An Old Favourite Here....
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
An Old Favourite Here....
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Into Orbit
It doesn't matter if they're hurting themselves. It doesn't matter that we could help them if they'd only listen to, and cooperate with, us. IT DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER.
—Codependent No More
I think I can change him. Nobody's ever really loved him and appreciated him before. I'll be the one to do that, and then he'll change. . . . She's never been with anybody trustworthy before. I'll prove how trustworthy I am, and then she'll be able to love. . . . Nobody's been able to get to her, to conquer her, before. I'll be the one to do that. . . . Nobody's ever really given him a chance. . . . Nobody's ever really believed in him before. . . .
These are warning signs. Red lights. Red flags. In fact, if we're thinking these thoughts, they need to be stop signs.
If we have gotten hooked into believing that somehow we will be the one who will make the difference in someone's life, if we are trying to prove how good we can be for someone, we may be in trouble.
This is a game. A deception. It won't work. It'll make us crazy. We can trust that. We're not seeing things clearly. Something's going on with us. t will be self-defeating.
We may be "the one" all right - the one to wind up victimized.
The whole thought pattern reeks of codependency, of not being responsible for oneself, and of victimization. Each person needs to do his or her own work.
Nobody in the past has really understood him. . . . Nobody has seen what I see in her. . . . It's a set up. It sets us up to stop paying attention to ourselves while we focus too much on the other person. It takes us away from our path and often puts us in orbit.
Nobody has appreciated him enough. . . . Nobody has been good enough to her, or done for her what I can do. . . . It's a rescue. It's a game move, a game we don't have to play. We don't have to prove we're the one. If we're out to show people we're the best thing that ever happened to them, it may be time to see if they're the best thing that ever happened to us.
We have not been appointed as guardian angel, godmother, godfather, or "the one who will."
The help, support, and encouragement that truly benefits others and ourselves emerges naturally. Let it.
God, help me let go of my need to meet dysfunctional challenges in my relationships.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Into Orbit
It doesn't matter if they're hurting themselves. It doesn't matter that we could help them if they'd only listen to, and cooperate with, us. IT DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER.
—Codependent No More
I think I can change him. Nobody's ever really loved him and appreciated him before. I'll be the one to do that, and then he'll change. . . . She's never been with anybody trustworthy before. I'll prove how trustworthy I am, and then she'll be able to love. . . . Nobody's been able to get to her, to conquer her, before. I'll be the one to do that. . . . Nobody's ever really given him a chance. . . . Nobody's ever really believed in him before. . . .
These are warning signs. Red lights. Red flags. In fact, if we're thinking these thoughts, they need to be stop signs.
If we have gotten hooked into believing that somehow we will be the one who will make the difference in someone's life, if we are trying to prove how good we can be for someone, we may be in trouble.
This is a game. A deception. It won't work. It'll make us crazy. We can trust that. We're not seeing things clearly. Something's going on with us. t will be self-defeating.
We may be "the one" all right - the one to wind up victimized.
The whole thought pattern reeks of codependency, of not being responsible for oneself, and of victimization. Each person needs to do his or her own work.
Nobody in the past has really understood him. . . . Nobody has seen what I see in her. . . . It's a set up. It sets us up to stop paying attention to ourselves while we focus too much on the other person. It takes us away from our path and often puts us in orbit.
Nobody has appreciated him enough. . . . Nobody has been good enough to her, or done for her what I can do. . . . It's a rescue. It's a game move, a game we don't have to play. We don't have to prove we're the one. If we're out to show people we're the best thing that ever happened to them, it may be time to see if they're the best thing that ever happened to us.
We have not been appointed as guardian angel, godmother, godfather, or "the one who will."
The help, support, and encouragement that truly benefits others and ourselves emerges naturally. Let it.
God, help me let go of my need to meet dysfunctional challenges in my relationships.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I remember the first time I read this reading, several years ago. I remember having an "epiphany" as I read it because this all described me and I knew at that moment how very wrong I was.
I no longer try to be "the one". Thinking I am is an illusion. As startling as that discovery was, I recall the relief of knowing that I was not a "bad mother" for trying so hard, I was just a codependent who loved her son and thought, however wrongly, that I could save him.
I hope somebody reads this tonight and has their own epiphany or moment of enlightenment. It's an amazing experience.
Hugs
I no longer try to be "the one". Thinking I am is an illusion. As startling as that discovery was, I recall the relief of knowing that I was not a "bad mother" for trying so hard, I was just a codependent who loved her son and thought, however wrongly, that I could save him.
I hope somebody reads this tonight and has their own epiphany or moment of enlightenment. It's an amazing experience.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 35
That whole book was an epiphany when I read it a few years ago. I remember just reading the first chapter and crying my eyes out because that WAS me.
It goes to show though, when my husband got clean and was working a program, I got complacent and let me program slide to the back burner, I was in a bad place for a few weeks. Had I continued with MY program, I probably wouldn't have let myself go as far as I did. I won't do that again because now, I'm starting over in chapter 1.
It goes to show though, when my husband got clean and was working a program, I got complacent and let me program slide to the back burner, I was in a bad place for a few weeks. Had I continued with MY program, I probably wouldn't have let myself go as far as I did. I won't do that again because now, I'm starting over in chapter 1.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Complacency has always been my greatest obstacle too. As soon as things settled down, so did my efforts to maintain my recovery.
Today I am diligent and begin and end each day focused on prayer, meditation, gratitude and being conscious of my thoughts and actions. That's one reason SR helps me so much to stay connected to recovery and keep my balance.
Hugs
Today I am diligent and begin and end each day focused on prayer, meditation, gratitude and being conscious of my thoughts and actions. That's one reason SR helps me so much to stay connected to recovery and keep my balance.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 30
Hmmmm....I am new to all of this, and haven't actually read this book, so I may be out of line with this response. But I think some of those thoughts about my son, and I refuse to change them.
My son was in foster care, bounced between relatives and strangers and group homes and hospitals and jails for the first 16 years of his life. When he came to live with me, I made a commitment to never give up on him, believing that part of the problem in his life is that no one had ever made that commitment to him before. Every adult in his life had abused, neglected, mistreated, given up on, rejected, or abandoned him at some point. So yes, I will be the one who sticks by him, who loves him no matter what, and who will make a difference in his life.
My love does not stop him from using. It did not stop him from selling drugs, getting arrested, going to jail. It has not magically transformed him into an A student, an obedient child, a model citizen. My love could not force him to stay in rehab. My love did not prevent him from stealing from me, lying to me, manipulating me.
But I DO believe that my love makes a difference. I do believe that he is better off having a parent who will stick by him than he would be if I "got rid of him" like so many others have. I continue to hope that, one day, he will get himself straightened out and on a different, healthier path.
I have started to go to alanon and naranon meetings to try to work on myself and learn to set some healthier boundaries. And I know that I have co-dependency issues. But do I have to give up the belief that I am special in my son's life? That there is something I can offer him that no one else has?
My son was in foster care, bounced between relatives and strangers and group homes and hospitals and jails for the first 16 years of his life. When he came to live with me, I made a commitment to never give up on him, believing that part of the problem in his life is that no one had ever made that commitment to him before. Every adult in his life had abused, neglected, mistreated, given up on, rejected, or abandoned him at some point. So yes, I will be the one who sticks by him, who loves him no matter what, and who will make a difference in his life.
My love does not stop him from using. It did not stop him from selling drugs, getting arrested, going to jail. It has not magically transformed him into an A student, an obedient child, a model citizen. My love could not force him to stay in rehab. My love did not prevent him from stealing from me, lying to me, manipulating me.
But I DO believe that my love makes a difference. I do believe that he is better off having a parent who will stick by him than he would be if I "got rid of him" like so many others have. I continue to hope that, one day, he will get himself straightened out and on a different, healthier path.
I have started to go to alanon and naranon meetings to try to work on myself and learn to set some healthier boundaries. And I know that I have co-dependency issues. But do I have to give up the belief that I am special in my son's life? That there is something I can offer him that no one else has?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by TitiEmily 
But do I have to give up the belief that I am special in my son's life? That there is something I can offer him that no one else has?
This is what I know:
My daughter is special, very special, in my life. Only she can decide who is special in her life.
I love my daughter unconditoinally. I also accept this love of mine has no magical power to influece her choices.
Sanity begins the moment we admit we are powerless over other people, including those we love.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 30
Okay, that actually makes sense to me, that I can decide my son is special in my life but only he can decide if I am special in his life. Thank you--something about that wording helped me understand.
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Emily, my son is also a foster son, whose birth family home was a place where every person was addicted to something and abuse was rampant.
In spite of that, my son is polite, kind, would never hit anyone, and a delightful person to be with...when he is clean.
I thought I could save him, I thought if we loved him enough he would try harder and stay clean. I thought that I knew how to "handle" this, I thought I would be "the one" to save him.
I was wrong. I almost died trying and nothing I did or didn't do made a lick of difference. He used in the best of times, he used in the worst of time.
I had to let go or go down with him. His disease was killing "me"....because I thought I was "the one".
Emily, I know your love, I know how much you want to save your child, truly I do know because nobody loves their child, natural or foster, any more than I love mine.
And knowing how much you love him, and how scared you are for what could become of him, I know that you will have to follow your own path with this and do what you feel you need to do. I pray with all my heart that somehow it works with you and your son, really I do.
But with love in my heart I ask you to be careful. If you find yourself getting sick, feeling like you are lost in some world that isn't real, please remember this and get help for yourself.
And regardless of the path you choose, please know that we are all here walking with you.
Hugs
In spite of that, my son is polite, kind, would never hit anyone, and a delightful person to be with...when he is clean.
I thought I could save him, I thought if we loved him enough he would try harder and stay clean. I thought that I knew how to "handle" this, I thought I would be "the one" to save him.
I was wrong. I almost died trying and nothing I did or didn't do made a lick of difference. He used in the best of times, he used in the worst of time.
I had to let go or go down with him. His disease was killing "me"....because I thought I was "the one".
Emily, I know your love, I know how much you want to save your child, truly I do know because nobody loves their child, natural or foster, any more than I love mine.
And knowing how much you love him, and how scared you are for what could become of him, I know that you will have to follow your own path with this and do what you feel you need to do. I pray with all my heart that somehow it works with you and your son, really I do.
But with love in my heart I ask you to be careful. If you find yourself getting sick, feeling like you are lost in some world that isn't real, please remember this and get help for yourself.
And regardless of the path you choose, please know that we are all here walking with you.
Hugs
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