Do you Recovering Alcoholics ever regret how you treated your loving partner?
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Portland, OR
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Do you Recovering Alcoholics ever regret how you treated your loving partner?
Hello Sober Recovery Friends.
I am curious if any Recovering Alcoholics/Addicts ever regret how the treat their loving partners and if they ever make amends to them? What did you say and how long did it take?
I love people (especially romantic partners) unconditionally and am as genuine as they come. When you say "I Love You" then break up with me because of unresolved issues and fears, do you ever realize what you were giving up? Do you Ever ask for a second chance?
I'd love to hear some perspective from Recovering Alcoholics because I was told I did nothing wrong in my relationship and that I was wonderfully adored as I was broken up with. She held my hand as she walked me to my car and told me this had "nothing to do with me". Just curious if anyone ever comes around and figures out how amazing the person who loved you with all of his/her heart is? This woman means more to me than words can describe and I feel like she truly loves me too. I just feel she is not capable of or familiar with true love yet. Breaks my heart...
Thank you for all your incredible wisdom and insight,
-LovingYoungMan
I am curious if any Recovering Alcoholics/Addicts ever regret how the treat their loving partners and if they ever make amends to them? What did you say and how long did it take?
I love people (especially romantic partners) unconditionally and am as genuine as they come. When you say "I Love You" then break up with me because of unresolved issues and fears, do you ever realize what you were giving up? Do you Ever ask for a second chance?
I'd love to hear some perspective from Recovering Alcoholics because I was told I did nothing wrong in my relationship and that I was wonderfully adored as I was broken up with. She held my hand as she walked me to my car and told me this had "nothing to do with me". Just curious if anyone ever comes around and figures out how amazing the person who loved you with all of his/her heart is? This woman means more to me than words can describe and I feel like she truly loves me too. I just feel she is not capable of or familiar with true love yet. Breaks my heart...
Thank you for all your incredible wisdom and insight,
-LovingYoungMan
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Loving))) - I am an RA but honestly can't answer about the romantic relationship because I'm also a recovering codie - my relationships were all with an alcoholic (20+ years) and then 2 crack addicts.
In my case, I more regret my codie behavior, as when I spiraled into addiction, my bf's were also addicts.
As far as my family and friends that I lost due to my addiction? Yes, I felt bad about the pain I put them through. It was totally overwhelming, at first...I felt like the most horrible person on earth. I can't undo it. However, the more I work my recovery (going on 5 years), the more the past is distant. I consider it a chapter of my life that is closed.
During my recovery, I've been on the other end, again - the loved one of an A (though not a romantic relationship). Even knowing all I do about addiction, it hurts but I've reminded myself it's not personal, it just REALLY feels that way.
My amends have been living ones. Saying "I'm sorry" was just not going to be enough. I needed to prove I had changed, and the best way I can do that is to work my recovery each and every day. I do what I say I will, I'm responsible, and I live with the same family I hurt so bad.
As far as what I gave up? I gave up a nursing career that offered me job security and financial stability. Yes, I think about it but I don't dwell on it. I'm back in school, working toward something else and will have to deal with the consequences of my marked nursing career when I go job hunting.
I know this isn't exactly what you were looking for, but it's the best I can do. If I were to dwell on all that I had done wrong, not work on doing things right, I wouldn't remain in recovery.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
In my case, I more regret my codie behavior, as when I spiraled into addiction, my bf's were also addicts.
As far as my family and friends that I lost due to my addiction? Yes, I felt bad about the pain I put them through. It was totally overwhelming, at first...I felt like the most horrible person on earth. I can't undo it. However, the more I work my recovery (going on 5 years), the more the past is distant. I consider it a chapter of my life that is closed.
During my recovery, I've been on the other end, again - the loved one of an A (though not a romantic relationship). Even knowing all I do about addiction, it hurts but I've reminded myself it's not personal, it just REALLY feels that way.
My amends have been living ones. Saying "I'm sorry" was just not going to be enough. I needed to prove I had changed, and the best way I can do that is to work my recovery each and every day. I do what I say I will, I'm responsible, and I live with the same family I hurt so bad.
As far as what I gave up? I gave up a nursing career that offered me job security and financial stability. Yes, I think about it but I don't dwell on it. I'm back in school, working toward something else and will have to deal with the consequences of my marked nursing career when I go job hunting.
I know this isn't exactly what you were looking for, but it's the best I can do. If I were to dwell on all that I had done wrong, not work on doing things right, I wouldn't remain in recovery.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Hohenwald, TN
Posts: 1
I have no advice, but can tell you how it happened to me:
In 1980 I let my addictions drive me away from my high school sweetie, my wife, the woman who was true soul-mate. I set off on a pitty-pot runner geographic half way around the world.
In spite of my best thinking, I got clean/sober in 86. I promptly went about making amends to those in my life, including my ex every time I came back to the 'states.'
My sponsor said to give up ever being back with my love, to move on, get over it and get on with life. I did as instructed and spent years in several BAD and very dysfunctional relationships. I probably sub-consciously picked losers because they were not my lost love, or I'm truly AFU, it doesn't matter. Some people learn slower and harder than others.
I had spent years making a wreck of my life and it It took a while to clear enough of that wreckage away to see what needed fixing.
A few years ago I totally gave up on being happy and left being single in My H/P's hands where it should have been all along. Not long after that and against all odds she came back into my life. We were married again a few years ago and happy ending so-far.
Moral of the story:
It took years to repair the wreckage of my past life. It took me FAR TOO LONG to realize I had to leave it in my H/P's hands, not mine.
In 1980 I let my addictions drive me away from my high school sweetie, my wife, the woman who was true soul-mate. I set off on a pitty-pot runner geographic half way around the world.
In spite of my best thinking, I got clean/sober in 86. I promptly went about making amends to those in my life, including my ex every time I came back to the 'states.'
My sponsor said to give up ever being back with my love, to move on, get over it and get on with life. I did as instructed and spent years in several BAD and very dysfunctional relationships. I probably sub-consciously picked losers because they were not my lost love, or I'm truly AFU, it doesn't matter. Some people learn slower and harder than others.
I had spent years making a wreck of my life and it It took a while to clear enough of that wreckage away to see what needed fixing.
A few years ago I totally gave up on being happy and left being single in My H/P's hands where it should have been all along. Not long after that and against all odds she came back into my life. We were married again a few years ago and happy ending so-far.
Moral of the story:
It took years to repair the wreckage of my past life. It took me FAR TOO LONG to realize I had to leave it in my H/P's hands, not mine.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Whisp)))- Welcome to SR!!
(((Loving))) - I have to agree with ((CynicalOne)) - I allowed a lot of bad stuff to happen in my relationships, heck I practically ASKED for them! It took me a lot of work on myself and reading here before I was able to not only realize I had a big part in the dysfunction but that I had to forgive myself. I know there are truly innocent people who get sucked in by addiction/alcoholism, and I was innocent in the beginning, but I stayed around for far too long.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
(((Loving))) - I have to agree with ((CynicalOne)) - I allowed a lot of bad stuff to happen in my relationships, heck I practically ASKED for them! It took me a lot of work on myself and reading here before I was able to not only realize I had a big part in the dysfunction but that I had to forgive myself. I know there are truly innocent people who get sucked in by addiction/alcoholism, and I was innocent in the beginning, but I stayed around for far too long.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Hello LYM,
I am not a RA but a recovering codependent.
What I have learned in recovery is that the person I once was, before I went to Al-Anon and therapy, was the worst--not best--person in my addict partner's life.
People would always say to me, "You're the best thing that ever happened to him. You're the best woman he will ever find. He is a fool for losing you." Etc Etc. Oh, and always, they said, "You were so loving and good to him and good for him."
Etc Etc.
I can tell you that knowing what I know now about how dangerous an unrecovered codependent is for any addict--recovering or using--that I was the worst possible partner for him. I was too forgiving, too loving, I minimized the effects of his addict behaviors toward me, I rationalized his mood swings and his no-shows and his selfishness, I loved and loved and loved and what I was--a LovingYoungWoman back then--with no boundaries, no hardcore understanding of the addict personality, no self-knowledge, and an inflated sense of my ability to love unconditionally--what I was was the classic enabler.
Enablers help addicts along to their destruction.
So I hope you allow time to reveal to you why your higher power and her higher power have decided that the two of you should not be together right now.
I believe if you are destined to be together again, it will happen. If it does, I hope there's almost zero chance you will love unconditionally. I hope you will love with expectation of mutual respectful treatment and rock solid boundaries. Love with backbone.
I'm sorry for your pain. I hope more will be revealed, so you find your answers.
I am not a RA but a recovering codependent.
What I have learned in recovery is that the person I once was, before I went to Al-Anon and therapy, was the worst--not best--person in my addict partner's life.
People would always say to me, "You're the best thing that ever happened to him. You're the best woman he will ever find. He is a fool for losing you." Etc Etc. Oh, and always, they said, "You were so loving and good to him and good for him."
Etc Etc.
I can tell you that knowing what I know now about how dangerous an unrecovered codependent is for any addict--recovering or using--that I was the worst possible partner for him. I was too forgiving, too loving, I minimized the effects of his addict behaviors toward me, I rationalized his mood swings and his no-shows and his selfishness, I loved and loved and loved and what I was--a LovingYoungWoman back then--with no boundaries, no hardcore understanding of the addict personality, no self-knowledge, and an inflated sense of my ability to love unconditionally--what I was was the classic enabler.
Enablers help addicts along to their destruction.
So I hope you allow time to reveal to you why your higher power and her higher power have decided that the two of you should not be together right now.
I believe if you are destined to be together again, it will happen. If it does, I hope there's almost zero chance you will love unconditionally. I hope you will love with expectation of mutual respectful treatment and rock solid boundaries. Love with backbone.
I'm sorry for your pain. I hope more will be revealed, so you find your answers.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I am also a codependent. I divorced my axh 29 years ago. I was so broken after that divorce. I was determined never to be hurt like that again. Was I good for him? Honestly I was the worst thing for him (just like EnglishGarden described). I hope you don't mind if I respond to your post even though I am not a recovering addict/alcoholic. I have a long term version from your perspective because I am a very loving (although no longer young) woman.
I decided that the best way to protect my broken heart was to never love again. Simple.
But luckily my HP sent a loving young man into my life. That loving young man became my husband whom I love today dearly (27 years later).
My dear husband taught me the difference between healthy love and sick sick love. I was not always a good or willing student. But he was patient with me. He removed the bricks from the wall I had built around me one at a time.
I love the song "The Rose". The lyrics certainly held true in my case.
Now back to your original question....does my ex husband 30 years later regret the things he did that led to our divorce. I dont think so. 30 years later he is still an addict with serious emotional problems. He holds me responsible for everything that has gone wrong in his life. He spews his venom all over our son (who is an addict--just like his father). His disease has progressed. It is very sad.
No matter how bleak things may look at times.....20/20 hindsight seems to clarify that, indeed, the universe is unfolding as it should.
gentle hugs
ke
I decided that the best way to protect my broken heart was to never love again. Simple.
But luckily my HP sent a loving young man into my life. That loving young man became my husband whom I love today dearly (27 years later).
My dear husband taught me the difference between healthy love and sick sick love. I was not always a good or willing student. But he was patient with me. He removed the bricks from the wall I had built around me one at a time.
I love the song "The Rose". The lyrics certainly held true in my case.
Now back to your original question....does my ex husband 30 years later regret the things he did that led to our divorce. I dont think so. 30 years later he is still an addict with serious emotional problems. He holds me responsible for everything that has gone wrong in his life. He spews his venom all over our son (who is an addict--just like his father). His disease has progressed. It is very sad.
No matter how bleak things may look at times.....20/20 hindsight seems to clarify that, indeed, the universe is unfolding as it should.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
I quit drinking in 1998. I don't choose to define myself as an alcoholic anymore, "recovering" or otherwise, but prior to 1998 I was horribly addicted to alcohol.
Yes, I feel very badly about the things I did during my addiction. I have apologized to everyone I hurt and I back that up by not repeating those behaviors. I have healed all the relationships I had when I was drinking...except the one I had with my husband, who is now my ex.
He liked me better drunk. I was a lot easier to control that way.
Yes, I feel very badly about the things I did during my addiction. I have apologized to everyone I hurt and I back that up by not repeating those behaviors. I have healed all the relationships I had when I was drinking...except the one I had with my husband, who is now my ex.
He liked me better drunk. I was a lot easier to control that way.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
I'm a recovering addict. I can't speak on your particular broken relationship, but here is my experience.
Relationships are a two way street. Yes, I am sorry for some of the things I have done in relationships. Not all of those things were addiction related.
Yes, I've had loving partners, but they are human too. Neither of us was all good or all bad.
Sometimes an addict leaves a relationship BECAUSE they see what it is doing to their partner and the only way they feel they can do any damage control is to get out.
Sometimes they leave because, no matter how loving the partner may be, the relationship isn't good for them.
No amount of love and nice treatment can make two people who don't fit together "fit".
I am not sure what "unconditional love" means to you. I have talked with some people who had some very odd ideas about it. Some people seem to think it means that they stick with another person no matter what, being a martyr if necessary. They convince themselves that is the most loving thing to do.
If one is to truly love unconditionally, I think it takes a great deal of honesty and insight. One must also love themselves unconditionally, which means being prepared to do what is loving towards themselves. And also realize that sometimes the most loving act towards another is not the warm fuzzy stuff that some movies portray, but something much less ethereal and much more practical.
Warm fuzzy love can itself be something like a drug for BOTH parties. It makes both the giver and receiver feel high on life. But it may not be the real love that helps people grow and reach their highest potential.
I am so sorry for your loss and pain, and probably some disillusionment when a relationship you deeply put yourself into ended this way.
Addicts are more than their addictions. We are humans. Having a partner who denies our addiction and behaves as if anything we do is A OK, isn't realistic. Having a partner who acts as if everything we do daily is due to our addiction, isn't realistic either. A relationship based on fantasy, rather than reality isn't a real relationship.
Relationships are a two way street. Yes, I am sorry for some of the things I have done in relationships. Not all of those things were addiction related.
Yes, I've had loving partners, but they are human too. Neither of us was all good or all bad.
Sometimes an addict leaves a relationship BECAUSE they see what it is doing to their partner and the only way they feel they can do any damage control is to get out.
Sometimes they leave because, no matter how loving the partner may be, the relationship isn't good for them.
No amount of love and nice treatment can make two people who don't fit together "fit".
I am not sure what "unconditional love" means to you. I have talked with some people who had some very odd ideas about it. Some people seem to think it means that they stick with another person no matter what, being a martyr if necessary. They convince themselves that is the most loving thing to do.
If one is to truly love unconditionally, I think it takes a great deal of honesty and insight. One must also love themselves unconditionally, which means being prepared to do what is loving towards themselves. And also realize that sometimes the most loving act towards another is not the warm fuzzy stuff that some movies portray, but something much less ethereal and much more practical.
Warm fuzzy love can itself be something like a drug for BOTH parties. It makes both the giver and receiver feel high on life. But it may not be the real love that helps people grow and reach their highest potential.
I am so sorry for your loss and pain, and probably some disillusionment when a relationship you deeply put yourself into ended this way.
Addicts are more than their addictions. We are humans. Having a partner who denies our addiction and behaves as if anything we do is A OK, isn't realistic. Having a partner who acts as if everything we do daily is due to our addiction, isn't realistic either. A relationship based on fantasy, rather than reality isn't a real relationship.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 21
Wow, I am truly grateful for every answer posted here. Thank you all so much. I apologize that it took me a few days to respond back. I was working out of town for the weekend.
To add a little more to my story, she is a recovering alcoholic with 4 years of recovery. She constantly goes to meetings, sponsors multiple people and often chairs meetings. I felt that she was doing a really great job working on herself and she had even been supporting me getting into Al Anon. She gave me constant affirmations as to what I meant to her and she told me she loved me in front of her family three days before we ended our relationship. Certain things I don't believe you can lie about and she put a lot of effort into convincing me things were going great. I love to communicate and I don't believe anything could not have been communicated and worked out with a little effort. Instead, she disappeared like she got in a car accident.
I have accepted her decision and am letting go because Love lets go. To me unconditional love means loving her with all my heart just as she is. It means I can forgive her for her hurtful actions and be compassionate for a selfish disease. Moving forward, I understand that there would have to be stronger conditions and boundaries if we were to ever give it another shot, even at friendship. However, I simply can not just turn off my love for someone that means so much to me. I mean, I just miss seeing her and hearing her voice. I don't feel I am a martyr; things were going absolutely amazing for quite awhile. I also feel like you shouldn't give up on those you love when they are having a tough time. I mean, were were talking about getting a new bed for our new place a day before and we had gotten new planters together (among other things for our place). I thought she may have been having an issue with her family or work, and naturally wanted to be in support of her. It was only when I asked her why she was being a little bit distant that she told me she has to "work on herself and can not be in a relationship with me while she does that." And that she, "doesn't know why she feels this way , but right now it isn't what she wants." This just makes no sense. Totally vague. People in loving relationships support each other through thick and thin.
The part I seem to be having the most trouble with is why someone would over and over convince you that you were the man of their dreams, only to pull a disappearing act? I looked back at our text messages and they were pretty much all about love and how she thought I was wonderful. She refuses to see me and won't even talk to me which makes me believe she still cares for me. I believe this because most people have no problem being in contact with people who mean nothing to them. If I didn't matter, she could tell me to my face and it would roll off like nothing.
No one saw this coming. Not me, not my family, not her family, not my friends, no one. It almost seems as she didn't even see it coming and just started running. I guess she just wasn't ready to be in a healthy, loving relationship. One thing she did admit to me is that she self destructs when things start going well for her. Dang that makes me sad. She knows what we had is the real deal and told me she has never been truly loved before or treated with that kind of respect. Even said she didn't know why someone would care about her like that and a few times asked me, "are you real?" My sponsor said she was a "real relationship" virgin.
I really appreciate everyone's answers and I am truly grateful to have you all in my life. What a great support system; Your wisdom means the world to me. I must say Whisp's reply is the one that really hits my heart though. That is the story I feel like we have but I know it is God's control now. I have surrendered my life completely to God and trust he has a plan for me. If she comes back, it's because it was in God's plan. Posting these questions is very therapeutic for my recovery and helps provide me with some of the closure she never gave me. I really do love her with all my heart and meant every loving word I said to her. I am just going to keep working on myself, live my life and try to be the change I want to see in the world. I trust everything will eventually work out and that by making loving my lifestyle, I never have to worry about other people's issues. I am only in control of my own actions.
I hope you all have a blessed day. I'd love to hear more of your wonderful insight.
Sincerely,
LovingYoungMan
To add a little more to my story, she is a recovering alcoholic with 4 years of recovery. She constantly goes to meetings, sponsors multiple people and often chairs meetings. I felt that she was doing a really great job working on herself and she had even been supporting me getting into Al Anon. She gave me constant affirmations as to what I meant to her and she told me she loved me in front of her family three days before we ended our relationship. Certain things I don't believe you can lie about and she put a lot of effort into convincing me things were going great. I love to communicate and I don't believe anything could not have been communicated and worked out with a little effort. Instead, she disappeared like she got in a car accident.
I have accepted her decision and am letting go because Love lets go. To me unconditional love means loving her with all my heart just as she is. It means I can forgive her for her hurtful actions and be compassionate for a selfish disease. Moving forward, I understand that there would have to be stronger conditions and boundaries if we were to ever give it another shot, even at friendship. However, I simply can not just turn off my love for someone that means so much to me. I mean, I just miss seeing her and hearing her voice. I don't feel I am a martyr; things were going absolutely amazing for quite awhile. I also feel like you shouldn't give up on those you love when they are having a tough time. I mean, were were talking about getting a new bed for our new place a day before and we had gotten new planters together (among other things for our place). I thought she may have been having an issue with her family or work, and naturally wanted to be in support of her. It was only when I asked her why she was being a little bit distant that she told me she has to "work on herself and can not be in a relationship with me while she does that." And that she, "doesn't know why she feels this way , but right now it isn't what she wants." This just makes no sense. Totally vague. People in loving relationships support each other through thick and thin.
The part I seem to be having the most trouble with is why someone would over and over convince you that you were the man of their dreams, only to pull a disappearing act? I looked back at our text messages and they were pretty much all about love and how she thought I was wonderful. She refuses to see me and won't even talk to me which makes me believe she still cares for me. I believe this because most people have no problem being in contact with people who mean nothing to them. If I didn't matter, she could tell me to my face and it would roll off like nothing.
No one saw this coming. Not me, not my family, not her family, not my friends, no one. It almost seems as she didn't even see it coming and just started running. I guess she just wasn't ready to be in a healthy, loving relationship. One thing she did admit to me is that she self destructs when things start going well for her. Dang that makes me sad. She knows what we had is the real deal and told me she has never been truly loved before or treated with that kind of respect. Even said she didn't know why someone would care about her like that and a few times asked me, "are you real?" My sponsor said she was a "real relationship" virgin.
I really appreciate everyone's answers and I am truly grateful to have you all in my life. What a great support system; Your wisdom means the world to me. I must say Whisp's reply is the one that really hits my heart though. That is the story I feel like we have but I know it is God's control now. I have surrendered my life completely to God and trust he has a plan for me. If she comes back, it's because it was in God's plan. Posting these questions is very therapeutic for my recovery and helps provide me with some of the closure she never gave me. I really do love her with all my heart and meant every loving word I said to her. I am just going to keep working on myself, live my life and try to be the change I want to see in the world. I trust everything will eventually work out and that by making loving my lifestyle, I never have to worry about other people's issues. I am only in control of my own actions.
I hope you all have a blessed day. I'd love to hear more of your wonderful insight.
Sincerely,
LovingYoungMan
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 21
I appreciate your comment, but I honestly doubt it. She hadn't been in a relationship for a few years while she was in recovery, until she met me. I think it is actually the opposite. She says she has always had a hard time with sex and being sexual. We made plenty of love but I was the first guy she actually let do so with the lights on. She was so self conscious of herself and not incredibly experienced. To her, sex was what boyfriends used her for and so she really never got into it. She has more of a sexual dysfunction if anything and would get stressed out about even getting turned on. She had a fear that she would fall short or that she wasn't good enough. I truly made love to her and was very attentive.
She is friends with many men but I was never jealous of that because I knew she was not easy. I think she could actually be just fine with no sex as weird as that sounds. She also mentioned to me that her sponsor told her she shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone for at least another 6 months to a year cause she's not ready. She has too many issues to work out. Anything is possible I guess but I certainly know it would be no more than a rebound after what we shared together. Who really knows though? Alcoholism is a very selfish disease (whether they are drinking or sober).
She is friends with many men but I was never jealous of that because I knew she was not easy. I think she could actually be just fine with no sex as weird as that sounds. She also mentioned to me that her sponsor told her she shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone for at least another 6 months to a year cause she's not ready. She has too many issues to work out. Anything is possible I guess but I certainly know it would be no more than a rebound after what we shared together. Who really knows though? Alcoholism is a very selfish disease (whether they are drinking or sober).
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
Originally Posted by LovingYoungMan 
She also mentioned to me that her sponsor told her she shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone for at least another 6 months to a year cause she's not ready. She has too many issues to work out.
Her sponsor told her to break up with you.
She thinks her life depends on doing what her sponsor says, so even though she has been sober for several years, she broke up with you to "work on her issues".
I'm so very sorry.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 21
Thank you Jedi Master Yoda.
I REALLY appreciate hearing you say that. That means so much to me.
This is something that has been eating at me quite a bit. She definitely has a toxic sponsor. The first time I met the woman she overly flirted with me (in an uncomfortable way). She also kissed a guy that my ex had liked right in front of her, months prior to her meeting me. This is a married woman (recovering sex addict) in her late 40's. Not someone who is a very good role model if you ask me. I had even confronted my ex about that and she said something like "I can't control her actions." I agree with that but this is the woman who is supposed to be helping her through life and being her support system!
Her words in the final messages she sent me didn't even seem like her words and they probably weren't. When you get to know someone well enough, you get to know how they talk and write. I pray that she one day wakes up to this woman's abuse. My heart goes out to her and I hope she one day believes in herself the way I do.
Thank you again onlythetruth, I really needed to hear that.
-LovingYoungMan
I REALLY appreciate hearing you say that. That means so much to me.
This is something that has been eating at me quite a bit. She definitely has a toxic sponsor. The first time I met the woman she overly flirted with me (in an uncomfortable way). She also kissed a guy that my ex had liked right in front of her, months prior to her meeting me. This is a married woman (recovering sex addict) in her late 40's. Not someone who is a very good role model if you ask me. I had even confronted my ex about that and she said something like "I can't control her actions." I agree with that but this is the woman who is supposed to be helping her through life and being her support system!
Her words in the final messages she sent me didn't even seem like her words and they probably weren't. When you get to know someone well enough, you get to know how they talk and write. I pray that she one day wakes up to this woman's abuse. My heart goes out to her and I hope she one day believes in herself the way I do.
Thank you again onlythetruth, I really needed to hear that.
-LovingYoungMan
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 27
Well, on the flip side, there are no such thing as a perfect person and there CAN be bad people in and outside of 12 step programs. There can be bad sponsers out there as well.
I'm not saying they are a majority or even common, just that there can be. Also, not saying this is the situation here.
However, back on the topic, as a person dealing with a wife in recovery, I SO get where the original poster is comming from. Hard to face someone who you have stood beside all through their addiction and recovery to hear them say they aren't the same person anymore (not that you want the person they were when they were addicted, you want the person you married who had never popped that first pill). Then to be told that I have to still be there to support because I took vows, but her vows don't require the same from her because she has to work on her.
Please note, I don't want a response making the argument that she has to find her way and the old her is who was using. I get that enough.
I'm not saying they are a majority or even common, just that there can be. Also, not saying this is the situation here.
However, back on the topic, as a person dealing with a wife in recovery, I SO get where the original poster is comming from. Hard to face someone who you have stood beside all through their addiction and recovery to hear them say they aren't the same person anymore (not that you want the person they were when they were addicted, you want the person you married who had never popped that first pill). Then to be told that I have to still be there to support because I took vows, but her vows don't require the same from her because she has to work on her.
Please note, I don't want a response making the argument that she has to find her way and the old her is who was using. I get that enough.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I just removed about 6 bickering posts from this thread, posts that did nothing to support the original poster and that were totally off topic to bash each other and programs.
I am ashamed that this went on this long and more ashamed if any newcomer thinks this is how our program works.
I am now closing this thread. I suggest that those whose posts were removed go up and read the rules, think twice about whether you are here to support recovery or find some, and learn how to play nice or else play somewhere else.
Thank you all for understanding.
I am ashamed that this went on this long and more ashamed if any newcomer thinks this is how our program works.
I am now closing this thread. I suggest that those whose posts were removed go up and read the rules, think twice about whether you are here to support recovery or find some, and learn how to play nice or else play somewhere else.
Thank you all for understanding.
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