Bottom dropped out

Old 01-10-2012, 04:52 AM
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Bottom dropped out

Things became pretty dysfuctional this past weekend with my adult children living with me. I told them I had decided to sell the house. It has become so depressing to just walk into my house and I truly do not have the energy to throw 3 of them out.

So, yesterday, I see a realtor and begin to get the wheels in motion. My adult sons knew I was doing this and left on an old motorbike after some pretty heavy verbal volleying, on all our parts. I still try to control the situation so that I don't have to do feel the pain, fear, or abandonment of them leaving.

Then one of my sons come home, stating someone has broken his brother's leg in a fight while trying to break up a fight that was apparantly his to begin with. So, his brother's in the hospital, possibly needing surgery . He takes off on his bicycle , and tells me goodbye, he loves me and leaving town on his bicylce. I have no clue where the motorbike is and really don't care at this point.

The hospital then calls and I talk to my other son, who asks if I can pick him up from the hospital and that they may have to do surgery on his thigh. It dawned on me how upsurd his question is...how can I pick him up when he needs surgery for a broken femur? I tell him no, I cannot - too tired, drained, etc. I'm a nurse, so I know he's going to recieve medical attention whether I'm there or not. I've never heard of anyone being discharged from an ER with a broken femur.


So...I called my sister over last night and cried a river. I feel at peace this morning. I don't even want to go see about my son in the hospital.
I need to clean up their rooms for the realtor to come in and take pictures.

I don't know if I have shut down or accepted , but it brings me peace at this moment. I'm still scared, so I need to really focus on my recovery to not go back to where I've been.

I'd like to hear from parent(s) who would share their "morning after" stories of how they coped. I've been down this road many times and I revert back to same old, same old.

Huggs,
Hope
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Old 01-10-2012, 05:28 AM
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Oh, my, did my stepson leave his father's house in a spectacular flurry of boxes and slamming doors!

In our state, Mr. HG's son was considered legally a tenant, and so was given 30-days written notice to vacate--necessary if stepson became violent, refused to leave, and the police needed to be involved (he was smoking crack at the time).

Mr. HG even generously decided to provide him with 2 month's rent at a new place to get him started as long as 1) he stayed off drugs, 2) he kept his job and 3) he did not get in trouble with the law.

Well, during his last weekend in his father's house, he went on a spectacular crack bender, got arrested, overslept and lost his job.....so no helpful "start-up" money from Dad.

When Mr. HG still insisted that he was leaving that day, it was quite a scene. He couldn't believe that "after all that just happened to me" he was being made to leave. So, it was boxes being thrown around in a huff, loading up his pick-up truck, slamming doors, etc......but he left.

After a few more unpleasant encounters, and after selling that house, we have peace. "Jr." know he won't get any money from us and that he has to be responsible for himself. He and Mr. HG do now have occasional e-mail contact.

Most importantly, Mr. HG and I have peace......beautiful, serene, peace. You'll get there, too!! It is sooooo possible!!!!!!
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Old 01-10-2012, 07:38 AM
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Originally Posted by hope2be View Post

I still try to control the situation so that I don't have to do feel the pain, fear, or abandonment of them leaving.
This is one of the most honest things I have read on this forum.

When was the last time you saw four adult birds sitting in the same nest?

Since you are a nurse, I assume you have health care, including therapy. Might you use those benefits and seek help to learn how to cope with letting go?
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Old 01-10-2012, 09:37 AM
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Outtolunch:
Yes, I'm in therapy, but I really don't feel I am touching on the issues I would like to. I was seeing this therapist years ago, and I think he believes I am in control of myself and can handle all this. I feel I'm spinning out of control because of trying to control, if you know what I mean.

I am looking into therapy with someone who handles codependency or ACOA issues in my area. Gives me something to do today for me.

Thanks for sharing
Hope
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Old 01-10-2012, 09:38 AM
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Hydrogirl:

I know those "leaving home" scenes too well. I already feel some relieve that the money stops, even though it was just providing them shelter, food.

Thanks for sharing,
Hope
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Old 01-10-2012, 10:59 AM
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Well, I for one think you did excellently!!!

You put the house up for sale and you are down one adult child. Maybe he rode off on a bicycle, but he's gone to support himself. (altho the sceptical part of me wonders if this guy furiously peddling out of town might be a wee bit concerned about the legal fall out from his 'fight'?--oh well, not your problem).

Two to go. One is still in the hospital, and this might be the right time to have him move out. Talk to the hospital social worker and tell her that he can't come home, you are selling the house and he'll have to go to a rehab/nursing facility to convalesce. With any luck you might be able to get this one launched too. By the time he's back on his feet, the house may be sold (get an efficiency apartment for a bit--no extra room, not even a couch).

Now the good news is, I'm sure your life will get better and better now that you are taking these steps. Two week ago today, I threw a brand new 22 year old son out of the house with nothing, not even shoes. He's got an empty wallet and a sack of clothes and a job that pays $90 a week.

If you read my first two posts you will see I was tense, agitated and very anxious. I've cried just about every day since May. I was a hot, rambling, angry, devastated, hopeless, fuming mess.

But since my AS has left, I haven't cried once. NOT ONCE. My house is clean and peaceful and within the last couple days I've felt HAPPY!

I don't know where AS is, and I sigh over his future, and I'm not happy about the situation he put himself in, but I'm feeling better with my life. I wish for him, I hope for him, I wonder about him, but... This is better. It really is.
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Old 01-10-2012, 03:38 PM
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Hi, I had mine arrested for stealing from us. He went to jail and then directly to an inpatient rehab. I cried and drank way too much for about 2 months. This site has helped me so much. Now my son is going to have to choose how to live his life. The accountability that we as adults assume without a blink of an eye now falls on him to handle. It is very very hard to let go of control. Hang in there, this had to happen as there is always a breaking point when our children need to go.
Hugs,
Teresa
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Old 01-10-2012, 04:15 PM
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How are you tonight, hope2be? I hope you will get some rest this evening!

Hugs, HG
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Old 01-10-2012, 04:17 PM
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Originally Posted by hope2be View Post
Outtolunch:
Yes, I'm in therapy, but I really don't feel I am touching on the issues I would like to. I was seeing this therapist years ago, and I think he believes I am in control of myself and can handle all this. I feel I'm spinning out of control because of trying to control, if you know what I mean.

I am looking into therapy with someone who handles codependency or ACOA issues in my area. Gives me something to do today for me.

Thanks for sharing
Hope
I know exactly what you mean.
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Old 01-12-2012, 02:27 PM
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Well, made an appointment with another therapist. I'm having a really hard time focusing on myself.

I have my adult sons back in my house. I allowed this and own up to it. I didn't even want to share this part, because I've beaten myself up with this already. I get so emotionally drained that I can't even think of what's best for me.

I truly am beginning to understand how an addict feels....the pull of addiction, mine is to control the outcomes. It scares me to think how strong and deep rooted it is. I want that sweet relief quickly when I start feeling any kind of emotional pain.

I am still going forward with selling my home. I hang onto that hope, but realize that I can do whatever and it won't change a thing inside of me. I still need to work on these issues that keeps me chained to codependency. I just feel that if I can get away from all of this, I can get off this merry go round and think straight.

I keep hearing stories so similar to mine around me and on this site, so I know I'm not alone, although it feels like it. I also hold onto hope when I read of success stories of detachment.

Thanks for listening,
hope
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Old 01-12-2012, 02:38 PM
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I think what we do on the outside influences our life, so I hope you are able to sell the home and settle in to a new place and find the 16 year old girl in you who loved to make her room just her own, with all those things she loved. A fresh start always helps the spirits.

Wishing you very good luck and a true fresh start! No matter what anyone else around you is doing, you can make yourself a peaceful home, inside and out.
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Old 01-12-2012, 05:38 PM
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Hope2be, I feel your pain. I just found out one of my sons has been stealing from me. It breaks my heart. I too have decided to sell my house and find a place that is just for me in another location. Right now I feel like there has been another death in the family. It hurts so much. The broken dreams.

Good luck to you and know that there are a lot of us in your corner. It helps me to know that, and I hope you can find comfort too.
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Old 01-13-2012, 12:35 PM
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I'm on the same merry go round. But I moved out of my house (after much frustration, too much drama to even try and post). I tried kicking him (addict son) out, tried the 30 day eviction, and he would always come back, and for the life of me I could not shut the door in his face. And he knew that. But it got to the point where I couldn't stand it anymore. My once-beautiful home was a disaster area with his mess. I could never get it clean enough to even list with a realtor. So I jumped ship. Abandoned it all. I guess my house will be foreclosed on eventually. I actually thought that when the electricity was finally shut off for non-payment, he and his addict girlfriend would leave then. They didn't. Then the water was shut off for non-payment. They still are in there. My biggest regret right now is not the loss of my house that I'd worked and payed on for nearly 2 decades, but that my son knows where I live now, and he's shown up ringing the doorbell, knocking on the door, harassing me for money. It would be a good thing -imo- if he were to go to jail right now. But he needs to go for a long time, the 30 days here and there that he's served over the past 10 years haven't made an impact.
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Old 01-13-2012, 02:14 PM
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[QUOTE=EnglishGarden;3240159]find the 16 year old girl in you who loved to make her room just her own, with all those things she loved. A fresh start always helps the spirits.
QUOTE]

English: I like that! When I think of my "own" place, I feel at peace and excited, knowing I can have my little corner of the world somewhere. Thanks for the support
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Old 01-13-2012, 02:21 PM
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Originally Posted by KuanYin View Post
I'm on the same merry go round. But I moved out of my house (after much frustration, too much drama to even try and post). I tried kicking him (addict son) out, tried the 30 day eviction, and he would always come back, and for the life of me I could not shut the door in his face. And he knew that. But it got to the point where I couldn't stand it anymore. My once-beautiful home was a disaster area with his mess. I could never get it clean enough to even list with a realtor. So I jumped ship. Abandoned it all. I guess my house will be foreclosed on eventually. I actually thought that when the electricity was finally shut off for non-payment, he and his addict girlfriend would leave then. They didn't. Then the water was shut off for non-payment. They still are in there. My biggest regret right now is not the loss of my house that I'd worked and payed on for nearly 2 decades, but that my son knows where I live now, and he's shown up ringing the doorbell, knocking on the door, harassing me for money. It would be a good thing -imo- if he were to go to jail right now. But he needs to go for a long time, the 30 days here and there that he's served over the past 10 years haven't made an impact.
K:
I know exactly what you mean. It's so hard, when you are emotionally drained from all the drama to get the strength to take care of yourself and stop the madness.
What you did took a lot of courage, up and leave it all behind. I think of doing that too sometimes. A relative had the same problem years ago and she put it up for sale, as is. She stated she didn't get what it was worth, but it gave her peace of mind and that was worth more than any amount of money could buy.
When you stated "too much drama to even post", I hear you. That's why I'm going to a therapist...it's too much for me to even write down and look at on paper.
My prayers are with you,
Huggs,
Hope
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Old 01-13-2012, 06:35 PM
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I can also relate , Ive kicked my son out plenty of times only to have him come knocking on my window in the middle of the night and so i let him back in,again and again. Hes home now and Im constantly wondering, accusing, guessing.....in my mind he hasnt done enough damage for me to totally shut the door on him, im just being honest here hes fairly young has time to change but down the road if that change does not come i just see myself one day not coming back home. I think we all need to do what we need to do why must we pay for the price of how someone else choses to live there life??, how long should we be the mat where they wipe their feet all over us ,after all the "welcome " sign is clearly written on that damn mat!!!!, fiding the courage to free ourselves of their lifestyle it seems takes lots of time but im hoping there is an end to the madness ...
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