodbye. Sorry sis, your kid is acting disrespectful, and its mostly because the poor kid needs too poop, but teach him some manners! And maybe that means goodbye too???

I just really hope I'm not going to be on an island by myself. Because I can't tolerate any injustice to myself anymore....and I'm starting to notice it everywhere!

Funny how XABF seems to be the catalyst for this change, but at the same time I feel myself wanting something familiar, even at the risk of regression.


I hope you all are doing well. I guess I'm always going to be a recovering codependent :P Stepping out, isn't easy, but at least I have my self-pride in place.....I'm just scared I always be on this crusade and always have to cut people out of my life????

MaryGoRound

A quick read of other posts will suffice to turn me off the slight twinge of wanting to be around A again. LOL. Case closed.

I hope all of you struggling with a loved one find peace. Its so hard to leave them, but its even harder to watch.

I still dream of him sometimes. I just did last night. I drives me crazy, but I guess I can look at it as I'm just processing. Soooo glad I was and am strong enough to say goodbye

Freedom1990

You are not a bad codie or sister. You are human.

I can relate with wanting to run to something comfortable whenever I was extra stressed and vulnerable.

I never wanted to run back to my EXAH, but what I did do was get involved in dysfunctional relationships for many years, one after another.

You've made tremendous progress in seeing old patterns and changing them, dear!

I'm glad to see you posting again. Sending you hugs of support.

Heartbroken0608

I can so relate. I came to this site due to my s/a but now that I'm learning to not be so codependent it's really causing a lot of waves in many other (unhealthy) relationships I have with others. In the past 2 days I've gotten Yelled at, called "cold" and "selfish" by 3 separate people. In each instance I've just been standing up for myself in a healthy way, but since they're all so used to me being a doormat they don't know how to handle it. For example.. I'm in the northeast and we got about 6 inches of snow today. I was out shoveling when my husband pulled up, stepped to the side while I finished shoveling the walk, then Proceeded to go into the house, sit down and turn on the tv (we have a 200ft double wide driveway). This is normal.. He does nothing. But today instead of tolerating his laziness I went into the house and told him it was incrediy unfair of him to expect me to do all the shoveling and that I expected him to come out and help me. He lost it.. Yelled, acted all put out and said the snow was light and I was making a big deal out of nothing. He got into his truck and left he was so upset. The driveway is still not shoveled and if I have to stay in the house for the next month until it melts it will remain unshoveled. I forgot to mention he is unemployed too, im the one working full time, doing all the housework, cooking, etc UGH

But... The good part is ive been doing way more than my share in lots of my relationships. I have never spoken up for myself. I'm done with that. Yes... At the moment it feels like I might end up being alone but I'm ok with that. I'd rather be alone than be in relationships where I'm just being used to do things for people who should be able to do things for themselves.

Continue to stand up for yourself and do what's right. Those who ate worth having in your life will respect you for it. Those who aren't will move on (and that's more than ok)

Impurrfect

Wow, I can totally relate. Unfortunately, like ((Freedom)), for years my answer was to run to someone dysfunctional. Now I see that I was using THEM to focus on so I wouldn't have to focus on my own stuff.

I've felt like the black sheep of the family more than a few times. I'm the one that works, is in recovery, etc. but if I set boundaries for those who don't/aren't, family gets angry.

Luckily, I'm back in school (a healthier distraction) and do have a little job that I adore. Other than that, I spend a LOT of time on SR and I've actually made a couple new friends, reconnected with an "old one" and that helps a lot.

Trust me, going back to an A is only going to add more agony, and prolong working through the feelings of what is going on. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt in a rainbow of colors.

You set boundaries and that's a good thing, but it often brings up a lot of initial discomfort (at least for me). I did find out, though, that the discomfort doesn't last. When I first read here, "work through your feelings", I didn't have a clue what that meant. I've learned, mainly by not turning to what I turned to before - a man who is dysfunctional in his own right, and drugs.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

MaryGoRound

Yes guys that is exactly it....thank you for saying that Freedom. My therapist thinks I have come very far too.

I still think of XABF, but its different. Going back is no longer an option in anyway. I look at contact with him as one step closer to completely loosing my footing. It really is just wishful thinking, when I have a dull moment and think well what if....

Its just escapism. The truth is that I am so terrified of being in a healthy relationship because that means it would be REAL intimacy. And I would have to show up and not be able to hide behind trying to "be there" FOR someone. When I would be forced to just be myself.

I feel much better knowing that I'm not the only one who has felt this way about the situation with my sister. Its really scary at first, voicing your truth....

Now that I've learned how important it is to look out for yourself, the next step for me is to learn how to do this in a highly effective way...

versus more passive aggressive (at work) and blowing up ( family stuff).
Its like being totally ignorant to self needs, then realizing what is to be expected in given situations, then learning how to ask for them.

I'm also learning that there are situations and relationships that are dead ends, which need a forceful severing of the ties sometimes and there are some that need a more subtle approach.

I've always been so black or white and I think the key is asking for what you need IMMEDIATELY when its not there and then if its not a possibility to have those needs met, to choose to get out of dodge. Because if you don't up front...things get toxic really fast on both ends.

I think my issue has always been self-worth to its core, and I'm learning just how pervasive it can be. To have so little self-worth and boundaries is to be walking through life with blinders on, thinking, "why me?" all the time. And once you do gain it, its like "you talkin' to me??"

lol...I need a little less gang busters and little more "no thanks, im not signing up for this". So that you dont have to kick anyones ass and be "mean". You just say no or don't offer and don't feel bad about it. The key is to let go of the guilt of walking past things that cannot be saved. Most messes aren't ours to clean up!!!!

:day6

MaryGoRound

thank you for your support. I'm happy to reconnect with you guys. I get scared to come back sometimes, cause it acts as a trigger sometimes, but I'm happy I am detached enough to read on here and think to myself as I shake my head "yup...I can see where that is headed....." Sometimes it would be like "oh well, he never was THAT bad"....or how about this one "Well let me try THAT"

lol.....So sad that one of God's (or whoever) beautiful creatures is so stuck, but I am powerless and I can think of him and be sad and miss looking into his eyes, but the miniscule help I do actually give... its its just not worth what it does to me.PLus I know I am actually HURTING his chances of getting his **** together. I used to wake up and his body would be wrapped around mine so tight sometimes it was like I was suffocated. And thats exactly how I would describe our relationship. I wanna cuddle, not be strangled in the night....ahahahhaaa.

sorry for the ramble.
I'm so happy to have friends that are doing well on the "other side"

HUGS!!

FindingJoy

I very much relate. It helps to remind my self of all the times I really needed him (ExAB) he was either drunk, asleep, stormed off on a temper tantrum, ignoring me, or some other thing. Our minds just play tricks on us sometimes. Do we really miss them or miss the idea of what we thought we had at one time?
Yes I crave to be held, touched, cared for, loved, cherished...so why is the hell would I be thinking of him? The person who isn't capable of giving me those things or himself for that matter.

Both insane and funny.

rachelwahlen

Sometimes we have to step out of our comfort zone and do things differently. Grieving the loss of the relationship is normal. It sounds like you are angry a long with your pain. My living conditions are not well either, everything is dysfunctional. We have to realize that we are important and we have to work on ourselves and not try to change others. I have had to take my focus off the things about the others I am involved with and put it back on myself and what is best for me. It does no good to make others angry with me because regardless what I think is best, it doesn't matter or change anything. Instead of getting back into the relationship it may be best if you can afford to is to move out on your own or someone else you are close to that understands to give you time to get your head straight. Don't give up!