How the **** did I get here??
 

Hi,

This is a long one but I have to get it off my chest.

I'm new to this, new to drugs, never known someone who did them, never wanted to be associated with it, never thought I would. I met this amazing guy 3 years ago. He made me really happy, he was my prince, yaddy yadda (I'm sure there's been tons of posts like this here already). We had 2.5 years of a long distance relationship. Once when I was visiting about 8 months into our relationship, he was going through a severe deep depression, I could not understand it, he seems paranoid, would not stop crying, totally not himself. I was so scared, I didn't know what to do and nothing I said seemed to help. I was very very worried and thought we should go to see a doctor but 2 days later he seemed back to himself again and I was so happy I didn't ask any further questions. Life was back to normal, he was the guy I "knew" and loved once again and that was that. Little did I know he had just had an episode of cocaine induced psychosis/paranoia and I will not know for another year and a half, after he had proposed and I was having the happiest days of my life, we were planning a big engagement party with our families and he suddenly had this depression again. I could not understand it, I remembered the prior incident, I thought we really need to go see a doctor. I thought he may have a sever psychological problem. I cared for him that weekend, cooking, stroking his hair, crying with him. I could not figure out what was wrong. That is when he confessed to me about the drugs. He could not stand me feeling sorry for me after he's been lying to me throughout our relationship, so he confessed. Needless to say I was devastated. Could not believe it. Took off my engagement ring, cried, considered ending the relationship. But he convinced me that the only reason he's telling me is because he wants to stop and I believed him. We spent a week talking about it, he said he will stop on his own, he threw out all his drug paraphinelia (for smoking pot) and said he will stop going to the places where he hangs out (because that's where he got the cocaine) I put back on my engagement ring, we went ahead with the big engagement party and life was good again.

Shortly after this I moved in we were planning to get married within 6 months and life continued as normal - or so I thought. He went out with his friends as usual, sometimes will come home drunk, but I had no problem with that, after all, I've been known to have a drink or 2 too many. Occasionally I would ask where he went (just to make sure that he didn't go to the places where he would get cocaine) and once or twice I asked him if any one was doing drugs when he went out, but other than that, I chose to trust him blindly and didn't ask anymore. I just assumed that if he loved me and wanted me around, he just won't do that anymore, especially since he seemed prone to some really bad side effects which I'd witnessed and was certain nobody ever wants to willingly experience something like that again.

So, a few weeks ago, he wakes up and is going through the same depression again. Naive stupid me, I really didn't think he was on drugs. How could he be? He said he will stop so he had to have (I obviously have no experience dealing with drug addicts). I asked him directly, and he said no. But I could not figure out why he was so down and seemed paranoid. He must have a mental disorder, we should see a therapist/psychiatrist. We both stayed home from work that day and as I took care of him and cared for him, he felt guilty once again and confessed that he's still using. I was beyond devastated. How did I end up here? How could I not have seen this? Who the **** is this person that I'm planning to be married to in the next 4 months?

The story gets better. I was so mad that day, I cried, I yelled, I threw things at him. He cried as well, he said he was sorry, he can't seem to fix himself but I could not feel sorry for him at that point. I was too upset. After we'd calmed down from fighting/crying he said he was going out for air and will be right back. I thought that was odd because my guy is the type who always wants to talk and get things out but I thought, this is some pretty heavy stuff we should cool off a bit and then talk more later. 2 hours after he was gone I started to worry, I thought, wow, that's a long walk he's on. I started calling, texting, and he would not respond. By midnight I was frantic. He had been gone for 6 hours and had not responded to any of my calls or texts did something happen to him? I thought maybe he was so upset he went out to a bar and got drunk, I thought up all types of possibilities. I was 2am he was not yet home I called the police. Very very long story short, I was in a new city with no friends or family, my fiancé had disappeared and the police were not being any help. I didn't go to work, I didn't eat, I didn't sleep. I was worried sick. I thought he might be dead. It had been 3 days.

On day 4 he shows up, terribly pale, looked like hell, hadn't eaten or drank anything since he left and I took him to emergency psychiatry where I find out he tried to kill himself, and he's tried twice before about 15 years ago (more that I didn't know about him). Well, atleast he wasn't out doing drugs those 3 days but am I insane? Who the **** is this guy? How did I get here?? What am I doing?

He's spent a couple of weeks in the psych ward, he's been put on anti-depressants, and he's starting treatment for his adictions this week. He's back home now, will be returning to his job in about a week. A really good job which he would have lost had I not notified them about the situation. The more I talk to him and I discover how/when/where he did his drugs. For example, all the times he went out with his friends and came home drunk, he was actually high. It makes me so mad/sick/confused. And we're planning to get married in a few months? Am I insane?

I don't know what to do. The only reason I moved in was because we were to be married soon, that's truthfully the only reason I don't want to postpone the wedding. I don't want to move out either because I know he wants help, he's getting the help now and he needs my support. But I don't want to enable him! Stay with him, plan a wedding, a future, continue cooking and cleaning after him, I feel like that's saying to him that all this he's put me through is okay and it's not. It really is NOT.

So how the **** did I get here and where the **** do I go from here???

Please help!!

At the very least, I'd postpone the wedding. You are getting a glimpse of what life with an addict is like. Why would you tie yourself legally to that? Once you are married, you are also responsible for many of the things he does or might do. I'd think long and hard about that. Also, I have lived with someone who attempted suicide multiple times. In my case, it was my daughter, who was under the age of 18, so I couldn't just leave her, but in your case, you aren't responsible for this man and anyone who has the problems he seems to have is not relationship material. Lots and lots of red flags here.

So far as supporting him, you can do that from afar. You don't have to be living with him "cooking for him and cleaning after him" in order to support his efforts at recovery. He does not need you there in order to recover. It sounds like he has more problems that any one person could handle and it's going to take a long time for him to get well, if, and that's a big if, he sticks with it. In the meantime, take care of yourself. Check out al-anon or nar-anon meetings where you can get some face-to-face support from others dealing with many of the same issues. You can have a happy and peaceful life regardless of what he does, and you deserve that.

No wedding. No wedding until he is sober for at the minimum one year. I would also suggest that you move out to protect your self financially and emotionally. You also need support of your own because living with an active addict can make us crazier than they are.

Also, please know that very few addicts can "do this on my own". I believe because they don't know HOW to live life without drugs. They haven't been living life drug free for so long that they just can't face up to what reality is.

Addiction is for life. It is not going to be gone when he stops using. It is always there and they can always relapse. My husband just relapsed at Thanksgiving after several years clean (xanax and opiate pain killers) and is working a program now but I don't know if he is still using because I left him.

I left him once before and I wish I had stayed gone. We've had some good times together and I do love him and always will but sometimes love just isn't enough.

Good luck.

I'm sorry for all the pain you are feeling, missbea.

You have known him three years but "from a distance" for two and a half of those years.

Everyone here knows there is so much about this man you do not know and would be stunned---beyond your disbelief right now---to learn.

If he moves back in and you are isolated with him in a city where you have "no friends and no family", you will be the one in the psych ward next. More emotional devastation is certain if you continue living with him and ongoing mental trauma. You are also at high risk for the std's he is potentially carrying. I would not assume he is not with other women. Not if coke is his drug.

Where can you move away to, from him? You need to return to a safe place and he needs to go into a long term treatment program.

Those of us who have lived with someone in active addiction know that you are in for more devastating pain if you continue to live with him. Please consider moving away, seeking help for yourself about setting boundaries, and keep away from the addict. Until he is longtime sober.

By the way, addicts are master manipulators, perfect liars, and they really turn on a lot of those crocodile tears. It keeps things from changing.

Stay strong. God bless.

"Glimpse" is the operative word, as in tip-of-the-iceberg.

Work with RE-AL-I-TY, not WHAT-YOU-HOPE-COULD-BE.

You are at a critical crossroads that will determine the quality of your life for the majority of your adult youth.

When you figure an addict stops maturing at the age they start using, this means they have a lot of work after getting clean to go back and learn life skills rather than using smoke screens of "Mr. Perfect" or "Mr. Wounded" or "Mr. Anything Else That Hooks a Partner" and coping skills of escape through using. This is nearly impossible to do for addicts when in relationships - they need first to develop themself and work on their own life skills before having anything to do with another person.

CLMI

Missbea,

Stop and catch your breath.....

Your story is a lot like mine; I came here for understanding because like you I was shocked' and confused .....boyfriends drug problem

I also knew nothing about drugs; and when he said he quit 10 mos ago I believed him; no worries. Done was done.

But then I walked in and found him on the floor dying from an OD - his drug: cocaine

I can't offer you advice; but I wanted you to know that your not alone.


Hugs

Lots of people get caught up in hopeful relationship fantasies and confuse who they want /need with the strangers who sit before them.They know just how great their guy could be , if only.....It becomes a project. Someone to fix. They delude themselves and call it support. The more they focus on trying to fix the other person, the less they focus on their own very real issues.

Your emotional stability is tied to a situation that you cannot control. You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this.

Please get yourself checked out for STDs. You have no idea what he's been doing or with whom.

I would get my own place or return home where I had friends/family.
I would seek professional help to learn how to recover from my own codependency. Proceeding to marry a stranger with a serious addiction is highly unlikely to have a good outcome.

Speaking as someone who is married to an addict, run.

Marry this man, if:

1. You want a life where you must be continually hypervigilant -- i.e, never let your guard down, EVER.

2. You don't want to have children, EVER. Children do not need either these genes or exposure to such a hypervigilant lifestyle.

3. You are aware that you are likely to bury this man at an early age. Statistically, you will be a young widow.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but the odds are against you having a happy life with this guy.

FT

please consider not getting married. this guy is hugely troubled. you don't even know him, really. and what outtolunch said about the three day binge is most likely true.

i'm really sorry for all of the crap that you've experienced with this. i hope you find a way to heal. i hope you find a way to be focused on yourself, and your own well being. he will get through with or without you and he's already proven that you being there is not going to stop him from using and doing whatever else. so just take care of yourself. your life could be much more than this.
love is wasted on someone who is too sick to care for themselves, who tells lies, who manipulates, etc. he has so much growing to do and there are no guarantee he'll do it. but pretty much everyone here can guarantee that you will experience pain in addition to what you've felt already.
just some things to think about.

yes, in my humble (but experienced) opinion he was on a crack binge.

it is plain as day to me...I've seen it several times and there isn't any mistaking it

the STD testing is a good idea

even my own ex had told me to RUN

we are usually to confused, hooked in, mistaken about the disease, have our own issues, etc etc etc to listen to the "RUN" advice. most of us have to do a lot of work to finally learn to WALK. the odds of getting to a place of a minimally functional relationship? google the odds. HIGHLY unlikely.

don't get married until you know more, how can you possibly marry someone you don't know? and maybe don't want to know! welcome to relationship with Jekyll and Hyde
if you stay in it and you both don't get some really serious recovery you will also become Mrs. Jekyll/Hyde

You are correct. If you stay with him and do for you, you are showing him that it's okay to put you through all that.

You are correct. It really is not okay to put you through that.

You have a choice:

1) you either stay and accept that him putting you through that is okay because ____ (fille in the blank with rationalization of your choice: he's sick, he can't help it, he will get better, he needs you, love can overcome anything, whatever...). Or,

2) You leave and show him it's not okay to put you through that. Or,

3) You stay and spend the rest of your life SHOWING him it's okay to put you through that but keep TELLING him it's not okay.

I don't think there are any other options.

Oh boy. You know what we're all going to say.

I'm married to an addict. It gets a lot worse before it gets better (if it gets better...I'm still waiting...:( ). You've survived 1 crack binge. There will be MANY more, and you know that sick feeling you get when he has disappeared? It never gets better. Even though you KNOW he's out getting high, you get that crazy desperate feeling every...single...time...and it lasts the entire duration of his absense. His disappearances will get more frequent.

Like lesliej said, "even my own ex had told me to RUN".

I was laying in bed with my husband trying to explain the depression I feel at having been betrayed, lied to, and used so many times by the man I love. I said, "How would you feel?" His response? "I wouldn't be here!"

I said, "What do you mean? You would have left me if I had put you through what you have put me through?"

"Yes," he said.

Even the addicts know they are treating us like crap. They seem to have more self-respect than we do; they wouldn't put up with an addict!

I keep reading things that say a person in active addiction is not capable of love because the person does not even love himself or herself.

Your fiance is in active addiction. So he does not love you? He is not capable of loving you? All he is capable of is fueling his addiction. So with that in mind, you are VOLUNTEERING to be miserable because you are in love with someone who does not love you and only uses you.

If I understand this correctly, THAT IS HORRIBLE!!!

If an addict is incapable of love and is only capable of using and manipulating people to fuel the addiction, then that means that he TRICKED you or MANIPULATED you into falling in love with him so he could use you!

If I am understanding my research correctly. Now, I am new to SR so I may be misunderstanding what I've read.

I am struggling with this today. Why am I allowing myself to be used and manipulated by someone who doesn't love me?

Something else lesliej said that you need to be aware of: Jekyll and Hyde.

One day he is the most wonderful man in the world, and the next he is the cruelest person on the planet! I thought the cruel one was the addict taking over, but today I believe that Mr. Wonderful is the addict manipulating me, and Mr. Cruel is the addict trying to get some distance from me so he can use.

part of the cycle of crack use is a horrible, overwhelming sense of despair, remorse and self loathing. it's a testament to it's insanely addictive qualities that something so deeply depressing could keep calling you back to use it more.

the other thing is that those who use it feel like they are the dirtiest evil creature on the planet...(thus a high rate of nasty sex behavior etc) and why crack houses are so hideous...etc etc etc

the addict, coming out of this self perception and self loathing scum behavior, cannot imaging why in the world you are with them...they can't see the good in themselves whatsoever, especially when they are close to having used, and ESPECIALLY after a good run/binge!!

in fact they start to disrespect/distrust and resent your motives/reasons for being with someone so lowly and disgusting.

then the upswing starts...and the need/want/desire for your love comes on full force...fear of losing it...ESPECIALLY if you represent money/shelter/food/survival needs!!!

its love/hate...its every split you can imagine, its splittedness and only they can sew themselves back together. you can't force anyone to see themselves differently, witness the anorexic who dies thinking they are fat. you especially cannot help someone see themselves differently when they are using a substance so steeped in self hate.

I feel I need to provide more info so that I can get the right advice before moving forward. I know he doesn't use crack, I know he did not use any drugs when he was away for those 3 days because he was tested when he came back. I'm not defending him or being delusional. I know this because he was tested at the facility where he was admitted and I have access to that information.

Also, regarding STDs, I cannot say for a fact that he's not been with other women, I'm not naive, but there's never been any evidence of that. I have access to his e-mail, cell phone, bank records, everything. So I think I will know if he's cheated on me. His vice is drugs. Not women. He's never been abusive towards me, I've never been afraid of him or anything, everything has always been great, etc, etc. That's not the issue

He is addicted to cocaine and has been a functioning addict since I met him (I just didn't know it). When I found out the first time, he tried to stay off (cold turkey - without help) for 2 months and felt extremely depressed. This is when he relapsed (about 3 months ago) and has been doing it every other weekend or so until the last episode. This time he is getting professional help, outpatient treatment and seeing a doctor about his depression and a therapist about his issues. Mind you, this is only a couple of weeks in the making. I don't know if I should give up and move on or if I should stay and watch his progress, because this means I will have to watch out for any signs of relapse and I could not trust him. It will be hard being in a relationship with someone I don't trust. Or have to drug test. Not sure I can live like that even if he never relapses.

Thank you all for your comments. Please keep them coming.

Well...this bit of information depressed me. I thought his despair after having used crack was because he felt so horrible about it. I did not realize it was a symptom of using crack!

This angers me! Had informed myself better I would have know this! I thought he was feeling so sad and depressed because he wanted to stop using! This renewed my faith in him! Now I find out it's part of the high!!!

I was TRICKED by MY OWN IGNORANCE.

Now I'm angry at myself.

missbea...do you want to be a crazy WMaxwell in a few years? Because this is what you have to look forward to.

Well...maybe not because you are seeking help way earlier than I did. If it wasn't for chocolate today I would probably fling myself out of a window. I am so tired of this emotional roller coaster.

So what are you going to do about it? Nothing changes if nothing changes.

BTW, Addictions get worse. much worse. Look at today and think this is going to be the best day of the rest of your life unless something changes.

(hint: It won't be him. )

Your friend,

Addiction is progressive, even in recovery.

When I relapsed on cocaine/alcohol after 4 years in recovery, I did NOT pick up where I left off at when I first got/clean sober. In no time at all I was just as bad as if I had been using/drinking those four years.

I am incredibly blessed that I made it back into recovery, and stayed in recovery for the past 21+ years. Most don't.

there's kind of a joke (funny/tragic because it's true) that while I am sitting in a recovery meeting "my addict/alcoholic" part of me is in the parking lot doing push ups.

He has been clean since September 11, 2011. By clean, I mean he has not used crack or drank alcohol.

What I am dealing with today is addictive behaviors. It starts with him picking fights with me daily. Then it escalates to threats of him moving out. Before I know it he's visiting old friends that he used to get high with (this is the stage I am in now). The next step is he actually moves out. While he is gone he will get high. Then he will be my forgiveness, blame all of our problems on his addiction, and move back home.

I used to get all bent out of shape about him leaving me. I dont now because I know he comes back. I expected at least ONE more relapse.

He's doing everything right as far as I know. He went to rehab for a month (his idea...we were seperated at the time) he has been going to NA Meetings regularly, he got a sponsor.

I don't know if he's working the steps yet or not; he tries to shut me out of his recovery process for some reason. Maybe you can shed some light on this?

M1k3, You have been clean for 20+ years, so it is possible...but I expect a few more relapses before he makes the changes necessary to be clean and sober for more than a few months. I guess I'll just keep taking it until I can't take it any more :-/