Some new concerns
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Brooklyn NY
Posts: 156
Some new concerns
I've been thinking a lot and I've come to realize a lot more of my codependency isssues. I was thinking about how it's going to be once my fiance comes home from rehab. He's going to be in the very early stages of his recovery and I've gotten so used to always having to be there for him and always having to help him. My life has revolved around him for the past 3 years, so what's going to happen now? I'm feeling a little lost cause I know he's going to be focusing on himself and his recovery and I know I need to step back and let him do what he needs to do. But then I ask myself, where does that leave me? It's crazy to finally realize how my whole life has become about HIM and I have completely lost sight of myself. Now, this is so so so very hard for me to admit but I've got to get it off my chest. I'm scared as hell cause he's not going to need me like that anymore and I know that's a good thing for him not to rely on me anymore like that but the thought that keeps popping up in my head is what if he ends up not wanting to be with me anymore? What if the love we share is just based soley on the fact that he needed me cause of his problems but now that he's taking responsibility for his issues, where does that leave us? I do feel that him and I do have a connection beyond his addiction but is that really going to be enough to keep us together? It's just crazy how this works, all I've wanted all this time is for him to get better and get the help that he needs and now that that's happening, here comes a whole new boat load of concerns and fears! I'm feeling so thrown off and lost at the thought that I'm not going to have to carry him anymore and devote every second of my life to trying to "fix" him. Now I have to find my own way and I am so scared about what that entails. This all literally just hit me this morning and I was just needing to vent and I am most definitely needing some support right now....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I can relate to your fear. What has kept me sane is working a strong program of recovery for myself through Alanon, therapy, and books like "Codependent No More."
I found as I progressed in my own recovery that I was going to be okay, no matter what.
It sounds like you are making great strides in recognizing your codependent traits, and that is progress, my dear!
Sending you hugs of support!
I found as I progressed in my own recovery that I was going to be okay, no matter what.
It sounds like you are making great strides in recognizing your codependent traits, and that is progress, my dear!
Sending you hugs of support!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
His presumed neediness seems to have fit your codependency like a glove. It is no accident that you connected with someone in longer term addiction.
You have a 17 month old and another due in early March. What are his plans to support you and his family from an emotional, physical and financial standpoint?
You have a 17 month old and another due in early March. What are his plans to support you and his family from an emotional, physical and financial standpoint?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
He's been in recovery for less than 2 weeks and your already projecting and obsessing. These are two of the things codependents do.
If you haven't done so read Codependent No More and get to those meetings....now is the time to work on you, don't waste another minute trying to figure out the future, live in today, tomorrow will take care of itself, just like yesterday did.
Hop on that recovery train, focus on getting yourself healthy.
If you haven't done so read Codependent No More and get to those meetings....now is the time to work on you, don't waste another minute trying to figure out the future, live in today, tomorrow will take care of itself, just like yesterday did.
Hop on that recovery train, focus on getting yourself healthy.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
big Kudos to you Krystal for having the courage to be honest about your feelings.
Honesty is the key ingredient in recovery! You deserve a sponsor! It is so great to have someone that you meet with regularly face to face, that knows your story, knows your character and can help you walk through these times.
I understand what you are talking about, as a codependent in recovery I can see how things got out of balance. as a caretaking codie it is falsely fulfilling to have someone NEED you. Of course in all relationships we are dependent upon one another, we care for one another and we are need one another, we are humans!
It's all about balance and focus and perception. Like those who suffer with food addictions...we also need human relationships in our lives. We can't just go into abstinence! (We CAN decide to leave a relationship...but I bet without recovery our part of the systematic disease just shows up in the next relationship!!)
A sponsor can offer personalized adjustment to your perception!
When a relationship gets out of balance...bound to with addiction (!!!) it is easy to take on a role of being needed. This puts the addict in a "less than" role. It is unhealthy for both of you!
Just do your meetings...and get a sponsor. He will hopefully be busy with his recovery, and if you are too it will work out...in the best way possible.
(Please don't mistake what I am saying as "stay/don't stay with the addict relationship".)
Honesty is the key ingredient in recovery! You deserve a sponsor! It is so great to have someone that you meet with regularly face to face, that knows your story, knows your character and can help you walk through these times.
I understand what you are talking about, as a codependent in recovery I can see how things got out of balance. as a caretaking codie it is falsely fulfilling to have someone NEED you. Of course in all relationships we are dependent upon one another, we care for one another and we are need one another, we are humans!
It's all about balance and focus and perception. Like those who suffer with food addictions...we also need human relationships in our lives. We can't just go into abstinence! (We CAN decide to leave a relationship...but I bet without recovery our part of the systematic disease just shows up in the next relationship!!)
A sponsor can offer personalized adjustment to your perception!
When a relationship gets out of balance...bound to with addiction (!!!) it is easy to take on a role of being needed. This puts the addict in a "less than" role. It is unhealthy for both of you!
Just do your meetings...and get a sponsor. He will hopefully be busy with his recovery, and if you are too it will work out...in the best way possible.
(Please don't mistake what I am saying as "stay/don't stay with the addict relationship".)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Brooklyn NY
Posts: 156
I know I need to start working on myself, I'm just scared to face everything but I know I have to. I definitely need to get that book, so many people have mentioned it and I will get myself into alanon asap. Outtolunch- I honestly can't answer that. I don't know what's going to happen when he gets out in a month. I know he has a job waiting for him but beyond that, I don't know. I know he has every intention of doing what he needs to do so he can support his family but god only really knows what's going to happen. I can only hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Freedom1990- thank u, it feels good to know that I'm making some kind of progress
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Brooklyn NY
Posts: 156
Originally Posted by lesliej 
big Kudos to you Krystal for having the courage to be honest about your feelings.
Honesty is the key ingredient in recovery! You deserve a sponsor! It is so great to have someone that you meet with regularly face to face, that knows your story, knows your character and can help you walk through these times.
I understand what you are talking about, as a codependent in recovery I can see how things got out of balance. as a caretaking codie it is falsely fulfilling to have someone NEED you. Of course in all relationships we are dependent upon one another, we care for one another and we are need one another, we are humans!
It's all about balance and focus and perception. Like those who suffer with food addictions...we also need human relationships in our lives. We can't just go into abstinence! (We CAN decide to leave a relationship...but I bet without recovery our part of the systematic disease just shows up in the next relationship!!)
A sponsor can offer personalized adjustment to your perception!
When a relationship gets out of balance...bound to with addiction (!!!) it is easy to take on a role of being needed. This puts the addict in a "less than" role. It is unhealthy for both of you!
Just do your meetings...and get a sponsor. He will hopefully be busy with his recovery, and if you are too it will work out...in the best way possible.
(Please don't mistake what I am saying as "stay/don't stay with the addict relationship".)
Honesty is the key ingredient in recovery! You deserve a sponsor! It is so great to have someone that you meet with regularly face to face, that knows your story, knows your character and can help you walk through these times.
I understand what you are talking about, as a codependent in recovery I can see how things got out of balance. as a caretaking codie it is falsely fulfilling to have someone NEED you. Of course in all relationships we are dependent upon one another, we care for one another and we are need one another, we are humans!
It's all about balance and focus and perception. Like those who suffer with food addictions...we also need human relationships in our lives. We can't just go into abstinence! (We CAN decide to leave a relationship...but I bet without recovery our part of the systematic disease just shows up in the next relationship!!)
A sponsor can offer personalized adjustment to your perception!
When a relationship gets out of balance...bound to with addiction (!!!) it is easy to take on a role of being needed. This puts the addict in a "less than" role. It is unhealthy for both of you!
Just do your meetings...and get a sponsor. He will hopefully be busy with his recovery, and if you are too it will work out...in the best way possible.
(Please don't mistake what I am saying as "stay/don't stay with the addict relationship".)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
Krystal...look up a meeting right now, find the directory online, find a meeting (many have childcare available) and write it on your calendar. If you do this you will probably report back tomorrow after having attended a meeting.
This is the first step toward self discovery and a whole new life for you! And this will be true regardless of what your man does. There are very beautiful promises that come with working an an anon/nar anon program (pretty interchangeable!). Do not be afraid! No body at the meeting is going to tell you to leave your fiance...if that is what you afraid of facing?
This is going to be about you, and it is going to be one of the best gifts that you ever gave yourself. I feel good just thinking about you letting yourself walk into the embrace and support of a good meeting...and a sponsor!
This is the first step toward self discovery and a whole new life for you! And this will be true regardless of what your man does. There are very beautiful promises that come with working an an anon/nar anon program (pretty interchangeable!). Do not be afraid! No body at the meeting is going to tell you to leave your fiance...if that is what you afraid of facing?
This is going to be about you, and it is going to be one of the best gifts that you ever gave yourself. I feel good just thinking about you letting yourself walk into the embrace and support of a good meeting...and a sponsor!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Those are normal feelings. I felt the same way when my RABF was in early recovery. You really don't know what the future holds. You can take care of youself and your child. You can prepare a plan for what you will do if things do not work out with him. You can pray and try to imagine a positive outlook. However, you are not going to know what your relationship with him will be like when he comes home.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Brooklyn NY
Posts: 156
Originally Posted by bluebelle
Those are normal feelings. I felt the same way when my RABF was in early recovery. You really don't know what the future holds. You can take care of youself and your child. You can prepare a plan for what you will do if things do not work out with him. You can pray and try to imagine a positive outlook. However, you are not going to know what your relationship with him will be like when he comes home.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I am still with my boyfriend. He has been clean for over 2 years.
He did not go to a rehab. He stayed at home and worked with a psychiatrist.
I think it is very honest for you to recognize that you are afraid that he won't need you anymore after getting clean. It is possible that you and/or he could grow into other directions. That is always true with a relationship.
The improvement for my RABF was not immediate after stopping drugs. He went through a lot of ups and downs. He went through about 5 jobs before finding one that fit for him. It took awhile for him to stop all of the lying. We fought about that a lot, because it drove me nuts. He is much more honest now.
My RABF is different from when he was using. He is much more present than he used to be. Even before his pain pill addiction, he had been smoking pot. So, I didn't know him when he was completely sober.
He did not go to a rehab. He stayed at home and worked with a psychiatrist.
I think it is very honest for you to recognize that you are afraid that he won't need you anymore after getting clean. It is possible that you and/or he could grow into other directions. That is always true with a relationship.
The improvement for my RABF was not immediate after stopping drugs. He went through a lot of ups and downs. He went through about 5 jobs before finding one that fit for him. It took awhile for him to stop all of the lying. We fought about that a lot, because it drove me nuts. He is much more honest now.
My RABF is different from when he was using. He is much more present than he used to be. Even before his pain pill addiction, he had been smoking pot. So, I didn't know him when he was completely sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Brooklyn NY
Posts: 156
That's really great for your boyfriend, and I've never known my fiance completely sober either. Before the pain pills it was alcohol. Its always been something. It isn't easy to admit my fear of us growing apart but I feel like I need to acknowledge it at least. Its nice to hear your story and to have someone to relate to. I hope my fiance and I can get through this and still be together because after all I do love him very much. Thank you for sharing with me
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
Krystal,
I have not been to a live nar anon mtg yet, I have only attended online. There usually are not quite as many as al anon it seems. Al anon works just the same, mainly because the meetings are about our well being. Sometimes when you're looking for a sponsor it is helpful to have some similarities in your stories (not absolutely necessary but kind of nice in the beginning) so the odds of finding that similarity are better at nar anon...but usually, usually you will find a mixed crowd at al anon and it will be just great.
You can make a phone call to the rehab and ask them about family sessions, exit interviews or just a simple phone call session and ask them what to expect. I could give you some pointers from my own E, S & H (experience strength and hope) I bet there are a lot of people who could offer some insight...everyone reacts differently so you just have to take it a day at a time and try to relax, not make a big deal out of it, and be aware of what expectations you have...
A. Breathe!! Having your own routine to keep you feeling relaxed and at ease will help you. Anxiety can be dispelled with a good walk, fresh air...yoga?
B. He may want to talk about rehab...he may want to tell you everything about it, or he may not want to tell you anything at all. Sometimes there is ego involved and maybe a little shame that he had to go at all...and questions (too many) can feel patronizing...or he might feel like a child (which he is kind of!).
C. You may find yourself feeling a little jealous. Why? Because he got to "go away and be taken care of". Why? Because he is probably going to be getting a lot of attention in recovery...phone calls, meetings, fellowship. If he is getting this attention it is a very good sign...because he is going deeper into recovery. However, it is common and somewhat natural to have some feelings of jealousy.
D. the best way around that jealousy?? Get your OWN recovery program working!! You will be at meetings, getting supportive calls, going out for coffee!!
E a little separation out of the house might be some good space between you for awhile...when you are both busy with meetings you aren't looking over each others shoulders
F sometimes its nice to read meditations together in the morning, before dinner, or before bed. If you "get thee to al anon" you will soon have a little beautiful meditation book in your hand. It may seem a little out of character if you two are not very spiritual (?) but it is a very good practice to do...most definitely...and if you create the space to do it together it might be really nice for you.
G he might be pretty moody. don't let him take it out on you. try to avoid discussions that involve trying to figure out the blame of pain and addiction. if he works his program and you work yours you will both be guided into how to have these discussions...eventually, in healthy ways. it might be tempted to be expecting remorse and apologies (quite likely these will eventually come) but for the time being just let a lot of space, acceptance, patience and quiet exist.
H. let him know if you are willing or interested in hearing about his experience and what recovery looks like to him. see if he is interested in your own process. if you both work it you will soon be speaking a common language which is quite lovely and healthy. but for now just let each of you speak as willing or interested. you dont need to force any discussions
I. Watch some humorous movies, you're both going to be doing a lot of work...take a time out together. He needs to do a lot of work. That's his job, don't try to do it for him!!
J. I am glad that you will also develop a plan B. Every smart woman always has one! Be proud of yourself for seeking courage and insight.
K. Focus on you. Focus on you. Focus on you. If it feels tense take a bath, go shopping (I love grocery shopping!) take a walk. The post rehab moodiness that I had to deal with with my ex could escalate really quickly if I engaged with it. There were several times when I just stopped and left. There is no winning that argument...it is best to pause and detach.
all for now...
I have not been to a live nar anon mtg yet, I have only attended online. There usually are not quite as many as al anon it seems. Al anon works just the same, mainly because the meetings are about our well being. Sometimes when you're looking for a sponsor it is helpful to have some similarities in your stories (not absolutely necessary but kind of nice in the beginning) so the odds of finding that similarity are better at nar anon...but usually, usually you will find a mixed crowd at al anon and it will be just great.
You can make a phone call to the rehab and ask them about family sessions, exit interviews or just a simple phone call session and ask them what to expect. I could give you some pointers from my own E, S & H (experience strength and hope) I bet there are a lot of people who could offer some insight...everyone reacts differently so you just have to take it a day at a time and try to relax, not make a big deal out of it, and be aware of what expectations you have...
A. Breathe!! Having your own routine to keep you feeling relaxed and at ease will help you. Anxiety can be dispelled with a good walk, fresh air...yoga?
B. He may want to talk about rehab...he may want to tell you everything about it, or he may not want to tell you anything at all. Sometimes there is ego involved and maybe a little shame that he had to go at all...and questions (too many) can feel patronizing...or he might feel like a child (which he is kind of!).
C. You may find yourself feeling a little jealous. Why? Because he got to "go away and be taken care of". Why? Because he is probably going to be getting a lot of attention in recovery...phone calls, meetings, fellowship. If he is getting this attention it is a very good sign...because he is going deeper into recovery. However, it is common and somewhat natural to have some feelings of jealousy.
D. the best way around that jealousy?? Get your OWN recovery program working!! You will be at meetings, getting supportive calls, going out for coffee!!
E a little separation out of the house might be some good space between you for awhile...when you are both busy with meetings you aren't looking over each others shoulders
F sometimes its nice to read meditations together in the morning, before dinner, or before bed. If you "get thee to al anon" you will soon have a little beautiful meditation book in your hand. It may seem a little out of character if you two are not very spiritual (?) but it is a very good practice to do...most definitely...and if you create the space to do it together it might be really nice for you.
G he might be pretty moody. don't let him take it out on you. try to avoid discussions that involve trying to figure out the blame of pain and addiction. if he works his program and you work yours you will both be guided into how to have these discussions...eventually, in healthy ways. it might be tempted to be expecting remorse and apologies (quite likely these will eventually come) but for the time being just let a lot of space, acceptance, patience and quiet exist.
H. let him know if you are willing or interested in hearing about his experience and what recovery looks like to him. see if he is interested in your own process. if you both work it you will soon be speaking a common language which is quite lovely and healthy. but for now just let each of you speak as willing or interested. you dont need to force any discussions
I. Watch some humorous movies, you're both going to be doing a lot of work...take a time out together. He needs to do a lot of work. That's his job, don't try to do it for him!!
J. I am glad that you will also develop a plan B. Every smart woman always has one! Be proud of yourself for seeking courage and insight.
K. Focus on you. Focus on you. Focus on you. If it feels tense take a bath, go shopping (I love grocery shopping!) take a walk. The post rehab moodiness that I had to deal with with my ex could escalate really quickly if I engaged with it. There were several times when I just stopped and left. There is no winning that argument...it is best to pause and detach.
all for now...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Brooklyn NY
Posts: 156
Originally Posted by lesliej
Krystal,
I have not been to a live nar anon mtg yet, I have only attended online. There usually are not quite as many as al anon it seems. Al anon works just the same, mainly because the meetings are about our well being. Sometimes when you're looking for a sponsor it is helpful to have some similarities in your stories (not absolutely necessary but kind of nice in the beginning) so the odds of finding that similarity are better at nar anon...but usually, usually you will find a mixed crowd at al anon and it will be just great.
You can make a phone call to the rehab and ask them about family sessions, exit interviews or just a simple phone call session and ask them what to expect. I could give you some pointers from my own E, S & H (experience strength and hope) I bet there are a lot of people who could offer some insight...everyone reacts differently so you just have to take it a day at a time and try to relax, not make a big deal out of it, and be aware of what expectations you have...
A. Breathe!! Having your own routine to keep you feeling relaxed and at ease will help you. Anxiety can be dispelled with a good walk, fresh air...yoga?
B. He may want to talk about rehab...he may want to tell you everything about it, or he may not want to tell you anything at all. Sometimes there is ego involved and maybe a little shame that he had to go at all...and questions (too many) can feel patronizing...or he might feel like a child (which he is kind of!).
C. You may find yourself feeling a little jealous. Why? Because he got to "go away and be taken care of". Why? Because he is probably going to be getting a lot of attention in recovery...phone calls, meetings, fellowship. If he is getting this attention it is a very good sign...because he is going deeper into recovery. However, it is common and somewhat natural to have some feelings of jealousy.
D. the best way around that jealousy?? Get your OWN recovery program working!! You will be at meetings, getting supportive calls, going out for coffee!!
E a little separation out of the house might be some good space between you for awhile...when you are both busy with meetings you aren't looking over each others shoulders
F sometimes its nice to read meditations together in the morning, before dinner, or before bed. If you "get thee to al anon" you will soon have a little beautiful meditation book in your hand. It may seem a little out of character if you two are not very spiritual (?) but it is a very good practice to do...most definitely...and if you create the space to do it together it might be really nice for you.
G he might be pretty moody. don't let him take it out on you. try to avoid discussions that involve trying to figure out the blame of pain and addiction. if he works his program and you work yours you will both be guided into how to have these discussions...eventually, in healthy ways. it might be tempted to be expecting remorse and apologies (quite likely these will eventually come) but for the time being just let a lot of space, acceptance, patience and quiet exist.
H. let him know if you are willing or interested in hearing about his experience and what recovery looks like to him. see if he is interested in your own process. if you both work it you will soon be speaking a common language which is quite lovely and healthy. but for now just let each of you speak as willing or interested. you dont need to force any discussions
I. Watch some humorous movies, you're both going to be doing a lot of work...take a time out together. He needs to do a lot of work. That's his job, don't try to do it for him!!
J. I am glad that you will also develop a plan B. Every smart woman always has one! Be proud of yourself for seeking courage and insight.
K. Focus on you. Focus on you. Focus on you. If it feels tense take a bath, go shopping (I love grocery shopping!) take a walk. The post rehab moodiness that I had to deal with with my ex could escalate really quickly if I engaged with it. There were several times when I just stopped and left. There is no winning that argument...it is best to pause and detach.
all for now...
I have not been to a live nar anon mtg yet, I have only attended online. There usually are not quite as many as al anon it seems. Al anon works just the same, mainly because the meetings are about our well being. Sometimes when you're looking for a sponsor it is helpful to have some similarities in your stories (not absolutely necessary but kind of nice in the beginning) so the odds of finding that similarity are better at nar anon...but usually, usually you will find a mixed crowd at al anon and it will be just great.
You can make a phone call to the rehab and ask them about family sessions, exit interviews or just a simple phone call session and ask them what to expect. I could give you some pointers from my own E, S & H (experience strength and hope) I bet there are a lot of people who could offer some insight...everyone reacts differently so you just have to take it a day at a time and try to relax, not make a big deal out of it, and be aware of what expectations you have...
A. Breathe!! Having your own routine to keep you feeling relaxed and at ease will help you. Anxiety can be dispelled with a good walk, fresh air...yoga?
B. He may want to talk about rehab...he may want to tell you everything about it, or he may not want to tell you anything at all. Sometimes there is ego involved and maybe a little shame that he had to go at all...and questions (too many) can feel patronizing...or he might feel like a child (which he is kind of!).
C. You may find yourself feeling a little jealous. Why? Because he got to "go away and be taken care of". Why? Because he is probably going to be getting a lot of attention in recovery...phone calls, meetings, fellowship. If he is getting this attention it is a very good sign...because he is going deeper into recovery. However, it is common and somewhat natural to have some feelings of jealousy.
D. the best way around that jealousy?? Get your OWN recovery program working!! You will be at meetings, getting supportive calls, going out for coffee!!
E a little separation out of the house might be some good space between you for awhile...when you are both busy with meetings you aren't looking over each others shoulders
F sometimes its nice to read meditations together in the morning, before dinner, or before bed. If you "get thee to al anon" you will soon have a little beautiful meditation book in your hand. It may seem a little out of character if you two are not very spiritual (?) but it is a very good practice to do...most definitely...and if you create the space to do it together it might be really nice for you.
G he might be pretty moody. don't let him take it out on you. try to avoid discussions that involve trying to figure out the blame of pain and addiction. if he works his program and you work yours you will both be guided into how to have these discussions...eventually, in healthy ways. it might be tempted to be expecting remorse and apologies (quite likely these will eventually come) but for the time being just let a lot of space, acceptance, patience and quiet exist.
H. let him know if you are willing or interested in hearing about his experience and what recovery looks like to him. see if he is interested in your own process. if you both work it you will soon be speaking a common language which is quite lovely and healthy. but for now just let each of you speak as willing or interested. you dont need to force any discussions
I. Watch some humorous movies, you're both going to be doing a lot of work...take a time out together. He needs to do a lot of work. That's his job, don't try to do it for him!!
J. I am glad that you will also develop a plan B. Every smart woman always has one! Be proud of yourself for seeking courage and insight.
K. Focus on you. Focus on you. Focus on you. If it feels tense take a bath, go shopping (I love grocery shopping!) take a walk. The post rehab moodiness that I had to deal with with my ex could escalate really quickly if I engaged with it. There were several times when I just stopped and left. There is no winning that argument...it is best to pause and detach.
all for now...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 45
As you know, there are no clear answers to those questions...but all of these changes in your life at once is certainly very scary. As everyone else has said, find some meetings, read Codependent No More and think about what you want for you and your children. Your relationship might survive and it might not, but there is one certainty...you can take control of your life and find out what you want and need. I know I'm still very new to all of this and I get scared a lot...but I know in the end I can handle things. You've been helping an addict for 3 years...try to take those skills and use them to help yourself and your children.
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