Krystal32

So, today is day 8 that my fiance has been in treatment and he was supposed to be transferred to a different place in upstate NY tomorrow but plans changed due to bad weather and he probably won't be transferred until the 20th. The original plan was for him to be at this place for 2 weeks before he went upstate. So, the 20th would only put him 3 days past the 2 weeks. So, when I was talking to him about this he's telling me again that he wants to leave and do an outpatient program. That where he's at is awful, blah, blah, blah and of course I could feel myself getting upset and stressed out as he's saying these things to me. I said to him that he needs to stay, that leaving is only going to make things worse. That where he's at may not be the best place in the world but it is a place where he's getting help and they are helping him stay sober and that once he's upstate it will be even better. I know it doesn't matter what I say to him cause he's going to make his own choices but I felt I needed to voice my opinion. He kept saying that he needs to be with me and our son and I told him that being with me and his son didn't make him change his behavior before, why would it make him change now? I told him being with us isn't going to help with his recovery at all right now, the only thing that's going to help is for him to stay where he's at. How strongly I feel about him staying there and seeing this through is crazy. I'm kinda surprising myself by how much I DO NOT want him to come home. Anyway, after we got off the phone I was sooooo frustrated and stressed out and it wasn't all because of him saying again that he wants to leave but what I couldn't get out of my head was how much I was letting what he had said to me get to me. It was making me soooooo angry that I was LETTING HIM affect me that much. Normally I'm upset cause I'm worried about him and how upset he is. But no, this time I was angry because I let him affect my mood like a light switch. It baffled me!! I kinda felt like that was a bit of an eye opener. It's nothing huge but I feel that it was a baby step forward cause FOR ONCE I was thinking about how I was feeling verses how HE was feeling. I wasn't thinking "oh god, what if he leaves??? what if he leaves??? what am I going to do?????" All I could think is "what the hell?? I was in a good mood before this conversation and now that's gone in the blink of an eye"!!! It was so irritating and after I calmed down, I felt better cause that reaction was a definite change from the norm. He knows how I feel about him staying and he knows I refuse to say "ok babe, come home". He's not going to get that from me no matter what. I just feel that I had this little bit of progress because of SR, this place has really helped me so much in the small amount of time that I've been here. A lot of the advice that's offered is very straight forward and blunt but very much needed cause it has helped me open up eyes to the other side of the situation, MYSELF. So I just wanted to say Thank you so much to everyone that has offered their support and encouragement. It means so much to me

lesliej

Good for you Krystal! Bravo! You stood on your firm grounds within your informed beliefs and made your point. Anger can act as a sign that your boundaries are threatened and it can be useful. Of course you don't want to go from being worried to being angry but if you care for your self and your beliefs and your emotions you can stay the course.

Use anger for the tool it is...its a sign to you that someone is testing your boundaries. Once you notice it see if you can cool it a little bit and just go right on into direct communication. Anger wants you to speak your truth. Great job! Many of these "negative emotions" that we feel can be used to positive and healthy ends! Great news right? For example you can actually harness anxiety and transform it, redirect it and use it as fuel...that sort of thing.

So proud of you for standing your ground, using your tools and speaking your truth.
I do think it's the right thing for him to stay. If he wants to live a healthy happy life with you and your child his recovery must come first. prayers are with you!

Now breathe some more! I hope you are in a peaceful place.

Krystal32

Thank you Leslie!! It is a good feeling to know that I'm not at a standstill anymore

KelleyF

Krystal,

Proud of you for staying strong and thinking about YOU.
Go get some pie; your eating for two right ! LOL

Hugs
Kel

Krystal32

I actually treated myself to some chocolate chip cookies thank you Kelley and I hope your doing ok!

Ann

This isn't a baby step, it's a big step and I think you can feel that. Getting angry is often the turning point where we begin to take care of ourselves better, and let them take care of what they need to do..or not...their choice.

When I got angry it was a mix, I was angry at my son for all he had put us through, and I was even more angry at myself for having endured it, for living in fear for so long, and for trying to "fix" that which was not mine to fix. You betcha I was angry. I remember sharing this at my meeting, and although at meetings you usually share without comment, I could almost hear the applause people were thinking because they KNEW, that anger opened the door to MY recovery and it could only get better from there.

Don't second guess yourself, you are on a good path so keep going.

Hugs

outtolunch

I admire your strength.

What kind of father puts his family through this manipulative BS at a time like this?

If you are up for it, consider being straight with him. Instead of encouragig him to stay, let him know he's not welcome to come home. Then ever so gently, hang up.

bless5

I agree with Ann. This is a big step and an important one. I think also, you have had some time to have peace and calm. We get so used to the total chaos, that we forget how crazy and out of control our lives have become. Then you have a taste of "normal"... peace! Embrace it, savor it, memorize the feeling, and HANG ON TO IT no matter what, for you and your son. Congrats on the breakthough!

Krystal32

Thank you everyone!!! You all made me smile with every single one of your posts and I will remember this feeling and hang on to it for dear life, and make sure to continue to treat myself with cookies