My husband says his addiction is none of my business!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 35
Impurrfect pretty much has it down.
The fantasy that I have is that my husband has an aha moment, gets clean and stays clean forever and ever, amen. That we have a happy life with our 19 month old and have one more child and I never, EVER have to worry about him relapsing again and he will always be honest and open with me and I will have that marriage that I see other people have. We will have nice things and extra money and he will be stable and secure.
That is a fantasy.
The reality is he was/is actively using. He spent our bill money on pills. He did not choose to call his sponsor when he had the urge to use. He just used anyway without regard to how it would affect me, his wife, and his 19 month old son. The reality is that even if he does get back on the wagon and start his 12 steps over and get through them that he might relapse 2 months from now or 4 months or a year or 10 years from now. That is the reality of it all. It can happen anytime, any place and it only takes a second to make a poor decision.
You have to be willing to accept that. His addiction is not going to go away and it is always going to be a battle for him. I cannot and will not fight the battle for him. Nothing you can do is EVER going to make him use/not use. It is always going to be him fighting the battle alone or with the help of people who have been where he is and can guide him to a better place.
I know what you are going through is so hard. I'm there too....except I left my husband.
I cannot sit by and watch the trainwreck happen, then pick through the wreckage to try to salvage what wasn't destroyed because that is what addiction is. A trainwreck. You can either watch it happen and actively participate in it or you can let it happen and let the addict pick themselves up, salvage the wreckage and figure out how to get off the train.
The fantasy that I have is that my husband has an aha moment, gets clean and stays clean forever and ever, amen. That we have a happy life with our 19 month old and have one more child and I never, EVER have to worry about him relapsing again and he will always be honest and open with me and I will have that marriage that I see other people have. We will have nice things and extra money and he will be stable and secure.
That is a fantasy.
The reality is he was/is actively using. He spent our bill money on pills. He did not choose to call his sponsor when he had the urge to use. He just used anyway without regard to how it would affect me, his wife, and his 19 month old son. The reality is that even if he does get back on the wagon and start his 12 steps over and get through them that he might relapse 2 months from now or 4 months or a year or 10 years from now. That is the reality of it all. It can happen anytime, any place and it only takes a second to make a poor decision.
You have to be willing to accept that. His addiction is not going to go away and it is always going to be a battle for him. I cannot and will not fight the battle for him. Nothing you can do is EVER going to make him use/not use. It is always going to be him fighting the battle alone or with the help of people who have been where he is and can guide him to a better place.
I know what you are going through is so hard. I'm there too....except I left my husband.
I cannot sit by and watch the trainwreck happen, then pick through the wreckage to try to salvage what wasn't destroyed because that is what addiction is. A trainwreck. You can either watch it happen and actively participate in it or you can let it happen and let the addict pick themselves up, salvage the wreckage and figure out how to get off the train.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by WMaxwell 
Not that there's anything I can do about it. I just get to suffer the consequences if I stay married to him.
You have chosen to suffer because you chose to put yourself through 20 years of hell. What's the next 20 going to look like?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 35
Originally Posted by scaredsillie
^ I think that's a bit out of line. We are all victims of one thing or another. Whether it be addiction,the addict,or some sort of crime out on the streets.
Saying someone is "playing the victim" is pretty rude IMO.
We are all here seeking some sort of support, not to be nit picked at.
Saying someone is "playing the victim" is pretty rude IMO.
We are all here seeking some sort of support, not to be nit picked at.
You might be a true victim if you were unaware of the situation and it just got dropped in your lap but if you keep allowing it to happen to you (whcih you do if you choose to remain with an addict, it is a choice) then at that point you are volunteering to be a victim (something I heard in al-anon last night).
To me volunteering to be a victim is placing yourself in situations where you KNOW that a bad outcome is likely or even inevitable.
We make the choice to remain in situations that are not good for us. If you remain in those situations you are more likely to become a "victim" than not.
Soon-to-be-Ex-Wife of Addict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Clarksburg, West Virginia
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by sofacat
WMaxwell-
Glad you're with us. I have a question for you:
Has making his addiction/recovery your business ever change anything?
Glad you're with us. I have a question for you:
Has making his addiction/recovery your business ever change anything?
I'm trying to stop making it my problem. I have a lot to learn.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
WMaxwell, One of the big things I learned here and at al-anon is the 3 c's.
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
I have no control over their addiction or recovery. That is all on them. Nothing you do will make any difference, nothing that you don't do will make any difference.
The only thing you can do that will make a difference is work on your own recovery.
BTW, Al-anon is not about helping you keep track of him or helping with his recovery or anything to do with him at all.
It is about helping you get better. I left my AW of 36 years about 9 months ago. Trust me I know all about anger and rage. I had to calm down to be just angry. This is what Al-Anon helped me with. I can't say I am never angry but it is so seldom that it surprises me when it does happen. I am finally sane and centered and even happy again. That is due in a large part to SR and Al-Anon and the hard work I put into my recovery.
So there is hope for a better future for you. You can get better and lose the anger. You can find serenity.
Your friend,
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
I have no control over their addiction or recovery. That is all on them. Nothing you do will make any difference, nothing that you don't do will make any difference.
The only thing you can do that will make a difference is work on your own recovery.
BTW, Al-anon is not about helping you keep track of him or helping with his recovery or anything to do with him at all.
It is about helping you get better. I left my AW of 36 years about 9 months ago. Trust me I know all about anger and rage. I had to calm down to be just angry. This is what Al-Anon helped me with. I can't say I am never angry but it is so seldom that it surprises me when it does happen. I am finally sane and centered and even happy again. That is due in a large part to SR and Al-Anon and the hard work I put into my recovery.
So there is hope for a better future for you. You can get better and lose the anger. You can find serenity.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 190
I read your post and it felt so familiar. I could see myself throughout it.
One of the hardest things I've had to admit to myself is that I DID HAVE CHOICES! I made the choice to put up with it all! His lies, spending money, his behavior, and to stay in the relationship. I have resentment and anger over all of it! (Still working on that!) I want to blame him for it all, after all, he is the cause of all that has happened. It's because of him that MY LIFE is screwed up, right? Admitting to myself that I played a part in the way things have played out has been a difficult pill to swallow.
The hindsight, if I could go back and do over, I would CHOOSE to get out! I still have not made that choice, but want to in the future.
Two things I've learned in Al-anon that I keep in my mind is "Nothing changes, if nothing changes", and "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results". This helps me realize that I have to make the choice to change my life.
While I continue to make poor choices, by attending Al-anon, I realize it much sooner than I used too. I have also learned that no choice or decision has to be permanent. I can always change it! This helps me feel that I am not stuck forever in my current situation because I ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE!
I remember feeling that he has done all of this to me, but the sad truth is I did it to myself, because I made the "choice" to stay.
There is a book (Al-anon literature) "Discovering Choices". It has really helped me learn that I do have choices. Recommend it!
I used to think his recovery was my business just like you. I wanted to make sure he attended meetings, I even went with him to open meetings at first. I pressured him to get a sponsor too. But in the end, I have no control over him or what he does. I had to learn that the only person I could control was me. I have to work on my own recovery, that is really what is going to make a difference in my life, not what he does!
I don't like to give advice, because clearly I've made way too many mistakes, and continue to make mistakes. The best thing you can do is work on yourself and take care of yourself, because in the end, you are the only one that can change your life.
One of the hardest things I've had to admit to myself is that I DID HAVE CHOICES! I made the choice to put up with it all! His lies, spending money, his behavior, and to stay in the relationship. I have resentment and anger over all of it! (Still working on that!) I want to blame him for it all, after all, he is the cause of all that has happened. It's because of him that MY LIFE is screwed up, right? Admitting to myself that I played a part in the way things have played out has been a difficult pill to swallow.
The hindsight, if I could go back and do over, I would CHOOSE to get out! I still have not made that choice, but want to in the future.
Two things I've learned in Al-anon that I keep in my mind is "Nothing changes, if nothing changes", and "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results". This helps me realize that I have to make the choice to change my life.
While I continue to make poor choices, by attending Al-anon, I realize it much sooner than I used too. I have also learned that no choice or decision has to be permanent. I can always change it! This helps me feel that I am not stuck forever in my current situation because I ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE!
I remember feeling that he has done all of this to me, but the sad truth is I did it to myself, because I made the "choice" to stay.
There is a book (Al-anon literature) "Discovering Choices". It has really helped me learn that I do have choices. Recommend it!
I used to think his recovery was my business just like you. I wanted to make sure he attended meetings, I even went with him to open meetings at first. I pressured him to get a sponsor too. But in the end, I have no control over him or what he does. I had to learn that the only person I could control was me. I have to work on my own recovery, that is really what is going to make a difference in my life, not what he does!
I don't like to give advice, because clearly I've made way too many mistakes, and continue to make mistakes. The best thing you can do is work on yourself and take care of yourself, because in the end, you are the only one that can change your life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 190
Quote:
Originally Posted by sofacat View Post
WMaxwell-
Glad you're with us. I have a question for you:
Has making his addiction/recovery your business ever change anything?
YES it has changed something...IT HAS TURNED ME INTO A CRAZY PERSON!
Just want to say, I've been that crazy person! Obviously the effect of his addiction! Sanity and Serenity can be found at Al-anon!!
Originally Posted by sofacat View Post
WMaxwell-
Glad you're with us. I have a question for you:
Has making his addiction/recovery your business ever change anything?
YES it has changed something...IT HAS TURNED ME INTO A CRAZY PERSON!
Just want to say, I've been that crazy person! Obviously the effect of his addiction! Sanity and Serenity can be found at Al-anon!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
His addiction isn't your business per say but his behavior that affects you is. If he wants to blame it on addiction that's on him. If he is lying, cheating and stealing from you that behavior is definately your business.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 24
Hello... I am going through the same exact thing. Selfish cocaine / crack addicted husband spending our money while I'm trying to hold everything together... also we have a beautiful 18-month old daughter AND I started a business for my husband because he was losing his CDL license due to a DUI. So it isn't that easy to throw him out. He just went into recovery and 18 days later did cocaine again... I can't say anything because that is "giving him a hard time" which makes him want to go out again!
So it's my fault he says... I am supposed to just sit back and accept it. It is very difficult and mentally draining. I know how you feel...
So it's my fault he says... I am supposed to just sit back and accept it. It is very difficult and mentally draining. I know how you feel...
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