Panda13

It's difficult to figure out your life after so many bad things have happened. Dealing with friends, family, and/or exes that are addicts makes it not only sad for me, but confusing. I'm confused to know what to say to the people around me along with being confused on how to deal with my grief the right way. The death of a close friend and loosing my ex-bf to addiction has been more confusing than depressing for me.

I realized last night after talking to my ex, I verbally attacked him for no reason. As I said in a previous post, at first I was ok with just talking to him but I've realized that I need to begin to let him go. I told him that I don't want to talk to him until he reaches his ninth step. Today when I thought about the conversation we had, all he wanted to do was to see how I was and how school was going for me and tell me how much he's enjoying being back in school. Although I attacked him for no reason, a part of me thinks I needed to. He says he's been going to more meetings since he's been back in school (not sure if I believe that) and told me that he needs my support for his recovery. I'm happy to support him, but should I? I want to, but I'm on the fence if I should or shouldn't support him.

I now need help on figuring out why I verbally attacked him for no reason. Should I talk to him? What's the best way to deal with my grief? Although I never see my ex, is talking to him here and there ok? He's there for me as a friend, but is that a good or bad thing? After all the s**t he's put me through, should I support him?

Can someone please help me through this? I'm at the end of my rope with being confused and not knowing whether or not I should be talking to my ex.

useyourwords

I am so sorry for what you are going through and wish there were easy answers about what to do. All I can share is my experience. I work currently in the grief and bereavement field and I would highly recommend seeking out either one-on-one counseling or a support group (or both). Most areas, both urban and rural, have hospices that offer free groups and counseling to people regardless of whether the person lost was affiliated with hospice. There are a lot of great grief books out there. One I like, which is about 10 yrs old, is called conquering the mysteries and lies of grief. There is also a very well known book called surviving the loss of a love that is good.

With this, finding a naranon or alanon group if you haven't already will also probably be a big help. No one can tell you for sure what you should do about your ex. What I will say is HIS recovery is HIS recovery. It has nothing to do with you, or you being there to "support" him. By saying this he is obviously (consciously or not) trying to control and manipulate you. IMHO, it sounds like you both have a lot of things you are working on and you both are taking steps in the right direction, which is great. It sounds like you communication with him is bringing out a lot of hostility and other feelings in you. It also sounds like, from an outsider reading your post, that you already have a hunch you should cut off contact with him. I can't say what you should do, but I can say that is what I would do. I would take this time to work on myself, and let him find HIS OWN recovery. It doesn't sound like the contact you are keeping is helping either of you. It sounds like it is the product of what so many of us here struggle with - codependence. I know you are worried about whether or not you should support him, but the best way to deal with your grief and your own recovery is going to be worrying about how to support and take care of yourself! Best wishes . . . .

Panda13

That helps. Thank you for the reading suggestions. I'm guessing that feeling guilty is one of the first emotions you feel once you start having less and less contact with the addict ex? What do you think?

sofacat

"Oh, and if you're wondering…same goes with our side."

Thanks for that. Well put Cynical.