I have ended it with ABF. Why is this so hard?
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Eugene, OT
Posts: 45
I have ended it with ABF. Why is this so hard?
Having a hard time. I KNOW i am a codependent.. NO doubt about it. I have been reading "codependent no more" And i must admit, so much of the info is describing me perfectly. Especially the jealousy, insecure behavior, like checking his FB, cell phone... ugh.. I always found something that made me more crazy.. he had so many secrets, that always involved young beautiful women from work, or from L.A. where he had recently moved from. He loved is solitude, especially alone at the bar almost every night.. I would sit here waiting for him.
The kids would be looking out the window. They really liked him. But didn't understand he was an alcoholic, they don't know about how bad the disease made him. He got very aggressive with me the last few months. He, as i wrote before on this forum, choked me the last time we had a fight. It was awful. I saw him last week and slept with him. I feel ashamed and stupid for doing this. I sent him a text message a couple days ago telling him to please not pursue this anymore, and I wouldn't be texting him anymore either. That communicating just makes me want to see him... I told him that relationship was making us both miserable, so what else was there left to do. he knows this though, I told him that I promised my family i would not see him again after the choking incident. WHY am i sitting her wondering what he is doing.... picturing him with another woman. This is ridiculous... sooooo tired of feeling like this. I am going to stay strong, but how long will this hurt.?????? I am also getting counseling and just went yesterday... He feels it is a bit like the "stockholm syndrome" that I want him to call or text just to tell me he misses me. He talked to me about how backwards this is... that this goes beyond codependency. We discussed how having an abusive childhood, and me just trying to please my bipolar (very angry) mother my entire childhood set me up for this "old belief" that I need to please the person that abuses me, so they continue to love me. It makes sense to me. BUT I don't want to be this person. I don't want to feel this anymore. I'M SO MAD.. SO WORRIED I WILL NEVER HAVE A RELATIONSHIP THAT IS NORMAL.
The kids would be looking out the window. They really liked him. But didn't understand he was an alcoholic, they don't know about how bad the disease made him. He got very aggressive with me the last few months. He, as i wrote before on this forum, choked me the last time we had a fight. It was awful. I saw him last week and slept with him. I feel ashamed and stupid for doing this. I sent him a text message a couple days ago telling him to please not pursue this anymore, and I wouldn't be texting him anymore either. That communicating just makes me want to see him... I told him that relationship was making us both miserable, so what else was there left to do. he knows this though, I told him that I promised my family i would not see him again after the choking incident. WHY am i sitting her wondering what he is doing.... picturing him with another woman. This is ridiculous... sooooo tired of feeling like this. I am going to stay strong, but how long will this hurt.?????? I am also getting counseling and just went yesterday... He feels it is a bit like the "stockholm syndrome" that I want him to call or text just to tell me he misses me. He talked to me about how backwards this is... that this goes beyond codependency. We discussed how having an abusive childhood, and me just trying to please my bipolar (very angry) mother my entire childhood set me up for this "old belief" that I need to please the person that abuses me, so they continue to love me. It makes sense to me. BUT I don't want to be this person. I don't want to feel this anymore. I'M SO MAD.. SO WORRIED I WILL NEVER HAVE A RELATIONSHIP THAT IS NORMAL.
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He feels it is a bit like the "stockholm syndrome" that I want him to call or text just to tell me he misses me. He talked to me about how backwards this is... that this goes beyond codependency.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
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You are right, Ellensburg. Your vulnerability and need of his approval and love is probably because he triggers in you the trauma of being rejected by your angry mother when you were very small. (Of course you would have blamed yourself that she treated you unlovingly).
This trauma is NOT YOUR FAULT and your shame about your present chaotic feelings is hurting you even more. There is nothing to be ashamed of. You are a trauma victim and these compulsions to go find him-- to try to win him back even though he is a batterer and a danger to your family--are not the result of being crazy but of being wounded and traumatized.
You do not have to be instantly healthy and well. All you need to do right now is stay away from him and give yourself 6 months in counseling for treatment of trauma. You can miss him, feel the agony of loss, you can feel whatever you feel. But make the action decision to stay away from him because he is a batterer and he triggers deep trauma in you.
Your children need you desperately. If you stay away from him and remain in counseling, they will have the security they desperately need.
I'm so sorry for your pain. Many of us here have been abused by our addict partners and yet still grieved when we had to let go.
What I did was put my life and my will in God's hands. I went to Al-Anon to listen and learn. I went into therapy. I examined my values and reclaimed them. I held tight to trustworthy friends. And I prayed that God would just help me get to the next place.
I became a better mother, friend, and person.
God bless.
This trauma is NOT YOUR FAULT and your shame about your present chaotic feelings is hurting you even more. There is nothing to be ashamed of. You are a trauma victim and these compulsions to go find him-- to try to win him back even though he is a batterer and a danger to your family--are not the result of being crazy but of being wounded and traumatized.
You do not have to be instantly healthy and well. All you need to do right now is stay away from him and give yourself 6 months in counseling for treatment of trauma. You can miss him, feel the agony of loss, you can feel whatever you feel. But make the action decision to stay away from him because he is a batterer and he triggers deep trauma in you.
Your children need you desperately. If you stay away from him and remain in counseling, they will have the security they desperately need.
I'm so sorry for your pain. Many of us here have been abused by our addict partners and yet still grieved when we had to let go.
What I did was put my life and my will in God's hands. I went to Al-Anon to listen and learn. I went into therapy. I examined my values and reclaimed them. I held tight to trustworthy friends. And I prayed that God would just help me get to the next place.
I became a better mother, friend, and person.
God bless.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
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All your issues with him directly affect your children. Is this the role model you want to set for them? You are cheating them out of valuable time that should be dedicated to them and their well-being. You see how your childhood affected you, children carry their childhood into adulthood, do you really want them to repeat your mistakes...I really doubt that.
The man is an abusive louse, he serves no useful purpose in your life and your relationship with him is determental to your children.
Might be time to get a grip and go no contact, no more booty calls.
Keep working on you, get to meetings, keep up your therapy, forge ahead for your
childrens well-being.
I am sorry that you are in pain, but this is only a small blip in the radar screen, you have your whole life ahead of you, make it a healthy positive one.
The man is an abusive louse, he serves no useful purpose in your life and your relationship with him is determental to your children.
Might be time to get a grip and go no contact, no more booty calls.
Keep working on you, get to meetings, keep up your therapy, forge ahead for your
childrens well-being.
I am sorry that you are in pain, but this is only a small blip in the radar screen, you have your whole life ahead of you, make it a healthy positive one.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
A competent therapist often takes on the role of reparenting.
We are indeed capable and able to understand that childhood no longer needs to define us. We are worthy of treating ourselves better. The rest will follow.
We are indeed capable and able to understand that childhood no longer needs to define us. We are worthy of treating ourselves better. The rest will follow.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Eugene, OT
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by outtolunch 
A competent therapist often takes on the role of reparenting.
We are indeed capable and able to understand that childhood no longer needs to define us. We are worthy of treating ourselves better. The rest will follow.
We are indeed capable and able to understand that childhood no longer needs to define us. We are worthy of treating ourselves better. The rest will follow.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
You did not sound as though you were making excuses.
Unfortunately, as Out to Lunch said, our childhood traumas can be re-triggered, and while we are not defined by what happened to us in our childhood, we can be overwhelmed with automatic unconscious behaviors if triggered. But with therapy we are helped to find ways to recognize this before it gets us into trouble.
You slept with him last week. Just days ago. That is more than mere daydreams. That is pretty much here and now.
You were not well last week and you are still not well this week. But you have made a decision to get well, you have started counseling, you have today maintained no contact, so this is the beginning of a new life for you.
I too have lost myself and later looked back and wondered what on earth was I thinking. How much power I gave the addict.
No judgement toward you. In Al-Anon the literature says our "thinking becomes distorted" when we become involved with an addict. It does. So no judgement from any of us about any wrong turns you took. Everyone, and I mean everyone, takes wrong turns in addiction.
Wishing you all the best in your recovery. What you learn can help others. It is called carrying the message.
Many blessings to you and your family.
God bless.
Unfortunately, as Out to Lunch said, our childhood traumas can be re-triggered, and while we are not defined by what happened to us in our childhood, we can be overwhelmed with automatic unconscious behaviors if triggered. But with therapy we are helped to find ways to recognize this before it gets us into trouble.
You slept with him last week. Just days ago. That is more than mere daydreams. That is pretty much here and now.
You were not well last week and you are still not well this week. But you have made a decision to get well, you have started counseling, you have today maintained no contact, so this is the beginning of a new life for you.
I too have lost myself and later looked back and wondered what on earth was I thinking. How much power I gave the addict.
No judgement toward you. In Al-Anon the literature says our "thinking becomes distorted" when we become involved with an addict. It does. So no judgement from any of us about any wrong turns you took. Everyone, and I mean everyone, takes wrong turns in addiction.
Wishing you all the best in your recovery. What you learn can help others. It is called carrying the message.
Many blessings to you and your family.
God bless.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
so proud of you for getting help with a therapist and also for doing some reading...
I know that for me the pain only worsens when I compound it with shame.
you are human. your heart is hurting. you are seeking help and reaching out...that is the best you can do and you should feel good about that.
sometimes those who are afflicted with addiction/alcoholism have a well developed charisma...probably overcompensating survival skill...it can be quite an allure...and when we first make those hard decisions to detach it can be lonely
just keep doing what you're doing. your future is spotless...
and YES we do gain insight, understanding and RECOVERY in our quest to grow and heal our heart. you are doing so much of what you probably need to be doing for self care.
allow yourself to cry in the shower if you need to a little bit...then start your day
you are on your own journey. even though old wounds were triggered in a painful way...I know that for myself I would never trade in the growth that I have given to my heart and soul and outlook on life. sometimes we become "grateful recovering members of al anon" and actually become thankful for the trigger that caused us to go deep within.
quite a promise eh?
praying for you. thanks for sharing. it keeps getting better!
I know that for me the pain only worsens when I compound it with shame.
you are human. your heart is hurting. you are seeking help and reaching out...that is the best you can do and you should feel good about that.
sometimes those who are afflicted with addiction/alcoholism have a well developed charisma...probably overcompensating survival skill...it can be quite an allure...and when we first make those hard decisions to detach it can be lonely
just keep doing what you're doing. your future is spotless...
and YES we do gain insight, understanding and RECOVERY in our quest to grow and heal our heart. you are doing so much of what you probably need to be doing for self care.
allow yourself to cry in the shower if you need to a little bit...then start your day
you are on your own journey. even though old wounds were triggered in a painful way...I know that for myself I would never trade in the growth that I have given to my heart and soul and outlook on life. sometimes we become "grateful recovering members of al anon" and actually become thankful for the trigger that caused us to go deep within.
quite a promise eh?
praying for you. thanks for sharing. it keeps getting better!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Eugene, OT
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
I too have lost myself and later looked back and wondered what on earth was I thinking. How much power I gave the addict.
Wishing you all the best in your recovery. What you learn can help others. It is called carrying the message.
Many blessings to you and your family.
God bless.
Thank-you, ENGLISH GARDEN AND LESLIJ. I appreciate your kind words, I have learned so much through this horrible process. I feel myself growing wiser!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
Ellensburg. I am someone that would have NEVER thought I would put up with bulls&@t from anyone. Well that was until I fell I. Love with my first addict at age 25 and then at age 32 again. I just left my AB 3 weeks ago at age 34 and I really thought this was the man I was going to marry. Like you I wonder if I will ever find a healthy living kind honest secure man that I'm attracted to. Seems like every guy I come across is so annoying and it makes me miss my EXAB. Hows that for insane? An annoying guy makes me miss a guy who hates himself and treated me like crap and was only wonderful when trying to get back in my good graces. Right now he's sending me texts and presents in the mail and I like the positive attention even though I know there is a motive behind it THERE ALWYS IS.
Yes this is insane and we feel crazy and that is because we were on the addiction roller coaster with them. Good news is that we are off the ride but that doesn't mean it won't feel strange. A wise friend told me "change in uncomfortable and that lets you know you are doing the right thing."
Yes this is insane and we feel crazy and that is because we were on the addiction roller coaster with them. Good news is that we are off the ride but that doesn't mean it won't feel strange. A wise friend told me "change in uncomfortable and that lets you know you are doing the right thing."
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by FindingJoy
Like you I wonder if I will ever find a healthy living kind honest secure man that I'm attracted to. Seems like every guy I come across is so annoying and it makes me miss my EXAB. Hows that for insane? An annoying guy makes me miss a guy who hates himself and treated me like crap and was only wonderful when trying to get back in my good graces. Right now he's sending me texts and presents in the mail and I like the positive attention even though I know there is a motive behind it THERE ALWYS IS.
Yes this is insane and we feel crazy and that is because we were on the addiction roller coaster with them. Good news is that we are off the ride but that doesn't mean it won't feel strange. A wise friend told me "change in uncomfortable and that lets you know you are doing the right thing."
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
Wow your post really hit home with me. I love feeling wanted and needed so no wonder why I attract and allow addicts and wounded lost people into my life.
People who don't seem like they need me I avoid and I just think why would they want me in there life they have it all. Gee how about wanting me in their life cause I'm a great friend, I'm fun, loyal, interesting, and honest. My old programming thinks I only fit into someone's life if they need me versus just wanting me. It's a false sense of security that THEY won't leave. HA so true THEY don't leave because they use me to get what they want, I make it easy for them to get their way, all the while they are draining mr dry and I have let them.
Your words although intended for someone else gave me a huge ah ha moment. I'm very grateful. :day6
People who don't seem like they need me I avoid and I just think why would they want me in there life they have it all. Gee how about wanting me in their life cause I'm a great friend, I'm fun, loyal, interesting, and honest. My old programming thinks I only fit into someone's life if they need me versus just wanting me. It's a false sense of security that THEY won't leave. HA so true THEY don't leave because they use me to get what they want, I make it easy for them to get their way, all the while they are draining mr dry and I have let them.
Your words although intended for someone else gave me a huge ah ha moment. I'm very grateful. :day6
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