Advice needed for Cocaine Addicted Husband
 

I am a 38 year old mother of an amazing 18 month old... my husband is a cocaine addict and went from using once every 3 months to using once per week. He drinks and smokes pot but says he's not "addicted" to those things. I believe he substitutes. He lies, sneaks, and always finds a way to get access to cash to use for his drugs. He is moody and verbally abusive at times... blames me for "giving him a hard time" which is basically saying nicely "this has to stop" and refusing to give him cash. I don't do any drugs myself and very rarely drink alcohol (like 5 times per year). I don't swear or yell in front of my daughter... when I mention anything to him nicely, he gets mad and swears etc. On the 23rd of December he finally decided to get help. He went to an outpatient program for 5 days. He finally came clean about his addiction, told the truth, and thought he could beat it. He smoked pot while in the program and drank beer and a 18 days later he did cocaine again... he's also back to his old ways already.... calling me names etc. Any advice??? I've asked him to leave on several occasions but of course he refuses. It is an ENDLESS cycle and my goodness life is simply too short to spend with someone like this. Thank You.

Take care of yourself and your 18 month old baby. There are sticky notes on top of this page that can give you lots of insight. They have helped me.

Take care of yourself and your 18 month old baby. There are sticky notes on top of this page that can give you lots of insight. They have helped me.

So you leave.

It sucks but sometimes it's what you have to do. I'm pushing 30, I left and I'm living out of one bedroom with my 19 month old son at my parents house. Not where I wanted to be at almost 30 years old but that's okay.

I could not have my son in an environment where my husband was using (prescription pills are his drug). Where if he got too high and lost some pills, my son might find and ingest them. Where if DSS was called on us, *I* would lose my son because I allowed him in a house where drugs were present. Where *I* was not a the best mother I could be because I was constantly angry, snooping and fighting with him. Where *I* felt unloved and abandoned for drugs.

So yes, losing the house and possessions were worth leaving for me.

I saw your post in another thread about starting a business for your husband and that is why you can't leave. That is an excuse....I had 900 of them before I got so tired that I couldn't do it anymore and finally did leave.

Hello cad, welcome to SR.
These are two of our sticky threads for you to read. Have you considered going to Naranon or Al-Anon meetings? In addition to coming here to SR, it's a great way to find some face to face support for yourself.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cy-family.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

Addicts are not competent to parent. Eventually, most are not competent to do much of anything other than protect and sustain their addiction.

I am a huge fan of Plan B cause one never knows....What can you do to financially sustain yourself and your child without him? Can you protect anything you might have of value that could be stolen and hocked? If he won't leave, will you do so at some point?

If you've asked him to leave, then it seems you are willing to consider divorce or separation. So then if you don't want to do the leaving, why not get a court order to make him leave. File for divorce or separation, ask for custody and possession of the house and for child support. Even if he can't or won't pay it, it will accrue and will give you leverage in custody and other divorce matters. Parents are required to support their children, and if he's unemployed his support will be based on his unemployment check or imputed from minimum wage. It's also how the court gauges a parent's sense of responsibility toward their child.

This sums it up in a nutshell!

Thank you for sharing. Your post popped out at me.

Thank You! I'm in the process of getting my finances in order... house is in my name and is up for sale. He really twists things around and puts the blame on me... it is awful. I have spent the last couple of years doing everything possible and catering to him... it is only during the past 6 months or so that his addiction has progressed and I have started speaking up saying I don't want drugs in my life or my daughters life. He threatens me that "playing f hardball won't work and I'll be f sorry"... etc. etc. End of December when he was in rehab for that one week, we really got along great. I got my hopes up and he told me everything I wanted to hear. What a let down for things to revert back so quickly!

(((cad))) - I'm a recovering crack addict and he's just yelling because he is being forced to face consequences for his actions. When we're using, we want people to "be there" for us - give us money, a place to sleep and food to eat, but other than that? We don't want people messing with us getting our high.

I'm glad you're getting your finances in order and are working to have a safe place for you and your daughter. (((Innocnt))) is spot on correct about the risks to you and your daughter. I had a friend who went to prison for child neglect because her bf was an addict and she had her daughter around him.

Whether he chooses recovery, at some point, or not it's on him. I chose it, my XABF didn't and died in a crack house a couple years ago. He hadn't bothered seeing his younger boys in over a decade, only saw the oldest one because he had HIM selling crack.

I recommend getting anything of value out of his reach. I also wouldn't pay much attention to what he says, unless it's "I'm leaving" and I'd change the locks when he walked out. Actions speak way louder than words, and right now his actions show no concern for you or your daughter.

It's not easy, realizing the person you thought you'd spend your life with has become someone else, but there are so many people here who are, or have been, through similar situations and you're not alone.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

I don't have any advice on how to get him out, changing the locks seems like the easiest option since the house is in your name, but I would talk to a lawyer especially with how he's been acting because you want to keep you and your little one safe! I'm sure you've done this, but separate all your money and get a lock box and put everything you can into it. I'm sorry you are going through this, but I'm a single mom now and I can tell you it's a lot easier than being in a two parent household with an addict. Hugs! Just remember to ask others for help when you need it!

I would do whatever you can to get him out of your life as fast as you can. Get sole custody of that sweet baby.

Praying for you!

I cannot thank everyone enough for responding. I finally feel like I am not alone.

OK ... When my husband was in outpatient rehab for the week, he came clean and told me that he was basically getting money from his worker to get high. He would pay for his worker's food and cigarettes all week and then I (business is in my name) would write out the check, my husband would take the worker to cash his check (worker has no car or even a bank account) and then my husband would have the worker pay him back for the food/cigarettes.... he would get $100 or so and go get high... or he would lie on how many hours he worked etc. He ALWAYS finds a way. SO, while he was in rehab, we agreed on no cash and no cashing checks etc. I would send the employee the check in the mail..... TODAY he flipped out because I mentioned (nicely) about sending his worker's check in the mail. He was swearing yelling, calling me a f ****** etc. in front of our daughter. OBVIOUSLY he has plans to take the kid to cash his check and get some cash himself tomorrow. WHAT SHOULD I DO?? Should I give him the check?? Should I refuse and listen to him rant and rave???? He has two personalities and is so manipulative...

Cad----if it is your business you do what you have to do to protect it.

However, it doesn't matter WHAT you do in relation to his addiction, he is going to get high if he wants to get high. You won't stop him. He is verbally abusing you in front of your 18 month old daughter. He is abusive.

" No" is a complete sentence. " No because..." opens the door to manipulation and negotiation. You lose.

Your husband's tantrums have an impact on your child. He can't control himself and you can't control him. He could become violent.

How does any of this benefit your child? Your child is learning how to treat and be treated by others. If your adult child were in a similar relationship as you, what would you tell him/her?

For me, I left when the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving. At that point it didn't matter how scary it was I was going to leave.

Your friend,

It's your business, you told him what you were going to do, so do it.

You have to decide if you want to drive the car or sit in the back seat.

No child should be subjected to this toxic lifestyle. Children are affected all in a
negative way when exposed to abuse and addiction. They carry their childhood into
adulthood, your child has already inherited the gene that predisposes them to addiction.
To me, that quite enough to deal with...I know, I am one of those children, both of my parents were alcoholics, my mother is 86 and still slamming them down...my childhood was pure h@ll, I wish that on no innocent child.

Be the responsible one, protect your child.....at all costs.

My ex said the same thing to me - threats, etc that I will be sorry and the divorce will be a knock down drag out. Long story short, it was a way to push my buttons. He ended up not fighting anything and asked for our wedding ring for the settlement (he needed it to hock for cash and more drugs). I held the "ring" hostage until he signed the papers and I have the house, full custody of our 3 year old and he didn't get a dime of my savings (he had drained all of his). I wish you the best. This is a rough time but you will get through it.