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AH draining the life out of me!

Old 01-21-2012, 06:24 AM
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AH draining the life out of me!

Last night my AH was outside smoking a cigarette and he just got in his van and drove away! Left the garage lights on, dog outside, didn't say a word! He had a few beers and smoked some pot (but says, of course, that he doesn't have a problem with alcohol or marijuana) prior to leaving... he shut his phone off and disappeared until 3AM when he tried to sneak in the house... suffering from his crack or cocaine induced paranoia.

I have finally told him I am through. My 18-month old and I don't deserve this. He has dragged me down both emotionally and financially. Last night I cancelled both credit cards of mine that he uses (for a business that I started for him). He called this morning after I dropped our daughter off and was on my way to work and said that (because I cancelled the cards and didn't leave him any cash) I had better buy him a f pack of cigarettes and drop them off and that I was putting him out of business and I would be sorry! He is crazy! At 41 he doesn't have any responsibility whatsoever. He has no money saved of course, (I pay him from the business and pay bills with it), he doesn't have a clue about our bills and buys and does whatever he wants, takes people out for dinner etc. I KNOW that I have enabled him and I am at fault for helping him so much.

I am doing my best to keep things afloat at this time, helping him with the business so that I have extra money coming in etc. until I get the bills down. It is a difficult situation to get out of... but I am proud for finally telling him how I really feel. Telling him how selfish and greedy he is, how disrespectful he is to me... careless.

He is home wallowing in self-pity again... he will be making promises once again... and I need to stay strong and on my path to peace for my daughter and I. He tries to scare me with threats and tells me I won't be able to see her that much, that I will be sorry and that our daughter will know the truth about what I did to our marriage!! Thank you for your support... I have gotten stronger since I joined SR.
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Old 01-21-2012, 08:06 AM
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Glad to hear that you are finding support and comfort here on SR.

Addicts often escalate their behaviors as the others in their lives begin taking care of themselves first. They do not want the dynamic to change and they will pull out some very manipulative tools out. Their greatest tools are making us feel something using our love as the catalyst. Fear, guilt, anger, pity, shame are some of the most powerful feelings they try to manipulate and get the reactions they desire. It keeps us in the "hostage" role.

They use "king baby" tactics and we often give in to their antics to get them to shut up.

Take care of you and your little one.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 01-21-2012, 08:11 AM
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Don't be alarmed by the threats, he is just doing what addicts do. They have the attention span of a 3 year old and seldom follow through on any threats that have to do with the legal system or taking care of their children.

When you finally leave him he will spend all his time and effort trying to figure out how to get money to buy drugs. In his current state of mind, he is only attempting to use the child as a weapon, he really could care less about either of you...he is too far along in his addiction, it's all about him and his drugs.

He is 41, with the emotional IQ of a 13 year old, he is a child in a mans body. Go about your business, he is not going to change.

Keep posting, it will help.
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Old 01-21-2012, 08:41 AM
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(((cad)))- good for you!! I agree - the threats are more like a teenager throwing a temper tantrum, making threats they either can't, or won't follow through on (at least that's how my teenage niece is).

You are doing what's best for you and your daughter, and that's what's really important. He's going to do what he's going to do, but you don't have to be dragged down with him.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 01-21-2012, 08:45 AM
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Hi cad235,

i read your post this morning and i really relate to it. i had to divorce my husband this past summer b/c he relapsed on crack in the beginning of june. i love him but he suffers from both mental illness and addiction, and when he picked up again i knew it was going to be ugly. like your husband, mine has not really been able to get his "stuff" together, and i have spent a lot of time and energy trying to help him (i have a 2 and 3 year old with him). i finally divorced him, and it has been a huge weight off of my shoulders. at first i was unsure of myself, but now i am sure that it was the best decision for me. i now don't have to worry about liability issues and i don't have to financially deal with supporting another adult in my home.

as far as he is concerned, he is now trying very hard to get recovery and is in treatment. this has created some distance between us which has been very good for me. it has shown me that i can support myself and take care of my two kids. i am a very strong woman. it has also significantly decreased my stress. at this point, i have very little expectations (i have been down a long road with him and i am very jaded). the future is up to him. i do believe he really wants to be free of addiction and be a good dad and husband, but only time will tell. for me, i just hit bottom with the stress and needed to go with a divorce. the future will unfold. i wish you strength and peace.
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Old 01-21-2012, 08:57 AM
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Thank you! Wow it is amazing to hear "king baby" and "like a teenager throwing a tantrum". I have given in to him on things I was completely against because of his antics... ranting and raving for hours about wanting a boat was one and his own business another. Stupid me told him if he could stay clean, I would think about it. Yup and so he was clean for a couple of months (clean to him is not using cocaine / crack but alcohol and pot are fine). Two days after I had given him $9000 for a boat (YES I KNOW HOW WRONG IT WAS), he was partying all night. AND with the business he didn't use cocaine for a couple of months and right after the business was incorporated, THE SAME DAY!, he disappeared! I was shocked... but now it ALL makes sense. Live and learn I guess... how stupid of me... his manipulations were so powerful.
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Old 01-21-2012, 09:18 AM
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It's wonderful that you are getting stronger about not enabling him in his addiction and his behaviors. I agree with the replies you've received from other posters regarding his 'arrested development' .

If I can add one more thing: it sounds like he maybe up to other extracurricular activites besides cocaine. Please consider getting yourself to your ob/gyn to test for any STDs/communicable diseases.
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Old 01-21-2012, 09:23 AM
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(((cad))) - you are NOT stupid. People don't come with instruction books on "how to live with an A". Most of us believe the best in people, believe that they are going to do what they say. Dealing with an A (and yes, I'm an RA) is a whole 'nother story and most of us just don't know how to do it. Heck, *I* didn't know how to deal with it, even though I know addiction inside and out!

When we know better, we do better. For me, it's been a long process, but at least now (most of the time) when someone I love has A behaviors, I want to DETACH, not jump in there and try to "help" them.

Oh, and about the teenager-throwing-a-tantrum? It wasn't until I moved back home and was actually around my niece that I realized how closely teenage behavior and addict behavior are so close...self centered, wants what they want when they want it, the world "revolves around them" and no concept of consequences.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 01-21-2012, 09:41 AM
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Yeah, the longer we live with active addiction, the more we learn. Sometimes, though, it comes at a pretty high price, not just financially, either. I'm sure you know this isn't a good environment for your daughter. Are you making, or do you already have, a plan to remove her and yourself from this toxic situation?
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Old 01-21-2012, 09:55 AM
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It was increasingly empowering the more I grasped my own role in all that came before and realized I could get off crazy train any time I wanted to do so.
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Old 01-21-2012, 10:30 AM
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Thanks... yes I have a plan to get out if he doesn't. It is my house but that really doesn't make a difference. I'm hoping he'll leave and go to his parents house but don't think they want to enable him any longer. During his ranting when he doesn't get what he wants, he often says "I hate my life."... even though the guy has a great job, business, family, and a little girl that absolutely adores him, he is never satisfied. He also has a lot of pride and doesn't want anyone knowing about his addiction even though everyone pretty much know and sees it in him... (my uncle commented several times on his jaw always moving which is pretty weird) Anyway, yes I do think when we separate that he will threaten suicide because he will truly have nothing AND people will "find out". That will be his bottom I would think... but then again he lost his first wife AND a very big business once already to his addiction. I know I have hit my bottom... Thank you.
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Old 01-21-2012, 11:08 AM
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Originally Posted by cad235 View Post
I know I have hit my bottom...
That is the key to you moving forward to a healthier life for you and that precious little one.

Sending you hugs of support.
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Old 01-21-2012, 11:21 AM
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Originally Posted by cad235 View Post

That will be his bottom I would think... but then again he lost his first wife AND a very big business once already to his addiction. I know I have hit my bottom... Thank you.


Your bottom is the only one that matters.
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