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New to this, need support/advice...

Old 01-11-2012, 12:09 PM
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Question New to this, need support/advice...

Hi everybody....

2 years ago I met and fell in love with the most amazing guy. When we started dating he was in recovery (heroin), and had been clean for several months (I want to say 6 or 7). He was a sweet, funny, loving person. Then about 5 months into our relationship, his older brother committed suicide. It took a toll on the entire family, obviously, but especially him. He just started caring less about things, and acting differently. Now, he wasn't using, but his attitude toward life just...changed.
Fast forward to this past summer. I got pregnant. We were the happiest we've ever been. 5 months into my pregnancy, though, everything changed. Unbeknownst to me or any of his family, he started using again. In hindsight, it was pretty obvious, but none of us caught on.
Anyway, when I was 6 months pregnant, he and his mother sat me down and he admitted it to me. I was floored. I've never been in a relationship, with anyone, that does drugs. It scared me and I didn't know how to react. Either way, he and his family made a joint decision to allow him to forego treatment and just stay home for the withdrawals. It seemed like he was going to get his act together, and he promised me that he'd never do this again, because his children were more important to him. Things went okay. For a little while.
2 months later, here I am, at 8 months pregnant. Now, his family and I had been suspecting he'd been using for weeks, but things really came to a head about a week ago. I had a doctor's appointment that morning. Around 8 a.m. he woke up, and flew into the bathroom, first thing. I kind of got suspicious but I shrugged it off and decided to start getting myself ready to go. He suddenly yelled from the bathroom that I'd have to call and reschedule for later in the day. When I questioned him about it he lied to my face and told me he needed to step out to help a friend. Then he grabbed his jacket and shoes and ran out the door. I didn't hear from him for over an hour. When he came home he admitted to me that he was using again. I didn't know what to say.
A couple of days ago, he checked into rehab. While I'm happy and excited that he's going to get help (and wants to get help), I'm also scared of how long that's going to last after he gets out. He's going to miss our baby shower this weekend, and by the time he gets out, my due date will almost be here. I'm saddened by how all of this went down.....I've never dealt with this before and I need help/advice/support. I want to be there for him and be as supportive as I can. How do I deal with this?
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Old 01-11-2012, 01:03 PM
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Rehab does not cure addiction. At best it can teach a highly motivated guest the tools of recovery. That the easy part. Using those tools, post rehab, is the hard part and it will be a life challenge for him.

It's not your job to be supportive of him. That's the job best left for professionals and his peer group. You are the one in need of support, especially at this point in time.
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Old 01-11-2012, 01:21 PM
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Welcome. I'm sorry you have so much heartache and stress while expecting your first child. It's very sad for you.

What support do you have in your life? Do you have family? A job? Steadfast friends? Gather whatever support you can right now because your abf is almost sure not to be there for you and the baby. I am so sorry. But it is highly unlikely.

Plan for him not to be available. And please go to Al-Anon to help with your boundaries concerning your future with him as the child's father. And please, please, put the baby's welfare first. Please.

Wishing you a healthy child, who deserves a stable, peaceful childhood.
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Old 01-11-2012, 02:17 PM
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Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
Rehab does not cure addiction. At best it can teach a highly motivated guest the tools of recovery. That the easy part. Using those tools, post rehab, is the hard part and it will be a life challenge for him.

It's not your job to be supportive of him. That's the job best left for professionals and his peer group. You are the one in need of support, especially at this point in time.
Thanks for the advice everyone. And outtolunch, I agree. I know rehab is not going to cure him of this problem. It seems to me that he is an emotional drug user that gets high when he feels overwhelmed. It's very hard to deal with, especially with my pregnancy hormones flying all over the place.

I can only hope that he learns coping skills and uses these tools to stay clean. As much as it would break my heart to leave him, I can't afford to stay in a relationship that's going nowhere when I have a baby to worry about. It's not easy. I guess I will have to see how things go when he gets out of treatment...
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Old 01-11-2012, 02:34 PM
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Originally Posted by ramenjellybean View Post
I guess I will have to see how things go when he gets out of treatment...
Please make sure you have a backup plan
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Old 01-11-2012, 04:37 PM
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I'm so sorry. You deal with this by organizing and handling things for you and the baby. He has constant care and attention, which is honestly what you deserved from him right now and sadly you aren't going to get. The important thing right now is to make sure you have someone to get you to the hospital and to be their for the birth. It sounds like he'll be out by then, but do not in anyway rely on him for this. He is unreliable right now and regardless of him that baby is going to arrive shortly and you and the baby need help. I went through this, I called my mother crying weeks before my due date and she came and stayed with me for 6 weeks...my parents were an amazing help and my AH missed all of it because he was in rehab. I hope you have someone to help you! You are pregnant and soon going to be a new mother, you need help. If you don't have family around, try to find some mother's groups and ask for help. Concentrate on getting what you need!
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Old 01-11-2012, 10:02 PM
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Originally Posted by verylost View Post
I'm so sorry. You deal with this by organizing and handling things for you and the baby. He has constant care and attention, which is honestly what you deserved from him right now and sadly you aren't going to get. The important thing right now is to make sure you have someone to get you to the hospital and to be their for the birth. It sounds like he'll be out by then, but do not in anyway rely on him for this. He is unreliable right now and regardless of him that baby is going to arrive shortly and you and the baby need help. I went through this, I called my mother crying weeks before my due date and she came and stayed with me for 6 weeks...my parents were an amazing help and my AH missed all of it because he was in rehab. I hope you have someone to help you! You are pregnant and soon going to be a new mother, you need help. If you don't have family around, try to find some mother's groups and ask for help. Concentrate on getting what you need!
Thanks verylost! Luckily, I have an amazing support group. My parents are being very helpful right now, and his family has been extremely supportive of me as well. It's been the only thing keeping me sane, knowing that they're there for me no matter what. I'm praying that he has his act together in time to meet his first child. :-/
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Old 01-11-2012, 10:47 PM
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Hi and welcome I am in a somewhat similar situation as you. My fiance just checked himself into rehab 8 days ago (his DOC painkillers and xanax) and I am due to have our second child the 4th of march and he will be getting out just barely before our little girl is due. It's such a hard situation to be in but please embrace what everyone has to offer on here and take advantage of all the resources that you can, family support, state aid, all of that. It will help more than you could imagine, things like W.I.C and SNAP (food stamps) are fantastic. I learned all of this from when I had my first child. I'm so sorry this is how things are turning out for you with your first child right around the corner and I do hope he does well in treatment but I'm glad you found your way here. It will help you tremdously to have the support here as well. Good luck to you and congratulations!
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